The proverbial woodwork

Where are they all coming from? These men from my past, all contacting me & saying hello?

First, Jamie the chef then Bob the Politician, then a random one in New Zealand.

Jamie found this blog (hello you) not sure how as he's in the UK, married and I knew him years before I started this. I really fell for him. He quoted Jeff Buckley, was a cute as hell, could cook like a demon and mesmerized me with his charm. As quickly as he took my heart, he twisted me up with emotional demands. I didn't give him enough praise, was called 'arrogant' by him & I never seemed to do enough for him. It was a very black moment when I realised it was over, that was a profound moment of losing trust in love and men.

Bob the Politician now has 4 children to 2 different wives and he's my age. Another charmer, extremely well versed on many topics and has an interesting life. But he's not the sort to travel in an entourage, he's a lone wolf who has great solo experiences. I get the feeling there are women in all ports for him.

Also forgetting there's another midnight caller in the mix. A random bonk from a month back. Another cute funny boy who dismissed me quickly for wanting to bonk him again. Another moment where my heart and hopes were crushed and dismissed. Only to get midnight calls from him. Which I didn't answer and ignored their existence the next time I saw him.

Even Mr Balcony View turned up the other night. I still have this stupid magnetic attraction for him, despite all the things I know, so it was a relief that he left. I'm happy for him to live in a cupboard, never to be seen again!

While watching some soppy love story on TV,where the main character wanted to know what a good marriage felt like, I just blanked. A marriage? can't even get a sustained relationship going. I am very cynical, I've come to acknowledge. Although hope doesn't disappear it is greatly tempered by the constant pattern of being dumped.

I don't get why they want to see me. Are they unhappy with what they have and are testing the waters for something they might have missed ? Are they pleased with themselves for being married/ loved up/ fathered ?

I have nothing to gain from these contacts. Nice to talk to interesting people, but to be very direct, it's all in my past & not interested in reminiscing about times that I don't' particularly relish the memory of. I choose not to dwell in the darkness of past. My hope, that which remains, is forward.

Slowly coming back

What a year 2008 was, with Mum's death and the business closing, I was happy to use the well-acknowledged escape into the world-of-wine to feel better. I'm only now feeling more stable, with a part-time job, a weekend cash job & less like I live in a washing machine.

After the business closed I was 'unemployed' for 2 months. Aside from 80c in my bank account, I was quite happy. I did no exercise, apart from walk the dog, and enjoyed 3pm wine-time, courtesy of my generous flat-mate and her endless wine cupboard. I did have a cash job on a Saturday, which allowed me to buy food. I'm so middle-class and would never get unemployment benefits or food vouchers.

I know my bad habits and lack of exercise are temporary. The buckets of shiraz every night, are wearing thin. It's now a habit and not particulary fun now. But you just know when you are ready to change. It might have been the sight of my gut hanging over my jeans, or that I'm not looking good in photos, that you slowly get the idea you are not that hot.

I have no plan, just a motivation to move more, drink less.. a small step.

I'll have boy updates for your next post.

Palm Reading

She was good. Straight forward with accurate times and dates.

It was the next period of my love life you always look forward to. When would I find love again?

"You'll have a strong, deep love around 60"

well, that's nice. what about the next 20 years ? Should I be happy I will live that long ? not that I doubt that. but, would be nice if we could bring that forward a bit more...

hello again

Life is like a washing machine.

Some people have recurring themes in their lives, the chorus we can't get out of our heads. Mine is to have short lived jobs, many of them, spend time at home, then pull myself up again and find another career. Next life I'm coming back as a life-time public servant, like a teacher, or a union official.

Feb 23rd we closed the shop. Gorn, over, finito. After 5 years. In the last week, when we could tell people, I had such wonderful reactions from people, how they only shopped with us, liked us being local. One long standing customer would pout and look upset in the last days as she passed us. And the dog is having withdrawl symptoms. She was a very good sales assistant, got lots of pats and had many visitors, including her own people.

I miss doing something I really liked, but I dont' miss the financial losses. We were working for nothing, almost. And really, that's not sensible.

Finally my brain, my mind is not thinking of the store. It took up a lot of room, all that thinking, and so many things went astray, from not organising my life or friends, to not even wanting to write. You don't know what's happening to you until it's all over. I do feel relieved, the proverbial weight lifted moment occured.

There is a good job lined up...another week and I can tell you. It's not fashion either.

Now for boys. Now at a strange but stable position of being in disbelief that a relationship with a man could ever seem real. why would I want a man? what use could he be ? I think men are lovely and my men friends (from relatives to friend's husbands) are delightful company... but I wouldn't want one hanging around being, well, being useless. I have no desire to put effort into a relationship.

Okay here are a few scenarios. A man with a good job, works hard. Weekends he catches up with his mates and plays sport. You never see him.

A man with more hours to spare. Likes computer games and watching TV series until late at night. He's entertaining himself, not you.

Finally, man with kids and ex wife, They all get along, but the kids are still young (under 10) and really, you know they are more important than you. You fit between the cracks of his life. No thanks.

I see a man via his job, his spare time, his ex's and his commitments before anything else. yes, I am prejudging, but no use trying unless there is something to try for.

so, blog, you are here for me whenever I need you.

2009

Suddenly it' s another year & I'm back to update this forgotten blog. Sorry blog, I did need some time away.

Five days after my last post in September, Mum died. The pain and upset is tempered greatly by her peaceful death, and all the love we gave each other during that time. Being so prepared helped. We refused all sorts of add-ons from the Funeral Directors, like bad flowers and overpriced condolence books to make our own choices. We felt so much better doing it 'Suzy's way' as we described mum's way of being quietly stylish.

I won't go on about that time. Suffice to say I am altered in my vision of life. It's that bloody gift of experience you get when a parent dies. I miss her greatly, but also understand what we got in return like the rediscovered simpleness of family, love, the pleasure of my silly dog, my lovely, lovely friends and how supportive they are.

We all immersed ourselves in work after Mum died. For three months we'd concentrated on her and ignored our businesses and lives. For us as retailers we had three months until Christmas, our biggest part of the year. Sales were all over the place. One week high, the next low...it was crazy, stressful..but the end goal was Dec 31st, only then would we know if we were successful and despite the Global credit crunch, spending for Xmas didn't go away, it was just delayed until Kevin (our PM) gave away 10 Billion for people to spend ..."Spend for Australia" was our motto too.

Drinking and smoking is still a constant. I'm trying...but that glass of wine after work is too tempting.

On New Year's Day I took a few days off to spend away from Sydney. Killcare one night & Avoca Beach the next. Just three days away & felt so relaxed...I think the more you don't need a holiday the more you do... I was hesitating, thinking I could just stay at home. So glad I went. There is nothing like swimming at sunset on Jan 1st in flat glassy water.

All through out Mum's illness and later, Mr Enthusiastic was there. We even got to calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was definitely in a sheltering at home mood, not a hermit, but I couldn't take crowds or random events. My social needs were fairly specific. Generally I'm up for anything..but I found a strong lack of interest in the spontaneous or casual gatherings.

It was only last Sunday that we called if off... for one very good reason. There was no sex. I just couldn't go there & he never initiated. I was feeling off after Mum died, but truthfully, I didn't have a strong desire for him physically..it was all mental and comforting. I did need that type of relationship for a while but not forever. We are human after all.

I am relieved that it's over, both 2008 and Mr Enthusiastic. It was shortly after I put the phone down from the break-up call that I decided on my New Year's Resolution. Last year it was 'get into the water quicker'...I'm such a hesitator at the beach, but stay in for hours. Now I get in faster and it is better.

So this year it's 'Dress Up, make the most of yourself' I feel life is an event and I like to express myself in clothes. The night of the resolution I saw Grace Jones, live at the Enmore Theatre. I wore a vintage 80's Italian Jumpsuit, with beaded self belt. I loved wearing it, I loved the reaction from people, it was like 'Shit she's wearing a jumpsuit, but hey, it's not bad'. I like to challenge people via clothing, I've decided.

If you are a real-life friend, you can see my jumpsuit pic on facebook. Photographed against a graffiti wall near the Enmore.

Who here believes 2009 is going to be good? At least I know how to help make it better. Dressing up, finding a good love and taking the dog for a walk.

Almost time

The radiation didn't work on Mum, she's one of the few for whom it doesn't work. She's near the end, not sure when the end is, but it is happening. When I spend time with her I have to take a long walk and think of things to do. We've watched enough day-time telly & it gets depressing. The news loops of cable are also mind numbing.

I've read things to her, looked at photos and made comments, played classical music, massaged her feet, joked and stroked her hair, held her hand and just lay there. She can't walk, too weak, and is lying in bed. Today I'm going to read her my short stories. Those that I wrote in Saturday classes in June. Some are about her, memories of holidays etc. She wasn't purposely in the stories, but the ones she is mentioned I will read to her.

I don't feel very reflective now, just being active, seeing friends, not thinking sad thoughts of Mum's imminent death, so this blog is feeling strained.

My alcohol intake is constant. I could drink three glasses of wine a day, have a few cigarettes and fall asleep in that numb way. As summer is nearing and sunrise is earlier, Calypso demands I get up earlier and do longer walks...so there is an opposite health response too.

I've seen Mr Enthusiastic every week, sometime more, I've drunk lots with him & dumped my worries on him too. We went to a play on Iraq last week. The first hour was a monologue, interesting, but at half time we discovered the play was 3 hours long. I made the executive decision to take off & we found a pub to finish the night at. It's these things which make spending time with him great.

I can't write much more, It's just not there...but I did need to give this small update.

declaration

Friday afternoon & I'm off for the weekend. Just a bunch of friends, some who surf, some with kids, but I have my 'plus one'..! my dog! Can't wait to take her for big walks along the beach and through the bush. She's also doubles as an excellent hot water bottle.

It's still a little cold here..about 18 deg in the day...almost the end of winter.

Last night Mr Enthusiastic came by & declared his interest in me. He'd like to spend more time with me & really likes me. We have had a few good nights out..nothing happens & being vague I had put him in the friend basket, a friend I've drunkenly pashed but not that interested in any more. The physical thing is just not there.

Yes, I will give-it-a-go, try him on for size, etc. Maybe, just maybe he'll grow on me... It would be good if I could magically be passionately interested in him.

Other things are going on in my life. I've been spending half my time with Mum. She needs a carer or someone there to help her do everything. The radiation treatment really exhausted her. She sleeps almost 18hours, has to be helped to walk & has almost lost her hair.

Two days ago she let out a yell. We'd switched the pay TV to Fox news... Mum loves US politics and the Democrats convention had just started. She came alive watching the almost 24hour coverage. The day Hilliary spoke she didn't have an afternoon sleep. It was lovely to see her more alert, more physically able.

How does all this affect me...lots of lovely people are asking me & being very considerate... I'm just in action mode... I am enjoying my time with Mum. She's a funny woman & very kind to all of us...it's such a strange but rewarding situation, but it's because her essence is still very much there..her facial squints of disapproval, her soft smile & her cryptic way of expressing herself. As her hair matted and fell out, she said it 'was like China' huh? I said, thinking of cups of tea, porcelain, delicate or something to do with China and tea... ' Birds nest' was the answer. Her hair was like the Birds Nest, the Olympic stadium in Beijing, China.

Substance abuse is also my coping mechanism. I have to have a few glasses of wine every night. And a few cigarettes. And walk my dog....so glad to get that yapping, chewing dog