some changes

I'm sitting here typing sideways. I have a puppy asleep on my lap. After a week of decision making and a few months of other decisions, I have my very own dog. She's 20 weeks old & a 'spoodle' yes, that a cross between a spaniel and a poodle.

I've named her Calypso after a character in The Camomile Lawn by Mary Wesley. Calypso was beautiful but naughty. This Calypso is not naughty yet. All shoes have been put away & she's not showing any chewing tendencies yet...yet.

She's not my substitute child, she's just a dog & I'm trying to grow up and be responsible for something. Which is a big deal for me... all the freedoms I have, my work, my lack of other responsibilities (except the m-word - mortgage) means I didn't feel I was contributing or sharing with other people. Dogs make you share. You talk about them, take them for walks and then you pick up their poos. Grown up stuff!

Enough about the dog & I swear I this won't turn into a dog lovers site..it's still all about me (a great place to be)

A couple of things have happened.

When it rains it pours and all that. Saturday night 20 of us saw Sex and the City. We had champers before and after the film, then I pashed Mr Enthusiastic after the 5th bottle of bubbles & he came to mine for sleep-over...all clothes on & a good nights sleep.

yes I felt bad...why did I do that...because. He's fun to be around, makes me feel instantly happy & I don't worry about him (*ouch* sitting sideways & typing is hard!) the worry that you are responsible for their good times. I'm like that...I worry that people are not having a good time & must entertain.

The next morning he left early & walked home...although this is where I can genuinely worry as he has no sense of direction... He texted to say he has something to tell me and can we meet at 5pm the next day for a drink.

the old 'something to say' moment. I could agonise. I could be defensive. I could guess ?

He loves me, he doesn't, he doesn't want a relationship right now, sorry to lead you on, you're wonderful, but.., you deserve someone better...

all those thoughts.
He needed a few beers to tell me. The second part I can't say here...suffice to say it's a body issue thing, not permanent but just a personal thing. You respect I can't it say here.

he said....he does really like me.. wow. He could fall for me. okay.

This is where the long dating history starts to be useful. I've had this happen before. A very attentive bloke pleaded with me to love him. He's was such a puppy and I just gave in. Hard when it ended because I feel like I was talked in it.

If I fall for Mr Enthusiastic it will not by via convincing myself. And it's not going to happen straight away. It takes a while to rid yourself of thoughts of anyone else and any ongoing liaison I may have (with MysteryMan). But it may happen and I'll tell you why.

He's just so open, emotionally. He tells me his thoughts, not necessarily to agree with them, but to express himself, and he accepts that my answers are not exactly like his or align with his views..he just wants to know where I stand. He doesn't tease, or belittle, or argue back, he just shows his thinking and accepts your version, with a little backchat.

I shared my theory that 'dating' is not just about dinners and drinks, it's about walking the dog (yes!) buying groceries, making a meal together and trying to find the new Ikea store. Next weekend I am going to help him put his bed together. He's such a bachelor. The bed is in pieces while he sleeps on the floor.

So when I say I want to take this slowly, I do. I can & just hang out with him.

But a least he's trying and I respect that.

Now, off to walk Calypso.

Perfect almost date

The one I like, the traveller, had emailed me all day. It was Tuesday and he invited me to dinner at my favourite place, Bodega, a cool but atmospheric restaurant in Surry Hills. I got there 10 mins early, was greeted by the two lovely girls who run the place, who know my mother as she teaches her son.
"I'm on a date" I said, "Which is the best spot to sit ? "
"Here at the bar", said Sarah "I notice all the couples who sit here are happy. Now you'll need a drink, can I get you a Cava ? " (Spanish champagne) We did that conspiratorial giggle & I just looked forward to that moment when he'd walk in.

We had a lovely night, until.

He told me about a conversation he had with his ex-wife on Friday night, the night he got back. She wants to try some counselling. The divorce papers are ready to be signed but she wants to make sure. Fair enough.

He said " I just want to look at my kids and say, we both tried. That it wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do. I do know where it will probably go (the results of the counselling) but I'm doing it for the kids and because I just want to get on with her."

There's a coldness that comes over you when you here stuff like that. Your emotions are snap frozen. The air becomes colder & you feel the rotation of the world as your life is brought to a halt.

And yet I know he must do this. He must get on with her. He must sort out any emotional connections or emotional blackmail questions before he can give himself properly to someone.

So he drove me home. "I really enjoy your company, you're a fantastic, interesting person" he said. "maybe we can see a film? "
"of course" I said "we can be buddies"
he looked sad to hear that word. " I'd like to keep a conversation going" I said " You're an interesting person & I really enjoy your company".

We had had some great conversations over dinner, politics, religion....nothing light !
I'll let him call me.

So I slowly walked to my door. It felt like the most symbolic walk I've taken. The closer I got to my door, the more he felt even farther away than the real physical distance he was. His life dynamics were pulling him away from me, like some powerful wind.

There is no waiting in this situation. Life goes on. When he wants or can be back in my world I believe he will with no hesitation. It's best he gets this issue, this important problem sorted.

My new life

How's the view ? this is from the rooftop at work. I always like standing next to big blokes as I look small and petite. Notice the glass ? it was the day of the Xmas party & we were warming up with some afternoon beverages.

I could talk about the Xmas party, but I'd rather fill you in on the last few weeks. Thanks to K & SillyV for your promptings..I do appreciate your interest....and will try to make this worthwhile.

Work is both hard and amazing. I've really found an extraordinary company to work for & the people really make it. When I was paid on Friday I also thought, shit...better make them think I'm worth this...cos being paid is such a relief. No more watching the daily sales figures and doling out the small amounts of cash.

My brain is being reorganised every day. Sometimes I can't talk as the words won't come out...my brain is so absorbed in comprehension.

There are lots of lovely men at work but it feels more like a school group. We just have fun, be serious when needed and talk ideas and strategies. It's just nice to take the edge off the situation and just be me. It's a contented but stretched contented feeling because you're taken for your contributions and helpfulness, not your superiority or bossiness.

A group of us have found a mutual love of Duran Duran & have taken to quoting different lyrics. No wonder I like it so much.

This all leads to a new version of Cat's approach to Men. I'm not interested in pursuit, not interested in false starts or contrived flirtations. His interest has to be genuine in both interest and effort. I'm not here to satisfy his ego, nor mine. Would rather pack up early and go home (as if...I'm always the last ! ) so I talk to people and just enjoy myself....or dance like a maniac.

I feel relieved to take the need for effort from me. It's not something I always have to actively pursue...cos that gets tiring. I like my friends and my life too much to be absorbed by incomplete attractions.

Pre-emptive strikes

I had a lovely lunch with Lisa & Alison today. Lisa's just given birth to twins & Alison is pregnant with her second. We are the original 3 girl team from school & university. Over the years there's been many meals, bottles of wine & great conversations. Recently our monthly dinners have become essential to our sanity. There is a level of advice and comfort we've taken from each other ...and some of it is quite direct.

To tell them that my love life is still confusing is just tedious. Not because they aren't interested, but because we are all sick of it...it's a never-ending story. We all want a happy ending & it's taking longer than my mortgage commitments to eventuate.

They sense my frustration & although interested in my stories, because they are interesting after all, a theme is emerging. The men are all running away, not trying, making pre-emptive decisions about relationships before we've even had a chance to get past the nervous stage. I'm turning into a wreck. I question myself over every detail & quite honestly I'm tearing myself up over everything. Alison said I don't deserve to torture myself, as they know I'm not pushy or needy or anything...in fact I'm too nice & patient and friendly.

Quite literally I've been rejected for 10 years straight.... which is harsh on my self-esteem. Thank goodness for my little white pills (zoloft) keeping me from hitting rock bottom. As a naturally cheerful person, this is getting to me.

I don't want to sound depressed....just having a moment to take stock and just forget about boys for a while. The annoying thing is I can't even cry anymore, which I feel like doing.

(Stacey, does kickboxing really work for this type of frustration? )

Dear Reader, remember this blog is a good way to vent, so glad I have this outlet...my most reliable relationship this year.

White Unicorn

A White Unicorn is a mythical rare beast. In Sydney girl speak, it's that rare man who is ready and primed for a relationship. The timing button has been pressed , the issues dealt with and he's ready to be released for set-ups and parties.

When a White Unicorn comes to visit or is introduced to you, as has happened a few times recently, the crowd parts and you are left with The Unicorn to examine his Relationship Readiness. Not that you haven't been given a vast set of notes on his desires, tastes, a few quirks and googled him prior, by the keepers of The Unicorn (our common friends). He appears remarkably at ease with probing questions, speaks eagerly and longingly of his nieces or children of friends, tells stories of weekends spent in wineries or out sailing, then mentions a piece of furniture he's bought for his house, uninhabited by others, just him, he pointedly hints.

The night goes well, eye contact is consistent, events in the future are proffered for potential coupling. "Would be great to catch-up sometime" he says "Do you have a card? " And your mobile number is simultaneously clicked into his phone. Everyone holds their breath as this action occurs, is it success?

I think it's all a rouse. To get the monkeys off his back. To tease the friends and allow them some set-up satisfaction. He's really a serial unicorn. He loves this attention from friends, a mix of pomposity and sympathy as well as being introduced as the Guest Unicorn of Honour.

Somehow the man who is so-called ready is not. The hunt for a mate is his, not others. No-one likes a walled garden...he wants to be free to roam to find a mate for himself. The captive prey is not as desirable as one he has to chase.

Silliness

Silliness is important. You have to jump around, sing badly - but happily, clap out of time & feel exhausted from dancing at the end of the night. I did that twice on the weekend. The first night was expected. Skye, Amanda & I went to an 80's concert at the local workers club. As you can see from the image, they have bad carpet & cheap drinks. Three die-hards were determined to be up the front...thanks, but they're not us.

The line up was Uncanny X-men, The Models, Machinations, Shantoozies & Kids in the Kitchen. All local Australian bands who were 'big in the 80's'. The cost? $20. bargain.

Saturday night was a French film called "I Do'' with Marilyn and Mand. Highly recommended. Afterwards it was time to de-brief our week at the local pub. Bottles of champagne and chips were ordered and the pub was full of various spunks all alternating between watching the Rugby (Aust vs South Africa) and each other (this includes myself)

Mand had lent me 'The Game' by Neill Strauss, about the world of pick-up artists. It took two days to read & I fascinated by the method of picking up in bars. In summary you ask a group or person (who you want to talk to) an opinion question...to settle an argument & then go back to your friends. The idea is you started talking but didn't hang around. Inevitably they will want to talk more, find out the response, etc & then you are all talking.

Edith had arrived by now & in her refreshingly straightforward way, suggested the question to be whether a guy would be freaked out to find his girlfriend was bi-sexual. Interesting, suggestive and controversial.

We stopped one bloke as he walked past, excuse me, we said, we'd like a man's opinion on something...The question was asked (we tried not to burst with laughter) He pursed his lips, said something about how he's from the country & didn't know how to answer. His friends looked at him & started advancing on our table. We soon had all three of them talking to us.

Once the dynamics of the room shifted, it was like a kaleidoscope effect. Everyone started talking to each other. We felt empowered to talk to different groups, in fact people wanted it that way. I was talking to a divine guy from NY, Reid, he had such seductive eyes. Using the 'how old are you really' routine, I asked to see his drivers license. Luckily Edith was there to help me read it, my eyes were a bit wobbly by now. 1976? that made him 31, almost (a libran too)..if only he lived in Sydney, such a nice looking boy. The nine year age difference is still a touchy point with me, but I am learning to let that issue go. Just not interested in flings.

Suddenly closing time arrived & Edith luckily drove me home...I was a little too wound up doing so much social dynamics. It was 3am.

A successful weekend? I've learnt to pick-up, talk to boys, be demanding & still go home intact. There's another 40th this weekend...more games to play? MrBV will be there & TCPP. At one point our social dynamics will form into some kind of relationship; hopefully. I think I'm giving myself the best chance to meet someone, not be shy & not just talk to the chatty dags.

continuing on

It's only been a week since my birthday party. We've rebuilt the kitchen island (like the 6million dollar man) it's better and stronger than before. There is some cake left in the fridge (with a knife on the plate next to it) Four bottles of French Champagne are proudly displayed along with all the cards & pressies. Having the party at home has extended the sense of the night. I see my home thru the good times of friends.

The past weekend was a continuation of my determination not to be bothered by MrBV & his lack of initiative. He cancelled our meet at the Art Gallery due to work. Maybe I should rename MrBV - The PartyPasher ?

Saturday night was two parties. The first, a wig party, although only a hour in attendance, I so enjoyed trying to dress the curly pink wig borrowed from Louise...you just pile on the make-up & go crazy with accessories. Afterwards I kept the wig on for Thierry's housewarming..."Didnt' you say this was a wig party? " as I greeted him in the costume. Not sure what his mostly French friends thought when I pulled out the iPod, and started dancing with a plastic chair. .... some nights you just dont' care. I'm not harming anyone...not misbehaving...just making people do things they really want to..secretly.

I really think my anti-depressive drugs are making me a hyperactive exhibitionist. Not the flesh baring type but 'lets all have fun' type.

Speaking of the depression. It's been about 6 weeks now. The drugs have definately kicked in & a cushion is protecting me from thinking badly of myself. My other worries: starting with finances, need to be sorted. Tomorrow I meet with my lovely doctor & we are putting in Medicare forms to help off-set the costs of professional help.

oh, and the most interesting person to contact me from RSVP is a 23yr old physio. Everyone else is too slack to organise a coffee meet.

Charity night cont

you long for someone's company, their attention and desire. Why is it, when you have let go, they start contacting?

it was just after midnight when MrBV texts me asking where I was. I'd made a decision to go home. After 5 hours of drinking, on a Thurs night, it was time to leave. 'Should have said goodbye' I texted back.
'Yes you should have'
At this point. After having a 3 year crush on him. After enduring all the silly fantasies I'd harboured, I just couldnt' believe he was worried about where I was.
This was my reponse 'Tough Titties'
'That was harsh' he replied
Time to spell it out ..'I am a contradiciion. Just like you. You are interesting. But you are after one thing & I'm after another. So I left'
'Ok can't argue' he replied. Then another 'you're a good girl
'You are always my friend. That never seems to go away.'
'that's good'. he finished with.

I felt I'd been honest & decided to send him some 80's band info the next day. It was about the friendship now.

Lying in bed, by now, the phone buzzed again. It was 12:40am. Bloody hell, it was TASF! he loves long texts. trying to focus in the dark I had a suspicion of the contents. Yep, he was asking for it, a late night visit, all on his terms. 'but just understand it's not a permanent thing'

So not interested. I was sick of his rude demands. "darls, I have my period"
'don't be silly, sheets can be washed"
"If I'm so desirable, then wait. good night"

He's an ex-lawyer so he loves long text messages. There is not enough space, nor do I have the inclination to post all the crap he said. I was just amazed at the messages. Where were these boys? sitting in bars sending messages, it was almost 1am. Just sad really.

Early the next morning TASF texted again. 'cat, you get the common sense award, good to see you....sorry about high testostorone conduct, you can probably tell I'm still a bit out there... "

I am over both of them. Their behaviour, their texting, it's all too immature and so unfulfilling.

Still can have fun, as friends. They are both coming to my birthday party on June 16th. MrBV emailed the next day. 'count me in for your party'

life; always interesting

almost ready

Dating is a multi pronged game. And like most of life, there is too much choice in the methods.

I would love to do interviews, like a job. Have 40 CV'S and invite them into an interrogation room. have them strip to underwear and turn around, then mix a martini, turn on various household appliance without asking, say 'would you like a foot massage, darling' and mean it, send him to the bathroom and see if he leaves the toilet seat up before finally allowing me to reverse park while he says nothing.

Instead I am contemplating going back on RSVP. So I did a quick seach to see what's on the menu. A strangely familiar face starred back, it was The Coach. Funny reading someone you've dated. Would I have choosen him? probably not!

My profile and photos are all updated. Rather than rush the updates and go back on-line, I'll sit on it for a few days, in case I want to change anything. Also going to a big charity cocktail party on Thursday night...you never know. A room full of singles? like a room full of interviewees.

Urgency

"It's been fun hanging out with you, but to find the right way to say this, I haven't felt any URGENCY to keep going. You know it's not personal, you're a great person and all, but that' s the factor for me, and the only way to describe why I haven't called, is that reason."

I admired his interpretation of the great dilemma. How do you know when you are with the right person? what criteria do you use to discern the importance of the current date and time afterwards? How much effort to expend? Who are they to you? Friends, acquaintance or lover.

The Coach hasn't called and I'm realising it's not URGENT. The quote above was from another relationship, a few years ago, but The Coach or I could say that to each other now.

I meet eligible blokes all the time. Kind, interesting, good jobs, totallly ready for a relationship, but not with me, or me with them. Urgency is the starter motor

(also have that Foreigner song in my head ' urgent, urgent, emergency')

CUB's vs FUB's

C.U.B. - Cashed - Up - Bogans

Tradies and other manual workers, Small Business Owners with no University Qualifications. Early School leavers. Working Class, Blue Collar, Trade Union Supporters. League Fans, Ute Drivers, Holdens and Fords. Greyhound owners. Flannel shirt wearers, Up the sleeve with a pack of smokes. Howyagoing, luv.

F.U.B. - Frozen Urban Blokes

City Types, Professionals, Nice Manners, Suit Wearers, Good Schools, Rugby Union. Liberal Party, Huge Mortgages, European Cars - NorthShore Holden = BMW. Labradors and Cockaspoodels. Country Road and Ralph Lauren. Good straight teeth. "Sorry, must take that call". weekend workers.

'Should have married a plumber or builder' is the new cry from the professional working poor. Those who are moaning the cost of replicating their childhood lives of big homes, private schools and holidays in the sun. Marriage to a Lawyer, SuperSmart Accountant or Stockbroker does not augur well for financial freedom.

It's the tradesman as the desirable one. The on-demand renovation desire has created a new sub-species. Sucessful Bogans.

The 80's was the Lawyer, the Partner, the LA Law bespoke suit verbal warrior, as an ideal husband. The 90's was the Money Market Man. Mysterious Hedge Funds and whispers of massive bonuses. This decade is the Tradesman. The transformer of backyards, kitchens and creator of nifty space savers, particulary walk-in-wardrobes.

I've dated through all these decades. Barristers, Lawyers, Stockbrokers, Engineers, Money Market Traders, I.T experts. They freeze up on commitment. Ever so well mannered. Fork and knives in the right place. Suits all beautifully cut. Take them anywhere, but not up the aisle. Not as enlightened as you might think too.

Now is the time for the CUB. the tradesmans charm, the cash-only man, the small to medium business owner with energy, sucess and is on-demand vocationally. They are interested in Plasma TV's, boats, simple holiday cottages and have no sense of cutlery.

The Coach is more CUB than FUB. strangely have only seen him eat with chopsticks. Don't know when our next 'meeting' is. I asked him if we can stop talking about work more about personal stories next time. He smiled with that horribly appealing eye twinkle and said, "yes! and on a couch too."

astro note: he is capricorn x 4. sun, moon, merc, and venus.

randomness

I usually wake from broken sleep and scribble thoughts onto my notepad. If it's dark, I'll use my mobile phone light to scratch the ideas. My little moleskin notebook is then tossed into whatever handbag, dived for at cafe's and traffic lights to further the day's relationship question & answer.

I left my notebook in the seat pocket of the plane. They can't find it. It may take weeks of flying around the world before someone finds it deep in the pocket. Or maybe not.

Over the trip to FNQ, Liz and I discussed ideas and I had to quickly find another notebook to start over. Here are some of the conversations..(before I loose this one)

What fills you, as a single person, with dread? a wedding? christmas? company functions or holidays. It seems fun at first to be unemcumbered, to float around a room, flirt, drink & talk to whomever. Then the events start being too random in entertainment. It would be nice to know a guaranteed person to attend these with, someone to capture the thread of life's events.

What makes you angry? Jewellery was my answer. I once bought a Tiffany &Co necklace, a nice little Elsa Peretti piece, modern and daily appropriate. The hideous witch I worked with commented 'it would be so much nicer if a man had bought that for you'. With that one sneerful comment she embedded a life time of voice data to my new necklace. I had honestly never heard of such an idea. Only a man can buy you jewellery? what of the gifts from parents, relatives and the inherited items? isnt' love the imparting emotion of jewellery. I love my necklace & hope it turns into a cherished 'aunty cat's' necklace story.

Finally over Mai-Tai's by the pool, came the big discussion. Why are we still single? Am I dealing with prior-life karma? do I still need to be single for some reason ? are there any more bloody lessons to learn? I'm as ready as anybody can be. Just in case I continously purge my house/ office/ handbag & car boot of extraneous objects in case 'hoarding' is spoiling my relationship feng shui.

so it's to Miles Franklin, for a final word on what I'm looking for in a partner.

"...it would be one who could put his finger on some hidden spring in himself and in me and in grand fusion reveal the fullness of life."

astro note: miles franklin: sun & merc - libra. Moon, venus, uranus-virgo. Saturn - aries.

Avoiding superficiality

I'm falling into the superficial conversation trap. Why do I have such great discussions with my female friends, ranging from issues on The West Wing, diatribes on best bakeries to life, the universe and rabbits: when I talk to blokes it so banal. so boring. Its all so nice. When I try to deepen the conversation..their eyes glaze over..conversation comes to a grinding halt, like talking to a mule. So you try to stick to conversations they are excited about... sports, holiday plans and whatever is their current passion. I accepted long ago you are rarely asked questions about your life. More evolved men will ask, socialised ones will too. I think it's just polite to have a bit of to & fro with conversations.

back to superficial.

I saw The Coach last night for easy meal in Chinatown. We both picked better this time and really enjoyed the fragrant meals while the rain poured down outside. (does is rain everywhere in April?) he's really sweet, has lovely sparkly eyes (probably because he doens't drink) but all we talked about was work. Which is a valid part of any conversation, but not all of it.

So I'm trying to stop this pattern of being superficial in conversation. I want it to deepen without resorting to 'twenty questions' style or asking any 'where is this going' demands.

Starting with 'can I ask you something personal...?" as the entry to these ideas.

• In the last 5 yrs of your work what are you most proud of?
• What made your last relationship good, was it similar interests or such ?
• What qualities do you like in a woman ? that's she's similar or different in which ways?
• Where would you like to be in 5 yrs time both professionally and personally.
• Are you a dog or cat person?
• What's your favourite pizza toping?
• Tell me something naughty you did as a child.
• When you're cleaning the house, do you sometimes start singing 'whistle while you work' ?
• What should we name our first born ? (only kidding!)

I've learnt from the Catalyst show that doing something exciting, adrenaline producing, does bring you closer together. I find some conversations can be exciting in this way too. let's see if I have the guts to go deeper.

56 Days

Birthdays are huge to me no matter which age I am, I feel the clicking of time and life. I used to count the days from my brother and sister's birthday to mine, which was yesterday, it's 56 days. This year I'll be 40, so these 56 days are weighty.

Discussions are underway about the party. Being slightly wealth-challenged, I'll have it at home. Not easy in a 2 bed flat with my brother and his fiancee living there too. But I love the squashy party feel. The noise level of so many people conversing. Added to this, it will be the middle of winter (Im in the southern hemisphere, don't forget) and for Sydney this is about a 12deg night. So the theme is Russian Winter. Vintage Furs are required, Vodka shots and coal fires to be warmed by. My gorgeous friends are all offering to help decorate and prepare food/ cocktails.

Not being morbid, but situationally, I've been single on each of my important birthdays - 21st, 30th and now 40th. I'm not sure I want to start seeing someone before then, the pressure of an early relationship and then an important birthday is loaded. There is a strange dance of expectation on birthdays in the early stages. Firstly you have to tell them you have a significant birthday coming up, but emphasize there is no pressure. All your friends and family are celebrating and yet there is one eye on the new love interest. It's both a familiar and unfamiliar situation. Can he handle the attention just on you? can he be left alone amongst all your family, and what qu's will they ask ? Oh well, I've got 56 days to find out what will happen.

The Coach

The new name for MrUltra fit/ FitManly (it was getting too confusing) is The Coach. We went out last night for a quick meal. I found out he doesn't have a kitchen in his city apartment. Something to do with cheap rent and close to his work. Which means having a cheap easy meal is something he needs to do regulary.

He also doesnt' drink. So I skulled a vodka shot before I went out.

So bizarre. The other year I had 6 dry dates with the Marathon Runner, until we got plastered one night. We had to as it wasn't going anywhere while sober. But this is different. The Coach is used to being sober. Unlike me who starts to twitch and I get sleepy early on..the alcholic sugar keeps me awake. The Coach is naturally talkative and cheeky. We made a few jokes, walked around the area and it felt nice, not an enforced sobriety, brought by over indulgence, but an easy, dare I say, healthy feeling of enjoyment.

Without thinking to much about it, my downfall activity, he jumped down from a ledge while putting both hands on my shoulders, his body contact was powerful. He has a strength emanating from him, a radiating warmth. I was kind of shocked. Have I not felt someone's body contact for such a long time ? It struck a brain cell and wouldn't let go.

We bought some cakes after dinner. The benefit of not drinking is you can have dessert. He's not a scary fit person, he eats sweets and doesn't look annoyed at junk food.

So after dinner, I dropped him home. There we were sitting in my car, I was just laughing to myself at the similarity of my last billion dates where I drive them home and it gets down to the car for the pash. Keeping my foot on the brake, the car was bum out to the hilly street, while he pointed out his building etc, and he leaned in to say goodnight...the lips locked, the pash was short but nice. Just enough. Look forward to more.

Bad Date Karma Places

There are a number of pubs in Surry Hills, all re-fitted to modern inner city standards. Last night we chose The Dolphin, instead of the usual Clock or the White Horse which sits inbetween these two, all 200 metres apart.

While walking past the White Horse with its Italian metal horse sculpture on top, I was reminded of a fatal date I had there a few years ago. As I left the flat to go out, the current flat mate yelled out, "Oh, the White Horse, not a good place to meet a date, it won't work out." "why?" I asked, "They just never work out, It happened to me and a few others." The date was with MrBalconyView, our first, it didnt' work out & I was left to handle the after effects of that infatuation for another few years.

Last night, of the three pubs, the White Horse, was the emptiest. Not because it's a designer space or more expensive drinks, but I think it's a Bad Date Karma Place.

The Hollywood Hotel, a pre-war style pub, in the wrong part of Surry Hills is my pashing pub. You get good snogging karma there. The lighting is dim, the bands sometimes too loud or silly, so you end up snuggling up to your desired. Squash & Pash.

Do you have favourite places to take someone ? or do others consistently create the wrong vibe? don't leave the night to chance..! take heed the location vibes and choose well. Pash or Dash.

Profiling for a mate

When you list yourself on a dating site or attend relationship -finding events, you're generally asked what you are looking for. By being specific you think you'll get exactly what you ask for... tall, educated, well dressed, likes Duran Duran etc. Some profile questions you can be relaxed about..

Here's what I go through when selecting

• Age: 37- 43 (don't like them younger, dont' want them that much older)
• Height: at least 5ft 9in (I'm 5ft 6.5)
• Education: university level ( I have a bachelor and post graduate)
• Music: must like 80's
• Smoke: no
• Drinks: yes. (excessive drinking is no longer attractive !)
• Food: meat, yes. (no vegetarians)
• Body type: medium, fit, athletic (no fatties, no man boobs)
• Ethnicity: caucasian. (Been through the Italian/ French/ Argentanian stages.. not interested, not even English/ scottish/ irish guys. I like aussie blokes.)
• Star sign: virgo, libra, leo are best. dont like sag or cap & aqua' are weird. everything else is fine. cancer can be sulky.
• Dressing: hate sports sunglasses, those velcro-walking sandals, rugby jumpers except at the game. everything else can be changed.
• Relationships: would prefer a not married/no children background, but divorced is okay and so is' has kids but with the mother mostly' is okay. (I'm softening)
• Political: has views, but not too radical or too right.
• Religion: christian. (to be honest it's easier they are same, would prefer catholic, but any christian will do)
• Sport: must like exercising. If he's a swimmer, even better. Not a soccer, AFL or rugby league fan. More off the couch than on, for sporting interests.

this kind of self-selecting profiling is detrimental, because really I like blokes who are active, interesting, dynamic, well-mannered, nice looking/ well preserved, but not pretty, will try something, not afraid of different foods or cultures and can be taken anywhere & will get along with most people. doesnt' suffer fools and boring people.

and what I've just selected is not necessarily going to help me find what I've just described.

Right now, the bloke I dated the other night wouldn't fit that self-selection..he left school at 15, likes working class sports (soccer and league), is same height as me, is older than I think he is, is wrong star sign, but he's worldly, interesting, dynamic, adventurous, hard working, no kids, and many other things better suited to me, but not profile perfect. Scarily I wouldn't select him based on some criteria, such as education, yet he's top of his field and well respected.

lesson learnt: don't be too worried about self selecting.

finding the fit man

A few years ago I saw Elizabeth the psychic. Many things dont' make sense but she did mention stuff about TV & Films which is now true. I have focused on the few keys things she said about the next bloke, as you do.

The description was 'nice partner coming into life, caring, fit, kind. nice family. A boat, dogs, 2-3 children, you'll live near water - not in sydney, he'll have ppl in Noosa."

Since then, never in my life have I gone out with so many fit blokes. There's been marathon runners (he'd run to get the car the next day after big night out, a handy skill) , rowers, 6am gym maniacs, the surfing physiologist, a pentathete (the horses and archery kind) and now the fitest of them all, a motivational coach & fitness book writer, MrUltraFit, called for a catch-up.

All of them want to live near water, all want to buy boats... it's like a package, once they are fit, they want the other bits.

So the Ultimate Fit bloke, the one I kissed for a bottle of wine six months ago, emailed to catch-up. We meet in Chinatown for a quick meal, ended up talking until they cleaned up around us & stacked the chairs. And guess what? he just bought a boat, and is off up the coast to his dad's holiday house, you guessed it, by the water for the weekend.

Blog-versary

One year since I started this ! now I'm 130 posts down, the tv show has aired...but still no man.

In my obsessive astro way, I look for reasons why. I'm constantly looking at astrology sites to see what the stars are doing to my Gemini life. While I thrust myself into more embarassing dating situations, well, I now hardly blink at speed dating now...I just find it exhausting & RSVP is time consuming. I fantasize about someone parachuting into my life and getting entangled in the trees outside my bedroom. Then I think about drag-queen Paul's Dad who was caught in a parachute and couldn't have kids, so I scrap that idea. (the answer to this puzzle is Paul is adopted)

I think one day I'll wake up and be in a relationship & it'll feel like it always existed.

Pluto is to blame for my lack of relationships. I just listened to Jessica Adams' podcast on Pluto the planet of Control & Power. Apparantely it's been in my relationship sector (7th house) since 1995, and it's about to move to the house of finance and business. It completely mucked up my relationship house, like some over staying backpacker, preventing any other interesting guests staying. It's been a party pooper. So I had to be strong, get rid of this unwanted guest by exposing it, like some vampire to light, by blogging my relationship life & going on tv & doing ridiculous things like speed dating.

The pluto monster is now headed for my 8th House (of business & commerce). Best to vacate this house to the pluto beast. that's a good excuse to stop working!

freaky activites

I haven't really gone into the esoteric side of this bloke search. All the psychic stuff, the cards, mantras, wish boxes, crystals, feng shui....all the freaky deak stuff.

let me scare you a little..!

I saw two psychic's around the New Year. The first was Tarot, which cost $50, the second came to the holiday house, I think she was $80. This year is all good, with business and love all there...it felt good to hear positive stuff.

Each week I listen to radio programs, via the internet, on positive thinking, angel therapy & trusting your vibes on Hayhouse

I've watched 'The Secret' and 'What the Bleep' two DVD's on positive thoughts.

I've read Paulo Coelho (the alchemist & others), Erkhart Tolle 'The Power of Now' and regulary dip into Alain de Botton's 'The Consolations of Philosophy'

Then there's the astrology. Mystic Medusa is my favourite. I subscribe to her daily astro raves (a bargain at $2.50 a month). Her books 'Soul Mating' and 'Astro Guide' are invaluable for assessing a potential love interest.

Valentines Day I spent with Jessica Adams & the launch of her new book, Astrolove, and a talk on your Venus Sign (mine is in leo)

When in doubt (on a daily basis!) I consult on-line oracles, like Mystic's and Linda Hill's The Sabian Symbols. These witty or cryptic answers keep me amused and sane.

I have a wish box. Full of things that symbolise partnerships and love. It's covered in dust now.

The weekly flowers for the feng-shui love corner has been ditched due to disinterest.

Crystals bore me. I can't emote to a stone. It reminds me of the pet rock I used to have complete with stick-on buggle eyes.

I stopped meditating when the iPod was stolen.

What's left is this blog. My on-line friend. A little like a special invisible friend, who doesnt' talk back much, but allows me to rave on while sipping red wine in my nightie. good times.