Monday, September 10, 2007

you know

There are those special moments of clarity when you know what you really want.

In this case it's not a certain person or specific plan.. there is no named place I want to move to, or person apart from me who can compliment this idea. This is how the plan starts. I have to want it first. Then the person/people match this. But I'm more sure this is where I need to move towards.

Where are my thoughts? I am on the cusp of a life change. Specifically I have biological needs and I don't want to be embarrased by them or belittled by the media's image of a single 40 yr old woman. I'm just me & it's me who's come to this decision.

It starts in me. Where I have more to give. More to do, more to want to love & be responsible for. Like an architect, I have a plan and I want to build something personal and special. There are a number of things I would like to do. Really basic stuff, but it's now time, increasingly so. Delightfully so,...that is to have a goal and a real goal of desire.

I want ...

A partner
A home
A family

The variables are built in. The goal is the same.

The right partner is still unknown, but I have no preconceptions. The home is what it is when I'm there with the partner. The family is any combination. I could have step kids, adopted, foster or my own, which I realise I would like to try for.

It's about building something. Which only two people can build together because they want to.

I've had enough of this self-sustaining life. Of creating my own fun, my own entertainment. I want to really love someone, get annoyed with someone & discover parts of me and him which you can't in a friendship or work environment.

I don't know myself in this way i.e. in a committed relationship. I've never had a relationship past 2 years, never lived with anyone...and I'm so bored with my predictability. A long term relationship is my South Pole, my bungy jump or hand-brake turn. ! something I've never done before !

Rarely do I have such a strong desire. A focused need. Yet it's a relief to have a goal.

As Rachel would say. "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen"


k said...

Goals are good. I like that you outlined what you want from life. I'm still struggling, though I think in coming years, it'll be more clear.
I think having a clear goal helps to get you on track (you and me, and anyone else for that matter).
And hail to the woman who adopts! (no, not biased at all being adopted myself :)) I still think it's wonderful to see women confident enough in themselves to not have a biological child. They are all loved the same :)

Chic Rugby said...

Maybe we could form a group on Facebook! Single women of a certain age who are asking for good men and good lives :-)

I too am sick of being on my own; but I have no belief in it ever happening for me. That might be the problem :-)

I'm glad that you have such strong faith Cat. Keep asking for what you want. Tell the universe loudly. It's time it listened to women like you and me.


Cat's Experiment said...

hi k, it's a relief to have a goal & being an aunt, a godmother (x 2) and that I love to have fun with kids, I understand it's about expanding a 'circle of love' (as I wrote to my godchildren). Thanks for sharing your background! that's really special to know. (my mum is adopted too) so I know biology is important but not all. cat x

chic, believing is half the battle. I'm starting with myself first..a very good place to start as Fraulien Maria would say. cat x