facebook

Apologies for not posting, even though heaps has happened, I've been obsessed by Facebook. For those who don't know this site...be warned! it's addictive. I've found so many friends, old boyfriends and just people in general. You can lurk around and play with games, applications, see what everyone is up to. As a web tool it's had an incredible impact on many people I know so the whole experience is not in isolation... for some reason we have all taken to this site in a swarm & that's precisely what makes it interesting.. that so many people you know are there.

Okay... you know when it rains it pours? well it's a virtual flood, a damn bursting wall of dating activity. Facebook has something to do with that too. I poked an old flame, TypeA -Super Fit.
A 'poke' is a facebook term for saying 'hello'. Cheeky but cute. The poke turned into a few texts, then phone calls at 10pm on Friday night. I madly cleaned up the house, lit candles and then put on sexy underwear including the black lace-trimed stay up stockings.

Why was I inviting him over again ? I needed it. And that man makes me do things. He enlivens me & we have fun. His muscular body is also slightly appealing.

The next night I meet an old friend in the pub...lots of discussions about relationships while watching the Bledisloe cup (australia lost :-( ) .

Meanwhile on Facebook I attracted someone & we are in email contact.. it's seems harmless? !

Then on Sunday I walked and lunched with a guy from RSVP. He is incredibly sweet & funny & is English of Indian origin. Not on my radar..but he's so easy to talk too. Five hours went very quickly & nice to do day-time non-drinking stuff.

Meanwhile on Ebay, my auction of some shoes was attracting attention. On advice I modelled the high-heeled shoes, as had had too many emails asking what they look like on.. An email question came through...'nice legs, sexy even'.

By Sunday night I was EXHAUSTED. 3 men in 3 days, one on facebook & email contacts. Plus text messages flying all around.

Normally I would panic. I would feel guilty having to split my interest & think it was my decision to make, or I should tell them I am seeing other men, albeit socially. But each of these guys is appealing to me in different ways. I can't make a decision. So this time I am just going to keep going...see what happens.

My multi-tasking skills are being exercised in a situations I didnt' expect. Havent' had time to read HP 7 too!

Follow through

That was the topic of the party. As I'm the expert of dating (even though I'm single) conversations are now centered on such issues. It's about being purposeful, especially at a party and seeing if there are any opportunities for flirting. There always are ..you just have to remember to do so & forget all your business niceties...don't shake hands, instead do the air kiss...be playful, dress well, look your best, smile & be interested in people...avoid heavy conversations & especially people who want to tell you long intense stories of broken dreams.

We all tend to rely on skills we are good at, and maybe too good at avoiding what we are unhappy with. Pete's 40th on Saturday was a perfect example. Pete is recently single. The last time we all met he bored everyone with a misery guts story of breaking up. Like me he was probably having issues with turning 40. Marilyn & I prepared by drinking the Moet (my present from MR BV) before arriving.

Pete was smiling. He was the great host, the proud 40 yr old, surrounded by family and friends, slapping backs and greeting us with true delight. I love seeing people's parents too. His mum's silver grey hair was in an elegant chignon, the dad was like a cute professor who chuckled as he spoke. I'm one of those sucky people who talks to the parents.

There's the moment when you look around & see people you never expected. Being a Sydney person my prior lives with other boyfriends or work comes back to me at such events. The connections were discovered as we asked the 'how do you know Pete ' question.

Mr Bv's friends, TCPP & The Englishman were both there. These two are lovely boys. I've never seen them with a girlfriend, but they always turn up to events, behave well, send thank you emails & generally fill the 'single-boy-quota' at parties. It was The Englishman's turn to ask me more flirting stories. The emphasis was on the follow through. He's a tall blonde English man. Beautifully dressed in a pin-stripe suit & soft purple shirt, he looked really smart. Not my cup of chai but he's been sniffing around some friends with no results. He has the best manners, but never initiates anything physical. He turns up for long chats & organises get-togethers. In short he doesnt' even get to the pash stage. As Marilyn says not even any 'hanky-panky-pants-on' fun.

The EnglishMan & I sat in the corner, out of the freezing wind. It was time for the talk. Like any of us, we've been hurt.." Why", I said, "are you still affected after 5 years? stop being so sensitive and stiff." My bossy self was coming through.
"After a while I can't see the relationship being the one, so I stop"
"Not even a kiss?"
"No" he replied.

"You can't know how a relationship is always going to play out" I explained " I've been so sure sometimes & three weeks later, he's a nut-job ..othertimes someone will grow on you & it's better than you predicted"

"The problem now is, TEM. You've shut off your physical side. You're stiff and lost interest in playfully touching someone." Very conveniently TCPP came by. "TCPP here loves a good playful clutch" I said recalling TCPP's boob & bottom grabbing at my party. I put my arm around TCPP & gave him a squeeze.

"TEM, near the end of a night, my friends are often lying on the couch, having fun conversations, giving hugs and being affectionate, in a friendly way. We all need the touch, it keeps you alive. So put you arm around me, we're friends and keep talking."

We all know how nice it is to sit back, be comfortable with friends and just talk? I'm on a campaign to have more of it.

Looking over at the Bar was MrBV. He was at it again. Hocking into some girl. He'd only been there a few hours, as he'd come from a wedding. He's like a kissing street performer.

TEM and I just shook our heads. "he's at it again, he can't help himself" he said.

By now it was almost 3am & his lift home was leaving. I gave TEM a last hug & said, 'Try this again, with someone else...don't be afraid of being affectionate..it's nice isn't it?"

I'm such a good love coach, as I walked home, perfectly alone.

He texted 'thanks' the next day.

Femininity

Finally shedding any sense of being a tomboy, being a 'mate' to my male friends & dressing in a neutral way, in flat shoes, trousers & being covered up. The androgynous fashions of the early 90's had us going to gyms to be muscular, wearing man-style suits & general baggy clothes. Wearing a dress was unusual, unless it was a classic LBD, which was worn with black stockings and tailored jackets. I look at all my work photos of this time & I look so boring, so corporate and I loved wearing navy & brown.

Perhaps it was an insecurity to look older & responsible. I lost my femininity, my love of clothes and dressing. With the re-interest in second hand clothes tantalisingly re-badged as 'vintage' I rediscovered my love of the unique, the finding and seeking of dresses and accessories. Yesterday I wore my favourite jumper, found for $5 at Bondi Markets. It's black and yellow and features a giraffe. Worn with straight jeans and ankle boots, I felt more myself & my creativity than I have for a while.

I really want to look like a woman. Heels, salon hair, make-up, french perfume & the other night I wore those lace rimmed stay-up stockings. Gosh it was easy to use the bathroom too! no hitching and re-adjusting ! Perhaps the resurgence of Burlesque and lacy flirty femininity is better for us. A bit of body fat, curves and white skin is easier for me to achieve than spray-tanning my whitey skin, using some device to a bad exercise video & wanting to exercise all the curves away. I'm even showing some cleavage..my final exposure barrier.

This weekend is Pete's 40th, and I really want to look alluringly feminine, classy, seductive but with a Katherine Hepburn/ Lauren Bacall edge. Using the 1940's style to be in my 40's? looking forward to it.

Silliness

Silliness is important. You have to jump around, sing badly - but happily, clap out of time & feel exhausted from dancing at the end of the night. I did that twice on the weekend. The first night was expected. Skye, Amanda & I went to an 80's concert at the local workers club. As you can see from the image, they have bad carpet & cheap drinks. Three die-hards were determined to be up the front...thanks, but they're not us.

The line up was Uncanny X-men, The Models, Machinations, Shantoozies & Kids in the Kitchen. All local Australian bands who were 'big in the 80's'. The cost? $20. bargain.

Saturday night was a French film called "I Do'' with Marilyn and Mand. Highly recommended. Afterwards it was time to de-brief our week at the local pub. Bottles of champagne and chips were ordered and the pub was full of various spunks all alternating between watching the Rugby (Aust vs South Africa) and each other (this includes myself)

Mand had lent me 'The Game' by Neill Strauss, about the world of pick-up artists. It took two days to read & I fascinated by the method of picking up in bars. In summary you ask a group or person (who you want to talk to) an opinion question...to settle an argument & then go back to your friends. The idea is you started talking but didn't hang around. Inevitably they will want to talk more, find out the response, etc & then you are all talking.

Edith had arrived by now & in her refreshingly straightforward way, suggested the question to be whether a guy would be freaked out to find his girlfriend was bi-sexual. Interesting, suggestive and controversial.

We stopped one bloke as he walked past, excuse me, we said, we'd like a man's opinion on something...The question was asked (we tried not to burst with laughter) He pursed his lips, said something about how he's from the country & didn't know how to answer. His friends looked at him & started advancing on our table. We soon had all three of them talking to us.

Once the dynamics of the room shifted, it was like a kaleidoscope effect. Everyone started talking to each other. We felt empowered to talk to different groups, in fact people wanted it that way. I was talking to a divine guy from NY, Reid, he had such seductive eyes. Using the 'how old are you really' routine, I asked to see his drivers license. Luckily Edith was there to help me read it, my eyes were a bit wobbly by now. 1976? that made him 31, almost (a libran too)..if only he lived in Sydney, such a nice looking boy. The nine year age difference is still a touchy point with me, but I am learning to let that issue go. Just not interested in flings.

Suddenly closing time arrived & Edith luckily drove me home...I was a little too wound up doing so much social dynamics. It was 3am.

A successful weekend? I've learnt to pick-up, talk to boys, be demanding & still go home intact. There's another 40th this weekend...more games to play? MrBV will be there & TCPP. At one point our social dynamics will form into some kind of relationship; hopefully. I think I'm giving myself the best chance to meet someone, not be shy & not just talk to the chatty dags.

romance

No, I haven't bounced back that quickly, but have made a small significant discovery. Must have read somewhere about a film called 'Notebook'. That it's a lovely romantic story. As it happened I got an offer from Bigpond Movies (my service provider) with a 6 week free DVD trial. You just order them on-line and they arrive in the post.

The first 4 to arrive included Notebook and a Katherine Hepburn. Sunday was a cold winter's day & before I knew it, had a cup of tea, my ugg boots on & a blanket. I have an enormous sense of guilt watching films at home during the day. I should be outdoors in the fresh air, getting pink cheeks and enjoying the winter sunshine.! bugger that. I need something else. The previous night I saw the Paris Opera Ballet, one of the great ballet companies of the world. I was mesmerized watching the physical yet elegant movements of their bodies. My brain switched gears & my limbs reacted in rubbery approval. Culture does tame the beastly mind.

(note: we ran across to the pub after the performance to watch the Wallabies win against the All Blacks! high and low culture is good for you)

With the ballet as mental champagne, I needed to extend that feeling & watch a romance film.

Notebook soothed me & revived me. Too much of the West Wing's political grown-up dramas, CSI's forensic analysis & reality manipulations on TV have blocked my hope: the genuiness of the Notebook story was like a huge bubble bath for my mind & body.

Do I believe in romance again? I am ready to think so. That's my breakthrough.

control

Who is ever in control of that battle - the heart vs their head ? love makes you go spastic. Desire thwarts sense. They say women are peacemakers, anti-war & should be in charge of armies. We have the inner war going on all the time. The battle over desire, justification, common sense, self-esteem and happiness. Constantly plotting and analysing what the hell I should say, do, act...does HE LIKE ME OR NOT issues.!

My heart enjoyed kissing MrBV. The gentle affection and perfect fit made my heart sing. My head, experienced in his fey charm, knew it was a glitch in his romantic patterns.

So I did what my ego demanded. What therapists say you should do. My heart wanted to be free of the anger...so I did something not unfamiliar to an overwrought teenager in hormonal torture. I wrote him a letter.

Enjoying the sound of the keyboard as I pulled out the words. Watched them take a stand, highlight the events of our meetings and show how I was justified in feeling something for him, but asking for a final comment. 'this is how I have to deal with it' I wrote to him. 'Stay single, MRbv, and I'll go away'.

The beauty of my thoughts on that glowing page. Here was a summary of the back and forward of my emotions with him. I wanted him to know I found it hard to keep dismissing my desire for him. That I had done well up until the night of the party, the night of our first pash. Because, unfortunately it felt bloody good.

I wrote the letter in the morning. The words came together via the night's sleep. By the afternoon, and a bottle of bubbles with Liz later I decided to send it to him. I always think you can deal with that stuff later in the day.

Sending the letter as an attachment, I wrote.
subject line: ????
"instructions: print the attachment. read, then toss. burn or delete.. whatever you think fit.
yours. cat "
time: 5: 13 pm

The reply came back at 5:38pm

"All I can say is I think you are a wonderful girl, I never meant to hurt you and I would never intentionally do it. I am sorry that I have. I did not mean to lead you on.
The night of your birthday I didn't plan what happened, it just happened and I enjoyed being with you. I want you to be happy"

my reply
"thanks. just needed to know something. cheers, cat"

and finally from him
"Just one more thing, I don't give out bottles of Moet to everyone, I just say things like that because I get embarrassed giving presents."

(he said to me 'I give this to everyone' when he presented me with Moet... I now realised I was being dumb & should have teased him on that.... I was playing too sensitive)

Sending the letter did work. I emptied myself of him. Not quite ready for anyone else yet...but I'm closer to being ready for someone.e

continuing on

It's only been a week since my birthday party. We've rebuilt the kitchen island (like the 6million dollar man) it's better and stronger than before. There is some cake left in the fridge (with a knife on the plate next to it) Four bottles of French Champagne are proudly displayed along with all the cards & pressies. Having the party at home has extended the sense of the night. I see my home thru the good times of friends.

The past weekend was a continuation of my determination not to be bothered by MrBV & his lack of initiative. He cancelled our meet at the Art Gallery due to work. Maybe I should rename MrBV - The PartyPasher ?

Saturday night was two parties. The first, a wig party, although only a hour in attendance, I so enjoyed trying to dress the curly pink wig borrowed from Louise...you just pile on the make-up & go crazy with accessories. Afterwards I kept the wig on for Thierry's housewarming..."Didnt' you say this was a wig party? " as I greeted him in the costume. Not sure what his mostly French friends thought when I pulled out the iPod, and started dancing with a plastic chair. .... some nights you just dont' care. I'm not harming anyone...not misbehaving...just making people do things they really want to..secretly.

I really think my anti-depressive drugs are making me a hyperactive exhibitionist. Not the flesh baring type but 'lets all have fun' type.

Speaking of the depression. It's been about 6 weeks now. The drugs have definately kicked in & a cushion is protecting me from thinking badly of myself. My other worries: starting with finances, need to be sorted. Tomorrow I meet with my lovely doctor & we are putting in Medicare forms to help off-set the costs of professional help.

oh, and the most interesting person to contact me from RSVP is a 23yr old physio. Everyone else is too slack to organise a coffee meet.

And the walls came crumbling down...

I won't say how I know & it's only because my friends really love me & don'' want me to be hurt, but MrBV is over for me. He's been doing a lot of flirting and kissing of other girls in his obsession network. Others like me who are happy with some attention & have all recently experienced a more physical moment with him.

I was fine to start with...you know when you take such news calmly and gradually over the day you get angrier and angrier? As more evidence came to light, the slow glow of my experience suddenly lit like an airport at night & reality landed.

Everyone from the party has emailed or phoned their thanks, offered to pay for the damaged kitchen too, all except one person. The Monday email from me has gone unanswered. I re-read his card, it says' thanks for being my friend' , as he gave me the Moet he said' I give this to everyone' . He likes me, but he did say 'I like being single' on Sunday morning.

I want someone who wants to be with me, love me, so I can let all this love out that I have. To be 'loved and adored' is what I desire & so do all of you (my dear 5 readers!) and we all deserve it too.

Goodbye MrBV.

40th cont.

As the party warmed up, so did the need to be silly. The turntable was commandered by a member of the Bolshoi Ballet, with a fondness for 80's pop rock..'Kids in America' anyone?

The kitchen island was cleared and the table dancing began...which quickly turned into stage diving. Gosh I love to see my friends have a good time.

We each climbed up & did routines, longways, sideways, upways & through ways. It's amazing how many things you can do on a kitchen bench! A pause in the music and although no-one was on the bench it gave a sudden creak and fell over, plates and drawers rattling to a stop as it crashed into the cuboards. 'That's bloody Ikea for you' yelled Mathew appropriately.

The boys quickly righted it & typically in over-imbidded situations, the music went back on & we continued to party. Laughing as we re-told the story to those who missed it.

Don't know how it quickly became 3am. With 7 people left, everyone had a sudden thought to leave. They filed out - Penny, Thierry, Hunty, Amanda, Phil, Nicole and MrBV was last. He hesistated at the door, I stalled him with a 'what's the time question' Nicole turned to say some thing, saw a moment happening and quickly scurried off. I looked at him & thought 'Here goes'. The air kiss goodnight turned into a pash, a really good pash. The kind where he touches my neck, my hair; the kiss is soft and perfect. The cold 3am winds were blasting us at the open door. We closed it and walked to the middle of the empty room, with candles softening the room, the remainder of the Barry White album played as we continued the pash.

'Let's go into the room' I said. We calmly blew candles, turned off lights & walked into my room. Crawling onto the bed, we continued talking and it felt like the most normal thing in the world, that we were together and going to bed. 'I hope you'll get under this time' said MrBV, referring to 2.5 years ago when I slept on my bed in my dress, the first time we met. "Of course, I'll just get changed." Quickly grabbing my sexy nightie from the draw and removing the dag pyjamas from under the pillows, I went into the bathroom, removed only the eye and lip makeup & brushed my teeth. Emerging, he was in my bed, wearing his t-shirt.

I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, it was almost 4am & it was more about being affectionate, just having such a comfortable feeling & being with him. We kissed some more & I asked him why he called me a 'good girl' (from the text message) and he again said it that night. 'what do you mean by 'a good girl?' " I asked. Whatever he was going to say, I had to accept it...you just have to ask these things.. I held my breath. "You have such a generous heart, are always interested in people & are a wonderful person" We lay together just breathing close while he stroked my neck, jaw and shoulders. Such bliss.

We held each other until we needed to sleep. The morning was more affection & around 10am we woke, easily talked about life and stuff. I knew he would leave about now. I stood in my dressing gown (hair suitably touselled) and looked at him. Here's that bloody moment when he should say something..you know, like 'I'll call you'. I didn'' want to let that pass. 'I don't want to embarass myself by asking when I'll see you" I said quietly. "Oh, I'll see you again, maybe we'll see a movie?" he walked away with a long glance.

Walking slowly, carefully back to my room, I considered the night, the party, the damage, the fun & the unexpected 4am pash.

want to see the photos? click here for my facebook album. Can you spot MrBV giving me my present ?

40th Party

In one word it was 'unbelievable'

Starting with the weather, it's been raining here in Sydney for 2 weeks solid. My plan to have an outdoor element to the party was almost safe as we have an outdoor covered area. The day beforehand I bought an outdoor gas heater like they have in cafes.

My friends are scattered over my life, from school, uni, work, family & various friends popping back in & out. One thing is they all know about each other but I've never had them in one place together. I spent the week thinking of comments to connect people... this is Linda, everyone, she wrote the baby list! - And here's my oldest friend, Alison, we used to love men who ended up gay.. those sorts of introductions.

The theme also helped. It was a combination of Russian Winter, fur & hats. Strange how many people have fur in their wardrobes.

All that day friends dropped by to help prepare food (thanks Cass!) clean, arrange and place flowers (thanks Di!) and bring extra man help (thanks Suzy & Adrian!) The rule was to help during the day & leave me to peacefully get ready...none of this early arriving nonsense.

My dress was vintage. Black velvet with blue lurex threads. Shaped with an empire waist & short bell sleeves. Topped with a long vintage Mink coat, my Russian name became eKaterina.

As the guests started arriving we rubbed coats. A few men came in full fur - and I don'' mean on the chest ! . But it was Suzy & Adrian who stunned us all; arriving in all white, they were the Russian Bolshoi Ballet complete with Man Tights and strong blue eyeshadow. Soon after Hunty arrived in his White Man Tights, another stray from the Ballet.

My thing is 80's music. I spent way too much on records in my youth & what was once a waste is now super-cool. Records are a party thing, people can see and choose & select the next track. The hilarity of image records from Bon Jovi, Duran Duran 12" singles & long forgotten tracks where the words came effortlessly back got us all dancing soon.

The plan was to keep feeding people, keep the alcohol going. The outdoor BBQ was constantly fired up with new snacks - prawns, chicken skewers and Chinese dumplings. A trick I learnt from another party, to use the empty dishwasher (the drawer type) as an ice bucket. The delight as people pulled it open to see it stacked with Champagne... gosh I love indulgence at a party!

Time for the cake, Di made a caramel mud complete with shoe banners & sparklers. Nicole blasted 'Hungry like the Wolf' as the candles were lit. It was so special seeing everyone gather around and sing at the top of their lungs Duran Duran. I'm a dag and I love it.

Now the champagne was hitting a bit. Not too much, but the crowd was working out. My instincts told me TCPP (two chip packet phil) was interested in me. This was picked up by Linda & Craig (my best male buddy & his wife). Linda decided to be my love coach. 'You've got to loosen up' she said after yanking me into my room. 'Don't put your hair behind your ears...tousle it!...go out there and flirt!"

I'm the birthday girl! I need a pash! so I starting dancing with TCPP. I stroked his legs, draped myself over him & did back-to-back bum dancing.. then I ran away. Then I started all over again.

As the night progressed a few friends started whispering in my ears...'hey, I think MrBV still likes you!" indeed he arrived with a bottle of Moet for me, he was talking to everyone, but I just left him alone...jumping in every now and then to be updated.

to be continued...

Got there!

Sydney: 4pm, bucketing rain, 12 deg, winter is well on.
At home, glass of bubbles, plate of cheese & salami.
Ugg boots & cashmere hoodie.

it's my birthday. I'm finally here, quelle relief. Yes: I am relieved. The drama of the last few months is over it feels. Now I'm 40. The wait is over.

Taking the day off work to sit at home or do whatever I like. Spent most of the day on-line, talking to friends and not feeling guilty for doing pleasurable crap. Must learn to switch off guilt button more often.

I'm organising my party for Saturday night here at home. It will be cold so asking everyone to wear fur coats (which we all seem to have in our wardrobes) Hoping for a massive pile of fur as everyone warms up & tosses them in a heap.

I had an epiphany of sorts this morning, regarding 'my life'. Have been concerned about procreating, whether I can, should I, will I issues. As I have no partner/ husband or looming potential, the pressure to meet & make babies is less likely.

Five years ago I started my own business, working from home for the first few years I felt happier and less stressed. There was plenty of room for a partner & another life. It could have been a good set-up for fitting in marriage or motherhood, but that never happened. Over the last few months I've struggled with giving up this career for something else more stimulating (and better paid), plus accepting the life I have, plus wondering what to do & what can I do..only a few big questions.

This journey took me to the doctors. I'd spent weeks crying and feeling lethargic. I stopped exercising and lost all interest, except in episodes of The West Wing & drinking red wine. I needed be to challenged. My job was dull, the financial rewards few, creditors were calling & what I was , was depressed...officially. (the stolen handbag was the trigger, btw)

Tom Cruise may not approve, but Brooke Shields would. Taking anti-depressants has made all the difference. There's a cushion to my thoughts. The Darkness is not there. I can speak more openly about myself & to myself.

I told my mum first & she said the same thing...that I need a challenge, wasn't stimulated at work & what I was thinking was correct. It was time to move on & find another working life.

I've let go of so many ideas about my life in the last few weeks, so sorry for not posting, it's been a big month of thoughts. I've let go of my current work, and thought about how to wrap it up. Updated my CV, told some friends about the depression (happy to tell everyone, hence this post) and had a good conversation with a few friends about other work

So letting go of 'not being a mother' is not because I am selfish or deluded about motherhood, it's entirely circumstantial. I'm not having a child without a strong partner & I won't put pressure on an early partnership with a too soon pregnancy, just because, at 40, I should make it urgent.

I visited my lovely cousins last night, whose 4 yr old is my godson (who thinks he's a pirate). I loved being there, being a friend, an aunt, a godmother and playing walk-the-plank. Regardless of who has children, we love each others company & I love their kids. It all goes together. (wow think the champagne has kicked in!)

I feel unbelievably resolved. And ready to find what I need to find, as a 40 yr old & happy to be one.

rsvp so far

I've been on the site for the last week. I selected about 10 possibles and put them in favourites. None of these have contacted me so far.
What I am suprised at is the number of young guys contacting me, or even viewing my profile. The youngest is 23, a couple are 30... as I'm nearly 40, I find it amusing but I'm not looking for a toy-boy. Nor looking for fat balding men with 3 teenage kids.
will keep you updated!

testing the blink

has anyone read 'Blink'? it's about those first gut thoughts we have to a person or situation. Often you don't trust these & rationalise it away, yet, you ask sucessful people about certain decisions & they often respond 'I trust my gut' or 'I had a feeling about this one'.

It's truly about the gut too, the bulge in the stomach, the tastes rising up your mouth, the gurgles and noises it makes. Also trying to breathe deeply so it's not all knotted up.

I went to Suzy's housewarming last Saturday night and during the party, I tested my reaction to the surrounding men. I discovered I like a man well dressed. In a suit or jacket, clean cut or just well dressed. I react to a nice stripey shirt or velvet jacket & good jeans. Not too smooth, but in quality clothes and well styled. Interesting eyewear too.

Going to the business district and seeing all the suits is a turn-on.

I'm sure there's a deep psyhchological reason behind this, but I'm just reacting to what pleases me. A man in a good suit.
what's yours?

Charity night cont

you long for someone's company, their attention and desire. Why is it, when you have let go, they start contacting?

it was just after midnight when MrBV texts me asking where I was. I'd made a decision to go home. After 5 hours of drinking, on a Thurs night, it was time to leave. 'Should have said goodbye' I texted back.
'Yes you should have'
At this point. After having a 3 year crush on him. After enduring all the silly fantasies I'd harboured, I just couldnt' believe he was worried about where I was.
This was my reponse 'Tough Titties'
'That was harsh' he replied
Time to spell it out ..'I am a contradiciion. Just like you. You are interesting. But you are after one thing & I'm after another. So I left'
'Ok can't argue' he replied. Then another 'you're a good girl
'You are always my friend. That never seems to go away.'
'that's good'. he finished with.

I felt I'd been honest & decided to send him some 80's band info the next day. It was about the friendship now.

Lying in bed, by now, the phone buzzed again. It was 12:40am. Bloody hell, it was TASF! he loves long texts. trying to focus in the dark I had a suspicion of the contents. Yep, he was asking for it, a late night visit, all on his terms. 'but just understand it's not a permanent thing'

So not interested. I was sick of his rude demands. "darls, I have my period"
'don't be silly, sheets can be washed"
"If I'm so desirable, then wait. good night"

He's an ex-lawyer so he loves long text messages. There is not enough space, nor do I have the inclination to post all the crap he said. I was just amazed at the messages. Where were these boys? sitting in bars sending messages, it was almost 1am. Just sad really.

Early the next morning TASF texted again. 'cat, you get the common sense award, good to see you....sorry about high testostorone conduct, you can probably tell I'm still a bit out there... "

I am over both of them. Their behaviour, their texting, it's all too immature and so unfulfilling.

Still can have fun, as friends. They are both coming to my birthday party on June 16th. MrBV emailed the next day. 'count me in for your party'

life; always interesting

Charity Night

It was last Thursday night. Planned for a few weeks; it was a group of us, including TCPP & MrBV. The lure was a room full of Sydney's singles drinking for charity. I love getting dressed up & had my hair specially done. I felt just right. Not eager, Not desperate, just ready to enjoy my friends and see what can happen.

It was a high vibe room. Trays of drinks, everyone looking good, even clowns making those balloon animals. Standing back sipping champagne and scanning the room, ever so subtely, we girls decided to 'take a turn about the room' Our Jane Austen excuse for checking the scene, seeing who was there & figuring out where to stand to best take advantage.

MrBV had arrived, he air kissed me & held out his hand as I walked by. He was talking to two chicks in bad shiny dresses so I said hello & catch you later. The rule is you dont' talk to your targets too early on. You wait until they are loosened up and more able to focus just on you.

Several drinks later, the music was amped up. We had our spot & more friends arrived. Mr BV was in deep discussion with a girl I knew had a crush on him & she was giving him dirty looks. I smiled as I walked by and talked to people near him. More manoeveurs laters and he came to talk to me. I called him a 'shit'. I hadn't seen him since January (five months ago) and he didnt' call after the TV show, despite sending a text message saying he was looking forward to it. 'Everyone calls me that' he said. I wasn't really mad, just wanted to get it out. We launched into our usual fun conversations, 80's music, work & holidays.

In a room full of people juicing up everyone shift places and positions like crazed synchronized swimmers. Being slightly inebriated ; conversations change quickly from lack of concentration. I was getting pushed by the crowd and stepped back onto someone, turning to apologise, it was TypeA-SuperFit who I was addressing. "I thought I'd see you here" I said. "I thought I'd see you here' he replied back.

That's when my night compacted. There were really only 3 people in the room. Me, MrBV and TASF.

I wasn't confused. It wasn't about re-igniting old flames, or seeing if they still like me. I know there is a bond & we can laugh and can be friends, but it was figuring out the 'something'. The bit why they are both 'shits' why they like me but do nothing. Right there I had their attention and took my time to speak to both of them, seperately, in the context of happy drunken chit-chat.

TASF is still a post-divorce mess. A high-testostorone women-heat-seeking would-be giggolo. He is heaps of fun, but so determined to have his way. Whereas MrBV is a workaholic socialiser. Equally determined not to be in relationship as it's not part of his plan.

It's a timing thing again. You can meet the right person and it's the wrong time of your life. busy-ness is evil. Acquiring status and security is paramount. Corporate socialising takes care of your personal life.

With all my practice leaving events, on my own timing, I finished my drink, realised the room was starting to empty and with a quick backward glance waved and left.

It's not until you give directions to the taxi driver that drunkeness really starts to appear. As I stomped to the house, my phone buzzed. It was MrBV 'where are you?' 'just got home' I texted back.

to be continued....

almost ready

Dating is a multi pronged game. And like most of life, there is too much choice in the methods.

I would love to do interviews, like a job. Have 40 CV'S and invite them into an interrogation room. have them strip to underwear and turn around, then mix a martini, turn on various household appliance without asking, say 'would you like a foot massage, darling' and mean it, send him to the bathroom and see if he leaves the toilet seat up before finally allowing me to reverse park while he says nothing.

Instead I am contemplating going back on RSVP. So I did a quick seach to see what's on the menu. A strangely familiar face starred back, it was The Coach. Funny reading someone you've dated. Would I have choosen him? probably not!

My profile and photos are all updated. Rather than rush the updates and go back on-line, I'll sit on it for a few days, in case I want to change anything. Also going to a big charity cocktail party on Thursday night...you never know. A room full of singles? like a room full of interviewees.

more miles

"Our greatest heart-treasure is a knowledge that there is in creation an individual to whom our existence is necessary - some one who is part of our life as we are part of theirs, some one in whose life we feel assured our death would leave a gap for a day or two. And who can this be but a husband or wife? Our parents have other children and themselves, our brothers and sisters marry and have lives apart, so with our friends: but one's husband would be different."

'My Brilliant Career' Miles Franklin. 1901. aged 16.

Sometimes you have unformed thoughts and when reading your thought is expressed for you. This happened last night while finishing the above book. The character, Sybylla, doesn't marry the 'hero' and her explanations for that time are modern, to do with not being seen as a man's property, to have a separate existence, and not be tied to eternal child-rearing (in the days of 10+ kids)

Luckily the world is 100 years different, so I don't have to toss over the hero in order to have life. So not to have this heart-treasure of a husband, is, in the words of Bonnie Tyler 'It's a heart-ache, nothing but a heartache'


ah, I make myself laugh sometimes with this blog..

A breakthrough

It seems women organise everything. From pub nights, movies, dinners and at home parties. Rarely do we get emails from our bloke friends organising something & if we do it's so last minute, ie. 1pm on a sunday for drinks, that you feel like ripping out your hair.
Give me something to look forward too! don't call last minute! organise something you drip-heads!

For example, Phil is called TwoChipPacketPhil (TCPP) The last BBQ he organised, was all BYO, from food to alcohol, he had only 2 chip packets open on the table. I had a drunken word in his ear a few months ago about reciprocation, organising things and the dreaded unpersonal last minute group email.

The Secret, my friends, is not a DVD, its telling blokes how to behave. My long rant to TCPP, has gained clear results. Invites to cocktail parties, well in advance; Drinks at nice pubs with interesting people and actual phone calls, not emails. How nice. We all had the best conversations last time, from dating, flirting and how to tell if someone likes you (guess who was the expert? moi) . everyone joined in. It was the nicest Sunday afternoon for a long time.

These are all MrBV's friends. I havent' seen him since January. I'll see him in a few weeks at the charity cocktail party TCPP organised.

The other benefit? I would recommend TCPP and his good friends to single friends, as good eggs.

If I knew

If I knew when I would meet 'the love of my life' then I could relax. But every psychic has said 'he's just around the corner or in the next few months' so I get all hyped up, expectantly seek the connection with all new arrivals & watch as it all fades to nothing.

Just tell me when. Tell me the truth! I want to say. If it's not for another 5 years, then, sayonara to this rabbit hole & hello to a new cubby house in another world. Teach opening champagne bottles to 3rd world waiters ! run an illegal boarding house in Fiji! catch fish in Greenland !

I'd love to take a sabbatical from this dating fiasco. My entire life is geared to preening, watching, observing, trying and hoping it will be over soon (my single life, that is) I'm exhausted!!

I went to a party on the weekend, by circumstance I went by myself, thinking I have the social skills to get around and I thought I'd know enough people. It was a swamp of gay men and married people. I felt like yelling "who's single here? come and talk to me!!" The party represented one of those 'best opportunities' for meeting someone. ie. it was a private, friends' party so you can talk to anyone, you know they are from a certain background/ professional group and more likely to be of interest to you.

One thing I've learnt, cut your losses. So I left after the speeches, snuck out the door and with some sorrow, walked slowly back to the car, re-assuring myself I did everything I could, he just wasn't there. I do hate having to judge an event on the dating sucess rate, but that's my life.

Response to 'Spewing'

"The demons are shouting down the greater angels in my head"

Toby to Barlett. The West Wing. Season 1. Ep. 4.

I call that negative voice in my head 'The Knocker' it puts down or damages my sense of fun. Luckily I have Seasons 1 & 2 of The West Wing to bring me joy.