My new life

How's the view ? this is from the rooftop at work. I always like standing next to big blokes as I look small and petite. Notice the glass ? it was the day of the Xmas party & we were warming up with some afternoon beverages.

I could talk about the Xmas party, but I'd rather fill you in on the last few weeks. Thanks to K & SillyV for your promptings..I do appreciate your interest....and will try to make this worthwhile.

Work is both hard and amazing. I've really found an extraordinary company to work for & the people really make it. When I was paid on Friday I also thought, shit...better make them think I'm worth this...cos being paid is such a relief. No more watching the daily sales figures and doling out the small amounts of cash.

My brain is being reorganised every day. Sometimes I can't talk as the words won't come out...my brain is so absorbed in comprehension.

There are lots of lovely men at work but it feels more like a school group. We just have fun, be serious when needed and talk ideas and strategies. It's just nice to take the edge off the situation and just be me. It's a contented but stretched contented feeling because you're taken for your contributions and helpfulness, not your superiority or bossiness.

A group of us have found a mutual love of Duran Duran & have taken to quoting different lyrics. No wonder I like it so much.

This all leads to a new version of Cat's approach to Men. I'm not interested in pursuit, not interested in false starts or contrived flirtations. His interest has to be genuine in both interest and effort. I'm not here to satisfy his ego, nor mine. Would rather pack up early and go home (as if...I'm always the last ! ) so I talk to people and just enjoy myself....or dance like a maniac.

I feel relieved to take the need for effort from me. It's not something I always have to actively pursue...cos that gets tiring. I like my friends and my life too much to be absorbed by incomplete attractions.

here but in a different way

I'm on the edge of a new job....so completely different from my other it's hard to think. Currently I work for myself & have done for 6 years, I also run a fashion shop. The store will continue but the other things will have to be ditched.

I'm preparing three presentations on strategic marketing for an experiential marketing company. I'm the expert on interactive & Web 2.0 media marketing. Thanks to my interest in blogging, wikis, mobile phones and eBay, I've managed to become a semi-expert. The presentations are this week. It's been a 2 month process and it's right there...the opportunity to shift my life completely. There is nothing like a job to change your life. Relationships can happen within moments and then disapear with a cracking thud to the heart. Jobs are much more permanent. Hard to acquire, hard to know if they're right by oh so satisfying when it's good.

Right now, the man is impossible, the job is the nearest thing to any long-term satisfaction..or in marketing speak, 'long-term engagement' ... so I'm getting engaged to a job. I just need to be proposed to.

taking some blame

For future purposes I will not tell a bloke I like, even if it's really good, anything about the blog. Even before I do, I'll prepare a series of leading questions like..."how do you feel about anonymous confessional blogs?"
"Do you have any secrets you'd like to share, I'll tell you one of mine, but you first! "
"What are your thoughts on privacy ?"

Voice Man was reading the blog in between the non-contact period & some of my thoughts would have put him off, that I want a good relationship & am ready for one...which is hard for me to finally acknowledge, being the Princess of Subtlety

I knew the risk. Although not directing my goals at him specifically, I was being truthful to me. I don't want to be embarrassed, guilt ridden or ridiculed. My needs are fairly reasonable...to meet someone good & build some life or partnership together. I didn't make any deliberate postings..I only think of the topic that day or moment I sit at the keyboard.. they are just the thoughts swirling around demanding an escape path.

I never expected that Voice Man would turn out like it did & that there would be 4 weeks between that Tuesday of no-sleep and the final phone call. In that time we didn't see each other, barely spoke, rain checked our nights 3 times & he had his birthday party. Even before my thoughts were on-line, he was misbehaving. I didn't want to feel stifled by what he was thinking about what I was expressing. Just let it all out, sick of keeping my desires a secret.

I did make the mistake of telling him about the blog & yes it did contributed to his decision, I'm sure.

Lesson learned: keep some secrets.

undecided

Should I go to Voice Man's gig this weekend ? or should I just delete him ?

Last week Voice Man asked for my thoughts in an email. He said 'there are no wrong answers' So I told the truth, I'd like to see him again. I had taken a back step because of his birthday & the non-invite, but thought it was still worth pursuing, seeing what would unfold.

Obviously it was a wrong answer because that was Friday and it's now Wednesday.

I am really calm about it all, really I am. The frustrating bit is the 'not seeing' him bit. The one where you can answer all your internal questions just by seeing and talking to them again.

The reason I am calm is the myriad thoughts I'd had about my own existence in the last few days. I am determined to respect myself, gently demand it in others and focus on integrity, kindness and that extra sense of considered urgency you put into a relationship with someone you really like. That feeling of knowing it's special, the constant surprises you get when you're in their company; the 'oh, no, really ? ' responses.

There are two options. I can go to his music gig this Sunday. I wouldn't make a scene..but kinda interested to hear him perform, especially if they play "love is a battlefield", a particular favourite of mine.

Or I can forget about it & show him his behaivour is not good enough, and delete him from Facebook, my phone & my astro chart page. (I have a file on the astro web site & it saves all your charts ) That would be about everything, except I want my DVD back. I gave him my original copy of the Catalyst program (the show I was on) so I'd have to get that back.

Okay, vote please !

asking the colour rose

I'd never heard of Aura-Soma, a colour therapy system based on choosing bottles of colour. It was one of those Sunday afternoon things to do, walk around the local markets, stroll around a different suburb and happen upon a new store with pretty coloured bottles & a offer to colour consult you for $25. "why not" is the answer....

The Colour Rose is the shop name in the Sydney suburb of Balmain. It's all white with pretty coloured bottles all displayed. You pick 4 bottles & the consultant reads your purpose and energy via the colours chosen. I know even writing this it sounds bizarre, yet sometimes it takes a odd concept to untap hidden meanings and desires. Look at ink spots!

The consultant was a warm 47 yr old, I liked her straight forward manner & it turned out to be a good conversation about colours and their influences. We all know 4 yr old girls love pink, then 60 yr olds love purple & goths love black. So I love cornflower blue, girly pink & a good shot of hot red. These were all interpreted to mean certain emotions and attitudes. The blue is my signature colour & it transforms me when I wear it. My favourite cashmere hoodie, that cost me a small fortune 4 years ago, is this colour & I wear it to death.

The red bottle I choose represented the energy I have for life at the moment.

What really emerged was my desire for love. It's my biggest hurdle & greatest desire to bond with someone. The hurdles come from within me. I have a tendency to be over-critical about myself. I'm really hard on my perceived errors.

I'm going to take some time out from all the dating confusion. I need more physical energy & with the weather getting more delightful, it's almost a relief to stop thinking about men for a while & just start looking after me for a while & to love myself a bit more too.

Phones

Wednesday while rushing home to perfume up before heading to a Blog debate, I was listening to 2ser-fm. The hosts were talking about the recent Apec protests & had a guest, who had participated in the protests & was talking about his blog. They commented that his blog name was very boring & listeners should call in and suggest a new name. Co-incidentally I had been thinking of some names for another blog ( about marketing and web). The word 'agitpropster' was on my list... I think it means an agitator, or pot-stirer. However it's wasn't right for me, but maybe for someone who goes to protests. So I dialled the station

It always takes so long to get through & so I kept getting ready & waited for the phone to answer..of course, I decided to quickly use the toilet & that's when they answered, just before the flush. They put me straight onto the Blogger & he loved the name. Next thing he invites himself to the Blog debate. " I'm bald and am wearing a t-shirt with a drum on it", he said. It was a debate about Blogging vs Talkback Radio, so it was strangely appropriate.

I'll call him, The Agitator.

After the debate I went to the only bald t-shirt wearing bloke in the audience and introduced myself. It was him & it was hilarious to go from a radio talk in the afternoon to appearing at a debate a few hours later. I knew about 10 other people at the debate & we all went to the bar across the road, including The Agitator. Turns out he's a well-know communication strategist & he's 27 & another bloody Virgo.

After a few too many free drinks & a late night meal I went to look for my phone. The Agitator had left a message, and so had TypeA-SuperFit, his usual rude booty text message & I need my phone to set my alarm. I couldn't find it anywhere. Next day I rang all the places I'd been & no luck.

Life without a phone is weird. Being so modern I don't have a phone at home. The only way to talk was either real life or via email.

I bought a temporary number & go an old phone from the cupboard. I've had 4 offers of old phones, it's amazing how many we all have!.

The phone has lots of old messages in it, from 3 years ago. I had saved 43 messages from one old boyfriend, Ads, & it was such a delight to read them.

"Hi Gorgeous, Hope life is sweet and the shoes are selling. Miss your lovely soul. Say Hi to everyone for me. Ads xxx"

The messages are all like this. I don't miss him, I just miss the genuineness of the message, that someone was that nice to me. I went out with him for 6 months. He is a delight but not right, we both knew that so no pain afterwards.

Seeing all those messages & remembering the easy fun times we had (he is a Virgo & loved to cook, btw) I physically felt different reading the messages...there was no stress, no confusion, no analysing...just lovely and real.

At that moment I thought of Voice Man. We were emailing this week & still haven't caught up. I sent him a reply on Friday morning & haven't heard from him, which is upsetting. It's not that I don't like him or want to see him, but when there's no contact I have to accept he's not interested. I'm really sick of twisting myself in knots. I want more of the easy, real, non-confusing messages...not the no-messages. Kinda of simple really, I think.

Pre-emptive strikes

I had a lovely lunch with Lisa & Alison today. Lisa's just given birth to twins & Alison is pregnant with her second. We are the original 3 girl team from school & university. Over the years there's been many meals, bottles of wine & great conversations. Recently our monthly dinners have become essential to our sanity. There is a level of advice and comfort we've taken from each other ...and some of it is quite direct.

To tell them that my love life is still confusing is just tedious. Not because they aren't interested, but because we are all sick of it...it's a never-ending story. We all want a happy ending & it's taking longer than my mortgage commitments to eventuate.

They sense my frustration & although interested in my stories, because they are interesting after all, a theme is emerging. The men are all running away, not trying, making pre-emptive decisions about relationships before we've even had a chance to get past the nervous stage. I'm turning into a wreck. I question myself over every detail & quite honestly I'm tearing myself up over everything. Alison said I don't deserve to torture myself, as they know I'm not pushy or needy or anything...in fact I'm too nice & patient and friendly.

Quite literally I've been rejected for 10 years straight.... which is harsh on my self-esteem. Thank goodness for my little white pills (zoloft) keeping me from hitting rock bottom. As a naturally cheerful person, this is getting to me.

I don't want to sound depressed....just having a moment to take stock and just forget about boys for a while. The annoying thing is I can't even cry anymore, which I feel like doing.

(Stacey, does kickboxing really work for this type of frustration? )

Dear Reader, remember this blog is a good way to vent, so glad I have this outlet...my most reliable relationship this year.

you know

There are those special moments of clarity when you know what you really want.

In this case it's not a certain person or specific plan.. there is no named place I want to move to, or person apart from me who can compliment this idea. This is how the plan starts. I have to want it first. Then the person/people match this. But I'm more sure this is where I need to move towards.

Where are my thoughts? I am on the cusp of a life change. Specifically I have biological needs and I don't want to be embarrased by them or belittled by the media's image of a single 40 yr old woman. I'm just me & it's me who's come to this decision.

It starts in me. Where I have more to give. More to do, more to want to love & be responsible for. Like an architect, I have a plan and I want to build something personal and special. There are a number of things I would like to do. Really basic stuff, but it's now time, increasingly so. Delightfully so,...that is to have a goal and a real goal of desire.

I want ...

A partner
A home
A family

The variables are built in. The goal is the same.

The right partner is still unknown, but I have no preconceptions. The home is what it is when I'm there with the partner. The family is any combination. I could have step kids, adopted, foster or my own, which I realise I would like to try for.

It's about building something. Which only two people can build together because they want to.

I've had enough of this self-sustaining life. Of creating my own fun, my own entertainment. I want to really love someone, get annoyed with someone & discover parts of me and him which you can't in a friendship or work environment.

I don't know myself in this way i.e. in a committed relationship. I've never had a relationship past 2 years, never lived with anyone...and I'm so bored with my predictability. A long term relationship is my South Pole, my bungy jump or hand-brake turn. ! something I've never done before !

Rarely do I have such a strong desire. A focused need. Yet it's a relief to have a goal.

As Rachel would say. "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen"

Replacing the Rabbit

You exist for so long on temporary pleasures, band-aid solutions & being resolved with what's on offer at that moment. You begin to wonder if it gets any better & if past pleasures are an exaggerated fantasy. Say you've been drinking Australian Champagne & then drink a glass of French. The taste is infinitesimally better. Each sip is explosive. You drink carefully not quickly, the whole experience is altered from just getting squiffy to being possessed by the liquid.

So it goes with sex. Each experience can be pleasurable; you learn enough about yourself to discover how to do this but it's a band-aid. A quick shot in the arm of skin & desire. We have needs, as humans, to have such contact with others. TypeASuperFit is my quick and only shot in the last year. He finds pleasure in my lack of other lovers, believing he has a unique power to satisfy.

Tuesday night I caught up with Voice Man. Our third date. The conversations and discoveries are so much fun, that time slides by, so I knew it would be a guaranteed good night. Mental preparations were surprisingly sparse. I thought only of the night ending with a pash in the car and maybe creating a little window condensation.

In a simple way, we get each other. Word plays, silly laughter, cheekiness & trivial knowledge as personality attractions. There's something really solid about him. Whereas I get flustered and loose all sense of decision making, his presence calms me.

I will blame the toilet door. Seated next to this draughty door at the restaurant encourage us to leave dinner earlier than expected. Carrying the half finished bottle of wine home, the suggestion was to finish it on my new deck - under the outdoor gas heater.

Slowly falling into each other arms after a good hour of silly chatting we almost fell off the couch pashing. He said, "this is your house you tell me what to do". "Well", I said " we can go inside to my room, but no hanky panky!" Voice Man is a rule breaker, quelle surprise. Maybe I'm not good at enforcing them ?

For the next hour I held out. "Underpants stay on!" I demanded. "It's a Tuesday night!" I tried to explain, "I got a wax this morning & I've still got bits of wax on me!".

"I'll do whatever you say, I can be a gentleman" he responded as he stroked and inspired me to break all my rules. This man knows how to touch, to bring your skin back to life. Everything he did worked. He could hold and lift and touch and move like in perfect choreography. Unlike something taught it was a naturally synchronised elevation of desires.

In short, dear reader, after many years of bad sex, I had a night of fabulous sex, thrice. No sleep, who cares ? ! We even saved water by showering together in the morning.

That wonderful rumpled bed hairstyle, smug smile & over-heated skin was the souvenir of the long night of action.

And strangely I'm not worried about where it's going. It's good, he's good & I'd say we are both making each other happy. That's enough for now.

The rabbit is replaced.

Voice Man found this blog yesterday & read it (will read this post too) ...my greatest fear has past. Hello you!

White Unicorn

A White Unicorn is a mythical rare beast. In Sydney girl speak, it's that rare man who is ready and primed for a relationship. The timing button has been pressed , the issues dealt with and he's ready to be released for set-ups and parties.

When a White Unicorn comes to visit or is introduced to you, as has happened a few times recently, the crowd parts and you are left with The Unicorn to examine his Relationship Readiness. Not that you haven't been given a vast set of notes on his desires, tastes, a few quirks and googled him prior, by the keepers of The Unicorn (our common friends). He appears remarkably at ease with probing questions, speaks eagerly and longingly of his nieces or children of friends, tells stories of weekends spent in wineries or out sailing, then mentions a piece of furniture he's bought for his house, uninhabited by others, just him, he pointedly hints.

The night goes well, eye contact is consistent, events in the future are proffered for potential coupling. "Would be great to catch-up sometime" he says "Do you have a card? " And your mobile number is simultaneously clicked into his phone. Everyone holds their breath as this action occurs, is it success?

I think it's all a rouse. To get the monkeys off his back. To tease the friends and allow them some set-up satisfaction. He's really a serial unicorn. He loves this attention from friends, a mix of pomposity and sympathy as well as being introduced as the Guest Unicorn of Honour.

Somehow the man who is so-called ready is not. The hunt for a mate is his, not others. No-one likes a walled garden...he wants to be free to roam to find a mate for himself. The captive prey is not as desirable as one he has to chase.

facebook

Apologies for not posting, even though heaps has happened, I've been obsessed by Facebook. For those who don't know this site...be warned! it's addictive. I've found so many friends, old boyfriends and just people in general. You can lurk around and play with games, applications, see what everyone is up to. As a web tool it's had an incredible impact on many people I know so the whole experience is not in isolation... for some reason we have all taken to this site in a swarm & that's precisely what makes it interesting.. that so many people you know are there.

Okay... you know when it rains it pours? well it's a virtual flood, a damn bursting wall of dating activity. Facebook has something to do with that too. I poked an old flame, TypeA -Super Fit.
A 'poke' is a facebook term for saying 'hello'. Cheeky but cute. The poke turned into a few texts, then phone calls at 10pm on Friday night. I madly cleaned up the house, lit candles and then put on sexy underwear including the black lace-trimed stay up stockings.

Why was I inviting him over again ? I needed it. And that man makes me do things. He enlivens me & we have fun. His muscular body is also slightly appealing.

The next night I meet an old friend in the pub...lots of discussions about relationships while watching the Bledisloe cup (australia lost :-( ) .

Meanwhile on Facebook I attracted someone & we are in email contact.. it's seems harmless? !

Then on Sunday I walked and lunched with a guy from RSVP. He is incredibly sweet & funny & is English of Indian origin. Not on my radar..but he's so easy to talk too. Five hours went very quickly & nice to do day-time non-drinking stuff.

Meanwhile on Ebay, my auction of some shoes was attracting attention. On advice I modelled the high-heeled shoes, as had had too many emails asking what they look like on.. An email question came through...'nice legs, sexy even'.

By Sunday night I was EXHAUSTED. 3 men in 3 days, one on facebook & email contacts. Plus text messages flying all around.

Normally I would panic. I would feel guilty having to split my interest & think it was my decision to make, or I should tell them I am seeing other men, albeit socially. But each of these guys is appealing to me in different ways. I can't make a decision. So this time I am just going to keep going...see what happens.

My multi-tasking skills are being exercised in a situations I didnt' expect. Havent' had time to read HP 7 too!

Follow through

That was the topic of the party. As I'm the expert of dating (even though I'm single) conversations are now centered on such issues. It's about being purposeful, especially at a party and seeing if there are any opportunities for flirting. There always are ..you just have to remember to do so & forget all your business niceties...don't shake hands, instead do the air kiss...be playful, dress well, look your best, smile & be interested in people...avoid heavy conversations & especially people who want to tell you long intense stories of broken dreams.

We all tend to rely on skills we are good at, and maybe too good at avoiding what we are unhappy with. Pete's 40th on Saturday was a perfect example. Pete is recently single. The last time we all met he bored everyone with a misery guts story of breaking up. Like me he was probably having issues with turning 40. Marilyn & I prepared by drinking the Moet (my present from MR BV) before arriving.

Pete was smiling. He was the great host, the proud 40 yr old, surrounded by family and friends, slapping backs and greeting us with true delight. I love seeing people's parents too. His mum's silver grey hair was in an elegant chignon, the dad was like a cute professor who chuckled as he spoke. I'm one of those sucky people who talks to the parents.

There's the moment when you look around & see people you never expected. Being a Sydney person my prior lives with other boyfriends or work comes back to me at such events. The connections were discovered as we asked the 'how do you know Pete ' question.

Mr Bv's friends, TCPP & The Englishman were both there. These two are lovely boys. I've never seen them with a girlfriend, but they always turn up to events, behave well, send thank you emails & generally fill the 'single-boy-quota' at parties. It was The Englishman's turn to ask me more flirting stories. The emphasis was on the follow through. He's a tall blonde English man. Beautifully dressed in a pin-stripe suit & soft purple shirt, he looked really smart. Not my cup of chai but he's been sniffing around some friends with no results. He has the best manners, but never initiates anything physical. He turns up for long chats & organises get-togethers. In short he doesnt' even get to the pash stage. As Marilyn says not even any 'hanky-panky-pants-on' fun.

The EnglishMan & I sat in the corner, out of the freezing wind. It was time for the talk. Like any of us, we've been hurt.." Why", I said, "are you still affected after 5 years? stop being so sensitive and stiff." My bossy self was coming through.
"After a while I can't see the relationship being the one, so I stop"
"Not even a kiss?"
"No" he replied.

"You can't know how a relationship is always going to play out" I explained " I've been so sure sometimes & three weeks later, he's a nut-job ..othertimes someone will grow on you & it's better than you predicted"

"The problem now is, TEM. You've shut off your physical side. You're stiff and lost interest in playfully touching someone." Very conveniently TCPP came by. "TCPP here loves a good playful clutch" I said recalling TCPP's boob & bottom grabbing at my party. I put my arm around TCPP & gave him a squeeze.

"TEM, near the end of a night, my friends are often lying on the couch, having fun conversations, giving hugs and being affectionate, in a friendly way. We all need the touch, it keeps you alive. So put you arm around me, we're friends and keep talking."

We all know how nice it is to sit back, be comfortable with friends and just talk? I'm on a campaign to have more of it.

Looking over at the Bar was MrBV. He was at it again. Hocking into some girl. He'd only been there a few hours, as he'd come from a wedding. He's like a kissing street performer.

TEM and I just shook our heads. "he's at it again, he can't help himself" he said.

By now it was almost 3am & his lift home was leaving. I gave TEM a last hug & said, 'Try this again, with someone else...don't be afraid of being affectionate..it's nice isn't it?"

I'm such a good love coach, as I walked home, perfectly alone.

He texted 'thanks' the next day.

Silliness

Silliness is important. You have to jump around, sing badly - but happily, clap out of time & feel exhausted from dancing at the end of the night. I did that twice on the weekend. The first night was expected. Skye, Amanda & I went to an 80's concert at the local workers club. As you can see from the image, they have bad carpet & cheap drinks. Three die-hards were determined to be up the front...thanks, but they're not us.

The line up was Uncanny X-men, The Models, Machinations, Shantoozies & Kids in the Kitchen. All local Australian bands who were 'big in the 80's'. The cost? $20. bargain.

Saturday night was a French film called "I Do'' with Marilyn and Mand. Highly recommended. Afterwards it was time to de-brief our week at the local pub. Bottles of champagne and chips were ordered and the pub was full of various spunks all alternating between watching the Rugby (Aust vs South Africa) and each other (this includes myself)

Mand had lent me 'The Game' by Neill Strauss, about the world of pick-up artists. It took two days to read & I fascinated by the method of picking up in bars. In summary you ask a group or person (who you want to talk to) an opinion question...to settle an argument & then go back to your friends. The idea is you started talking but didn't hang around. Inevitably they will want to talk more, find out the response, etc & then you are all talking.

Edith had arrived by now & in her refreshingly straightforward way, suggested the question to be whether a guy would be freaked out to find his girlfriend was bi-sexual. Interesting, suggestive and controversial.

We stopped one bloke as he walked past, excuse me, we said, we'd like a man's opinion on something...The question was asked (we tried not to burst with laughter) He pursed his lips, said something about how he's from the country & didn't know how to answer. His friends looked at him & started advancing on our table. We soon had all three of them talking to us.

Once the dynamics of the room shifted, it was like a kaleidoscope effect. Everyone started talking to each other. We felt empowered to talk to different groups, in fact people wanted it that way. I was talking to a divine guy from NY, Reid, he had such seductive eyes. Using the 'how old are you really' routine, I asked to see his drivers license. Luckily Edith was there to help me read it, my eyes were a bit wobbly by now. 1976? that made him 31, almost (a libran too)..if only he lived in Sydney, such a nice looking boy. The nine year age difference is still a touchy point with me, but I am learning to let that issue go. Just not interested in flings.

Suddenly closing time arrived & Edith luckily drove me home...I was a little too wound up doing so much social dynamics. It was 3am.

A successful weekend? I've learnt to pick-up, talk to boys, be demanding & still go home intact. There's another 40th this weekend...more games to play? MrBV will be there & TCPP. At one point our social dynamics will form into some kind of relationship; hopefully. I think I'm giving myself the best chance to meet someone, not be shy & not just talk to the chatty dags.

romance

No, I haven't bounced back that quickly, but have made a small significant discovery. Must have read somewhere about a film called 'Notebook'. That it's a lovely romantic story. As it happened I got an offer from Bigpond Movies (my service provider) with a 6 week free DVD trial. You just order them on-line and they arrive in the post.

The first 4 to arrive included Notebook and a Katherine Hepburn. Sunday was a cold winter's day & before I knew it, had a cup of tea, my ugg boots on & a blanket. I have an enormous sense of guilt watching films at home during the day. I should be outdoors in the fresh air, getting pink cheeks and enjoying the winter sunshine.! bugger that. I need something else. The previous night I saw the Paris Opera Ballet, one of the great ballet companies of the world. I was mesmerized watching the physical yet elegant movements of their bodies. My brain switched gears & my limbs reacted in rubbery approval. Culture does tame the beastly mind.

(note: we ran across to the pub after the performance to watch the Wallabies win against the All Blacks! high and low culture is good for you)

With the ballet as mental champagne, I needed to extend that feeling & watch a romance film.

Notebook soothed me & revived me. Too much of the West Wing's political grown-up dramas, CSI's forensic analysis & reality manipulations on TV have blocked my hope: the genuiness of the Notebook story was like a huge bubble bath for my mind & body.

Do I believe in romance again? I am ready to think so. That's my breakthrough.

control

Who is ever in control of that battle - the heart vs their head ? love makes you go spastic. Desire thwarts sense. They say women are peacemakers, anti-war & should be in charge of armies. We have the inner war going on all the time. The battle over desire, justification, common sense, self-esteem and happiness. Constantly plotting and analysing what the hell I should say, do, act...does HE LIKE ME OR NOT issues.!

My heart enjoyed kissing MrBV. The gentle affection and perfect fit made my heart sing. My head, experienced in his fey charm, knew it was a glitch in his romantic patterns.

So I did what my ego demanded. What therapists say you should do. My heart wanted to be free of the anger...so I did something not unfamiliar to an overwrought teenager in hormonal torture. I wrote him a letter.

Enjoying the sound of the keyboard as I pulled out the words. Watched them take a stand, highlight the events of our meetings and show how I was justified in feeling something for him, but asking for a final comment. 'this is how I have to deal with it' I wrote to him. 'Stay single, MRbv, and I'll go away'.

The beauty of my thoughts on that glowing page. Here was a summary of the back and forward of my emotions with him. I wanted him to know I found it hard to keep dismissing my desire for him. That I had done well up until the night of the party, the night of our first pash. Because, unfortunately it felt bloody good.

I wrote the letter in the morning. The words came together via the night's sleep. By the afternoon, and a bottle of bubbles with Liz later I decided to send it to him. I always think you can deal with that stuff later in the day.

Sending the letter as an attachment, I wrote.
subject line: ????
"instructions: print the attachment. read, then toss. burn or delete.. whatever you think fit.
yours. cat "
time: 5: 13 pm

The reply came back at 5:38pm

"All I can say is I think you are a wonderful girl, I never meant to hurt you and I would never intentionally do it. I am sorry that I have. I did not mean to lead you on.
The night of your birthday I didn't plan what happened, it just happened and I enjoyed being with you. I want you to be happy"

my reply
"thanks. just needed to know something. cheers, cat"

and finally from him
"Just one more thing, I don't give out bottles of Moet to everyone, I just say things like that because I get embarrassed giving presents."

(he said to me 'I give this to everyone' when he presented me with Moet... I now realised I was being dumb & should have teased him on that.... I was playing too sensitive)

Sending the letter did work. I emptied myself of him. Not quite ready for anyone else yet...but I'm closer to being ready for someone.e

And the walls came crumbling down...

I won't say how I know & it's only because my friends really love me & don'' want me to be hurt, but MrBV is over for me. He's been doing a lot of flirting and kissing of other girls in his obsession network. Others like me who are happy with some attention & have all recently experienced a more physical moment with him.

I was fine to start with...you know when you take such news calmly and gradually over the day you get angrier and angrier? As more evidence came to light, the slow glow of my experience suddenly lit like an airport at night & reality landed.

Everyone from the party has emailed or phoned their thanks, offered to pay for the damaged kitchen too, all except one person. The Monday email from me has gone unanswered. I re-read his card, it says' thanks for being my friend' , as he gave me the Moet he said' I give this to everyone' . He likes me, but he did say 'I like being single' on Sunday morning.

I want someone who wants to be with me, love me, so I can let all this love out that I have. To be 'loved and adored' is what I desire & so do all of you (my dear 5 readers!) and we all deserve it too.

Goodbye MrBV.

40th cont.

As the party warmed up, so did the need to be silly. The turntable was commandered by a member of the Bolshoi Ballet, with a fondness for 80's pop rock..'Kids in America' anyone?

The kitchen island was cleared and the table dancing began...which quickly turned into stage diving. Gosh I love to see my friends have a good time.

We each climbed up & did routines, longways, sideways, upways & through ways. It's amazing how many things you can do on a kitchen bench! A pause in the music and although no-one was on the bench it gave a sudden creak and fell over, plates and drawers rattling to a stop as it crashed into the cuboards. 'That's bloody Ikea for you' yelled Mathew appropriately.

The boys quickly righted it & typically in over-imbidded situations, the music went back on & we continued to party. Laughing as we re-told the story to those who missed it.

Don't know how it quickly became 3am. With 7 people left, everyone had a sudden thought to leave. They filed out - Penny, Thierry, Hunty, Amanda, Phil, Nicole and MrBV was last. He hesistated at the door, I stalled him with a 'what's the time question' Nicole turned to say some thing, saw a moment happening and quickly scurried off. I looked at him & thought 'Here goes'. The air kiss goodnight turned into a pash, a really good pash. The kind where he touches my neck, my hair; the kiss is soft and perfect. The cold 3am winds were blasting us at the open door. We closed it and walked to the middle of the empty room, with candles softening the room, the remainder of the Barry White album played as we continued the pash.

'Let's go into the room' I said. We calmly blew candles, turned off lights & walked into my room. Crawling onto the bed, we continued talking and it felt like the most normal thing in the world, that we were together and going to bed. 'I hope you'll get under this time' said MrBV, referring to 2.5 years ago when I slept on my bed in my dress, the first time we met. "Of course, I'll just get changed." Quickly grabbing my sexy nightie from the draw and removing the dag pyjamas from under the pillows, I went into the bathroom, removed only the eye and lip makeup & brushed my teeth. Emerging, he was in my bed, wearing his t-shirt.

I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, it was almost 4am & it was more about being affectionate, just having such a comfortable feeling & being with him. We kissed some more & I asked him why he called me a 'good girl' (from the text message) and he again said it that night. 'what do you mean by 'a good girl?' " I asked. Whatever he was going to say, I had to accept it...you just have to ask these things.. I held my breath. "You have such a generous heart, are always interested in people & are a wonderful person" We lay together just breathing close while he stroked my neck, jaw and shoulders. Such bliss.

We held each other until we needed to sleep. The morning was more affection & around 10am we woke, easily talked about life and stuff. I knew he would leave about now. I stood in my dressing gown (hair suitably touselled) and looked at him. Here's that bloody moment when he should say something..you know, like 'I'll call you'. I didn'' want to let that pass. 'I don't want to embarass myself by asking when I'll see you" I said quietly. "Oh, I'll see you again, maybe we'll see a movie?" he walked away with a long glance.

Walking slowly, carefully back to my room, I considered the night, the party, the damage, the fun & the unexpected 4am pash.

want to see the photos? click here for my facebook album. Can you spot MrBV giving me my present ?

Got there!

Sydney: 4pm, bucketing rain, 12 deg, winter is well on.
At home, glass of bubbles, plate of cheese & salami.
Ugg boots & cashmere hoodie.

it's my birthday. I'm finally here, quelle relief. Yes: I am relieved. The drama of the last few months is over it feels. Now I'm 40. The wait is over.

Taking the day off work to sit at home or do whatever I like. Spent most of the day on-line, talking to friends and not feeling guilty for doing pleasurable crap. Must learn to switch off guilt button more often.

I'm organising my party for Saturday night here at home. It will be cold so asking everyone to wear fur coats (which we all seem to have in our wardrobes) Hoping for a massive pile of fur as everyone warms up & tosses them in a heap.

I had an epiphany of sorts this morning, regarding 'my life'. Have been concerned about procreating, whether I can, should I, will I issues. As I have no partner/ husband or looming potential, the pressure to meet & make babies is less likely.

Five years ago I started my own business, working from home for the first few years I felt happier and less stressed. There was plenty of room for a partner & another life. It could have been a good set-up for fitting in marriage or motherhood, but that never happened. Over the last few months I've struggled with giving up this career for something else more stimulating (and better paid), plus accepting the life I have, plus wondering what to do & what can I do..only a few big questions.

This journey took me to the doctors. I'd spent weeks crying and feeling lethargic. I stopped exercising and lost all interest, except in episodes of The West Wing & drinking red wine. I needed be to challenged. My job was dull, the financial rewards few, creditors were calling & what I was , was depressed...officially. (the stolen handbag was the trigger, btw)

Tom Cruise may not approve, but Brooke Shields would. Taking anti-depressants has made all the difference. There's a cushion to my thoughts. The Darkness is not there. I can speak more openly about myself & to myself.

I told my mum first & she said the same thing...that I need a challenge, wasn't stimulated at work & what I was thinking was correct. It was time to move on & find another working life.

I've let go of so many ideas about my life in the last few weeks, so sorry for not posting, it's been a big month of thoughts. I've let go of my current work, and thought about how to wrap it up. Updated my CV, told some friends about the depression (happy to tell everyone, hence this post) and had a good conversation with a few friends about other work

So letting go of 'not being a mother' is not because I am selfish or deluded about motherhood, it's entirely circumstantial. I'm not having a child without a strong partner & I won't put pressure on an early partnership with a too soon pregnancy, just because, at 40, I should make it urgent.

I visited my lovely cousins last night, whose 4 yr old is my godson (who thinks he's a pirate). I loved being there, being a friend, an aunt, a godmother and playing walk-the-plank. Regardless of who has children, we love each others company & I love their kids. It all goes together. (wow think the champagne has kicked in!)

I feel unbelievably resolved. And ready to find what I need to find, as a 40 yr old & happy to be one.

A breakthrough

It seems women organise everything. From pub nights, movies, dinners and at home parties. Rarely do we get emails from our bloke friends organising something & if we do it's so last minute, ie. 1pm on a sunday for drinks, that you feel like ripping out your hair.
Give me something to look forward too! don't call last minute! organise something you drip-heads!

For example, Phil is called TwoChipPacketPhil (TCPP) The last BBQ he organised, was all BYO, from food to alcohol, he had only 2 chip packets open on the table. I had a drunken word in his ear a few months ago about reciprocation, organising things and the dreaded unpersonal last minute group email.

The Secret, my friends, is not a DVD, its telling blokes how to behave. My long rant to TCPP, has gained clear results. Invites to cocktail parties, well in advance; Drinks at nice pubs with interesting people and actual phone calls, not emails. How nice. We all had the best conversations last time, from dating, flirting and how to tell if someone likes you (guess who was the expert? moi) . everyone joined in. It was the nicest Sunday afternoon for a long time.

These are all MrBV's friends. I havent' seen him since January. I'll see him in a few weeks at the charity cocktail party TCPP organised.

The other benefit? I would recommend TCPP and his good friends to single friends, as good eggs.

Urgency

"It's been fun hanging out with you, but to find the right way to say this, I haven't felt any URGENCY to keep going. You know it's not personal, you're a great person and all, but that' s the factor for me, and the only way to describe why I haven't called, is that reason."

I admired his interpretation of the great dilemma. How do you know when you are with the right person? what criteria do you use to discern the importance of the current date and time afterwards? How much effort to expend? Who are they to you? Friends, acquaintance or lover.

The Coach hasn't called and I'm realising it's not URGENT. The quote above was from another relationship, a few years ago, but The Coach or I could say that to each other now.

I meet eligible blokes all the time. Kind, interesting, good jobs, totallly ready for a relationship, but not with me, or me with them. Urgency is the starter motor

(also have that Foreigner song in my head ' urgent, urgent, emergency')