taking some blame

For future purposes I will not tell a bloke I like, even if it's really good, anything about the blog. Even before I do, I'll prepare a series of leading questions like..."how do you feel about anonymous confessional blogs?"
"Do you have any secrets you'd like to share, I'll tell you one of mine, but you first! "
"What are your thoughts on privacy ?"

Voice Man was reading the blog in between the non-contact period & some of my thoughts would have put him off, that I want a good relationship & am ready for one...which is hard for me to finally acknowledge, being the Princess of Subtlety

I knew the risk. Although not directing my goals at him specifically, I was being truthful to me. I don't want to be embarrassed, guilt ridden or ridiculed. My needs are fairly reasonable...to meet someone good & build some life or partnership together. I didn't make any deliberate postings..I only think of the topic that day or moment I sit at the keyboard.. they are just the thoughts swirling around demanding an escape path.

I never expected that Voice Man would turn out like it did & that there would be 4 weeks between that Tuesday of no-sleep and the final phone call. In that time we didn't see each other, barely spoke, rain checked our nights 3 times & he had his birthday party. Even before my thoughts were on-line, he was misbehaving. I didn't want to feel stifled by what he was thinking about what I was expressing. Just let it all out, sick of keeping my desires a secret.

I did make the mistake of telling him about the blog & yes it did contributed to his decision, I'm sure.

Lesson learned: keep some secrets.

and the answer is...

Where was I Sunday afternoon? at Voice Man's gig or enjoying the view from Bondi Icebergs?

Let me take you back. The day after the last post, Thursday, was my monthly visit to the psychologist. We had only discussed financial and work issues, but this time is was the issue of assertiveness and self-esteem.

What I really needed was the strength to call him & put myself out of misery. The session turned into an episode of 'anger management' with me practising to the psych the phone call break up speech. I did my usual polite/ funny/ understanding speech & yet it didn't feel right. She asked me why I was letting him off the hook? was I being nice because I carried some hope?

I took a deep breath and started again.. the anger at him ignoring me, the anger at not being invited, the anger at him asking for my opinion and then ignoring me again. It all started coming out; my fear of my anger being out of control didn't' happen. I was vocally determined to say my bit, not suppress it. By knowing I could say everything I was lightened.

Later that night I called him. Frustratingly it went to voice mail. Even here I left a angry message ' Hi, call me back, you'll probably ignore this message but anyway, would be good to speak'

I went to Facebook & deleted him as a friend. I don't want reminders.

He called back. I wanted to get in first. "I won't be coming to your gig this Sunday, we should finish this and say it's over' He agreed. He was putting it off, calling me back. Instead of just laughing it off, I wanted to tell him the things that I was upset by.

'Why did you ask for my opinion & then ignore me? ...I really haven't enjoyed the last few weeks, it's been more upsetting than you realise "
It felt good to really say my bit.

"Sorry", he said, "I'm a bit of a mess. I've been reading your blog & you seem to want something else and really I'm not a good catch. I hesitated calling you these last few weeks."

"I suspected that was what you were doing, I know you can behave better than this." it keep on coming out ! "I will want my DVD back."

"I'll mail it too you, what's your address?

"And I've deleted you as a friend on Facebook, don't want any reminders' "Fair enough"
"So anyway, good luck with the gig'
"uh, thanks"

clunk.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It does take a while to work yourself up & say what really hurts you.. this should make it easier in the future to say what ails & pleases me, rather than play nice.