Monday, September 24, 2007

and the answer is...

Where was I Sunday afternoon? at Voice Man's gig or enjoying the view from Bondi Icebergs?

Let me take you back. The day after the last post, Thursday, was my monthly visit to the psychologist. We had only discussed financial and work issues, but this time is was the issue of assertiveness and self-esteem.

What I really needed was the strength to call him & put myself out of misery. The session turned into an episode of 'anger management' with me practising to the psych the phone call break up speech. I did my usual polite/ funny/ understanding speech & yet it didn't feel right. She asked me why I was letting him off the hook? was I being nice because I carried some hope?

I took a deep breath and started again.. the anger at him ignoring me, the anger at not being invited, the anger at him asking for my opinion and then ignoring me again. It all started coming out; my fear of my anger being out of control didn't' happen. I was vocally determined to say my bit, not suppress it. By knowing I could say everything I was lightened.

Later that night I called him. Frustratingly it went to voice mail. Even here I left a angry message ' Hi, call me back, you'll probably ignore this message but anyway, would be good to speak'

I went to Facebook & deleted him as a friend. I don't want reminders.

He called back. I wanted to get in first. "I won't be coming to your gig this Sunday, we should finish this and say it's over' He agreed. He was putting it off, calling me back. Instead of just laughing it off, I wanted to tell him the things that I was upset by.

'Why did you ask for my opinion & then ignore me? ...I really haven't enjoyed the last few weeks, it's been more upsetting than you realise "
It felt good to really say my bit.

"Sorry", he said, "I'm a bit of a mess. I've been reading your blog & you seem to want something else and really I'm not a good catch. I hesitated calling you these last few weeks."

"I suspected that was what you were doing, I know you can behave better than this." it keep on coming out ! "I will want my DVD back."

"I'll mail it too you, what's your address?

"And I've deleted you as a friend on Facebook, don't want any reminders' "Fair enough"
"So anyway, good luck with the gig'
"uh, thanks"

clunk.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It does take a while to work yourself up & say what really hurts you.. this should make it easier in the future to say what ails & pleases me, rather than play nice.

13 comments:

Chic Rugby said...

Hooray!

There's a truly wonderful man out there for you Cat - with the emphasis on 'man', not boy.

Voice Man should be rechristened.

xx

Anonymous said...

well done! - so wise: that we behave nicely and swallow the things that annoy us because maybe we still have hope somewhere... but that's silly, we're keeping ourselves from moving on. congratulations! :-)
SV

Laurel Papworth said...

good girl. :)

Cat's Experiment said...

I realised you have to be angry at the person who made you angry, don't be nice to them & then be angry at ppl who support you..
only then, as you say SillyV, can you move on.

my fab women friends ! thank you !

Catherine said...

I'm a little in awe and so pleased for you that you stated what bothered you, and what you weren't prepared to put with, and arranged for DVD return. Bravo Cat

Laurel Papworth said...

one little thing - just for discussion purposes. Do you think that some of the relationship was conducted via your blog? That you set out what you wanted in a relationship here, and hoped he would read it? Is that something you would do again? :)

Cat's Experiment said...

Good question Laurel. There was almost 4 weeks from the time I saw him to the dump call. I did choose to blog stuff that he may be uncomfortable with, but that is his choice both to read it & mine to continue my journey regardless.
Overall I wouldn't let a potential know of the blog in the early stage again.
I'll explore this a bit more in a full post, cos it is important

Anonymous said...

Well done Cat! You should be proud of yourself. In my experience, when a man tells you he is "not a catch" or says "I am a bastard", they are usually telling the truth! It might seem hard to believe it now but there is someone fab out there for you - not non-committal scaredy boys but a really fab man!

Anonymous said...

well done. I'm glad you owned your emotions. Hooray for clarity, courage and the advice of good shrinks. However, I agree with Laurel that maybe you do need to think about what role your blog played in his prevarication - while of course you can justly say that it was his choice to read it, it was a rather round-about-way to communicate your feelings ( knowing full well that there was a good chance he might be reading it) ...

Anonymous said...

well done. I'm glad you owned your emotions. Hooray for clarity, courage and the advice of good shrinks. However, I agree with Laurel that maybe you do need to think about what role your blog played in his prevarication - while of course you can justly say that it was his choice to read it, it was a rather round-about-way to communicate your feelings ( knowing full well that there was a good chance he might be reading it) ...

k said...

Nice work :)
I don't know why as women we feel this need not to 'rock the boat' in order to keep everyone slightly content with what's going on.
And ya - I never shared my blog with anyone I dated - I figure I needed the outlet online, so good decision on your end too :)
wahoo!

Chic Rugby said...

Kitty Cat, I agree with Laurel et al who've raised the role of your blog in all this. If I were you I wouldn't tell a bf about the blog and then when I did I'd make sure nothing super personal about him was on it. Men hate that sort of stuff, especially on such a public forum :-) Just a friendly suggestion!

Anyway, tis no matter now as you're onwards an upwards! Hooray!
xx

Katie Chatfield said...

well done Cat!!