new start

I was so unnerved by my first day at this new work. I hardly slept, despite taking a sleeping tablet & almost slept through the alarm. I really want to be organised for this work & even had my outfit layed out.

Now let me go back a few weeks. 2 weeks ago I saw a psychic, a woman I had seen earlier this year & liked her style. My thoughts are about work only. The releasing of financial stress & desire to work with good people has been my focus. She laid out the cards & said, "this is about work, there's a lot of money coming through". You can already tell I got the job, however by the final interview I was a little disinterested. The process was so long: my interest was waivering. She said to tell them...another aspect of being more truthful and less 'pleasing'. On the positive side she said they'll find out how useful I am when I get there, right now they aren't sure where I fit in. It was good to have an insight to their thoughts.

Once we got past the work & living arrangements, we finally go onto love. She said there was someone coming through work. I don't want someone at this work, as it's taken too much to get there. She said he'd be via work, but not at this work. He's intelligent, caring & has had one bad break-up, maybe even kids, but he'll be my soul mate.

Now I dislike this expression. It's been overused & cloyingly referred to in destructive relationships.

I may feel different after a few good months of work. Right now I'm in one of those 'not interested' stages: which I find a relief.

Suddenly November

This year has been difficult but momentus. Everything has changed except my name. Now it's suddenly November and it feels like a different year...is it because of Summer ?

The weather is such a tonic. Long twilights, still fresh mornings, insane greeness and colour. (all observed from inside with lap-top).

The other reason it feels like a different year is within me & what's changed externally. I'm sitting in my apartment where a week ago my brother and his fiancee moved out. I bought a couch, a bed and a tv from ebay & yesterday moved, cleaned and arranged the place. It actually feels like I live here. I even cooked & suprised myself with it's taste.

In the morning I walked into the shop (it's closed on Mondays) and saw the weekly figures (bad) plus the mess..there was stuff everywhere. The racks were a mess, it was dirty and out the back last week's garbage sits around. The place didn't feel like me any more. It's a big messy place where no-one cares. My head just said "I can't clean up this mess anymore"

Which kind of leads to a shift in my relationship perspective. I'm not interested in flirting, not interested in overwhelming powerful connections, nor long nights of outrageous behaivour ..... and the subsequent torturous mental questions that come with new connections.

I want that gentleness. The power of holding hands under the table. Considered conversations of discovery. Seeing kindness in his eyes, not just lust. Having a feeling of being "anchored" to someone and being able to give back, without concern.

So I want someone who knows who they are, wants to share experiences and time with someone & is not in a hurry, but is sure who they want to have in their life.

And I feel incredibly calm about that knowledge of what I want now.

Off to a psychic this morning...lets see what she says!

out of town

Time to be a tourist. I'm off to Melbourne for 4 days. Marilyn has a work conference & I'm the spare friend, so we get to hang out in the city, try the bars and restaurants & be care-free visitors.

We all know how liberating a visit to a cool city can be...the bars are different, you feel enlivened by the same but not same vibe & the flirting is funner.

Interestingly one guy from the other week is also down in Melbourne & has sent a flirtatious email "you really are quite memorable, you know"

I have heard he is a complete flirt and loves older women..he's 29. But he's also quite a player. The fun part is ignoring him.

I'll have inter-state reports to gather. yah!

In other news a guy in my outer circle has broken up with his long term girlfriend. When I heard the news I felt like jumping in with 'good! I like him, can you set us up ! " but thought I should let him recover (he's quite devo over her) and make sure he's invited to our group events.

As the Xmas party season starts the number of events is improving. Just being calm about it all..

My 80s mixed tape !