Thursday, June 14, 2007

Got there!

Sydney: 4pm, bucketing rain, 12 deg, winter is well on.
At home, glass of bubbles, plate of cheese & salami.
Ugg boots & cashmere hoodie.

it's my birthday. I'm finally here, quelle relief. Yes: I am relieved. The drama of the last few months is over it feels. Now I'm 40. The wait is over.

Taking the day off work to sit at home or do whatever I like. Spent most of the day on-line, talking to friends and not feeling guilty for doing pleasurable crap. Must learn to switch off guilt button more often.

I'm organising my party for Saturday night here at home. It will be cold so asking everyone to wear fur coats (which we all seem to have in our wardrobes) Hoping for a massive pile of fur as everyone warms up & tosses them in a heap.

I had an epiphany of sorts this morning, regarding 'my life'. Have been concerned about procreating, whether I can, should I, will I issues. As I have no partner/ husband or looming potential, the pressure to meet & make babies is less likely.

Five years ago I started my own business, working from home for the first few years I felt happier and less stressed. There was plenty of room for a partner & another life. It could have been a good set-up for fitting in marriage or motherhood, but that never happened. Over the last few months I've struggled with giving up this career for something else more stimulating (and better paid), plus accepting the life I have, plus wondering what to do & what can I do..only a few big questions.

This journey took me to the doctors. I'd spent weeks crying and feeling lethargic. I stopped exercising and lost all interest, except in episodes of The West Wing & drinking red wine. I needed be to challenged. My job was dull, the financial rewards few, creditors were calling & what I was , was depressed...officially. (the stolen handbag was the trigger, btw)

Tom Cruise may not approve, but Brooke Shields would. Taking anti-depressants has made all the difference. There's a cushion to my thoughts. The Darkness is not there. I can speak more openly about myself & to myself.

I told my mum first & she said the same thing...that I need a challenge, wasn't stimulated at work & what I was thinking was correct. It was time to move on & find another working life.

I've let go of so many ideas about my life in the last few weeks, so sorry for not posting, it's been a big month of thoughts. I've let go of my current work, and thought about how to wrap it up. Updated my CV, told some friends about the depression (happy to tell everyone, hence this post) and had a good conversation with a few friends about other work

So letting go of 'not being a mother' is not because I am selfish or deluded about motherhood, it's entirely circumstantial. I'm not having a child without a strong partner & I won't put pressure on an early partnership with a too soon pregnancy, just because, at 40, I should make it urgent.

I visited my lovely cousins last night, whose 4 yr old is my godson (who thinks he's a pirate). I loved being there, being a friend, an aunt, a godmother and playing walk-the-plank. Regardless of who has children, we love each others company & I love their kids. It all goes together. (wow think the champagne has kicked in!)

I feel unbelievably resolved. And ready to find what I need to find, as a 40 yr old & happy to be one.


Anonymous said...

Lovely Cat,
All the very best on you birthday! I wish you a fantastic year with only the best opportunities privately and professionally.
I always thought of you as a spring/summer person (because I live in the northern hemisphere! haha), but now things seem to make more sense.
Best wishes & have a great party,

k said...

That is wonderful!
Happy 40!
Such a light-bulb moment, by the sounds of it.
I wish you all the best in every adventure this year brings you.
This is just the beginning, and from anyone I've ever spoken too... 40 is the best!

Laurel Papworth said...

Oh 40-itis has hit a bit early, you poor love. I got whacked with it at 41 and a half. Just know that this is the time when you WILL make changes and the changes always show you how you are now in charge of your life, an adult. 41 should be the new 21 I reckon.

And there's nothing wrong with a good cry and glass or two of red to get you through it. I used to go and howl in the shower, as it tends to upset the neighbours less. :) Do what you need to do.

Except tonight, for contrary to popular songs from the 60's, it's your party and you can't cry if you want to. heh.