Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Blood Moon

Tonight is a lunar eclipse. Will be catching up with Marilyn for a long over due dinner and moon watch.

My neck seized up a few days ago & I’ve had to have baths, massages and currently sitting here with a heat pad around my shoulders. I look like a Thunderbird puppet in motion.

I think champagne will help my muscle….

As for the Moon, it typically makes me all sooky. I usually feel more feminine, in some classic sense, all flowing hair, Grecian gown, walking barefoot on soft grass in the moonlight. I do love standing outdoors in the dark, taking in the moon & letting any thoughts wash over. Sleep is usually filled with myriad images in my dreams.

If anything, I feel like a tide turning, waves coming in, the undertow deep within, the gentle lapping of water at the end and crunchy sand under my toes.

I’ll think of Voice Man, but not in a thinking way, just a emotional way. Let my body talk to me & not my mind, and then accept the results, not have my mind challenge them.

That’s how a full moon is for me..enjoy yours.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


For the first time in my life I have a psychologist to talk with. Our discussions have been mostly about sorting out my financial and working life. On Thursday after not seeing her for a month, I gave her an update. With two job interviews, a new business plan for the shop and my overall improvements in general, it was a good catch-up. One topic we had not covered as yet & that was my love life. Over the last month I’ve developed a relationship with Voice Man. On the scale of ‘how good’ it’s pretty up there. I just love Virgo Men. They are funny, witty, kind, know how to cook & have a stability to them that calms me.

TypeASuperFit is also a Virgo, so is my best male friend & a few previous ones over the years….all can cook & chat & are fun. I don’t go looking for them..it’s just what I attract. The only problem is timing.

TASF was recently separated, a 5 year marriage, no kids and his wife cheated. He is still pretty ‘out there’ . When we first went for coffee, he said, ‘Cat, you tell me what you want, I’ll go and get the papers, do the ordering, you just sit there. I like doing this part” Those words thrilled me. What he wanted to do, was what I like receiving. We laughed all morning as a result of this perfect understanding.

Voice Man is also recently separated, has two kids and while he’s not ‘out there’ sexually, like TASF, he is still exploring the world of friends and inner city life, along with Friday nights with friends. Less commitment to the family and more about him.

The problem is he is too recently separated. It’s only six months. He’s only just developing the separate father role, the newly single role, the man with freedom role.

His birthday is next week. He’s having a party at home & he’s not sure about me coming along. The ex will be there along with their common friends. As he said, some people will feel there’s not enough mourning period before the next relationship.

I haven’t meet any of the friends and also don’t want to go. For reasons of first introductions & explaining the relationship, I’m not ready. So I talked to the psychologist about it. “As you’ve only just meet, in the last 4/ 5 weeks, his birthday has just come at the wrong time”, she said. ” It’s not necessary to be with him and vice versa. If his birthday was in a few months you are better prepared to be involved. Do something else for his birthday, separately, if you want.”

I agreed and the answer was right for me & I’m sure he’d be happy to hear it too, thus solving everyone’s dilemma.

Only problem is Voice Man has done the disappearance act. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since Tuesday (it’s Saturday morning) although I left a message on his phone. I don’t feel right about this. After having such a huge night & then absolutely no contact.

Maybe it’s all too early for him, does he need a bit more ‘mourning’ time? Sort out his ex, his kids, his friends and let him have his single man time.

So, if you’re reading this, Voice Man, I’d rather quit now, before it’s too deep, before you realise you need more time for yourself & regret moving on so fast. Happy Birthday for next week. See you in the future.

(the first ever break-up via blog?)

Friday, August 24, 2007

Me or My Emotions?

Am I just better at sex, or does the other person contribute to the enjoyment?

Had a late night phone call from TypeASuperFit. “I’m awake, but why are you awake? ” I answered. “Now, Cat, don’t be like that! ” “There’s only one reason why you are calling me at 11:30pm on a Thursday night” “Can I come over?”

“No way, besides I don’t need it from you. I’ve got a boyfriend”

“That’s great”, he said, “You deserve someone, No really I’m happy for you. You know I can’t give you that. Who is he?”

“You don’t know him. He’s in the film industry, he’s younger - that’s how I like them & he’s really good…the other night we had absolutely no sleep”

“That’s great, you know I was with this girl the other night & it was really bad, like nothing. You know you’re great Cat. ” (his flattery is accepted!)

“It really depends if you get along, the old ‘connection’ issue. The more you trust and are open, the better it is. It’s hollow otherwise”

‘You’re so right. Can I ask you for help, seriously ? “

“Dr Cat’s advisory service?, so long as you call during office hours! “

So why is each experience so different? It’s not about what you are, but how the both of you are together. Do you trust, do you get each other, kind and funny & silly together. ? have these & get better sex as the reward

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Purple Patch

“You’re having a Purple Patch” said a friend recently when I downloaded my week. My cousin used the same word yesterday. It’s freaky when a word starts back in circulation. Which meaning should it take ? A bunch of flowery prose? Purple bits of fabric to enhance my social standing (only if I was a Roman) or a series of events both romantic and life changing that occurs in a cluster.? I’ll use the last one.

Tuesday was ‘Replacing the Rabbit’ day (below)

Wednesday was an interview at a Web company (I’m thinking of changing jobs) and the night was a Web 2.0 debate with the eloquent and knowledgeable Polly.

Thursday was an overhaul of the shop. We changed our whole business plan & this lifted everyones spirits. Nothing like turning your working life around in one go. It was a great day but I was so tired ! Was waylaid by an old friend recently back from overseas for dinner and drinks.

Friday was more work serendipity. The changes of yesterday brought another opportunity through the door. Things were falling into place. That night another attempt at going home early turned into dinner with Petal’s visiting sister, Liz. We had a disagreement over Facebook at dinner. Liz was fining her staff for every hour over the agreed limit on Facebook. One staff was near a $1,000 dollar fine. She runs a PR company & that alone was enough for me to determinedly point out the benefits of allowing staff to network and socialise on Facebook. I’m quite passionate about social networking (like blogs etc) and believe this phase of the Internet, with such dynamic content, is the most interesting. Liz quite liked being stood up to & started confiding all sorts of personal things to me later that night.

Resting all day Saturday in order to pull myself together for Edith’s birthday. I felt like a big fat alcoholic hefer. Marilyn came by in a hire car for the 40 min journey to Edith’s house. We drank a bottle of bubbles in the car & 5 hours later continued drinking on the way home after Edith thrust a ‘traveler’ (a bottle of sparkling shiraz) in our hands.

Oh Lord, what a week ! I finished a cigarette on my balcony at 1am, still sipping the shiraz. I looked out at the lawn. Eight months ago the body corporate taped off the lawn to help the grass. All I could see was restrictions. Sectioning off grass? it’s been months & the grass is fine. I wanted to do something right then about it.

I changed into a large coat, put on a hat, grabbed the kitchen scissors and jumped the wall to the garden. Snipping the plastic tape from every post I dragged it all to the bin. The lawn was free at last ! Jumping back into my apartment I proudly viewed my work.

Several hours later I felt the rush of acid. I had seconds to get to the bathroom, ripped back the toilet seat & shouted down the porcelain line. Managed to brush my teeth after that, somehow.

Who am I ? a 40 year old alcoholic wastoid? No. I’ve had enough of this type of life. Time for an overhaul. Summer is on it’s way. I want to swim, do exercise, stop smoking, reduce the drinking, enjoy my work…. just change a few things ! !

Yesterday I hung out with my favourite cousin, Tash and her two kids. We danced to Elvis, told stories, drank pots of tea and ate cheese and tomato sandwiches. From there was another interview with a prestigious advertising company. There was no specific job on offer, just a recommendation via Edith. The contact person sat down, put her business card on the table. She’s the Managing Director. I took a breath & just told her about my passions, showed the portfolio of work & after an hour she offered me a job.

I’m shit scarred about this job & glad I am. It’s a good sign. Being scared means I care, means I want to try & also means changing my life (from a health perspective) will happen. There’s a few more weeks while we talk about the offer. More people to meet & more work to do. But I want it so badly. I’m scared but excited.

What else can this ‘purple patch’ deliver? seeing Voice Man tonight he’s coming over to cook dinner (love a man who cooks)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Replacing the Rabbit

You exist for so long on temporary pleasures, band-aid solutions & being resolved with what's on offer at that moment. You begin to wonder if it gets any better & if past pleasures are an exaggerated fantasy. Say you've been drinking Australian Champagne & then drink a glass of French. The taste is infinitesimally better. Each sip is explosive. You drink carefully not quickly, the whole experience is altered from just getting squiffy to being possessed by the liquid.

So it goes with sex. Each experience can be pleasurable; you learn enough about yourself to discover how to do this but it's a band-aid. A quick shot in the arm of skin & desire. We have needs, as humans, to have such contact with others. TypeASuperFit is my quick and only shot in the last year. He finds pleasure in my lack of other lovers, believing he has a unique power to satisfy.

Tuesday night I caught up with Voice Man. Our third date. The conversations and discoveries are so much fun, that time slides by, so I knew it would be a guaranteed good night. Mental preparations were surprisingly sparse. I thought only of the night ending with a pash in the car and maybe creating a little window condensation.

In a simple way, we get each other. Word plays, silly laughter, cheekiness & trivial knowledge as personality attractions. There's something really solid about him. Whereas I get flustered and loose all sense of decision making, his presence calms me.

I will blame the toilet door. Seated next to this draughty door at the restaurant encourage us to leave dinner earlier than expected. Carrying the half finished bottle of wine home, the suggestion was to finish it on my new deck - under the outdoor gas heater.

Slowly falling into each other arms after a good hour of silly chatting we almost fell off the couch pashing. He said, "this is your house you tell me what to do". "Well", I said " we can go inside to my room, but no hanky panky!" Voice Man is a rule breaker, quelle surprise. Maybe I'm not good at enforcing them ?

For the next hour I held out. "Underpants stay on!" I demanded. "It's a Tuesday night!" I tried to explain, "I got a wax this morning & I've still got bits of wax on me!".

"I'll do whatever you say, I can be a gentleman" he responded as he stroked and inspired me to break all my rules. This man knows how to touch, to bring your skin back to life. Everything he did worked. He could hold and lift and touch and move like in perfect choreography. Unlike something taught it was a naturally synchronised elevation of desires.

In short, dear reader, after many years of bad sex, I had a night of fabulous sex, thrice. No sleep, who cares ? ! We even saved water by showering together in the morning.

That wonderful rumpled bed hairstyle, smug smile & over-heated skin was the souvenir of the long night of action.

And strangely I'm not worried about where it's going. It's good, he's good & I'd say we are both making each other happy. That's enough for now.

The rabbit is replaced.

Voice Man found this blog yesterday & read it (will read this post too) ...my greatest fear has past. Hello you!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

White Unicorn

A White Unicorn is a mythical rare beast. In Sydney girl speak, it's that rare man who is ready and primed for a relationship. The timing button has been pressed , the issues dealt with and he's ready to be released for set-ups and parties.

When a White Unicorn comes to visit or is introduced to you, as has happened a few times recently, the crowd parts and you are left with The Unicorn to examine his Relationship Readiness. Not that you haven't been given a vast set of notes on his desires, tastes, a few quirks and googled him prior, by the keepers of The Unicorn (our common friends). He appears remarkably at ease with probing questions, speaks eagerly and longingly of his nieces or children of friends, tells stories of weekends spent in wineries or out sailing, then mentions a piece of furniture he's bought for his house, uninhabited by others, just him, he pointedly hints.

The night goes well, eye contact is consistent, events in the future are proffered for potential coupling. "Would be great to catch-up sometime" he says "Do you have a card? " And your mobile number is simultaneously clicked into his phone. Everyone holds their breath as this action occurs, is it success?

I think it's all a rouse. To get the monkeys off his back. To tease the friends and allow them some set-up satisfaction. He's really a serial unicorn. He loves this attention from friends, a mix of pomposity and sympathy as well as being introduced as the Guest Unicorn of Honour.

Somehow the man who is so-called ready is not. The hunt for a mate is his, not others. No-one likes a walled garden...he wants to be free to roam to find a mate for himself. The captive prey is not as desirable as one he has to chase.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

A new toy

It's sitting in my bottom drawer, wrapped in a towel. Can you guess what darling TJ bought for me? my first vibrator. It's purple & has pearls inside the lining, plus a rabbit thing on the outside. Edith bought it in Canberra on her last trip. Apparently they are heaps cheaper there...along with fireworks and dope. A strange benefit for living in the world's most boring capital city.

You have to clean it first - take away the plastic residue. Luckily I had disinfectant wipes from the India trip and then purchased lubricant.

The night I meet Voice Man was the first time I used it. I was a little wired up & this is what it's for. I thought it was so big & once I hit the button it was not silent..like an electric toothbrush. Prehaps I need a Ipod speaker system for further noise diversion. How do you dress for this occasion? I had my nightie on...pyjamas would be wrong. Lights or no lights? how do the buttons work again ? back, forward and swinging side to side. whirr, whirr, rumm, rumm... just like an episode of Top Gear. Think there' s too much lubricant. Oh, now I have to move it around.. the battery action can only do so much. Just like a toy, half the fun is the imagination you apply to the game. Luckily I have such an imagination.

Who can this purple rabbit be ? Voice Man, Type A Super Fit , or the Mysterious Stranger ? Madonna's song, Beautiful Stranger started playing in my head crossed with a version of Harvey the 6ft Invisible Rabbit. (played by Jimmy Stewart, oh, don't think about that)

I could just fall asleep now, just like a bad fuck... would that damage the ego of Mr Purple Rabbit? how long would the batteries last? Mr PR is only as good as I make him be.

The good thing is there's no cleaning up afterwards. I just chucked him on the ground and went to sleep.

In the morning I found a little dark patch under him on the carpet. I'd forgotten to put the lid back on the lubricant & it spurted out. I didn't miss out on the wet patch after all.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

juggling continues

I'm a whirlpool of men and dating opportunities. There's no panic; just seeing how each date/ conversation pans out. For instance The English Indian (TEI) was interesting for about 2 dates. We played scrabble on Facebook for days ( I won 2/3) we emailed and talked. You know when you are just keeping a conversation going to fill in time? it was that energy.

After having lunch on Monday with TEI, listening to him blab on about his dogs for 20 mins, I had the clunk moment. The 'I'd rather be alone than here with this person' moment.

Type A Super Fit is overseas skiing in New Zealand currently, since he wont' give me a relationship, and now I've mastered the technique of simultaneous dating, I don't need his games....another dating dilemma sorted.

My dating life has now improved with Facebook. Two more old boyfriends are in my network. One is really cute & still single. We've been facebook messaging for a few days now and yet the before 40 Cat would have angled for a drink or catch-up, the After 40 Cat is just happy to converse, keep the intrigue going.

The biggest surprise is the blind Facebook date. A spontaneous message came from a bloke who also wrote 'Church of the Poison Mind' as his religion. There were only two of us in this 'church' according to Facebook. I read his profile, saw a few images & just kept up the messaging. There's a way someone uses language that appeals to me.. the references or usage is interesting or similar. My facebook bloke used the word 'squiffy' for 'get tipsy or drunk' . To me 'squiffy' reminds me of Blackadder. Queenie would ask Blackadder if he wanted to 'get squiffy'. I love this word & his use of it incited many responses culminating in an agreement to meet.

(squiffy becomes sozzled then finally smashed, for those who like to conjugate a verb)

I'll have to call him The Voice Man, because he has that deep mesmerising tone. In fact he did a voice over for a short film at Tropfest. Strangely I had seen it recently and noticed his voice.

Voice Man was leaning against the bench waiting. He was sweeter looking, cuter and warm when I met him. I had to do an cheek kiss, because I wasn't shocked I was delighted he was nicer in the flesh.

We talked non-stop. Drank champagne (he did too!). Liz joined us for a hour, before voicing her approval..and to him when I went to the bathroom. She did the 'my friend is fabulous' in a slightly threatening manner on him, bless her.

Before we knew it the pub was closing. He wanted to walk me to my car, we stopped outside my work & admired the swimsuits in the window, talked more & the lunge happened. I was living in his eyes and had to visit his lips. This pash made me happy...some pashes turn you on, but this was a happy pash. We said good bye & this smile just overtook my face. I think I slept with that smile.

his facebook comment for the next day was Voice Man 'is smiling'