undecided

Should I go to Voice Man's gig this weekend ? or should I just delete him ?

Last week Voice Man asked for my thoughts in an email. He said 'there are no wrong answers' So I told the truth, I'd like to see him again. I had taken a back step because of his birthday & the non-invite, but thought it was still worth pursuing, seeing what would unfold.

Obviously it was a wrong answer because that was Friday and it's now Wednesday.

I am really calm about it all, really I am. The frustrating bit is the 'not seeing' him bit. The one where you can answer all your internal questions just by seeing and talking to them again.

The reason I am calm is the myriad thoughts I'd had about my own existence in the last few days. I am determined to respect myself, gently demand it in others and focus on integrity, kindness and that extra sense of considered urgency you put into a relationship with someone you really like. That feeling of knowing it's special, the constant surprises you get when you're in their company; the 'oh, no, really ? ' responses.

There are two options. I can go to his music gig this Sunday. I wouldn't make a scene..but kinda interested to hear him perform, especially if they play "love is a battlefield", a particular favourite of mine.

Or I can forget about it & show him his behaivour is not good enough, and delete him from Facebook, my phone & my astro chart page. (I have a file on the astro web site & it saves all your charts ) That would be about everything, except I want my DVD back. I gave him my original copy of the Catalyst program (the show I was on) so I'd have to get that back.

Okay, vote please !

Single Girl's Dinner

There's a familiar theme amongst us... apart from tortured thoughts on males & that's how we dine at night, at home alone

Sitting here with a half-finished bottle of wine, slab of brie & internet connection I realise we have similar dietary habits.

Dressage: tracky bottoms (long ago they were for yoga) , ugg boots & today's smugged make-up.

In the fridge is a half-eaten take-away meal. It's from a pseudo home-cooked take-away place. At least it feels like I cooked it. Some meals taste better microwaved the next day ? don't you think ?

Vino in some form. Tonight it's a Spanish red.

Cheese always features. I like brie, but I have no idea the diff between Camembert and brie... may be a fat percentage in the wrong direction.

A glass of water for dehydration. Again the balance is falling the wrong way.

Mobile phone is within reach....remaining stubbornly quiet.

And sneaking out for a fag to starve off lack of fresh air. So I tell myself.

... then more boy thoughts before snuggling into clean sheets. Sometimes it's nice to be home alone.

Silliness

Silliness is important. You have to jump around, sing badly - but happily, clap out of time & feel exhausted from dancing at the end of the night. I did that twice on the weekend. The first night was expected. Skye, Amanda & I went to an 80's concert at the local workers club. As you can see from the image, they have bad carpet & cheap drinks. Three die-hards were determined to be up the front...thanks, but they're not us.

The line up was Uncanny X-men, The Models, Machinations, Shantoozies & Kids in the Kitchen. All local Australian bands who were 'big in the 80's'. The cost? $20. bargain.

Saturday night was a French film called "I Do'' with Marilyn and Mand. Highly recommended. Afterwards it was time to de-brief our week at the local pub. Bottles of champagne and chips were ordered and the pub was full of various spunks all alternating between watching the Rugby (Aust vs South Africa) and each other (this includes myself)

Mand had lent me 'The Game' by Neill Strauss, about the world of pick-up artists. It took two days to read & I fascinated by the method of picking up in bars. In summary you ask a group or person (who you want to talk to) an opinion question...to settle an argument & then go back to your friends. The idea is you started talking but didn't hang around. Inevitably they will want to talk more, find out the response, etc & then you are all talking.

Edith had arrived by now & in her refreshingly straightforward way, suggested the question to be whether a guy would be freaked out to find his girlfriend was bi-sexual. Interesting, suggestive and controversial.

We stopped one bloke as he walked past, excuse me, we said, we'd like a man's opinion on something...The question was asked (we tried not to burst with laughter) He pursed his lips, said something about how he's from the country & didn't know how to answer. His friends looked at him & started advancing on our table. We soon had all three of them talking to us.

Once the dynamics of the room shifted, it was like a kaleidoscope effect. Everyone started talking to each other. We felt empowered to talk to different groups, in fact people wanted it that way. I was talking to a divine guy from NY, Reid, he had such seductive eyes. Using the 'how old are you really' routine, I asked to see his drivers license. Luckily Edith was there to help me read it, my eyes were a bit wobbly by now. 1976? that made him 31, almost (a libran too)..if only he lived in Sydney, such a nice looking boy. The nine year age difference is still a touchy point with me, but I am learning to let that issue go. Just not interested in flings.

Suddenly closing time arrived & Edith luckily drove me home...I was a little too wound up doing so much social dynamics. It was 3am.

A successful weekend? I've learnt to pick-up, talk to boys, be demanding & still go home intact. There's another 40th this weekend...more games to play? MrBV will be there & TCPP. At one point our social dynamics will form into some kind of relationship; hopefully. I think I'm giving myself the best chance to meet someone, not be shy & not just talk to the chatty dags.

control

Who is ever in control of that battle - the heart vs their head ? love makes you go spastic. Desire thwarts sense. They say women are peacemakers, anti-war & should be in charge of armies. We have the inner war going on all the time. The battle over desire, justification, common sense, self-esteem and happiness. Constantly plotting and analysing what the hell I should say, do, act...does HE LIKE ME OR NOT issues.!

My heart enjoyed kissing MrBV. The gentle affection and perfect fit made my heart sing. My head, experienced in his fey charm, knew it was a glitch in his romantic patterns.

So I did what my ego demanded. What therapists say you should do. My heart wanted to be free of the anger...so I did something not unfamiliar to an overwrought teenager in hormonal torture. I wrote him a letter.

Enjoying the sound of the keyboard as I pulled out the words. Watched them take a stand, highlight the events of our meetings and show how I was justified in feeling something for him, but asking for a final comment. 'this is how I have to deal with it' I wrote to him. 'Stay single, MRbv, and I'll go away'.

The beauty of my thoughts on that glowing page. Here was a summary of the back and forward of my emotions with him. I wanted him to know I found it hard to keep dismissing my desire for him. That I had done well up until the night of the party, the night of our first pash. Because, unfortunately it felt bloody good.

I wrote the letter in the morning. The words came together via the night's sleep. By the afternoon, and a bottle of bubbles with Liz later I decided to send it to him. I always think you can deal with that stuff later in the day.

Sending the letter as an attachment, I wrote.
subject line: ????
"instructions: print the attachment. read, then toss. burn or delete.. whatever you think fit.
yours. cat "
time: 5: 13 pm

The reply came back at 5:38pm

"All I can say is I think you are a wonderful girl, I never meant to hurt you and I would never intentionally do it. I am sorry that I have. I did not mean to lead you on.
The night of your birthday I didn't plan what happened, it just happened and I enjoyed being with you. I want you to be happy"

my reply
"thanks. just needed to know something. cheers, cat"

and finally from him
"Just one more thing, I don't give out bottles of Moet to everyone, I just say things like that because I get embarrassed giving presents."

(he said to me 'I give this to everyone' when he presented me with Moet... I now realised I was being dumb & should have teased him on that.... I was playing too sensitive)

Sending the letter did work. I emptied myself of him. Not quite ready for anyone else yet...but I'm closer to being ready for someone.e

continuing on

It's only been a week since my birthday party. We've rebuilt the kitchen island (like the 6million dollar man) it's better and stronger than before. There is some cake left in the fridge (with a knife on the plate next to it) Four bottles of French Champagne are proudly displayed along with all the cards & pressies. Having the party at home has extended the sense of the night. I see my home thru the good times of friends.

The past weekend was a continuation of my determination not to be bothered by MrBV & his lack of initiative. He cancelled our meet at the Art Gallery due to work. Maybe I should rename MrBV - The PartyPasher ?

Saturday night was two parties. The first, a wig party, although only a hour in attendance, I so enjoyed trying to dress the curly pink wig borrowed from Louise...you just pile on the make-up & go crazy with accessories. Afterwards I kept the wig on for Thierry's housewarming..."Didnt' you say this was a wig party? " as I greeted him in the costume. Not sure what his mostly French friends thought when I pulled out the iPod, and started dancing with a plastic chair. .... some nights you just dont' care. I'm not harming anyone...not misbehaving...just making people do things they really want to..secretly.

I really think my anti-depressive drugs are making me a hyperactive exhibitionist. Not the flesh baring type but 'lets all have fun' type.

Speaking of the depression. It's been about 6 weeks now. The drugs have definately kicked in & a cushion is protecting me from thinking badly of myself. My other worries: starting with finances, need to be sorted. Tomorrow I meet with my lovely doctor & we are putting in Medicare forms to help off-set the costs of professional help.

oh, and the most interesting person to contact me from RSVP is a 23yr old physio. Everyone else is too slack to organise a coffee meet.

Got there!

Sydney: 4pm, bucketing rain, 12 deg, winter is well on.
At home, glass of bubbles, plate of cheese & salami.
Ugg boots & cashmere hoodie.

it's my birthday. I'm finally here, quelle relief. Yes: I am relieved. The drama of the last few months is over it feels. Now I'm 40. The wait is over.

Taking the day off work to sit at home or do whatever I like. Spent most of the day on-line, talking to friends and not feeling guilty for doing pleasurable crap. Must learn to switch off guilt button more often.

I'm organising my party for Saturday night here at home. It will be cold so asking everyone to wear fur coats (which we all seem to have in our wardrobes) Hoping for a massive pile of fur as everyone warms up & tosses them in a heap.

I had an epiphany of sorts this morning, regarding 'my life'. Have been concerned about procreating, whether I can, should I, will I issues. As I have no partner/ husband or looming potential, the pressure to meet & make babies is less likely.

Five years ago I started my own business, working from home for the first few years I felt happier and less stressed. There was plenty of room for a partner & another life. It could have been a good set-up for fitting in marriage or motherhood, but that never happened. Over the last few months I've struggled with giving up this career for something else more stimulating (and better paid), plus accepting the life I have, plus wondering what to do & what can I do..only a few big questions.

This journey took me to the doctors. I'd spent weeks crying and feeling lethargic. I stopped exercising and lost all interest, except in episodes of The West Wing & drinking red wine. I needed be to challenged. My job was dull, the financial rewards few, creditors were calling & what I was , was depressed...officially. (the stolen handbag was the trigger, btw)

Tom Cruise may not approve, but Brooke Shields would. Taking anti-depressants has made all the difference. There's a cushion to my thoughts. The Darkness is not there. I can speak more openly about myself & to myself.

I told my mum first & she said the same thing...that I need a challenge, wasn't stimulated at work & what I was thinking was correct. It was time to move on & find another working life.

I've let go of so many ideas about my life in the last few weeks, so sorry for not posting, it's been a big month of thoughts. I've let go of my current work, and thought about how to wrap it up. Updated my CV, told some friends about the depression (happy to tell everyone, hence this post) and had a good conversation with a few friends about other work

So letting go of 'not being a mother' is not because I am selfish or deluded about motherhood, it's entirely circumstantial. I'm not having a child without a strong partner & I won't put pressure on an early partnership with a too soon pregnancy, just because, at 40, I should make it urgent.

I visited my lovely cousins last night, whose 4 yr old is my godson (who thinks he's a pirate). I loved being there, being a friend, an aunt, a godmother and playing walk-the-plank. Regardless of who has children, we love each others company & I love their kids. It all goes together. (wow think the champagne has kicked in!)

I feel unbelievably resolved. And ready to find what I need to find, as a 40 yr old & happy to be one.

Charity night cont

you long for someone's company, their attention and desire. Why is it, when you have let go, they start contacting?

it was just after midnight when MrBV texts me asking where I was. I'd made a decision to go home. After 5 hours of drinking, on a Thurs night, it was time to leave. 'Should have said goodbye' I texted back.
'Yes you should have'
At this point. After having a 3 year crush on him. After enduring all the silly fantasies I'd harboured, I just couldnt' believe he was worried about where I was.
This was my reponse 'Tough Titties'
'That was harsh' he replied
Time to spell it out ..'I am a contradiciion. Just like you. You are interesting. But you are after one thing & I'm after another. So I left'
'Ok can't argue' he replied. Then another 'you're a good girl
'You are always my friend. That never seems to go away.'
'that's good'. he finished with.

I felt I'd been honest & decided to send him some 80's band info the next day. It was about the friendship now.

Lying in bed, by now, the phone buzzed again. It was 12:40am. Bloody hell, it was TASF! he loves long texts. trying to focus in the dark I had a suspicion of the contents. Yep, he was asking for it, a late night visit, all on his terms. 'but just understand it's not a permanent thing'

So not interested. I was sick of his rude demands. "darls, I have my period"
'don't be silly, sheets can be washed"
"If I'm so desirable, then wait. good night"

He's an ex-lawyer so he loves long text messages. There is not enough space, nor do I have the inclination to post all the crap he said. I was just amazed at the messages. Where were these boys? sitting in bars sending messages, it was almost 1am. Just sad really.

Early the next morning TASF texted again. 'cat, you get the common sense award, good to see you....sorry about high testostorone conduct, you can probably tell I'm still a bit out there... "

I am over both of them. Their behaviour, their texting, it's all too immature and so unfulfilling.

Still can have fun, as friends. They are both coming to my birthday party on June 16th. MrBV emailed the next day. 'count me in for your party'

life; always interesting

Charity Night

It was last Thursday night. Planned for a few weeks; it was a group of us, including TCPP & MrBV. The lure was a room full of Sydney's singles drinking for charity. I love getting dressed up & had my hair specially done. I felt just right. Not eager, Not desperate, just ready to enjoy my friends and see what can happen.

It was a high vibe room. Trays of drinks, everyone looking good, even clowns making those balloon animals. Standing back sipping champagne and scanning the room, ever so subtely, we girls decided to 'take a turn about the room' Our Jane Austen excuse for checking the scene, seeing who was there & figuring out where to stand to best take advantage.

MrBV had arrived, he air kissed me & held out his hand as I walked by. He was talking to two chicks in bad shiny dresses so I said hello & catch you later. The rule is you dont' talk to your targets too early on. You wait until they are loosened up and more able to focus just on you.

Several drinks later, the music was amped up. We had our spot & more friends arrived. Mr BV was in deep discussion with a girl I knew had a crush on him & she was giving him dirty looks. I smiled as I walked by and talked to people near him. More manoeveurs laters and he came to talk to me. I called him a 'shit'. I hadn't seen him since January (five months ago) and he didnt' call after the TV show, despite sending a text message saying he was looking forward to it. 'Everyone calls me that' he said. I wasn't really mad, just wanted to get it out. We launched into our usual fun conversations, 80's music, work & holidays.

In a room full of people juicing up everyone shift places and positions like crazed synchronized swimmers. Being slightly inebriated ; conversations change quickly from lack of concentration. I was getting pushed by the crowd and stepped back onto someone, turning to apologise, it was TypeA-SuperFit who I was addressing. "I thought I'd see you here" I said. "I thought I'd see you here' he replied back.

That's when my night compacted. There were really only 3 people in the room. Me, MrBV and TASF.

I wasn't confused. It wasn't about re-igniting old flames, or seeing if they still like me. I know there is a bond & we can laugh and can be friends, but it was figuring out the 'something'. The bit why they are both 'shits' why they like me but do nothing. Right there I had their attention and took my time to speak to both of them, seperately, in the context of happy drunken chit-chat.

TASF is still a post-divorce mess. A high-testostorone women-heat-seeking would-be giggolo. He is heaps of fun, but so determined to have his way. Whereas MrBV is a workaholic socialiser. Equally determined not to be in relationship as it's not part of his plan.

It's a timing thing again. You can meet the right person and it's the wrong time of your life. busy-ness is evil. Acquiring status and security is paramount. Corporate socialising takes care of your personal life.

With all my practice leaving events, on my own timing, I finished my drink, realised the room was starting to empty and with a quick backward glance waved and left.

It's not until you give directions to the taxi driver that drunkeness really starts to appear. As I stomped to the house, my phone buzzed. It was MrBV 'where are you?' 'just got home' I texted back.

to be continued....

almost ready

Dating is a multi pronged game. And like most of life, there is too much choice in the methods.

I would love to do interviews, like a job. Have 40 CV'S and invite them into an interrogation room. have them strip to underwear and turn around, then mix a martini, turn on various household appliance without asking, say 'would you like a foot massage, darling' and mean it, send him to the bathroom and see if he leaves the toilet seat up before finally allowing me to reverse park while he says nothing.

Instead I am contemplating going back on RSVP. So I did a quick seach to see what's on the menu. A strangely familiar face starred back, it was The Coach. Funny reading someone you've dated. Would I have choosen him? probably not!

My profile and photos are all updated. Rather than rush the updates and go back on-line, I'll sit on it for a few days, in case I want to change anything. Also going to a big charity cocktail party on Thursday night...you never know. A room full of singles? like a room full of interviewees.

If I knew

If I knew when I would meet 'the love of my life' then I could relax. But every psychic has said 'he's just around the corner or in the next few months' so I get all hyped up, expectantly seek the connection with all new arrivals & watch as it all fades to nothing.

Just tell me when. Tell me the truth! I want to say. If it's not for another 5 years, then, sayonara to this rabbit hole & hello to a new cubby house in another world. Teach opening champagne bottles to 3rd world waiters ! run an illegal boarding house in Fiji! catch fish in Greenland !

I'd love to take a sabbatical from this dating fiasco. My entire life is geared to preening, watching, observing, trying and hoping it will be over soon (my single life, that is) I'm exhausted!!

I went to a party on the weekend, by circumstance I went by myself, thinking I have the social skills to get around and I thought I'd know enough people. It was a swamp of gay men and married people. I felt like yelling "who's single here? come and talk to me!!" The party represented one of those 'best opportunities' for meeting someone. ie. it was a private, friends' party so you can talk to anyone, you know they are from a certain background/ professional group and more likely to be of interest to you.

One thing I've learnt, cut your losses. So I left after the speeches, snuck out the door and with some sorrow, walked slowly back to the car, re-assuring myself I did everything I could, he just wasn't there. I do hate having to judge an event on the dating sucess rate, but that's my life.

Urgency

"It's been fun hanging out with you, but to find the right way to say this, I haven't felt any URGENCY to keep going. You know it's not personal, you're a great person and all, but that' s the factor for me, and the only way to describe why I haven't called, is that reason."

I admired his interpretation of the great dilemma. How do you know when you are with the right person? what criteria do you use to discern the importance of the current date and time afterwards? How much effort to expend? Who are they to you? Friends, acquaintance or lover.

The Coach hasn't called and I'm realising it's not URGENT. The quote above was from another relationship, a few years ago, but The Coach or I could say that to each other now.

I meet eligible blokes all the time. Kind, interesting, good jobs, totallly ready for a relationship, but not with me, or me with them. Urgency is the starter motor

(also have that Foreigner song in my head ' urgent, urgent, emergency')

Sundays

My cheery optimism that life will get better slips a little on Sunday mornings. Mondays are not a problem. Going to work is something to do. Something meaningful and distracting. In fact I can't sleep in on Sundays. I was awake at 6am. Weekdays I keep pressing the snooze and force the covers off.

The weekend is a reminder of my personal pergatory. My boring single life.

I don't want to moan and complain. So many times I've switched off the brain, got into gym outfit, my cossie or yoga pants and exercised the morning away. Cooked for lunch and looked forward to afternoon naps. It feels hollow. All this time and space to do anything you want.

I can be self-occupying. I love my own company and of others. But life is about sharing, having purpose and meaning. I spend my working life being self-directed. Writing lists, tasks and planning the day. The weekend is meant to be the opposite, the antidote to work. More about play and rest and the personal, including personal obligations, such a family and friends outtings.

Sunday mornings is when it all hits. I can do Saturday nights at home. A few glasses of red, tucked up on the couch, and with 2 seasons worth of The West Wing to get through, I'm supremely self-occupied.

This morning it was too quiet. There's no-one there. The inside me wants a cuddle, wants a hand to flop over my waist, to feel the warmth or hairiness of another being. Wants a reason to stay in bed and enjoy the quiet.

randomness

I usually wake from broken sleep and scribble thoughts onto my notepad. If it's dark, I'll use my mobile phone light to scratch the ideas. My little moleskin notebook is then tossed into whatever handbag, dived for at cafe's and traffic lights to further the day's relationship question & answer.

I left my notebook in the seat pocket of the plane. They can't find it. It may take weeks of flying around the world before someone finds it deep in the pocket. Or maybe not.

Over the trip to FNQ, Liz and I discussed ideas and I had to quickly find another notebook to start over. Here are some of the conversations..(before I loose this one)

What fills you, as a single person, with dread? a wedding? christmas? company functions or holidays. It seems fun at first to be unemcumbered, to float around a room, flirt, drink & talk to whomever. Then the events start being too random in entertainment. It would be nice to know a guaranteed person to attend these with, someone to capture the thread of life's events.

What makes you angry? Jewellery was my answer. I once bought a Tiffany &Co necklace, a nice little Elsa Peretti piece, modern and daily appropriate. The hideous witch I worked with commented 'it would be so much nicer if a man had bought that for you'. With that one sneerful comment she embedded a life time of voice data to my new necklace. I had honestly never heard of such an idea. Only a man can buy you jewellery? what of the gifts from parents, relatives and the inherited items? isnt' love the imparting emotion of jewellery. I love my necklace & hope it turns into a cherished 'aunty cat's' necklace story.

Finally over Mai-Tai's by the pool, came the big discussion. Why are we still single? Am I dealing with prior-life karma? do I still need to be single for some reason ? are there any more bloody lessons to learn? I'm as ready as anybody can be. Just in case I continously purge my house/ office/ handbag & car boot of extraneous objects in case 'hoarding' is spoiling my relationship feng shui.

so it's to Miles Franklin, for a final word on what I'm looking for in a partner.

"...it would be one who could put his finger on some hidden spring in himself and in me and in grand fusion reveal the fullness of life."

astro note: miles franklin: sun & merc - libra. Moon, venus, uranus-virgo. Saturn - aries.

I tried

Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail. The best bit about getting older is you don't take the knocks so personally.

Event: Advertising boys having a combined birthday party.
Location: by the harbour
Theme: rock star

Great friend Nicole wore all pink, because she was Pink. I choose the strapless cocktail number and did Cyndi Lauper, with less make-up. My new FNQ tan would enhance my shoulders and bust in the outfit, a boy-catching outfit, I thought. My new dressing strategy is to look more feminine, show off the female bits, but not too much. More Scarlett Johansen than Paris Hilton.

I used eye contact, chatted to people, danced and wiggled, only had a few champers, got introduced to various single boys....but nothing. The biggest group of men were in the corner smoking dope & drinking jugs of beer.

We called it a night before 12, happy to dress up, go out & generally be 'out there'...but if he's not there, he's not there. And anyway, sometime a good night's sleep is more enjoyable.

Avoiding superficiality

I'm falling into the superficial conversation trap. Why do I have such great discussions with my female friends, ranging from issues on The West Wing, diatribes on best bakeries to life, the universe and rabbits: when I talk to blokes it so banal. so boring. Its all so nice. When I try to deepen the conversation..their eyes glaze over..conversation comes to a grinding halt, like talking to a mule. So you try to stick to conversations they are excited about... sports, holiday plans and whatever is their current passion. I accepted long ago you are rarely asked questions about your life. More evolved men will ask, socialised ones will too. I think it's just polite to have a bit of to & fro with conversations.

back to superficial.

I saw The Coach last night for easy meal in Chinatown. We both picked better this time and really enjoyed the fragrant meals while the rain poured down outside. (does is rain everywhere in April?) he's really sweet, has lovely sparkly eyes (probably because he doens't drink) but all we talked about was work. Which is a valid part of any conversation, but not all of it.

So I'm trying to stop this pattern of being superficial in conversation. I want it to deepen without resorting to 'twenty questions' style or asking any 'where is this going' demands.

Starting with 'can I ask you something personal...?" as the entry to these ideas.

• In the last 5 yrs of your work what are you most proud of?
• What made your last relationship good, was it similar interests or such ?
• What qualities do you like in a woman ? that's she's similar or different in which ways?
• Where would you like to be in 5 yrs time both professionally and personally.
• Are you a dog or cat person?
• What's your favourite pizza toping?
• Tell me something naughty you did as a child.
• When you're cleaning the house, do you sometimes start singing 'whistle while you work' ?
• What should we name our first born ? (only kidding!)

I've learnt from the Catalyst show that doing something exciting, adrenaline producing, does bring you closer together. I find some conversations can be exciting in this way too. let's see if I have the guts to go deeper.

56 Days

Birthdays are huge to me no matter which age I am, I feel the clicking of time and life. I used to count the days from my brother and sister's birthday to mine, which was yesterday, it's 56 days. This year I'll be 40, so these 56 days are weighty.

Discussions are underway about the party. Being slightly wealth-challenged, I'll have it at home. Not easy in a 2 bed flat with my brother and his fiancee living there too. But I love the squashy party feel. The noise level of so many people conversing. Added to this, it will be the middle of winter (Im in the southern hemisphere, don't forget) and for Sydney this is about a 12deg night. So the theme is Russian Winter. Vintage Furs are required, Vodka shots and coal fires to be warmed by. My gorgeous friends are all offering to help decorate and prepare food/ cocktails.

Not being morbid, but situationally, I've been single on each of my important birthdays - 21st, 30th and now 40th. I'm not sure I want to start seeing someone before then, the pressure of an early relationship and then an important birthday is loaded. There is a strange dance of expectation on birthdays in the early stages. Firstly you have to tell them you have a significant birthday coming up, but emphasize there is no pressure. All your friends and family are celebrating and yet there is one eye on the new love interest. It's both a familiar and unfamiliar situation. Can he handle the attention just on you? can he be left alone amongst all your family, and what qu's will they ask ? Oh well, I've got 56 days to find out what will happen.

Fantasizing

I can't Fantasize anymore. The mental pictures you allow yourself to have when you meet someone. I don't mean the naked lusty one: they can be had just visiting the beach or pool or wherever you see nice male torsos.

It's the life-with-someone- fantasy. How you imagine a good partner will be, the together feelings, the companion thoughts, the things you can do together. You have a mental picture of one who will work best for you, prehaps a fellow cheese lover, or outdoor enthusiast.

You start mentally picturing life together when you talk, he'll tell you of holidays/ activities/ great experiences and you'd love to be there too. Then you hear about work or friends or family & it all sounds good. You can see yourself in that world. Equally he is interested in you, that look he gives of both softness and interest, the look that says he 'gets you'.

You explore more of life's desires, there is agreeance on places & spaces. Prehaps he is companion for all this. So you start fantasizing. The nesting thoughts, the easy company thoughts, the cheeky thoughts..you can see yourself doing that with this bloke. The rarity of this experience heightens this fantasy...finally someone to daydream about, someone to fill in the void.

Slam on the mental brakes! the hardest part is pulling away from the fantasy, it hurts more than the physical. Flesh pain is resitant, the mental life you've created is harder to repair & recover from, when a relationship, on the verge of becoming something, fails to start.

I like The Coach. He sent me a message last night. I'm still on holidays here in FNQ, back in a few days. Will look forward to seeing him again..but there are no fantasies. I'll just deal with what really happens, if it does and when it does...reality is the new reality.

Profiling for a mate

When you list yourself on a dating site or attend relationship -finding events, you're generally asked what you are looking for. By being specific you think you'll get exactly what you ask for... tall, educated, well dressed, likes Duran Duran etc. Some profile questions you can be relaxed about..

Here's what I go through when selecting

• Age: 37- 43 (don't like them younger, dont' want them that much older)
• Height: at least 5ft 9in (I'm 5ft 6.5)
• Education: university level ( I have a bachelor and post graduate)
• Music: must like 80's
• Smoke: no
• Drinks: yes. (excessive drinking is no longer attractive !)
• Food: meat, yes. (no vegetarians)
• Body type: medium, fit, athletic (no fatties, no man boobs)
• Ethnicity: caucasian. (Been through the Italian/ French/ Argentanian stages.. not interested, not even English/ scottish/ irish guys. I like aussie blokes.)
• Star sign: virgo, libra, leo are best. dont like sag or cap & aqua' are weird. everything else is fine. cancer can be sulky.
• Dressing: hate sports sunglasses, those velcro-walking sandals, rugby jumpers except at the game. everything else can be changed.
• Relationships: would prefer a not married/no children background, but divorced is okay and so is' has kids but with the mother mostly' is okay. (I'm softening)
• Political: has views, but not too radical or too right.
• Religion: christian. (to be honest it's easier they are same, would prefer catholic, but any christian will do)
• Sport: must like exercising. If he's a swimmer, even better. Not a soccer, AFL or rugby league fan. More off the couch than on, for sporting interests.

this kind of self-selecting profiling is detrimental, because really I like blokes who are active, interesting, dynamic, well-mannered, nice looking/ well preserved, but not pretty, will try something, not afraid of different foods or cultures and can be taken anywhere & will get along with most people. doesnt' suffer fools and boring people.

and what I've just selected is not necessarily going to help me find what I've just described.

Right now, the bloke I dated the other night wouldn't fit that self-selection..he left school at 15, likes working class sports (soccer and league), is same height as me, is older than I think he is, is wrong star sign, but he's worldly, interesting, dynamic, adventurous, hard working, no kids, and many other things better suited to me, but not profile perfect. Scarily I wouldn't select him based on some criteria, such as education, yet he's top of his field and well respected.

lesson learnt: don't be too worried about self selecting.

finding the fit man

A few years ago I saw Elizabeth the psychic. Many things dont' make sense but she did mention stuff about TV & Films which is now true. I have focused on the few keys things she said about the next bloke, as you do.

The description was 'nice partner coming into life, caring, fit, kind. nice family. A boat, dogs, 2-3 children, you'll live near water - not in sydney, he'll have ppl in Noosa."

Since then, never in my life have I gone out with so many fit blokes. There's been marathon runners (he'd run to get the car the next day after big night out, a handy skill) , rowers, 6am gym maniacs, the surfing physiologist, a pentathete (the horses and archery kind) and now the fitest of them all, a motivational coach & fitness book writer, MrUltraFit, called for a catch-up.

All of them want to live near water, all want to buy boats... it's like a package, once they are fit, they want the other bits.

So the Ultimate Fit bloke, the one I kissed for a bottle of wine six months ago, emailed to catch-up. We meet in Chinatown for a quick meal, ended up talking until they cleaned up around us & stacked the chairs. And guess what? he just bought a boat, and is off up the coast to his dad's holiday house, you guessed it, by the water for the weekend.

Blog-versary

One year since I started this ! now I'm 130 posts down, the tv show has aired...but still no man.

In my obsessive astro way, I look for reasons why. I'm constantly looking at astrology sites to see what the stars are doing to my Gemini life. While I thrust myself into more embarassing dating situations, well, I now hardly blink at speed dating now...I just find it exhausting & RSVP is time consuming. I fantasize about someone parachuting into my life and getting entangled in the trees outside my bedroom. Then I think about drag-queen Paul's Dad who was caught in a parachute and couldn't have kids, so I scrap that idea. (the answer to this puzzle is Paul is adopted)

I think one day I'll wake up and be in a relationship & it'll feel like it always existed.

Pluto is to blame for my lack of relationships. I just listened to Jessica Adams' podcast on Pluto the planet of Control & Power. Apparantely it's been in my relationship sector (7th house) since 1995, and it's about to move to the house of finance and business. It completely mucked up my relationship house, like some over staying backpacker, preventing any other interesting guests staying. It's been a party pooper. So I had to be strong, get rid of this unwanted guest by exposing it, like some vampire to light, by blogging my relationship life & going on tv & doing ridiculous things like speed dating.

The pluto monster is now headed for my 8th House (of business & commerce). Best to vacate this house to the pluto beast. that's a good excuse to stop working!