Wednesday, September 26, 2007

taking some blame

For future purposes I will not tell a bloke I like, even if it's really good, anything about the blog. Even before I do, I'll prepare a series of leading questions like..."how do you feel about anonymous confessional blogs?"
"Do you have any secrets you'd like to share, I'll tell you one of mine, but you first! "
"What are your thoughts on privacy ?"

Voice Man was reading the blog in between the non-contact period & some of my thoughts would have put him off, that I want a good relationship & am ready for one...which is hard for me to finally acknowledge, being the Princess of Subtlety

I knew the risk. Although not directing my goals at him specifically, I was being truthful to me. I don't want to be embarrassed, guilt ridden or ridiculed. My needs are fairly meet someone good & build some life or partnership together. I didn't make any deliberate postings..I only think of the topic that day or moment I sit at the keyboard.. they are just the thoughts swirling around demanding an escape path.

I never expected that Voice Man would turn out like it did & that there would be 4 weeks between that Tuesday of no-sleep and the final phone call. In that time we didn't see each other, barely spoke, rain checked our nights 3 times & he had his birthday party. Even before my thoughts were on-line, he was misbehaving. I didn't want to feel stifled by what he was thinking about what I was expressing. Just let it all out, sick of keeping my desires a secret.

I did make the mistake of telling him about the blog & yes it did contributed to his decision, I'm sure.

Lesson learned: keep some secrets.


Laurel Papworth said...


Better you both know early that you have differing values than later when it gets harder. And don't even think about pretending to the next one that you aren't interested in serious stuff.

Plus, just because a woman says she wants a longterm loving relationship with commitment, doesn't mean we want it with HIM.
I'm always real quick to say "I am looking for serious, not fun" - but I still walk away more often than not. Forget scaring them off, I'm not wasting time with the chap that says "oh I'm not sure what I want, but will you sleep with me anyway?". There's a line-up out there - NEXT! :P

Really, whats wrong with writing that you want a good relationship? How many women would say "hmmm I want a shorterm superficial unloving relationship". Well, pre-vodkas anyway. :P You can articulate whatever you want, love, the guys just have to deal with it. So stop beating yourself up - he didn't have the cajones to recognise and resolve with you so you could continue to travel your seperate paths amicably.

Put him out of your mind.

Cat's Experiment said...

telling them you are serious is a good way of getting rid of them, well the useless ones anyway.

Bob Saccammano said...

Hi Cat,

Long time reader, first time poster. Yes, good idea to not reveal your blog to your dates. Ever.

As a guy, if I read your posts, I'd have run a mile too. There are some things that one should not reveal.

Rightly or wrongly, the guy will assume you have "issues" (heck, don't we all?), BUT, for one to know exactly what they are, well, yeah, "you got baggage".

To be frank, you're a) A little desperate, b) Your seeing a shrink. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Seriously.

But thats 3 strikes (yes, B is worth 2). It will send 99.9% of guys to run like Forrest Gump.

Cat's Experiment said...

Hi Bob, thanks for the encouragement, not!

I used to think ppl who went to shrinks were odd, but you should never say never.

(not sure where you are) but here in Australia there's been a lot of emphasis on mental health, with many politicians and high profile ppl announcing states of depression. Recently the Federal Government subsidised a Mental Health program by offsetting the cost of therapy. It's been an enormous help & being open with this (temporary) problem I hope will help others seek help when they need it.

This experience is something that has been more helpful than embarrassing or socially debilitating, in fact almost all my friends and family completley understand and are enormously respectful of the openness of society towards mental health.

I'm not embarrassed to be seeing a psychologist.

Anonymous said...

Cat, Bob made some valid observations. He is talking from a male's POV. I think you have missed his point - from what I gather he is commenting on what he sees as typical responses. I think he's actually been quite honest about how he sees things; and it's interesting to have a male finally commenting. Also, if seeing a shrink is not a problem, it's not a problem, simple - what's with the quasi public information bulletin?
If you are interested in having a solid, rewarding, healthy relationship - why not simply remember the old adage - hasten slowly. Try it, it might stand you in good stead. And It's not about keeping secrets, it's about revealing yourself slowly. I know this is a generalisation, but for most men too much information too soon and they will go, as Bob says, a-running.
I don't know - I know where you are at but you've got to let it all go a little -- e.g. even though you've finished things with Voice man or whatever his name is you still have to put the boot in (not attractive)-- and things might start unfolding in sweet and unexpected ways.
You posted a beautiful photo from the Icebergs at Bondi - why not concentrate on profiling more of your creative stuff. Voting polls while vaguely amusing are not creative. The options are usually limited and the results predictable... Change your thinking, the way you tell your story, even a little, things will shift.

Bob Saccammano said...

Hi Cat,

I think you mis-interpreted my comment. Let me point out first of all that I think there is *nothing* wrong with seeing a shrink. I have seen one myself. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Much better to seek help than let it fester. Seeing a Mental Health professional is no different than going to the GP.

However, ther *IS* a stigma attached to it. Its just the way it is. If I found out early in the peice that a potential girlfriend was seeing a shrink, alarm bells would toll! I will admit to having double standards. Yes. It's ok for me but its a warning sign in someone else. I can't help it, most of us feel this way at some point. I guess I'm trying to be honest.

Guys talk about the stereotypical "crazy female" all the time to their mates over a beer. To find out your partner is actually seeing a shrink brings all of those conversations back. Warning signs go up and our natural reaction is to run.

Keep going to your shrink for as long as you think you need too. Just don't let the whole world know. It's your private business and should remain that way, apart from *maybe* confiding in a very very close friend. Many people will tell you they are "ok with it" but I can assure you that most won't be, despite what they tell you. Secretly they will think differently about you. Mental health is like that, rightly or wrongly. Its just the way it is.

Take care.

k said...

To be honest to ALLL guys out there - most women want to be in a relationship - whether they admit to it or not. Some women subsidize by sleeping with random men often, to make up for lack of relationship, others pull away and stay home in order not to get hurt, others fill their time enough not to notice (um, that could be me, lol) and the rest are lying.
Did you know that men live longer when they are in relationships?
Out of all long-term relationships I've been in, known of - the man bounces back harder and faster and doesn't tend to spend time by himself for very long before finding a substitute.
Just a long-term observation.
I told an ex that I had a blog, I never told him where it was. I never wanted him to see it. I didn't want him to see that side of me, as he wasn't ready - cause he didn't last long enough for me to show him.
Would you show your boyfriend your diary? Same thing. Better to keep some things under wraps.
AND... though there is a stigma with mental health - i have friends dating guys who had to take meds to help with anxiety and it's made the relationship better.
Better to be aware of the issues (you may want to keep them to yourself in the beginning) than not.

Cat's Experiment said...

I'm sure I'll read this blog in years to come & be totally embarrassed by my thoughts and actions. I'll see my mistakes more clearly and wonder why I liked & then tortured myself over certain men.
It's a process & I'm learning everyday to refine it.
In the meantime I'll take it all on board & just keep on going.

Anonymous said...

Alas, what Bob says is true, Cat ... most people do possess double standards when it comes to seeing psychologists, although maybe women are more understanding because of the nature of our relationships with each other. We talk about our feelings and thoughts a lot - maybe too much - and hence see nothing wrong with paying a professional to listen to us work through stuff.

Men prefer to suffer in silence (and drink/shoot things/shoot themselves) or tell themselves there is nothing wrong etc etc. No matter - we're all different.

I think what is important here is that you preserve your diary of thoughts and observations for yourself and for those readers who are either anonymous or who are already friends and understand you/your position. I think it is too easy for some people to 'get the wrong idea'. When a man is in love with you he will be interested in your thoughts and feelings ... and then you can tell him about them to his face :-)

Cat's Experiment said...

I do appreciate all this advice & interestingly I am living by the name of the blog - an experiment.

Nikki Gemmell, who wrote 'The Bride Striped Bare' under 'anonymous' because it was such on open book about an affair, was more upset for her husband and parents that she was revealed as the author. Apparantely the husband still hasn't read it.

So, the last anonymous (not sure if you are all the same ppl ? ! ) it's true this blog should be for only those who don't know me at all, or close friends. Which was always my intention. thanks :-)

Anonymous said...

no not the same : )

SlaveToShopping said...

Just having your blog is a type of therapy, wouldn't you say? Sort of like another way of sharing your thoughts the way you would with a therapist. Yes, I know...not the same but it's all about expression and having someone give you feedback.

And you wouldn't invite him to sit in on a session...

You can express yourself so well, but you might want to keep these 'secrets' in your back pocket a little while longer with the new boys. Lesson learned I suppose...