asking the colour rose

I'd never heard of Aura-Soma, a colour therapy system based on choosing bottles of colour. It was one of those Sunday afternoon things to do, walk around the local markets, stroll around a different suburb and happen upon a new store with pretty coloured bottles & a offer to colour consult you for $25. "why not" is the answer....

The Colour Rose is the shop name in the Sydney suburb of Balmain. It's all white with pretty coloured bottles all displayed. You pick 4 bottles & the consultant reads your purpose and energy via the colours chosen. I know even writing this it sounds bizarre, yet sometimes it takes a odd concept to untap hidden meanings and desires. Look at ink spots!

The consultant was a warm 47 yr old, I liked her straight forward manner & it turned out to be a good conversation about colours and their influences. We all know 4 yr old girls love pink, then 60 yr olds love purple & goths love black. So I love cornflower blue, girly pink & a good shot of hot red. These were all interpreted to mean certain emotions and attitudes. The blue is my signature colour & it transforms me when I wear it. My favourite cashmere hoodie, that cost me a small fortune 4 years ago, is this colour & I wear it to death.

The red bottle I choose represented the energy I have for life at the moment.

What really emerged was my desire for love. It's my biggest hurdle & greatest desire to bond with someone. The hurdles come from within me. I have a tendency to be over-critical about myself. I'm really hard on my perceived errors.

I'm going to take some time out from all the dating confusion. I need more physical energy & with the weather getting more delightful, it's almost a relief to stop thinking about men for a while & just start looking after me for a while & to love myself a bit more too.

romance

No, I haven't bounced back that quickly, but have made a small significant discovery. Must have read somewhere about a film called 'Notebook'. That it's a lovely romantic story. As it happened I got an offer from Bigpond Movies (my service provider) with a 6 week free DVD trial. You just order them on-line and they arrive in the post.

The first 4 to arrive included Notebook and a Katherine Hepburn. Sunday was a cold winter's day & before I knew it, had a cup of tea, my ugg boots on & a blanket. I have an enormous sense of guilt watching films at home during the day. I should be outdoors in the fresh air, getting pink cheeks and enjoying the winter sunshine.! bugger that. I need something else. The previous night I saw the Paris Opera Ballet, one of the great ballet companies of the world. I was mesmerized watching the physical yet elegant movements of their bodies. My brain switched gears & my limbs reacted in rubbery approval. Culture does tame the beastly mind.

(note: we ran across to the pub after the performance to watch the Wallabies win against the All Blacks! high and low culture is good for you)

With the ballet as mental champagne, I needed to extend that feeling & watch a romance film.

Notebook soothed me & revived me. Too much of the West Wing's political grown-up dramas, CSI's forensic analysis & reality manipulations on TV have blocked my hope: the genuiness of the Notebook story was like a huge bubble bath for my mind & body.

Do I believe in romance again? I am ready to think so. That's my breakthrough.

control

Who is ever in control of that battle - the heart vs their head ? love makes you go spastic. Desire thwarts sense. They say women are peacemakers, anti-war & should be in charge of armies. We have the inner war going on all the time. The battle over desire, justification, common sense, self-esteem and happiness. Constantly plotting and analysing what the hell I should say, do, act...does HE LIKE ME OR NOT issues.!

My heart enjoyed kissing MrBV. The gentle affection and perfect fit made my heart sing. My head, experienced in his fey charm, knew it was a glitch in his romantic patterns.

So I did what my ego demanded. What therapists say you should do. My heart wanted to be free of the anger...so I did something not unfamiliar to an overwrought teenager in hormonal torture. I wrote him a letter.

Enjoying the sound of the keyboard as I pulled out the words. Watched them take a stand, highlight the events of our meetings and show how I was justified in feeling something for him, but asking for a final comment. 'this is how I have to deal with it' I wrote to him. 'Stay single, MRbv, and I'll go away'.

The beauty of my thoughts on that glowing page. Here was a summary of the back and forward of my emotions with him. I wanted him to know I found it hard to keep dismissing my desire for him. That I had done well up until the night of the party, the night of our first pash. Because, unfortunately it felt bloody good.

I wrote the letter in the morning. The words came together via the night's sleep. By the afternoon, and a bottle of bubbles with Liz later I decided to send it to him. I always think you can deal with that stuff later in the day.

Sending the letter as an attachment, I wrote.
subject line: ????
"instructions: print the attachment. read, then toss. burn or delete.. whatever you think fit.
yours. cat "
time: 5: 13 pm

The reply came back at 5:38pm

"All I can say is I think you are a wonderful girl, I never meant to hurt you and I would never intentionally do it. I am sorry that I have. I did not mean to lead you on.
The night of your birthday I didn't plan what happened, it just happened and I enjoyed being with you. I want you to be happy"

my reply
"thanks. just needed to know something. cheers, cat"

and finally from him
"Just one more thing, I don't give out bottles of Moet to everyone, I just say things like that because I get embarrassed giving presents."

(he said to me 'I give this to everyone' when he presented me with Moet... I now realised I was being dumb & should have teased him on that.... I was playing too sensitive)

Sending the letter did work. I emptied myself of him. Not quite ready for anyone else yet...but I'm closer to being ready for someone.e

And the walls came crumbling down...

I won't say how I know & it's only because my friends really love me & don'' want me to be hurt, but MrBV is over for me. He's been doing a lot of flirting and kissing of other girls in his obsession network. Others like me who are happy with some attention & have all recently experienced a more physical moment with him.

I was fine to start with...you know when you take such news calmly and gradually over the day you get angrier and angrier? As more evidence came to light, the slow glow of my experience suddenly lit like an airport at night & reality landed.

Everyone from the party has emailed or phoned their thanks, offered to pay for the damaged kitchen too, all except one person. The Monday email from me has gone unanswered. I re-read his card, it says' thanks for being my friend' , as he gave me the Moet he said' I give this to everyone' . He likes me, but he did say 'I like being single' on Sunday morning.

I want someone who wants to be with me, love me, so I can let all this love out that I have. To be 'loved and adored' is what I desire & so do all of you (my dear 5 readers!) and we all deserve it too.

Goodbye MrBV.

Got there!

Sydney: 4pm, bucketing rain, 12 deg, winter is well on.
At home, glass of bubbles, plate of cheese & salami.
Ugg boots & cashmere hoodie.

it's my birthday. I'm finally here, quelle relief. Yes: I am relieved. The drama of the last few months is over it feels. Now I'm 40. The wait is over.

Taking the day off work to sit at home or do whatever I like. Spent most of the day on-line, talking to friends and not feeling guilty for doing pleasurable crap. Must learn to switch off guilt button more often.

I'm organising my party for Saturday night here at home. It will be cold so asking everyone to wear fur coats (which we all seem to have in our wardrobes) Hoping for a massive pile of fur as everyone warms up & tosses them in a heap.

I had an epiphany of sorts this morning, regarding 'my life'. Have been concerned about procreating, whether I can, should I, will I issues. As I have no partner/ husband or looming potential, the pressure to meet & make babies is less likely.

Five years ago I started my own business, working from home for the first few years I felt happier and less stressed. There was plenty of room for a partner & another life. It could have been a good set-up for fitting in marriage or motherhood, but that never happened. Over the last few months I've struggled with giving up this career for something else more stimulating (and better paid), plus accepting the life I have, plus wondering what to do & what can I do..only a few big questions.

This journey took me to the doctors. I'd spent weeks crying and feeling lethargic. I stopped exercising and lost all interest, except in episodes of The West Wing & drinking red wine. I needed be to challenged. My job was dull, the financial rewards few, creditors were calling & what I was , was depressed...officially. (the stolen handbag was the trigger, btw)

Tom Cruise may not approve, but Brooke Shields would. Taking anti-depressants has made all the difference. There's a cushion to my thoughts. The Darkness is not there. I can speak more openly about myself & to myself.

I told my mum first & she said the same thing...that I need a challenge, wasn't stimulated at work & what I was thinking was correct. It was time to move on & find another working life.

I've let go of so many ideas about my life in the last few weeks, so sorry for not posting, it's been a big month of thoughts. I've let go of my current work, and thought about how to wrap it up. Updated my CV, told some friends about the depression (happy to tell everyone, hence this post) and had a good conversation with a few friends about other work

So letting go of 'not being a mother' is not because I am selfish or deluded about motherhood, it's entirely circumstantial. I'm not having a child without a strong partner & I won't put pressure on an early partnership with a too soon pregnancy, just because, at 40, I should make it urgent.

I visited my lovely cousins last night, whose 4 yr old is my godson (who thinks he's a pirate). I loved being there, being a friend, an aunt, a godmother and playing walk-the-plank. Regardless of who has children, we love each others company & I love their kids. It all goes together. (wow think the champagne has kicked in!)

I feel unbelievably resolved. And ready to find what I need to find, as a 40 yr old & happy to be one.

If I knew

If I knew when I would meet 'the love of my life' then I could relax. But every psychic has said 'he's just around the corner or in the next few months' so I get all hyped up, expectantly seek the connection with all new arrivals & watch as it all fades to nothing.

Just tell me when. Tell me the truth! I want to say. If it's not for another 5 years, then, sayonara to this rabbit hole & hello to a new cubby house in another world. Teach opening champagne bottles to 3rd world waiters ! run an illegal boarding house in Fiji! catch fish in Greenland !

I'd love to take a sabbatical from this dating fiasco. My entire life is geared to preening, watching, observing, trying and hoping it will be over soon (my single life, that is) I'm exhausted!!

I went to a party on the weekend, by circumstance I went by myself, thinking I have the social skills to get around and I thought I'd know enough people. It was a swamp of gay men and married people. I felt like yelling "who's single here? come and talk to me!!" The party represented one of those 'best opportunities' for meeting someone. ie. it was a private, friends' party so you can talk to anyone, you know they are from a certain background/ professional group and more likely to be of interest to you.

One thing I've learnt, cut your losses. So I left after the speeches, snuck out the door and with some sorrow, walked slowly back to the car, re-assuring myself I did everything I could, he just wasn't there. I do hate having to judge an event on the dating sucess rate, but that's my life.

freaky activites

I haven't really gone into the esoteric side of this bloke search. All the psychic stuff, the cards, mantras, wish boxes, crystals, feng shui....all the freaky deak stuff.

let me scare you a little..!

I saw two psychic's around the New Year. The first was Tarot, which cost $50, the second came to the holiday house, I think she was $80. This year is all good, with business and love all there...it felt good to hear positive stuff.

Each week I listen to radio programs, via the internet, on positive thinking, angel therapy & trusting your vibes on Hayhouse

I've watched 'The Secret' and 'What the Bleep' two DVD's on positive thoughts.

I've read Paulo Coelho (the alchemist & others), Erkhart Tolle 'The Power of Now' and regulary dip into Alain de Botton's 'The Consolations of Philosophy'

Then there's the astrology. Mystic Medusa is my favourite. I subscribe to her daily astro raves (a bargain at $2.50 a month). Her books 'Soul Mating' and 'Astro Guide' are invaluable for assessing a potential love interest.

Valentines Day I spent with Jessica Adams & the launch of her new book, Astrolove, and a talk on your Venus Sign (mine is in leo)

When in doubt (on a daily basis!) I consult on-line oracles, like Mystic's and Linda Hill's The Sabian Symbols. These witty or cryptic answers keep me amused and sane.

I have a wish box. Full of things that symbolise partnerships and love. It's covered in dust now.

The weekly flowers for the feng-shui love corner has been ditched due to disinterest.

Crystals bore me. I can't emote to a stone. It reminds me of the pet rock I used to have complete with stick-on buggle eyes.

I stopped meditating when the iPod was stolen.

What's left is this blog. My on-line friend. A little like a special invisible friend, who doesnt' talk back much, but allows me to rave on while sipping red wine in my nightie. good times.

happy but hard to take

I will hate myself for this. Being guilty for having these thougths & feelings. but the news my brother proposed to his girlfriend just made me upset. It was a selfish upset. A pitying deflating feeling came over me. My favourite cousin had her 2nd baby this week & my brother is getting married. (well, again actually) I'm just the last one left. The last one in my whole family, and being the eldest it's harder. And I didn't expect this.

i'm crying right now.

you know when you're little & you think love is just what happens to everyone. it happens in some magical time anywhere from high school, or uni or work.. well I'm still looking and waiting & hoping. I have the most close together family & everyone has stayed married, or keeps getting married. Yes, I feel like a freak. Like I've got a big hairy moustache & no-one is telling me. Because my mind/ deflated ego is just tired of being the big love loser.

So that's why I went on the Science flirting program. I hoped I would learn something about my mistakes, or lack of something, what was the big barrier to me finding happiness in love. You look for reasons why. That I hadn't meet the right person, not trying hard enough, not being opened to all types...I 've both heard & thought & been told of all of them. And I tried almost everything, so I can tick so many boxes on my attempts.

So I wonder if life has something different for me & If so do I have the courage to pursue that. My business is okay, but after 5 years of doing this work, I am tired. The financial as are not what I expected & it's a struggle. I don't feel attached to it any more. I could give it all up, so easily it's frightening. You keep going because that's all you have.

It may well be there are decisions to make in the next 6 months, as I can't keep pursuing this course. Living the life of a person in a relationship, ready for one, but it's false. Choices are becoming both limited and more open depending on how I want to see my life. limited in terms of having children. Open in terms of a career...no...it's a life pursuit, as a single person with something else to do.

The Running Away is getting stronger. The world is a constant reminder of a life I don't have & need to shift these thougths, as they won't do me any good. The first thought was to attend a Vripasahana silence retreat where you are in silence for 10 days. A good chance to clear my mind, get away & not spend any money!

Usually what happens is I wake up one morning feelling better & this attack has subsided.

Anyway I may delete this post. As it may depress me to read my sadness.