A magical tent

We went back to the Spiegletent on Saturday. The last night had an air of 'the-place-to-be' to it. With plans to meet at 11pm, it was wonderful to see 10 of us there. We were all the in mood to try something different, be different. Even our clothes. We each had a touch of eccentricity to us. Glittery tops, wild earrings, tailoured pants for men with proper leather shoes...no trainers. What had that old German wooden tent done to us ?..brought a bit of swagger & swish to our evening.

The band, Juke Baritone & the Swamp Dogs, played long forgotten tunes. The amplification was non-existent. This was loud crashing instrument music. We danced in ways we had never done. Bending knees like a country fair or beer hall. Swaying to cabaret sounds. It was not an evening we had ever experienced and yet we all fell into its rhythms.

Couples were dancing and kissing like the war was over. Men grabbed us to dance 50's style. We felt like women, all hips and hair tossing. Men did the asking and guiding of moves. Neither sex dominated either.

Where was our modern 21st century too cool Sydney attitude? The tent had transported us to another era of entertainment that we created, not just scantily paid attention to while waiting for a more important text message or person to arrive.

Resting between dances, we leaned against the timber and mirror columns. How is this structure so impermanent? Floors of parquetry, booths of wood, mirrors & stained glass windows. The only clue being the vaulted dark material ceiling. The tent is a little like ourselves. Sometimes we feel so sure of our lives. How we spend our time. What we do and don't want. And then it passes & we feel different. Just a phase, or a re-occuring theme? In this case an experience that fun can be had in other ways, so easily, yet we rarely experience it. We can dress differently, move to different music without having ever heard it before. There were no reviews, we just went along, knowing the tent would work it magic, and it did.

Domino Theory

some call it the tipping point, I call it Domino Theory.

There is some trigger to behaivour. Last year we all bought houses (or rather, all got mortgages!) Being such a champagne theorist, as I am. I've proposed that 2007 is the year of the relationship (and 'the torso', but they go hand in hand ! ) now this is because Suzy is in a relationship. She is one of the core. And this relationship is a good one. It's an integrated one. She is happy, we like him, & they are doing stuff together & seperately & it's ticking along nicely.

Suzy is the lead domino. We are all about to fall into relationships.

Australia Day

sometimes it not about the destination, but the journey. So very 'The Alchemist'

2007 is the year we get a relationship. I'm convinced of that. By me, I mean all my friends. The tipping point has begun. But what we do until this happens is what we did on Australia Day.

January 26th, was the day Captain Cook landed in Botany Bay & declared this country for England & later for it's over burdened convicts. This is not a history lesson it's a NOW lesson. Australia Day never meant much, doesnt' have the patriotism of Anzac Day nor the wintery long weekend for the Queen's Birthday. It occurs during school or uni holidays & feels like a extra day of Summer. Over the last few years our sense of patriotism has increased. Theories abound, from our sucess at sport (particulary the Sydney Olympics 2000 ) to the enthusiasm of Generation Y as why this day is now popular. Someone finally joined our patriotic dots and found our mutual love of water, bbqs and relaxing could be all enjoyed on the one day all together. Hence Australia Day is a national holiday for having a BBQ with friends, preferably by the water & uttering words like 'why would you be anywhere else?"

Holly has an apartment right on Sydney Harbour. complete with grassy bits & a BBQ. If you could Google Earth her address you'd see it next to the Prime Minister's house & Harbour Bridge. Nice.

Dragging jugs of Pims, plates of chicken sandwiches I joined her & 20 friends on the lawn. Nicole & Liz's kids were jumping off the walls into the harbour. The emerald green harbour. Before I could peel back the glad wrap on the sandwiches I had my togs on & dived in. Delicious. Floating in the Harbour, looking at the scene, I just had to shake my head. Why would I live anywhere else?

We are over being sophisticated adults. We hold & chair the meetings, deal with senior staffers & have titles like 'director' and 'owner/ manager' . We know which bar to drink in, which resturant to go to, and can tell the difference between Verve & Moet - a huge leap from Pepsi vs Coke ! So it's the simple appreciative side which enjoyed Australia Day. The part of you that couldn't care about wet hair, junk food & warm wine glasses. I can have sophisticated any day I want ! but that day. that warm, glorious day filled with sunbaking, wet towels, cold showers after harbour swims & melted tims tams, was the best.

One in, all in. Swimming in the ocean & getting a boyfriend, that is.

party time

Tanya is minding a house on Sydney Harbour complete with pool, trampoline & tennis court. She celebrated her birthday with a party at this (her cousin's ) house on Saturday. For us living in small terraces & apartments, this compound of activities on a hot summer afternoon was a great tonic for de-stressing and letting go.

It's not often you are splashing around in a backyard pool, complete with pool toys, with all your friends, no precious thoughts about getting our hair wet, we dived in, pretended to do sychronised swimming & squealed while eating watermelons in the pool. Simple but fun.

I've spent 15 years living in the inner-city. Living in Paddington terraces, Darlinghurst flats, Surry Hills share spaces. Now I'm in a modern white apartment block complete with funky lap pool in semi-industrial Waterloo. My childhood was spent in the bushy suburban North Shore where our house edged a national park, the pool was built into a 20 metre cliff. We roamed the streets, walking on hot bitumen, jumping between back yards pool or riding bikes through bush tracks. As teenagers & Uni students these large homes with pools & backyards became party zones. Speakers & turntables were dragged outside, deep & meaningful conversations took place under trees. This was our night club. The suburban oasis of Sydney.

It was a kind of epiphany on Saturday. Standing around a backyard with groups of people nested in different areas of this house all relaxing. It wasn't pretentious either. Wet swimming costumes dripped onto tiled floors, shoes off, sunglasses on, lying back on outdoor furniture under shady verandahs.

Two things happened with MrBalconyView. He who lives in a similar modern apartment as mine also grew up in the suburb next to mine. Shortly after he arrived at the party I was the first person he spoke to. Noting the backyard, he said 'I'd like to buy a house in Killara' (a suburb near our childhood areas) Suprised I asked why. 'For the future' he said. Thoughts of gardens, places for my herbs, greenery & quiet slid into my thoughts. I want that too. I dont' want to live in the inner-city. Bored of being cool. Bored of garbage trucks at 5am!

But don't be scared. I dont' like MrBV like that anymore, but I do realise he's like a male version of me. He reminds me of my family, my childhood, and with the comment about buying back into the North Shore, that I can accept & would enjoy moving away from the inner city.

The lunch party turned into an evening party. The sensible drinking turned into how-much-can-we-put-in-one-drink cocktails complete with lurid colours & mixed fruit garnishes. Then the karaoke machine was turned on. Tanya loves 80s music as much as me & insisted we sing to Spandau Ballet's 'Gold' (always believe in your soul/ you've got the power to know/you're indestrutible/) I'm not much of a singer so I perform & quelle suprise there were microphones with long leads & a couch to slide around on.

Purposely not speaking to MrBalconyView all afternoon - as a demonstration that I'm moving on - he appeared while Tanya & I performed our karaoke moment of the party. Singing to Soft Cell's Tainted Love (don't touch me please/ I cannot stand the way you tease/ I love you though you hurt me so/) I slid under Tanya's legs, carried on like a drag queen, screamed into the mic like Sid Vicious & gave the performance of my life. I sang it all out. Cathartic Karaoke.

I'm a little closer to knowing what I want & more so - to find the person I want to have another life with. Being single is fine. But it's time to move on. I want to have a different life, one with a partner, but mostly being ready for it means being happy to make those changes. I've done everything positive that a single person can do. Been to movies & parties by myself, lived alone, lived in share accomodation. I'm perfectly content with my own company but we are pack animals, we like communities and groups.. this is the next challenge - to bond sucessfully.

O-V-A-H

when you are really getting over someone, there is often a moment when either you hear something, see them & not feel a great reaction or simply the love goggles have fallen off & they are revealed a normal human. This moment is the OVAH moment, it's over, or spelt out, O.V.A.H.

I'm going to see MrBalconyView on Saturday. He's going to Tanja's party & I couldn't give a stuff. why's that? because I have exhausted my interest. My hamster love for him, that spins around going nowhere, has just realized the wheel will only stop if I stop running. And I've stopped. Firstly I want something real. A playmate, a boyfriend, a partner. Not a series of difficult situations where I have to figure it all out, jigsaw the meaning of our time together, understand what he means, wait for phone calls etc.

but what really did it was a piece of information. The bit that figures him all out & you kind of knew it anyway. Someone knew someone who works in the HR dept at MrBalconyView's company. Apparantely he has a reputation for flirting with all the new girls, the 10 - 15 years younger than him staff, who all think he's boring & old. (he's 38). go the smarter younger girls who see that! No wonder he likes his job... the constant parade ground of younger women.

When I was 25, there where a few older guys around. I remember lunch one day, the 40yr old picked me up from work in his Porsche, took me to lunch with his friends where the conversation was all sleaze. Telling me how virile they were....their houses, cars, holidays etc. Bored me to tears. Not impressed by possesions. Your attitude and ability to embrace life is more my style.

so that killed it for me, once and for all. The knowledge he is looking in one direction and I'm looking the other.

looking forward to meeting The Viking...oh, not meant to think about that!

Found Him!

It's Sydney Festival time & the hottest ticket is 'la Clique' at Spiegeltent it's a gorgeous 1920's German wood & mirrored tent featuring a cabaret/ circus/ burlesque show. 350 people were cramed into the place to see the likes of Captain Frodo who bends like a rubber man through two tennis rackets & Bath Boy who trapezes from bath to ceiling in wet jeans. My face was sore from laughing all night.

A friend of a friend had organised it & I got the last of his 10 tickets. We meet early to enjoy the outside gardens around the tent. Introduced to David & Margaret, who were asking each other 'where's Brad?' my ears pricked up, Brad! my psychic's suggested lover-to-be's name? Maybe this is it? ! Brad is on his way...I am to meet him & know this is it, the meeting of my life is about to occur. Being forwarned of my potential lover's arrival was not the pleasure I presumed. Would he know I was his one? was he looking for Cat, ie. me?

Brad arrived. I was confused, what do you say? 'hi, I've been waiting a long time for you? ! " He was introduced, he looks nice, I thought. He stared at me, questioningly, 'Do I know you?' he said. I looked to him, noting his face & could see no recognition, 'No, but we'll have to do a background check, maybe we live in the same area". 'What's your surname? " he asked. I told him. I could now feel a strong blush rising. 'Oh, I know your sister, went to Uni with her & I've been to your shop" I now recognised him.... the interior designer's gay colleague.

Now to meet a straight, available Brad, actually any name will do. Such a Sydney moment.

Brad, where are you?

(background music: Chaka Khan " This is my night")

The change of year brings about so much & the best way to deal with this...is to see a psychic! At the Terrigal beach house we had Rayleen come and read for us. I have the whole thing on tape, promoting the search for my old sony walkman...anyhoo...where are the boys is my only question. She said 'who's Brad?' I know no Brad at all, save Mr Pitt. So now the search is on.. am concerned I am super influenced by that name & will stupidly focus only on that!

A few years ago I saw Elizabeth, who threw the names 'Tom' & 'Peter' at me. Another complete blank. If only she'd used 'Chris' or 'David' I would have gone back to see her.

NYE

A few months ago Liz & I decided to escape Sydney. We've seen the fireworks time & again but it's also the constant singleness, and NYE is another whack in the face.

I wanted to sit on a beach, with a bottle of Verve, friends & a gentle breeze. While the seaside town did it's best to get reeved up & celebrate NYE.

Terrigal was the place. 1.5 hours north of Sydney & we found a townhouse for the week. The relief of this organisation has been more satisfying than I could imagine. To know what you are doing on NYE for 6 weeks in advance is a new & enjoyable emotion.

I'm sitting here now on January 1st. We had the loveliest and funniest NYE. After spending the day at the beach, we slept, read trash mags & organised a ritual.

We each wrote issues both positive and negative from 06 & what we want from 07. We took candles, matches, bottle of wine & the four of us chicks all had hibicus flowers in our hair.
I sent out my NYE text message to everyone 'Good bye to difficult 2006, Hello to all the possibilites of 2007. As the late James Brown said 'I feel good''. Of the 20 people I sent it to mrBalconyView was the first to respond 'hope you are having fun in terrigal'(21:50pm) I wasn't going to respond but the next one shocked me. It was a picture message of the plant I gave him for his housewarming in May. 'look at your bamboo'(22:52pm) it said. Liz said 'if he behaves then maybe it will work out". I was determined to respond, but not just yet.

As we headed to the beach for midnight other groups emerged from the beach houses to do the same. The glo-stick family wandered by, the beer boys made suggestions & we ambled by with our woven tray of offerings for the new year.

Toasting ourselves from the sheltered rocky outcrop with the sounds of the Terrigal hotel noises in the background, Liz went down to the shore to burn her notes. She was soon approached by a young bloke. Tim who works for an investment bank He and his friends had hired a $10,000 apt on the beach & had some illegal fireworks they had set off on the beach. He kept telling us we were 'down chicks' which I think means we are cool.

We were encouraged to come back to his apartment. The other girls were all taking Tim aside & asking who we were & that we couldn't stay the night....so much drama. We left to wander home & enjoy the fact that we didn't need a taxi.

Once home I texted mrBalconyView. 'Terrigal has been the right choice. Hope you also make the right ones this year. I had no idea the lucky plant was doing so well. Ditto 4 yours at mine (he gave me a plant for my housewarming). See you some time soon." (1:52am)

no response, but that what I was trying to burn. My need to hang on to the idea of him

torso year

After Aunt Helen's advice to dream about sex more, I had a vivid dream of a male torso, a nicely muscled sporty one. Telling the girls the first morning at the beachhouse, how while waiting for the fish and chips last night, I was watching the kayaker's pull their kayaks out of the water. Mesmerised by their lovely male torso's it put me in the mood for more beach action in our holiday week.

We discussed manifesting in the morning. Wanting something, asking the universe to make it happen...actively asking for things. At the moment the parking fairy is being good to me. So Wanted to test this theory a bit more.

I would like to see more torso's. More men on the beach pulling out surf ski's. Torso Candy is what I asked for. Hours later after a morning on the beach I was still shocked at the outcome of that request. I was lying on the beach after a good long swim & was looking around. Out to sea was a gathering of kayakers. They started paddling into shore, thinking they were headed for the surf club, further up, they paddled straight towards us. smack onto the beach in front of us. A Dozen men in speedos, getting of the water, hauling their kayaks. From behind our sunglasses, Liz & I were stunned. It was not just proof of the power of manifesting, but that it happened in such a dramatic & humourous way.

so I'm calling 2007, the year of the torso.

back from hols

i've got a lot to catch-up on...so bear with me as I summarise the last month!

Advice from Aunt Helen

Xmas was a day of brunch, lunch & dinner consisting of ham, seafood & pinot noir, three times over. Luckily I have the consitution!

Late into the night I sat down next to Helen, a sort of aunt, whose about my mum's age. She's been a single mother most of her life, and retired recently from law. Smart, funny & still has a cigarette after dinner. She asked me 'what's going on ?" I knew she meant my love life. "nothing, they are out there...but I'm just not connecting" I thought of MrBalconyView, Mr TASF and all the other dates of the year. "do you dream much about sex? " she asked. As an avid dreamer, I confessed to halting those dreams. too painful. 'You've got to dream more about sex". We ran out to the balcony, both grabbed cigarettes as she told me more..

"Stop talking!" she said" "just look at them, long, straight & just... "let the heat rise?, I said "exactly! then wait for it to reach your loins & bingo ! get straight to a room! " What else? , "just before you go out, touch yourself, get yourself ready. You'll be prepared to look deeply at him, with satisfaction. Do you have a vibrator?" , "No" I said, "well I'll come shopping with you! ". Love that woman!

Dream more, stop talking, look at him, let the heat rise & get a vibrator. It wasn't just a penny dropping it was a brick to my head. Now to find someone to look deeply at!

what happened next

a big nothing. a big predictable nothing. why predictable? because he does nothing to start or initiate a date or even regular contact. and that is the most telling behaivour of all.

So ten days after seeing the film, I had one of those female emotional moments. It was the night of my dad's birthday (dec 23rd) Surrounded by such greatfamily, full of good foods (zuchini flowers on the bbq with rose champagne) I just want to have someone to share that with...a really basic emotion.and at nearly 40 it's time to experience & share this feeling.

A bursting feeling came over me. A monster of desire birthing from my throat and mind. I had to text mrBalconyView. just something simple. but just some bloody contact. No longer wanting to be predictable, my new self is more demanding of my emotional needs.

it was almost 10pm, but, oh well, why sleep when you have desire on the brain? "hi, just to say hello. hope you are good and catch up some time soon."
my expectation was he would ignore. So I started getting ready for bed, within10 mins I heard my phone beep. I choose to keep brushing my teeth, and slowly went to the phone to see the message. " I'm good. at home chilling. merry xmas. hope you are well.would be nice to see you soon"
My heart just started beating stupidly widly.
for the next 50 mins we texted back and forward..fun but he shifted the conversation from anything serious & didn't solidify any dates. "going to bed now. have to finish xmas shopping tomorrow. Are you alright?"
the last part was the stopper. Did he think I was unhinged? I felt caught out with the comment.

another day where I swore under my breath about my behaivour & vowed to get over him.