and the answer is...

Where was I Sunday afternoon? at Voice Man's gig or enjoying the view from Bondi Icebergs?

Let me take you back. The day after the last post, Thursday, was my monthly visit to the psychologist. We had only discussed financial and work issues, but this time is was the issue of assertiveness and self-esteem.

What I really needed was the strength to call him & put myself out of misery. The session turned into an episode of 'anger management' with me practising to the psych the phone call break up speech. I did my usual polite/ funny/ understanding speech & yet it didn't feel right. She asked me why I was letting him off the hook? was I being nice because I carried some hope?

I took a deep breath and started again.. the anger at him ignoring me, the anger at not being invited, the anger at him asking for my opinion and then ignoring me again. It all started coming out; my fear of my anger being out of control didn't' happen. I was vocally determined to say my bit, not suppress it. By knowing I could say everything I was lightened.

Later that night I called him. Frustratingly it went to voice mail. Even here I left a angry message ' Hi, call me back, you'll probably ignore this message but anyway, would be good to speak'

I went to Facebook & deleted him as a friend. I don't want reminders.

He called back. I wanted to get in first. "I won't be coming to your gig this Sunday, we should finish this and say it's over' He agreed. He was putting it off, calling me back. Instead of just laughing it off, I wanted to tell him the things that I was upset by.

'Why did you ask for my opinion & then ignore me? ...I really haven't enjoyed the last few weeks, it's been more upsetting than you realise "
It felt good to really say my bit.

"Sorry", he said, "I'm a bit of a mess. I've been reading your blog & you seem to want something else and really I'm not a good catch. I hesitated calling you these last few weeks."

"I suspected that was what you were doing, I know you can behave better than this." it keep on coming out ! "I will want my DVD back."

"I'll mail it too you, what's your address?

"And I've deleted you as a friend on Facebook, don't want any reminders' "Fair enough"
"So anyway, good luck with the gig'
"uh, thanks"

clunk.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It does take a while to work yourself up & say what really hurts you.. this should make it easier in the future to say what ails & pleases me, rather than play nice.

juggling continues

I'm a whirlpool of men and dating opportunities. There's no panic; just seeing how each date/ conversation pans out. For instance The English Indian (TEI) was interesting for about 2 dates. We played scrabble on Facebook for days ( I won 2/3) we emailed and talked. You know when you are just keeping a conversation going to fill in time? it was that energy.

After having lunch on Monday with TEI, listening to him blab on about his dogs for 20 mins, I had the clunk moment. The 'I'd rather be alone than here with this person' moment.

Type A Super Fit is overseas skiing in New Zealand currently, since he wont' give me a relationship, and now I've mastered the technique of simultaneous dating, I don't need his games....another dating dilemma sorted.

My dating life has now improved with Facebook. Two more old boyfriends are in my network. One is really cute & still single. We've been facebook messaging for a few days now and yet the before 40 Cat would have angled for a drink or catch-up, the After 40 Cat is just happy to converse, keep the intrigue going.

The biggest surprise is the blind Facebook date. A spontaneous message came from a bloke who also wrote 'Church of the Poison Mind' as his religion. There were only two of us in this 'church' according to Facebook. I read his profile, saw a few images & just kept up the messaging. There's a way someone uses language that appeals to me.. the references or usage is interesting or similar. My facebook bloke used the word 'squiffy' for 'get tipsy or drunk' . To me 'squiffy' reminds me of Blackadder. Queenie would ask Blackadder if he wanted to 'get squiffy'. I love this word & his use of it incited many responses culminating in an agreement to meet.

(squiffy becomes sozzled then finally smashed, for those who like to conjugate a verb)

I'll have to call him The Voice Man, because he has that deep mesmerising tone. In fact he did a voice over for a short film at Tropfest. Strangely I had seen it recently and noticed his voice.

Voice Man was leaning against the bench waiting. He was sweeter looking, cuter and warm when I met him. I had to do an cheek kiss, because I wasn't shocked I was delighted he was nicer in the flesh.

We talked non-stop. Drank champagne (he did too!). Liz joined us for a hour, before voicing her approval..and to him when I went to the bathroom. She did the 'my friend is fabulous' in a slightly threatening manner on him, bless her.

Before we knew it the pub was closing. He wanted to walk me to my car, we stopped outside my work & admired the swimsuits in the window, talked more & the lunge happened. I was living in his eyes and had to visit his lips. This pash made me happy...some pashes turn you on, but this was a happy pash. We said good bye & this smile just overtook my face. I think I slept with that smile.

his facebook comment for the next day was Voice Man 'is smiling'

facebook

Apologies for not posting, even though heaps has happened, I've been obsessed by Facebook. For those who don't know this site...be warned! it's addictive. I've found so many friends, old boyfriends and just people in general. You can lurk around and play with games, applications, see what everyone is up to. As a web tool it's had an incredible impact on many people I know so the whole experience is not in isolation... for some reason we have all taken to this site in a swarm & that's precisely what makes it interesting.. that so many people you know are there.

Okay... you know when it rains it pours? well it's a virtual flood, a damn bursting wall of dating activity. Facebook has something to do with that too. I poked an old flame, TypeA -Super Fit.
A 'poke' is a facebook term for saying 'hello'. Cheeky but cute. The poke turned into a few texts, then phone calls at 10pm on Friday night. I madly cleaned up the house, lit candles and then put on sexy underwear including the black lace-trimed stay up stockings.

Why was I inviting him over again ? I needed it. And that man makes me do things. He enlivens me & we have fun. His muscular body is also slightly appealing.

The next night I meet an old friend in the pub...lots of discussions about relationships while watching the Bledisloe cup (australia lost :-( ) .

Meanwhile on Facebook I attracted someone & we are in email contact.. it's seems harmless? !

Then on Sunday I walked and lunched with a guy from RSVP. He is incredibly sweet & funny & is English of Indian origin. Not on my radar..but he's so easy to talk too. Five hours went very quickly & nice to do day-time non-drinking stuff.

Meanwhile on Ebay, my auction of some shoes was attracting attention. On advice I modelled the high-heeled shoes, as had had too many emails asking what they look like on.. An email question came through...'nice legs, sexy even'.

By Sunday night I was EXHAUSTED. 3 men in 3 days, one on facebook & email contacts. Plus text messages flying all around.

Normally I would panic. I would feel guilty having to split my interest & think it was my decision to make, or I should tell them I am seeing other men, albeit socially. But each of these guys is appealing to me in different ways. I can't make a decision. So this time I am just going to keep going...see what happens.

My multi-tasking skills are being exercised in a situations I didnt' expect. Havent' had time to read HP 7 too!