Hard to explain the exact feeling but there are times in your life when you know things are about to change but you don’t know how. The old way is not working. Things you liked to do are no longer appealing…in a more ‘grown-out-of-it’ way. Even some groups of friends are laborious. ..you suddenly feel a huge disconnect and don’t know why. There is no separation pain from this past pleasures. The bond has magically disappeared and you are left with an easy nothing.
Case in point - a costume birthday party last Saturday night. All the usuals, TCPP, Darren, MrBV. There is nothing I like more than a good dress-up. Mashing up items in my wardrobe to fit the theme is my idea of a good time. Just recently I borrowed a pink wig to attend a party for an hour. I’m more likely to over do it than under.
I had absolutely no interest in going. None in dressing up and not even in having a drink amongst hard drinking friends. I just had a sense of repetition. Of performance rather than genuine participation. So unlike me to want to skip a party! But I wasn’t worried. Spent the night watching bad cable TV with Marilyn.
This week I’m staying at Marilyn’s house. A lovely terrace in Paddington complete with Foxtel and heated bathroom floors. She’s at a health retreat and I’m having a solitary study week (interspersed with outings and visits). So far I’ve done a walk every morning around the local harbourside park, taken text books to the cafe & stayed off Facebook…surprisingly easy as there’s only dial-up here.
What am I studying? business books about social networks & new economics. My brain is firing off at me and ideas are pouring out. I want to get this next job.. the one with the marketing company. So I’m hiding away and absorbing everything possible. Haven’t felt this excited, brain wise, for a long time.
The mysterious forces are linked to this work change. It’s the biggest change to my life since opening the store 4 1/2 years ago. It’s the re-invention of Cat. I only half know where I’m going. The rest will be as it comes.