It's my life firstly

He was delayed a day. Going via another city for work & arrived back on Friday. He texted me that morning. Without any certainty from him, I carried on regardless. No use pinning or expecting. The best way is to carry on with life. Luckily I'm a very busy and important person!

Friday was a wine lunch with clients. It turned into a long afternoon of wine tasting and I had to back up, get dressed again, brush my teeth and get to Skye's 40th Birthday at one of the newest, classiest places in Sydney.

Saturday was dinner at Edith's, then Sunday was lunch at Sandra's...just a typical weekend in my social life! He was glad to hear I was busy.

To be realistic. He has kids, I expected him to want to spend time with them. He's also travelled for three weeks & would want to just relax and catch up with his friends. The best tactic is to be busy...carry on regardless....and did I carry on.

The wine lunch was hilarious. I thought it was just a few wines to try. Turned out to be the official media announcement of the top 28 wines of the year. And they were all on the table to taste...every single bottle. Four hours later we headed up to the top bar for more. I had to extract myself from further invites to get ready for Skye's birthday.

You know when you're pre-menstral and your boobs are puffy and huge? plus you find all the right dresses to wear to show them off. Apparantely it's a biological thing to flash the flesh. Show the plunge and enjoy the wandering male eye. That was me. In the black dress with the plunge.

Skye was looking amazing. She has the best hair. Blonde, strong and flicks so beautifully.

It was a night of fab female love. The type where you adore your friends and let rip with screams and hugs and good times. It helped we got 'special' entry to the latest club in Sydney, the Ivy. It's hot, it's divine and we all went bonkers dancing and drinking champagne.

Oh, and then I did my special dancing tricks. I danced with someone's blackberry down my cleavage & then asked him to call it...
and found a table to do my other special dancing on....the picture shows my fans.

Don't ever worry about turning 40. There is heaps of fun to be had.

(hey, don't worry. I helped all my friends get home. Went via their homes to help them in the door and Louise collasped on my couch. All good clean fun)

a breather

So focused on all the things happening that I've not even thought

about my love life for weeks. It's such a relief! This is not a 'no mojo' situation, nor a 'I'm discovering the real me' moment, but just not interested. Especially in the effort department. Happy to talk and flirt but I'm not looking any outcomes.

Friday I was working in the city at my Dad's office. He needs help attaching photos to his emails, that sort of thing. We also argue and laugh a lot. But the effect the city had on me was interesing. I love it's energy, people rushing around, carrying phones and coffee's, women in high heels clacking away & me just soaking it all in.

Being in an office was fun (I'm not mad! ) it was clean & organised & so was the bathroom and kitchen. I am so sick of the shop's mess, it's really disturbing my head.

Anyhoo, meet all sorts of friends at the Opera Bar. It's perched to the side of the Opera House on the harbour. Kind of the best place you could be in Sydney on a Friday night.

I went spastic with the wine and cigarettes, I hassled Skye's boyfriend to behave better & Holly and I were the last in the bar...they were packing the chairs around us. I was so drunk I forgot I had vomited. The bathroom gave the evident away.

Back to being a trash bag. I cleaned the house all weekend, does that count towards redemption?

facebook

Apologies for not posting, even though heaps has happened, I've been obsessed by Facebook. For those who don't know this site...be warned! it's addictive. I've found so many friends, old boyfriends and just people in general. You can lurk around and play with games, applications, see what everyone is up to. As a web tool it's had an incredible impact on many people I know so the whole experience is not in isolation... for some reason we have all taken to this site in a swarm & that's precisely what makes it interesting.. that so many people you know are there.

Okay... you know when it rains it pours? well it's a virtual flood, a damn bursting wall of dating activity. Facebook has something to do with that too. I poked an old flame, TypeA -Super Fit.
A 'poke' is a facebook term for saying 'hello'. Cheeky but cute. The poke turned into a few texts, then phone calls at 10pm on Friday night. I madly cleaned up the house, lit candles and then put on sexy underwear including the black lace-trimed stay up stockings.

Why was I inviting him over again ? I needed it. And that man makes me do things. He enlivens me & we have fun. His muscular body is also slightly appealing.

The next night I meet an old friend in the pub...lots of discussions about relationships while watching the Bledisloe cup (australia lost :-( ) .

Meanwhile on Facebook I attracted someone & we are in email contact.. it's seems harmless? !

Then on Sunday I walked and lunched with a guy from RSVP. He is incredibly sweet & funny & is English of Indian origin. Not on my radar..but he's so easy to talk too. Five hours went very quickly & nice to do day-time non-drinking stuff.

Meanwhile on Ebay, my auction of some shoes was attracting attention. On advice I modelled the high-heeled shoes, as had had too many emails asking what they look like on.. An email question came through...'nice legs, sexy even'.

By Sunday night I was EXHAUSTED. 3 men in 3 days, one on facebook & email contacts. Plus text messages flying all around.

Normally I would panic. I would feel guilty having to split my interest & think it was my decision to make, or I should tell them I am seeing other men, albeit socially. But each of these guys is appealing to me in different ways. I can't make a decision. So this time I am just going to keep going...see what happens.

My multi-tasking skills are being exercised in a situations I didnt' expect. Havent' had time to read HP 7 too!

Follow through

That was the topic of the party. As I'm the expert of dating (even though I'm single) conversations are now centered on such issues. It's about being purposeful, especially at a party and seeing if there are any opportunities for flirting. There always are ..you just have to remember to do so & forget all your business niceties...don't shake hands, instead do the air kiss...be playful, dress well, look your best, smile & be interested in people...avoid heavy conversations & especially people who want to tell you long intense stories of broken dreams.

We all tend to rely on skills we are good at, and maybe too good at avoiding what we are unhappy with. Pete's 40th on Saturday was a perfect example. Pete is recently single. The last time we all met he bored everyone with a misery guts story of breaking up. Like me he was probably having issues with turning 40. Marilyn & I prepared by drinking the Moet (my present from MR BV) before arriving.

Pete was smiling. He was the great host, the proud 40 yr old, surrounded by family and friends, slapping backs and greeting us with true delight. I love seeing people's parents too. His mum's silver grey hair was in an elegant chignon, the dad was like a cute professor who chuckled as he spoke. I'm one of those sucky people who talks to the parents.

There's the moment when you look around & see people you never expected. Being a Sydney person my prior lives with other boyfriends or work comes back to me at such events. The connections were discovered as we asked the 'how do you know Pete ' question.

Mr Bv's friends, TCPP & The Englishman were both there. These two are lovely boys. I've never seen them with a girlfriend, but they always turn up to events, behave well, send thank you emails & generally fill the 'single-boy-quota' at parties. It was The Englishman's turn to ask me more flirting stories. The emphasis was on the follow through. He's a tall blonde English man. Beautifully dressed in a pin-stripe suit & soft purple shirt, he looked really smart. Not my cup of chai but he's been sniffing around some friends with no results. He has the best manners, but never initiates anything physical. He turns up for long chats & organises get-togethers. In short he doesnt' even get to the pash stage. As Marilyn says not even any 'hanky-panky-pants-on' fun.

The EnglishMan & I sat in the corner, out of the freezing wind. It was time for the talk. Like any of us, we've been hurt.." Why", I said, "are you still affected after 5 years? stop being so sensitive and stiff." My bossy self was coming through.
"After a while I can't see the relationship being the one, so I stop"
"Not even a kiss?"
"No" he replied.

"You can't know how a relationship is always going to play out" I explained " I've been so sure sometimes & three weeks later, he's a nut-job ..othertimes someone will grow on you & it's better than you predicted"

"The problem now is, TEM. You've shut off your physical side. You're stiff and lost interest in playfully touching someone." Very conveniently TCPP came by. "TCPP here loves a good playful clutch" I said recalling TCPP's boob & bottom grabbing at my party. I put my arm around TCPP & gave him a squeeze.

"TEM, near the end of a night, my friends are often lying on the couch, having fun conversations, giving hugs and being affectionate, in a friendly way. We all need the touch, it keeps you alive. So put you arm around me, we're friends and keep talking."

We all know how nice it is to sit back, be comfortable with friends and just talk? I'm on a campaign to have more of it.

Looking over at the Bar was MrBV. He was at it again. Hocking into some girl. He'd only been there a few hours, as he'd come from a wedding. He's like a kissing street performer.

TEM and I just shook our heads. "he's at it again, he can't help himself" he said.

By now it was almost 3am & his lift home was leaving. I gave TEM a last hug & said, 'Try this again, with someone else...don't be afraid of being affectionate..it's nice isn't it?"

I'm such a good love coach, as I walked home, perfectly alone.

He texted 'thanks' the next day.

40th cont.

As the party warmed up, so did the need to be silly. The turntable was commandered by a member of the Bolshoi Ballet, with a fondness for 80's pop rock..'Kids in America' anyone?

The kitchen island was cleared and the table dancing began...which quickly turned into stage diving. Gosh I love to see my friends have a good time.

We each climbed up & did routines, longways, sideways, upways & through ways. It's amazing how many things you can do on a kitchen bench! A pause in the music and although no-one was on the bench it gave a sudden creak and fell over, plates and drawers rattling to a stop as it crashed into the cuboards. 'That's bloody Ikea for you' yelled Mathew appropriately.

The boys quickly righted it & typically in over-imbidded situations, the music went back on & we continued to party. Laughing as we re-told the story to those who missed it.

Don't know how it quickly became 3am. With 7 people left, everyone had a sudden thought to leave. They filed out - Penny, Thierry, Hunty, Amanda, Phil, Nicole and MrBV was last. He hesistated at the door, I stalled him with a 'what's the time question' Nicole turned to say some thing, saw a moment happening and quickly scurried off. I looked at him & thought 'Here goes'. The air kiss goodnight turned into a pash, a really good pash. The kind where he touches my neck, my hair; the kiss is soft and perfect. The cold 3am winds were blasting us at the open door. We closed it and walked to the middle of the empty room, with candles softening the room, the remainder of the Barry White album played as we continued the pash.

'Let's go into the room' I said. We calmly blew candles, turned off lights & walked into my room. Crawling onto the bed, we continued talking and it felt like the most normal thing in the world, that we were together and going to bed. 'I hope you'll get under this time' said MrBV, referring to 2.5 years ago when I slept on my bed in my dress, the first time we met. "Of course, I'll just get changed." Quickly grabbing my sexy nightie from the draw and removing the dag pyjamas from under the pillows, I went into the bathroom, removed only the eye and lip makeup & brushed my teeth. Emerging, he was in my bed, wearing his t-shirt.

I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, it was almost 4am & it was more about being affectionate, just having such a comfortable feeling & being with him. We kissed some more & I asked him why he called me a 'good girl' (from the text message) and he again said it that night. 'what do you mean by 'a good girl?' " I asked. Whatever he was going to say, I had to accept it...you just have to ask these things.. I held my breath. "You have such a generous heart, are always interested in people & are a wonderful person" We lay together just breathing close while he stroked my neck, jaw and shoulders. Such bliss.

We held each other until we needed to sleep. The morning was more affection & around 10am we woke, easily talked about life and stuff. I knew he would leave about now. I stood in my dressing gown (hair suitably touselled) and looked at him. Here's that bloody moment when he should say something..you know, like 'I'll call you'. I didn'' want to let that pass. 'I don't want to embarass myself by asking when I'll see you" I said quietly. "Oh, I'll see you again, maybe we'll see a movie?" he walked away with a long glance.

Walking slowly, carefully back to my room, I considered the night, the party, the damage, the fun & the unexpected 4am pash.

want to see the photos? click here for my facebook album. Can you spot MrBV giving me my present ?

40th Party

In one word it was 'unbelievable'

Starting with the weather, it's been raining here in Sydney for 2 weeks solid. My plan to have an outdoor element to the party was almost safe as we have an outdoor covered area. The day beforehand I bought an outdoor gas heater like they have in cafes.

My friends are scattered over my life, from school, uni, work, family & various friends popping back in & out. One thing is they all know about each other but I've never had them in one place together. I spent the week thinking of comments to connect people... this is Linda, everyone, she wrote the baby list! - And here's my oldest friend, Alison, we used to love men who ended up gay.. those sorts of introductions.

The theme also helped. It was a combination of Russian Winter, fur & hats. Strange how many people have fur in their wardrobes.

All that day friends dropped by to help prepare food (thanks Cass!) clean, arrange and place flowers (thanks Di!) and bring extra man help (thanks Suzy & Adrian!) The rule was to help during the day & leave me to peacefully get ready...none of this early arriving nonsense.

My dress was vintage. Black velvet with blue lurex threads. Shaped with an empire waist & short bell sleeves. Topped with a long vintage Mink coat, my Russian name became eKaterina.

As the guests started arriving we rubbed coats. A few men came in full fur - and I don'' mean on the chest ! . But it was Suzy & Adrian who stunned us all; arriving in all white, they were the Russian Bolshoi Ballet complete with Man Tights and strong blue eyeshadow. Soon after Hunty arrived in his White Man Tights, another stray from the Ballet.

My thing is 80's music. I spent way too much on records in my youth & what was once a waste is now super-cool. Records are a party thing, people can see and choose & select the next track. The hilarity of image records from Bon Jovi, Duran Duran 12" singles & long forgotten tracks where the words came effortlessly back got us all dancing soon.

The plan was to keep feeding people, keep the alcohol going. The outdoor BBQ was constantly fired up with new snacks - prawns, chicken skewers and Chinese dumplings. A trick I learnt from another party, to use the empty dishwasher (the drawer type) as an ice bucket. The delight as people pulled it open to see it stacked with Champagne... gosh I love indulgence at a party!

Time for the cake, Di made a caramel mud complete with shoe banners & sparklers. Nicole blasted 'Hungry like the Wolf' as the candles were lit. It was so special seeing everyone gather around and sing at the top of their lungs Duran Duran. I'm a dag and I love it.

Now the champagne was hitting a bit. Not too much, but the crowd was working out. My instincts told me TCPP (two chip packet phil) was interested in me. This was picked up by Linda & Craig (my best male buddy & his wife). Linda decided to be my love coach. 'You've got to loosen up' she said after yanking me into my room. 'Don't put your hair behind your ears...tousle it!...go out there and flirt!"

I'm the birthday girl! I need a pash! so I starting dancing with TCPP. I stroked his legs, draped myself over him & did back-to-back bum dancing.. then I ran away. Then I started all over again.

As the night progressed a few friends started whispering in my ears...'hey, I think MrBV still likes you!" indeed he arrived with a bottle of Moet for me, he was talking to everyone, but I just left him alone...jumping in every now and then to be updated.

to be continued...

Charity Night

It was last Thursday night. Planned for a few weeks; it was a group of us, including TCPP & MrBV. The lure was a room full of Sydney's singles drinking for charity. I love getting dressed up & had my hair specially done. I felt just right. Not eager, Not desperate, just ready to enjoy my friends and see what can happen.

It was a high vibe room. Trays of drinks, everyone looking good, even clowns making those balloon animals. Standing back sipping champagne and scanning the room, ever so subtely, we girls decided to 'take a turn about the room' Our Jane Austen excuse for checking the scene, seeing who was there & figuring out where to stand to best take advantage.

MrBV had arrived, he air kissed me & held out his hand as I walked by. He was talking to two chicks in bad shiny dresses so I said hello & catch you later. The rule is you dont' talk to your targets too early on. You wait until they are loosened up and more able to focus just on you.

Several drinks later, the music was amped up. We had our spot & more friends arrived. Mr BV was in deep discussion with a girl I knew had a crush on him & she was giving him dirty looks. I smiled as I walked by and talked to people near him. More manoeveurs laters and he came to talk to me. I called him a 'shit'. I hadn't seen him since January (five months ago) and he didnt' call after the TV show, despite sending a text message saying he was looking forward to it. 'Everyone calls me that' he said. I wasn't really mad, just wanted to get it out. We launched into our usual fun conversations, 80's music, work & holidays.

In a room full of people juicing up everyone shift places and positions like crazed synchronized swimmers. Being slightly inebriated ; conversations change quickly from lack of concentration. I was getting pushed by the crowd and stepped back onto someone, turning to apologise, it was TypeA-SuperFit who I was addressing. "I thought I'd see you here" I said. "I thought I'd see you here' he replied back.

That's when my night compacted. There were really only 3 people in the room. Me, MrBV and TASF.

I wasn't confused. It wasn't about re-igniting old flames, or seeing if they still like me. I know there is a bond & we can laugh and can be friends, but it was figuring out the 'something'. The bit why they are both 'shits' why they like me but do nothing. Right there I had their attention and took my time to speak to both of them, seperately, in the context of happy drunken chit-chat.

TASF is still a post-divorce mess. A high-testostorone women-heat-seeking would-be giggolo. He is heaps of fun, but so determined to have his way. Whereas MrBV is a workaholic socialiser. Equally determined not to be in relationship as it's not part of his plan.

It's a timing thing again. You can meet the right person and it's the wrong time of your life. busy-ness is evil. Acquiring status and security is paramount. Corporate socialising takes care of your personal life.

With all my practice leaving events, on my own timing, I finished my drink, realised the room was starting to empty and with a quick backward glance waved and left.

It's not until you give directions to the taxi driver that drunkeness really starts to appear. As I stomped to the house, my phone buzzed. It was MrBV 'where are you?' 'just got home' I texted back.

to be continued....

randomness

I usually wake from broken sleep and scribble thoughts onto my notepad. If it's dark, I'll use my mobile phone light to scratch the ideas. My little moleskin notebook is then tossed into whatever handbag, dived for at cafe's and traffic lights to further the day's relationship question & answer.

I left my notebook in the seat pocket of the plane. They can't find it. It may take weeks of flying around the world before someone finds it deep in the pocket. Or maybe not.

Over the trip to FNQ, Liz and I discussed ideas and I had to quickly find another notebook to start over. Here are some of the conversations..(before I loose this one)

What fills you, as a single person, with dread? a wedding? christmas? company functions or holidays. It seems fun at first to be unemcumbered, to float around a room, flirt, drink & talk to whomever. Then the events start being too random in entertainment. It would be nice to know a guaranteed person to attend these with, someone to capture the thread of life's events.

What makes you angry? Jewellery was my answer. I once bought a Tiffany &Co necklace, a nice little Elsa Peretti piece, modern and daily appropriate. The hideous witch I worked with commented 'it would be so much nicer if a man had bought that for you'. With that one sneerful comment she embedded a life time of voice data to my new necklace. I had honestly never heard of such an idea. Only a man can buy you jewellery? what of the gifts from parents, relatives and the inherited items? isnt' love the imparting emotion of jewellery. I love my necklace & hope it turns into a cherished 'aunty cat's' necklace story.

Finally over Mai-Tai's by the pool, came the big discussion. Why are we still single? Am I dealing with prior-life karma? do I still need to be single for some reason ? are there any more bloody lessons to learn? I'm as ready as anybody can be. Just in case I continously purge my house/ office/ handbag & car boot of extraneous objects in case 'hoarding' is spoiling my relationship feng shui.

so it's to Miles Franklin, for a final word on what I'm looking for in a partner.

"...it would be one who could put his finger on some hidden spring in himself and in me and in grand fusion reveal the fullness of life."

astro note: miles franklin: sun & merc - libra. Moon, venus, uranus-virgo. Saturn - aries.

I tried

Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail. The best bit about getting older is you don't take the knocks so personally.

Event: Advertising boys having a combined birthday party.
Location: by the harbour
Theme: rock star

Great friend Nicole wore all pink, because she was Pink. I choose the strapless cocktail number and did Cyndi Lauper, with less make-up. My new FNQ tan would enhance my shoulders and bust in the outfit, a boy-catching outfit, I thought. My new dressing strategy is to look more feminine, show off the female bits, but not too much. More Scarlett Johansen than Paris Hilton.

I used eye contact, chatted to people, danced and wiggled, only had a few champers, got introduced to various single boys....but nothing. The biggest group of men were in the corner smoking dope & drinking jugs of beer.

We called it a night before 12, happy to dress up, go out & generally be 'out there'...but if he's not there, he's not there. And anyway, sometime a good night's sleep is more enjoyable.

The Coach

The new name for MrUltra fit/ FitManly (it was getting too confusing) is The Coach. We went out last night for a quick meal. I found out he doesn't have a kitchen in his city apartment. Something to do with cheap rent and close to his work. Which means having a cheap easy meal is something he needs to do regulary.

He also doesnt' drink. So I skulled a vodka shot before I went out.

So bizarre. The other year I had 6 dry dates with the Marathon Runner, until we got plastered one night. We had to as it wasn't going anywhere while sober. But this is different. The Coach is used to being sober. Unlike me who starts to twitch and I get sleepy early on..the alcholic sugar keeps me awake. The Coach is naturally talkative and cheeky. We made a few jokes, walked around the area and it felt nice, not an enforced sobriety, brought by over indulgence, but an easy, dare I say, healthy feeling of enjoyment.

Without thinking to much about it, my downfall activity, he jumped down from a ledge while putting both hands on my shoulders, his body contact was powerful. He has a strength emanating from him, a radiating warmth. I was kind of shocked. Have I not felt someone's body contact for such a long time ? It struck a brain cell and wouldn't let go.

We bought some cakes after dinner. The benefit of not drinking is you can have dessert. He's not a scary fit person, he eats sweets and doesn't look annoyed at junk food.

So after dinner, I dropped him home. There we were sitting in my car, I was just laughing to myself at the similarity of my last billion dates where I drive them home and it gets down to the car for the pash. Keeping my foot on the brake, the car was bum out to the hilly street, while he pointed out his building etc, and he leaned in to say goodnight...the lips locked, the pash was short but nice. Just enough. Look forward to more.

Out There

When you talk to coupled people, explain your singleness & just to humour it along, because being single is just a huge joke, you ask them how they met each other. IIt usually is a series of meetings and discoveries until they realised it was pretty good & they did all the serious stuff to become a couple. So you ask them some advice & inevitably the phrase 'you just have to be Out There' pops up.

yep, Out There..

In the big bad world the coupled people left behind about 3, 7, 12, 23 yrs ago. And they haven't been back since, so they tell you 'get Out There'. Well I haven't left 'Out There' since I arrived here about 19 yrs ago, ever since I discovered blue cocktails & flashing dance floors. The drinks have changed colour & the floors no longer light up, or bounce as you dance on them. Dancing is now a home activity, taken on saturday nights in pyjamas.

And in the Out There world, you try all sorts of things to meet someone. Now the coupled people get interested: see they've read about the activities of being single in weekend news magazines. There is internet dating, speed dating, make-overs & compatability tests. So I explain all the things I've done.

* Internet dating -on RSVP.com.au
* Speed Dating - via Fast Impressions & the cheaper alternative Fast Date
* Speed Dinners

then everyday flirting involves..
* Chatting to random people in a pub
* Being friendly to barista's & greengrocers & bar staff
* Checking blokes out...cafes, train stations, in cars at lights.

then using traditional methods
* friends, family & work
* Recommendations via friends
* Blind Dates
* Attending every party/ bottle opening that anyone ever puts on. 'cos you never know who you will meet.

Joining Sports clubs/ political parties/ evening classes/ returning to Uni

(swimming clubs/touch footy/ gyms/ liberal party (maybe should try labor party?)/ painting/ french & italian classes/ back for another degree)

Travelling overseas by myself/ meeting up with friends overseas/ Working overseas

Yep, I've been Out There.

So eventually I went on a science show to improve what I thought must be a fault. Let Science show me the way!!

drat. still single.

12 hours of everything

Everything happens at once. The old feast & famine cycle.

Saturday afternoon I finished working at a trade fair. The response was so bad, I cried in the shower & wondered where life was headed to next. It was a low point. I'd put a lot of money into the fair & for all sorts of reasons it didn't work. I did the shower slump & let the hot water pummel me back to reason. I also had to pull it together for dinner with oldest married friends who were excited to try a new restaurant, Ottoman at Pier 2 (so new I can't find a link for it)

Before arriving I texted Mr TASF. 'hi, how are you? how's your week?" such a harmless message, so totally loaded with intention. I should really text 'hi, feeling like a good.... , how about it?"

A few harmless texts later I put my phone aside to enjoy dinner. The first surprise came when the wife asked me to be Godmother to their new daughter. Tears welled up. When you think so low of yourself & others put such trust ? The husband & I are old friends, old flatmates & big drinking buddies. A few years ago I stayed at their house before a work trip to Spain the next day. A few too many bottles of wine later & after hitting the pillow, I couldn't find the door in the dark & vomited all over the carpet. Second attempt I found the bathroom & did another chuck-chunder there. The next morning I was trying to scrap the red wine & tomato salsa leftovers off the carpet with a spoon. The bathroom looked like a slasher movie. So being asked to be Godmother is a delightful surprise
.
The restaurant had just opened so service was like Faulty Towers but with great food. When the main course arrived at 10:30, the new parents were beside themselves with tiredness & we couldn't stay much longer. The plan was to return in a month when the service was sorted, otherwise the view, food & interiors were divine.

Once, alone in the taxi on my way home, I found a few missed calls from TASF. Texting continued. He agreed to come over. It was time to announce my proposal to him, would he like to have an affair with me?

Of course, I was nervous, did a quick clean of the house, sans getting out the vacuum cleaner & brushed my teeth. It was 12:40am when he arrived. He was looking fit & clean, like straight from the beach. He could tell I was nervous & so we sat outside to talk a bit.

Boyfriends are hard work, I said, but an affair could be fun. I'm sick of life not being fun. 'I agree, he said, we can have an affair, I can even take you out for dinner! " Well in an affair we do strange things, like visit burlesque shows & I might even flash some lingerie at you ! 'I can even buy you some lingerie, he responded.

I continued. "It' s also annoying to get invitations for you with 'and friend' and you get questioned heavily about the person you bring. I just want to have someone along without the drama'. He finished my thought ' I can be your 'and friend' & you can be mine' 'perfect ! '

You can guess what we did over the next few hours. Sleeping was deep & relaxing after that. All those endorphins & oxytocin hormones are just great ! I missed them all !

The next morning I had made arrangements with friends for breakfast. I went to grab my iPod & saw only the detached cables lying around. Looking at my brother's bedroom door, which was ajar, I realised he was not home. The strange noises I'd heard in the night were not him coming home, but a thief who entered via the balcony door, now glaringly open. Recalling even the sound of my bedroom door opening during the night, I realised I'd been robbed & they had seen TASF & me lying asleep, post it all.

My brother's room had been rummaged through & a watch had been stolen. Only two items stolen, so easily put into a thief's pocket before they ran out, while we slept.

From business disaster, to godmother status, to affair commencement & early morning robbery. Did I ask the universe to stop making my life so boring in such a dramatic way?

affair, needs

I have the person in mind, but how to handle? from his late night text messages demanding my company I simply have to respond to initiate. Easy. too easy.

The problem is hormonal. So many of use would love to be 'a bloke' about sex. have it and not worry, but there is the oxytocin problem. The hormone that women secreet when they have sex. This is the bonding hormone that keeps you wanting the bloke more, even though he may be a shit & not that good, but you have this strange obsession with him.

In order to counter the oxtocin devil, will put myselft on hormone breaks. Do forced sabaticals away from Affair Object.

But what do I want ? to have fun. not just the physical, which is why it's an 'affair' ...

An affair implies dinners, drinks, flirtations, amusements, small gifts & convoluted emotions. To be involved/ not be involved. The back & forward of commitment & desire. And just to have fun.

So I texted him on Saturday night. My affair object. Can you guess who it is? the one who has texted me a few times. Mr TypeA-SuperFit.

The messed up, post divorce, superbly fit man in a classicaly olympian way from the party last year. Who called me 'the best flirt in the world' . He's the person I could have some fun with.

it's late...more tomorrow.

an affair

if you have an affair as a single person with another single person, is it an affair?

In the pursuit of a relationship & a real boyfriend, I am having no fun. It's been about following dating rules, behaving, watching for signals & being boring..! The pressure of being good, not doing anything silly is getting to me. Now I don't want to do anything stupid...done enough vomiting, pub pashing & drunk texting to embarrass me for life, but all the fun has gone. Dates are all sensible, asking the right questions & making judgements. So much effort!

So I'm thinking of having an affair. Take all the pressure off & have fun 'dates'. Some blokes are unsuitable. They are uptight, stiff & can't shake their things ( hips, I mean ) And married or men in relationships are OUT. They can't be spontaneous. It's a another cronically single bloke I'm looking for, but one who is unsuitable for future purposes, but knows how to laugh and wants a bit of a thrill.

You know all those things you'd like to do, but had no-one to do them with? Thinking of the burlesque club, going to Monster Trucks at Eastern Creek or flashing my lingerie at...being naughty but flirty.

Its also because I want to change my vibe. Not appear so tense & uptight. You know the rule where you attract others when you are more relaxed & in a relationship?

Now I have thought about it...and what rules will need to apply in order to survive... more later, but if anyone has any ideas? all ears..

party time

Tanya is minding a house on Sydney Harbour complete with pool, trampoline & tennis court. She celebrated her birthday with a party at this (her cousin's ) house on Saturday. For us living in small terraces & apartments, this compound of activities on a hot summer afternoon was a great tonic for de-stressing and letting go.

It's not often you are splashing around in a backyard pool, complete with pool toys, with all your friends, no precious thoughts about getting our hair wet, we dived in, pretended to do sychronised swimming & squealed while eating watermelons in the pool. Simple but fun.

I've spent 15 years living in the inner-city. Living in Paddington terraces, Darlinghurst flats, Surry Hills share spaces. Now I'm in a modern white apartment block complete with funky lap pool in semi-industrial Waterloo. My childhood was spent in the bushy suburban North Shore where our house edged a national park, the pool was built into a 20 metre cliff. We roamed the streets, walking on hot bitumen, jumping between back yards pool or riding bikes through bush tracks. As teenagers & Uni students these large homes with pools & backyards became party zones. Speakers & turntables were dragged outside, deep & meaningful conversations took place under trees. This was our night club. The suburban oasis of Sydney.

It was a kind of epiphany on Saturday. Standing around a backyard with groups of people nested in different areas of this house all relaxing. It wasn't pretentious either. Wet swimming costumes dripped onto tiled floors, shoes off, sunglasses on, lying back on outdoor furniture under shady verandahs.

Two things happened with MrBalconyView. He who lives in a similar modern apartment as mine also grew up in the suburb next to mine. Shortly after he arrived at the party I was the first person he spoke to. Noting the backyard, he said 'I'd like to buy a house in Killara' (a suburb near our childhood areas) Suprised I asked why. 'For the future' he said. Thoughts of gardens, places for my herbs, greenery & quiet slid into my thoughts. I want that too. I dont' want to live in the inner-city. Bored of being cool. Bored of garbage trucks at 5am!

But don't be scared. I dont' like MrBV like that anymore, but I do realise he's like a male version of me. He reminds me of my family, my childhood, and with the comment about buying back into the North Shore, that I can accept & would enjoy moving away from the inner city.

The lunch party turned into an evening party. The sensible drinking turned into how-much-can-we-put-in-one-drink cocktails complete with lurid colours & mixed fruit garnishes. Then the karaoke machine was turned on. Tanya loves 80s music as much as me & insisted we sing to Spandau Ballet's 'Gold' (always believe in your soul/ you've got the power to know/you're indestrutible/) I'm not much of a singer so I perform & quelle suprise there were microphones with long leads & a couch to slide around on.

Purposely not speaking to MrBalconyView all afternoon - as a demonstration that I'm moving on - he appeared while Tanya & I performed our karaoke moment of the party. Singing to Soft Cell's Tainted Love (don't touch me please/ I cannot stand the way you tease/ I love you though you hurt me so/) I slid under Tanya's legs, carried on like a drag queen, screamed into the mic like Sid Vicious & gave the performance of my life. I sang it all out. Cathartic Karaoke.

I'm a little closer to knowing what I want & more so - to find the person I want to have another life with. Being single is fine. But it's time to move on. I want to have a different life, one with a partner, but mostly being ready for it means being happy to make those changes. I've done everything positive that a single person can do. Been to movies & parties by myself, lived alone, lived in share accomodation. I'm perfectly content with my own company but we are pack animals, we like communities and groups.. this is the next challenge - to bond sucessfully.

O-V-A-H

when you are really getting over someone, there is often a moment when either you hear something, see them & not feel a great reaction or simply the love goggles have fallen off & they are revealed a normal human. This moment is the OVAH moment, it's over, or spelt out, O.V.A.H.

I'm going to see MrBalconyView on Saturday. He's going to Tanja's party & I couldn't give a stuff. why's that? because I have exhausted my interest. My hamster love for him, that spins around going nowhere, has just realized the wheel will only stop if I stop running. And I've stopped. Firstly I want something real. A playmate, a boyfriend, a partner. Not a series of difficult situations where I have to figure it all out, jigsaw the meaning of our time together, understand what he means, wait for phone calls etc.

but what really did it was a piece of information. The bit that figures him all out & you kind of knew it anyway. Someone knew someone who works in the HR dept at MrBalconyView's company. Apparantely he has a reputation for flirting with all the new girls, the 10 - 15 years younger than him staff, who all think he's boring & old. (he's 38). go the smarter younger girls who see that! No wonder he likes his job... the constant parade ground of younger women.

When I was 25, there where a few older guys around. I remember lunch one day, the 40yr old picked me up from work in his Porsche, took me to lunch with his friends where the conversation was all sleaze. Telling me how virile they were....their houses, cars, holidays etc. Bored me to tears. Not impressed by possesions. Your attitude and ability to embrace life is more my style.

so that killed it for me, once and for all. The knowledge he is looking in one direction and I'm looking the other.

looking forward to meeting The Viking...oh, not meant to think about that!

pleased with myself

after last week's 1:30am booty call from MrTypeA-SuperFit, which I choose to ignore, I thought of the perfect response.

Exactly one week, at 1:30 exactly from that inconveniently timed text message (I was asleep!) I sent a response.

"Hi TASF, how's your love life? text messages are not my thing. Doing lots of flirting. TV show is on next year. Will definately let you know. sleep well. cat"

no response so far, but it feels good.

girls, girls, girls

I'm surrounded by women. I'm so lucky to have so many great women friends, and sometimes it takes weeks to catch-up with all of them. I often wonder if I should be a lesbian... I have better luck meeting great women. Damn, I prefer men, the allusive the better.

the other week I meet Laurel, who has a blog on online communities, we talked for hours over cheap glasses of wine (at the art gallery members bar - got to join!) about web, internet, astrology, sydney etc.

Tanya is another great new friend whose emails have me in stitches. She's a wise women on men, and still baffled by them. Drinks with her & 3 other female friends on Saturday. All of them are single & all beautiful and normal. (Hi Liz !, Hi Mand !)

Tonight is a catch-up with 3 ex work colleagues, all chicks, all fun. (hi sons! hi di! hi kate!)

finally tomorrow is 1st drinks with MrFitManly, who i'll call the Mr PhotoKisserforA Bottle of Wine..oh, bit long, MrFM is easier. We meet 2 weeks ago, or was that 3 weeks? any way not terribly excited about meeting him.. Apart from the night we met, I emailed him when the photo's came out in the email & he suggested drinks. Heard nothing since & just cant' get enthused about the date. I need a build-up, bit more tension or flirtation & not feeling it currently.

I just need a boyfriend who either stays at home or goes out a lot, then I can continue to catch-up with my friends & meet more cool chicks.

late night surprise

I got my first booty call sunday morning. I'd just hit the pillow after the U2 concert when the text came thru. Thinking it may be my concert going friend, I looked at the message. With sudden clarity I started to read it.

"Special Agent Cat. How is the flirting going - have you graduated to an advanced stage - I am in your area if you are out & want to catch up for fun...MR TASF"

it was MrTypeA-SuperFit, last heard of in May this year (6 months ago!)
So he was 'in my area' ... like some special offer Mr Whippy Van ?

How to re-act? I didn't want to start a texting rally, there was only 5 more hours of sleep before the alarm, so I ignored it.

When I showed my friends the next day, ignoring him was the agreed and only reaction, as we are all completely disinterested in any texting as a form of dating/ flirting/ getting together.
We are over texts. Too easily sent, too easily dismissed & eventually expensive once you start to volley back your answers. Humour, subtlely, nuances, all these are lost in the race to text. Now I'm up against blackberry holders, whose speed surpases my standard nokia double thumbing.

last week I recieved two cards in the mail, one a thank you letter from Alison for her birthday present & the other from Liz, a funny card & a spontaneous friendship message. Both were beautifully personal, funny, and unambiguous in their message. They now sit on my dresser & will remind me over the next few weeks of their lovely messages.

you can't pin a text message to your fridge. there is no joy in texting.

Further proof came from Sally, who is over texts from a potential. She put a card on his car & received a 'live' phone call as a result. He was impressed enough to call.

We love phone calls. There is no waiting, it's easy to respond & you can make plans in a fraction of a time.

So the campaign has started. Text dating is out. Phone call & letters are in. I'm re-setting the boundaries for relationships. If you can't call, don't bother. make the effort

recently single vs long term single

The chick in the coffee shop across the road, Simone, is newly single, 1 week to be exact. After 7 years with her live-in boyfriend they called it quits. She's 35, he's 29.

I was telling her how I've been single for 2 years now, dating consisitently, doing parties, the tv show etc & now, this morning, the kissing email photos arrived....It just can't get anymore out-there than a photo of the party pash in a morning email.

Simone agreed, it's about trying new things, even walking a different way to work. This morning, she went down a different street, spied a cute boy, eyed him up, as he did to her & then walked her down the street organising a date for Saturday night. Some people are never single for long & she's one of them.

For long-term singles, we are used to being alone & can manage it well. We won't give up our sense of order & comfort for the sake of having a boyfriend. Also it has to be right, not perfect, but genuine & powerful. I think I give off the vibe of being happily single too, whereas Simone as representative of the newly-single & not-for-long group, has an electric vibe. The energy of the break-up, her determination to sort out her life & her candor of the recent events makes her attractive.

Another friend, Holly, is recently divorced after 18 years. She's 43, extremely attractive in a friendly way & so lovely. Her dating life has us in both stitches & admiration. Men fight to talk to her in bars, jump into cabs to get her number & she often has 3 on the go. She's writing a book about newly single life at 43 & how much fun dating is.

so there are two things to emulate when looking for someone, firstly - not looking. The classic case of not being aware or paying attention; this covers not trying to hard or looking desperate. Secondly - the just-broken-up energy, looking free & happy to be social, strutting down the street, life is good attitude.