Saturday, September 01, 2007

Coming Together

While walking home from the bakery this morning, the insights of last night’s huge dream and my current confusing love life came together in one of those ‘ping’ moments.

In my dream I was chasing away rats, telling old boyfriends how it was, living in a castle ( a modernised one, complete with internet connections) finding my way on maps & doing research in lighting speed.

Will tell you how all this fits together later on.

Ever since I went on Catalyst it’s been about putting forth my needs, being honest with emotions and just being a known flirt. Before that time I was really over-sensitive about my feelings. I had had crushes on friends and never told them. Went to parties and never tried to flirt with the one I liked. I dressed very formal and generally got so worked up I would have to drink a bit to even have some courage. The first kiss was monumental to me, I got all nervous when I really started to like someone & probably forgot who I was as it progressed. More often I was the dumpee, too overwhelmed to really see what a relationship was really about. I live through my emotions.

The show allowed me to release my inner flirt. I danced on couches, flicked my hair, wore more waist and bust defining dresses and heels. Then I learnt when a guy was or wasn’t interested, then learned not to take the reaction personally. I choose how far to go, I made up the rules. I talked more frankly with friends. They read this blog (all five of them) and know what I get up to.

I’ve done a lot of pash and dash. Lots of dates, lots of honest conversations & meet a bunch of really nice blokes and then understood myself, whether I liked them or I was liking them because they paid me attention. Finally learnt to make that distinction. I had the choice depending on if it was equally good for me. Self -esteem is hard to learn but easy when you get there.

However, the pendulum had swung a bit too far. I was serial flirting. At parties I could flit around to each group, pay the boys lots of attention, take numbers, send texts and keep the flirt going during the week with emails and facebook pokes.

I will flirt for the rest of my life. Too me it’s a form of being charming, to make people loosen up, not be so serious. I ‘m nice to the coffee shop people, the newsagent, the waitress … whoever I can make smile makes my day too. (I can be grumpy too…balance is important)

This is where the dream comes into it. I chase rats away and get annoyed with boyfriends who avoid any responsibilities or are selfish. Because getting rid of the bad ones will allow a true honest man to arrive. It’s not the amount of flirting I do, it’s the quality of it. I’m bringing integrity back (not sexy) . I have a real sense of a man who is solid, has convictions, is grown-up about being responsible & knows how to truly love. That fullsome, honest, real, embracing, realistic version of love. He’s also a bit of a dag, endearingly so.

Today is the first of Spring…well timed for a day of cleaning, both metaphorically and physically. The ipod is playing Simon & Garfunkel, my dag housework music, and I’m ready to chase out the rats and get some integrity

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