crushes

I have a habit of developing crushes. Prehaps I like the exquisite torture of this activity as opposed to the solid real-time events of an actual relationship; as I get older & crushes are more common to me than relationships, so I suspect I prefer torture.

just a potted history of these debilatating crushes before I promulagate my anti-crush methods. of course, in the teenage years there was the boy on the bus, then the guy at the train station, then at uni umpteen guys who were gay after all, then the last two, great friends, very available, but not to me, aquarian males, both of which lasted over 2 years & both in my 30's. Crushes are clearly not ageist.

some people have a problem with married men, I have a problem with crushes. Fortunately or not with unmarried, single males...who are technically available, so I got some cred there.

One very simple way for breaking the crush is to actually talk to them. The squeaky tones of their dull voice is often a sure fire way of quenching the desire flames. Didnt' we all giggle with relief when hearing Beckman speak? oh, Posh can have him, we thought, no sexy phones call there...text messaging is his limit.

A second simple method is once you talk to them, just gently steer conversation into sexual preferences or those that indicate his more precisely...eg' going to the kylie minogue concert?" or 'had any waxing done recently?" here we learn whether to continue having a crush on a gay man, or potential gay, or man who leads gay life but is not gay (you'll spend your life defending his sexuality, a bit like Lisa Marie Presley & Micheal Jackson, we all wanted to know if the marriage was consumated)

Once you can converse without hyperventilating, have established lack of wife or live-in partner, you generally start to think of IT being possible. Us women do that, you like them, you get on, you are attracted....boom. it should turn into something. It gets worse when he is happy to email you, ask you home decorating questions, he starts confessing that he'd like a girlfriend (pick me!) & you start reciting lines from 'When Harry met Sally' in your mind, particulary how men and women can't really be friends, because sex gets in the way. You think, eventually he'll crack, he'll wake up one day & ta-da! he picks up on your heavy chemical scent & throws some pheremones your way.

This is where mine go hay-wire. When he emails you first thing in the morning, confessing his love of ... someone else. he's so happy to tell you & wants your female advice on maximising the experience. While vomiting into the coffee cup, you tap back your positive answer. Then become unavaialble.

the second type of hay-wire is a chemically loaded crush with a stop/start man. It's all there, conversation, attraction, flirting signals, small touches, maybe even a proper date, but then a big nothing. Life keeps putting you in his path, friends are encouraging, he seems encouraged, you try all your flirting skills, and yet nothing happens. He's the type of crush that walks in to a room walks straight to you, happy greetings are exchange & 20 mins later he is pashing someone else. That I don't understand !

okay, so I've developed some methods for assiting you in the throws of these heavy crushes... tune in tomorrow...would love to hear your ideas too! so please leave some comments on what you do..! !

singles party

it's just really vile, the things you have to do.

thursday night: a swish bar on the harbour, and everyone was 30+ and single. First relief - most people were way over 30. First nightmare - the 'question & answer' game we had to play in order to mingle was so sexually loaded, it was embarrassing.

Straight to the bar, downed a few G&T's . Got out the game cards & just went along with it. It was suddenly easy to move from one bloke to another, have a chat, ask a few questions & move around. I was with Di, who is a good talker. I ask the silly questions & she gets straight to the important ones, like where do you live & what do you do. It was mostly women moving & doing the game. The men stood around. not sure what that is.

Once you found your 'answer' card, you went in the draw for a dvd prize. After an hour, I couldn't find my answer, so I swapped cards. We were talking to two lovely guys from Manly (a beachside suburb) at the time & my new card matched one of them. He is super fit, super sucessful & another bloody capricorn. (the third this year!) Now you may think, I'm up to my old tricks, asking about star signs, but he asked me first, seriously! He actually asked if I could guess his star sign...now, my friends know this, but it's one of my party tricks. If I can guess your star sign, you get to kiss my friend....meanwhile, I get out the phone camera & take a picture! strangely they let me guess many times & everyone gets a pash, so it's a fun game. So Mr SuperFitManly asks me if can guess him. After 3 goes I did. He then recited the famous people born on his day (Jan 9th, elvis presley is one), whereas I have Donald Trump & Boy George (june 14th)

Capricorns are funny, they love to reel off their acheivements to you... how many books, businesses, overseas trips, deals, network moments.

We then dicussed astrologers, shamens etc, as you do. I said I've been asking the universe for a partner. I also wanted to win one of the DVDs of 'the break-up' so I laughed & said 'universe i want to win a dvd'. We then walked to the counter with our matching Q&A's. I told the girl I finally matched with someone after an hour, she gave me a strangely sympathetic look & just nodded to her side-kick as they passed me a dvd & said,' take this & don't tell anyone'. the universe was listening! am totally inspired to keep asking & maybe ask for a bit more than just a dvd.

next weird game bit. Anyone who booked via the internet recieved a SMS. 'hi cat, find your Y and kiss him at the match table to WIN a bottle of X&Y wine. First 3 couples to do the dare win!" I showed it to MrSuperFitManly & he said, let's do it. As a secretly competitive person, who is also a lush, I thought it an excellent idea. We rushed first to the table & (I can't believe this ) pashed for a bottle of wine, while they took photos. ... i must go and check their web site...dear me.

So I left with a dvd, bottle of wine, his business card & a desire to ask the universe for more things.

the spark

just got word, that Mr Sparkly is waiting to meet someone he sparks with... he didn't get it with me...and he's too busy right now as well..

wow...I know so many men...in the 39 - 44 age bracket who are 'still waiting' , waiting for the spark. But I do agree with them, I'm doing that too. Some of my wish list is not negotiable, there has to be passion & connection, without that there is no basis. It's not an overwhelming passion, but something you clearly feel without effort. I am negotiable on other aspects, amount of body fat, height & music taste, for example, and can even take on other political persuasions as well...but not far right/ christian...there are some limits!

Thursday is the singles party, Saturday is a great friends 40th... I am 'out-there' meeting & greeting... I am busy but not too busy, especially if the person is right.

ambush

a former flat mate, Chantal, has become my yenta: more a fairy-matchmaker. She sucessfully found a boyfriend via dinner speed dating & a year later she's on my war path, in a nice way.

last sunday was a BBQ at Bondi, hosted by a male friend of hers, who, she thinks, would be ideal for me. Two emails & two text messages of reminders from her to make me visit, but time constrictions stopped me. I had a dinner with the astrologer on the other side of the city, that night.

Chantal found his profile on RSVP and emailed to me, which I read & did like too (cultured, sporty, educated & same background) so decieded it would be a good thing to meet him. The plan was to have lunch at his health food cafe & see if we click, which we did today.

I have never felt nervous about something like that...walking into a cafe, having lunch & casually meeting the owner. I felt obvious & didnt' want to accidentally mentioned something which indicated I had read his profile on RSVP, you know the foot-in-mouth thing where you say something which means you know more than you are letting on?

it was also about getting my hopes up. my hopes are a bit sick of being used again like this.

So he sits down with us (yes, I had just shoved bunches of baby spinach in my face) & he was just cute. lovely sparkly eyes, smart, interesting, and he spent about 20 mins with us.. I started blabbing about the astro dinner, because that's why I couldn't make his BBQ, then realised I sounded like a loony....luckily he said lots of his staff are equally loony, if not more so...

Chantal was giving it a big push too. She mentioned how I live with my brother, my business, and ended with 'cat you should give him your business card".(just because! no other reason! ) When we all stood up, I tried to angle my body towards his (as SuperFlirt advises) with no defensive arm postures. But, you know when you like the look of someone straight away? it was like that. ...

MrSparkly he shall be called henceforth.

I'm such a gullible, fatalistic romantic...it will just kill me to start an obsession. I'll just write about it & hope that's enough.

something's changed

I went out with MrChatty the other night. I suddenly became all bossy & told him what to eat, when to re-fill my glass & just blabbed on, having my own good time. Basically I 've lost interest. I'm tired when I look at him, not enthused.

I've had enough of dating!

All this time trying to be polite and interesting showing my wily femine ways. I just want IT to be there. An interest, an attraction, a pulse!

the new justin timberlake song - 'sexyback' has got to me, I want the strong beat, not the soft melodies.

As my fav astrologer is saying, the times are very scorpionic, depth charging, deepness, lots of passion. (see mysticmedusa & astrobarry) for the remainder of the year, Mercury (planet of communication) and other planets are in Scorpio. A planet that doesn't shy away from emotions. Give me some of that.

Next thursday Di & I are taking a chance, we're going to a big singles party - Scary! then we can tick that off the to-do-list & make a story of it .

survey stat

from marie claire US.

2% of men want you to pay on a first date.

information is power, ladies!

MrChatty - update

when I'm asked about MrChatty, I just say he's making no effort. Since the attraction was precarious anyway, I've just crossed him off my list.

He called the other night & I missed the phone. No compucture to call back. I was elbow deep in cooking & cleaning. Much more fun!. he called a second time, again I missed it, by accident.

This is what has changed in me. I would normally call back. I'm nice, I call back, even if I don't like them. Rudeness is a sin I can't handle, so I act like I want to be treated. This time I didn't. partly because I was finding him boring. He just talked about his job offers & that's no fun.

The Third call that night I caught. He had just bought an apartment and wanted to tell me. Nice kicked in & I made congratulatory noises.

another week goes by, he calls to have lunch.

We had lunch, I was rude, well dissinterested.

Another 10 days goes by. He calls for drinks. I just had enough. I dont want to lead anyone on, but he seems to think he can talk about work & ask me out. Rather stay at home, thank you.

So I stopped being nice & decided to confront. I was honest with him. "I don't really see this as anything, the momentum has gone & you're not making an effort. Seeing you every 7 to 10 days is nothing, and even though I said I wanted to take things slow, I didn't mean lunch or coffee every fortnight" I calmly blurted.

He said I was right & that I had patience & he was so busy getting a job he was purposely not seeing me that often.

I responded "I dont have patience, it's just I would have happily dated someone else just you're lucky I havent' been asked out recently. I honestly thought after lunch, 10 days ago, you'd never call again. And I know you are looking for work & think money may be tight, but it's not money - it's effort & thought."

No attention, means no interest.

So tomorrow night we are gonig out for drinks/ dinner. I am looking forward to seeing him, as he's an interesting person, but I've changed. No longer 'patient' or dissinterested, I'll expect his effort & respond happily in return. Effort is rewarded with enthusiasm.

Vibes & Intuition

Being the psuedo-flake that I want to be, I've been following Sonia Choquette, an american intuitive psychic. She emphasis listening to your 'vibes' and trusting them. You access these vibes by watching your body's signals, following hunches & gut reactions. looking for inner wisdom & guidance.

So I've been meditating (often at 4am when i can't sleep) and seeing if I do know what to do about my feelings for MrBv.

He's a pendulum, my vibes said, like in a grandfather clock, moving back & forward. My feelings for him swing from positive to negative. I'm trapped in that movement. I respect this is my doing & Only I can change the cycle of this unsatisfying movement.

That night I dreamt of being in a game, similar to musical chairs, except just places were being shuffled around, not removed. There was a logic & reason to the pattern, but that answer belonged to the universe & everything would fall into place shortly & be fine.

so I deceided to stop worrying, let the universe take over & just accept it's a game.

Sending the email bomb was great. I have absolutely no regrets about that & it was a truthful email, done in my classic light-hearted way. his text response confirmed it was fine, but didn't evoke any immediate need to further discuss, share thoughts over a drink or two, for example. I just got the text message. no more.

80/ 20 rule

Mr BalconyView's business card has moved a few times. From the freezer to my wish box, to my plastic box of business cards at work. I think it will stay there now.

A few weeks ago MrBv was sick & he actually wrote more than 3 sentences in an email...using his blackberry from his harbourview bedroom.

Mr Chatty was being boring & not making any effort to do anything, so I was feeling peeved. I felt there was no attraction & was taking the mental steps of pushing him to the back of my mind's extistence.

I just let rip to MrBV. A 3 para diatribe about wanting to find someone but didn't know how. I was sick of being a cheerleader and considered becoming demanding and flaky. Prehaps being nice is good for charity but not for love & satisfying relationships, I wrote.

I've noticed an increasing need for D&M style conversations; superficialilty is passe. Intensity is building. No longer afraid of depth charging questions to others. MrBalconyView (the crush is back on) emailed 'how are you?" I replied with my frustrations about finding love - a response to his question back in march (how do you know when you've meet the one?) then, knowing I had created an 'email bomb' I decieded to leave him alone (aquarians hate to be ignored) 7 days later I get a sweet text 'thinking of you & how are you'. my blast was accepted !

it's the 80/20 rule....80% of your efforts may be in vain, but there is a 20% chance it will work....this logic applies to any mad endeavours.

I am looking forward to the remainder of the year. Bring on the intensity, the crazy dreams & the love

overdue update

I've been on a quest. To find If I need to do this Blog. it takes 30 - 50 minutes a day writing, editing & re-organising.

Blogs are passe already (to the early adopters) & I've only just discovered them. Yet, it's a new version of an old habit as I've kept a diary for years. It's also sporadic, so nothing new there! but still it exists.

this is where the on-line diary differs.

I see my decisions change on a daily/ weekly basis & know if I'm fickle, mean, silly, or wise: or human.

sometimes the immediate events are solid & justifiable, rational. whereas after a friday night at home, watching oprah's 20th anniversary DVD, a box of tissues & half a bottle of red wine later, I'm either sad or angry or or completely okay about my life.

I fluctuate & I'm exposing that mostly to myself, but to any of you lot
who choose to read this & comment....with fantastic responses too! (thank you!)

50% is it enough?

a great friend commented on this blog, she said "Its been a while since I read your blog… Had to laugh – you talk about Mr Chatty being incorrect starsign, age, body shape… then a few blogs below comes the fengshui with the wrong coloured flowers story! And the comment that maybe 50% is ok – as long as it’s the right 50% I guess?"

it's a pass/fail situation. I do need more than 50% to be interested. This is where I get all confused. I'm trying not to 'jump the shark' too much...make decisions about someone before I really know them. Yes, age & maturity have taught me something, but experience tells, to know someone deeply is to spend time & not rush.

One great fear is to settle on someone, only for your true heart's desire to come along later & you are trapped in a half-relationship. Some friends are really disciplined at waiting for the right one. No half-baked dates, no maybe's, no he might be's, just it's there or it isn't. That may take years to happen, years of no dates, no dilema's, no mistakes! just one perfect meeting & boom! the one is the one.

I like my mistakes, my practices, my attempts. I really feel I've tried everything on the smorgasbord, even the stuff I don't like. It makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere and have some stories to tell as I progress on this road-trip of love. The longest road trip of my life!

Back to settling. In that great novel, P&P, Elizabeth's friend Charlotte Lucas settles for the dim-wit cousin, Mr Collins. She is getting-on (27) , knows his faults, but can see he's marriageble & can take care of her. Will I get the D'arcy or the Mr Collins? I fear the Mr Collins approach, and as I start to speed towards 40, will mistakenly take care & comfort over deep understanding & love.

Think I'll revist the vase, see what colours I need & what type of vase to use. I want to improve my odds.

the freezer is working

A while ago I put my former crush's (mr BalconyView) business card in the freezer. He had a strange hold over me & I couldn't shake the attachement I felt. There's a little part of me that gets obsessed, irrationally so. All it takes is a small amount of attention from him & I am overwhelmed. It's really dangerous to be like that: an out of control crush. You just torture yourself & no-one else can replace him in your mind.

Last night was the Countdown concert. MrBalconyView came in our group of 6. MrChatty, my current dating sucess, is away & would have come. Time to test the attraction. Could I think rationally? You know I want to be his friend, because he is fun & when I first saw him approach, I thought 'yep, there is nothing there but his friendship & that's worthwhile'. The relief was there, I could enjoy his company, his silly remarks, look at him & not go any further.

As Psuedo Echo started playing 'Funkytown' I called MrChatty. It was the song we both danced and laughed to on our first date at Souths Juniors Club. I knew who I wanted to be with, Mr Chatty.

at home with mr chatty

it's really dull to post about dates that go well. Mr Chatty is fun, affectionate & has a super laugh. I am taking it real slow with him & that's taking the panic out of it all.

He's gone home to Perth for a few days (that's another repetition, boys from Perth, WA) so I invited him over for dinner last night. This is huge for me, to cook dinner & make a fuss, but I did it for a reason.

Last week I had dinner with Liz's mum, an old-fashioned-cooked-everything-from-stratch-shoeless-cooking mum. In between all her stories about when Liz was young, she said the best way to entice a man was to show him your homemaking skills. Cooking , looking after guests, old fashioned hospitality talents. As we sat there agog at the quiches, fresh cooked vegetables & other home made treats we all pined for fridges full of food, kitchens surrounded by friends all being well fed & I kinda thought, yes, she's right. It's what's missing. The martha-stewart/ nigella lawson touch (without the cameras)

so I cooked. I had pate & humous to start, a meat & two veg meal with salad. We lay on the couches (I dont' have a dining table...a now crucial homemakers missing element) and we slowly unwound, talked about the plight of aborigines, sydney real estate & 80's music. He helped tidy up too.

i'm on a mission to get married, so I'll have dates in my kitchen. maybe this is the way?

catalyst tv show airing

the episode is now scheduled for next year, according to one of the hosts.

just want it over & done with!

Date No4 Mr Chatty

Wednesday this week was date no.4. Originally he was going to cook. Another big tick, I can only cook 6 things so cooking skills are high on my desirable list...and I dont' mean just on the BBQ, a great aussie male tradition, I mean highly evolved skills involving a few co-ordinated pots and pans.

Mr Chatty was late from work & we'd eat out instead. His favourite restuarant, Phamish (in darlinghurst) is packed. I was concerned about fainting from hunger while we waited, but no, Mr Chatty is such a regular, one phone call & a so-called no-reservations restaurant will hold a table for him. My interest in him increases!

As you, my reader know, I've been going on many dates this year. I can talk all night, gather vitual information on religion, politics & private schooling vs public. Some things you don't see for ages....like their interest in dogs, babies & decorating a home.

Sitting next to our express service table was a couple with a very young baby & outside was a herd of dogs, with their take-away-waiting owners. Firstly he points out the dogs and discusses his favourite breeds, then starts a conversation with the baby's parents, sympathises with the crying child & how hard it must be. My head rolled from side to side as I followed this converstaion. A man who talks to babies.

I know it's me...being able to say what I want in life, but the openess with which Mr Chatty discusses homes, dogs, children, business, music is just so refreshing. He is so from the 'wrong age group/ starsign/ body shape' that I would normally select on a dating website. (he is 7 years younger) In fact almost everyone who 'fits' my 'desired profile' is totally boring! life ! always showing me it knows better!

email goodbyes

I took my lap-top (the heaviest in the world) away to Cairns. It was a good distraction but was painful to be on dial-up.

I recieved an email from TheRussianScotsman....here's the intro...

"I wanted to say ‘Hi’ and to apologise for not being in touch. I guess been a wee bit ungentlemanly by not calling so I hope you’ll forgive me for that. I had thought we got on really well at the start but .. .. .. .. well .. .. .. .."

Can you guess? without saying it , he was saying it was over. Quelle relief on my part. So I emailed back

"Yes we did get on well to start with, but like you, maybe the vibe is a bit more friends than anything else? so no need to apologise. You're great company though & would like to stay in touch.

the hammock is calling, talk to you soon."

never heard from him since. Emails can be a good way of saying goodbye.

PeachBlossom Love Magic

Mystic Medusa told me about this FengShui love flower trick. She said to google it & get free advice, but I ended up paying $USD6 for an eBook on the topic. Once I hear about something superstitious like this I have to do it !

So basically, you put a bunch of flowers in the right place in your house, either lounge or bedroom. simple, but this is where I get anxious & have to do it right. You have to have the right direction, according to your chinese sign, either N, E, S or West. Then place in right coloured vase & the right material vase with right coloured flowers and right number of flowers. And change the water every day. bugger that

The nicest cheapest flowers were $4 (cos I'm broke) , so bought them (wrong colour), put them in the best vase for their size & height (still wrong colour & material) and put them the right position& direction. Maybe 50% is okay?

anyway, Date with MrChatty no3 is tomorrow.

MrChatty Date #2

He was away & I was away, so finally last Friday we meet for dinner. He offered to pick me up....I was ready to jump in and say' oh, no don't worry, I'll meet you there.." but I realise I like being picked up. You dont' have to occupy yourself while waiting...checking phones, reading the menu,...it actually starts when he arrives & you're ready.

He choose a new tapas style restaurant & we sat, drank & laughed. I could list some of the topics we talked about, but it was the usual stuff, family, past relationships, work cv, etc, but it's the other things that happened that made me laugh.

In the SuperFlirt book, it says to look for clusters of flirtatious physical signs. Playing with the tie, hands on hips with fingers pointing to the zipper, flared nostrils...but the one sign that I thought was odd & not very flirtatious to witness is 'pulling up & playing with socks' , it's a long way down to the sock area for one & what brain biology is a man using when socks are suggestive ? But there he was, tugging and pulling his socks right at me, all night.

I like this one. He's a good egg. He's coming to the INXS concert too. We have the same daggy taste, ELO, Fleetwood Mac & other 70's bands, plus he loves Duran Duran..! my favourites.

Another reason why I like him... am super broke at the moment, so was worried about paying etc. I love it when the card comes out & everything is taken care of.... the way to my heart is both via my stomach, my liver & my wallet

The 4th Room

Holidays are the worst for being single. I've been away on my own before & not scared of sitting in a restaurant by myself. Going away for work is not a concern, but having a holiday doesn't exist. Most of my single friends hardly take holidays....there is no-one to go with & you dont' take them just to be alone. We get enough of that. I am adventurous & will organise beach house holidays...but the inflatable bed on my last holiday summed up everything.

Recently went to Cairns, FNQ , specifically Clifton Beach for Mum's significant birthday. Along came my sister, her husband & the 10month old; then my brother & his girlfriend, plus Mum & Dad. The four bedroom house was selected via friends & we all jet-stared to Cairns. On arrival, Mum gave me a big hug & showed me the '4th room', my bedroom for the holiday. It was empty bar a desk & chair. It was also next to the TV room & the 'water feature' sculpture was outside the window. yes, the crucial element, a bed was missing. Upstairs everyone had lovely rooms with ensuites & plush beds.

Went to K-mart (such a great place to start a holiday) & bought a blow-up bed. Later at home, the pump didnt' work. First night was spent on the couch. Second night I couldnt' find the switch to the water feature, went out at 3am to find it & set off all the outside lights. Went back to bed & tried not to hear the water pump noise, now more dominant over the trickling soothing water noises.

Apart from the '4th bed' there were feeling of being the 'third wheel'. If I wanted to go anywhere, I had to join up with my brother or sister; sit in the back seat & see the sites.

By the last day I was so tired. The inflatable was not pumped enough, the water feature was now off ( i read the owner's instructions to find the switch) & I woke every morning to the sound to someone watching tv or banging plates in the kitchen. The last day was hammock duty & I slept in the peaceful house while everyone took cars & babies to sight-see. I had my holiday, once I got rid of everyone.

away

I've been away from home for the last two weekends so everything is on hold. no current dates, no contact. I've thought about MrChatty, who I meet the other Friday. He is super easy to get on with, is 32 & a Capricorn, and his real name is either David or Chris, which is why I have to give them nicknames as all recent dates have either of these names.

My interest goes as far as looking forward to catching up again, which is a good start. Trying not to become too obsessed or thinking too much or plan too much. This is my downfall as I dont' see past my own vision of where the relationship should go & judge if he's suitable & good-for-me first....real obvious stuff. I am playing the voice of my mediatation teacher (also a Chris)...just to 'let it go, dont' try & relax'.... 'not trying' is the worst. The slightly competitive-must-do-something-to-keep-it-moving part of me is too dominant. Chasing is the part I need to let them do. It's their job. Primative but true.