Sunday, February 04, 2007

happy but hard to take

I will hate myself for this. Being guilty for having these thougths & feelings. but the news my brother proposed to his girlfriend just made me upset. It was a selfish upset. A pitying deflating feeling came over me. My favourite cousin had her 2nd baby this week & my brother is getting married. (well, again actually) I'm just the last one left. The last one in my whole family, and being the eldest it's harder. And I didn't expect this.

i'm crying right now.

you know when you're little & you think love is just what happens to everyone. it happens in some magical time anywhere from high school, or uni or work.. well I'm still looking and waiting & hoping. I have the most close together family & everyone has stayed married, or keeps getting married. Yes, I feel like a freak. Like I've got a big hairy moustache & no-one is telling me. Because my mind/ deflated ego is just tired of being the big love loser.

So that's why I went on the Science flirting program. I hoped I would learn something about my mistakes, or lack of something, what was the big barrier to me finding happiness in love. You look for reasons why. That I hadn't meet the right person, not trying hard enough, not being opened to all types...I 've both heard & thought & been told of all of them. And I tried almost everything, so I can tick so many boxes on my attempts.

So I wonder if life has something different for me & If so do I have the courage to pursue that. My business is okay, but after 5 years of doing this work, I am tired. The financial as are not what I expected & it's a struggle. I don't feel attached to it any more. I could give it all up, so easily it's frightening. You keep going because that's all you have.

It may well be there are decisions to make in the next 6 months, as I can't keep pursuing this course. Living the life of a person in a relationship, ready for one, but it's false. Choices are becoming both limited and more open depending on how I want to see my life. limited in terms of having children. Open in terms of a's a life pursuit, as a single person with something else to do.

The Running Away is getting stronger. The world is a constant reminder of a life I don't have & need to shift these thougths, as they won't do me any good. The first thought was to attend a Vripasahana silence retreat where you are in silence for 10 days. A good chance to clear my mind, get away & not spend any money!

Usually what happens is I wake up one morning feelling better & this attack has subsided.

Anyway I may delete this post. As it may depress me to read my sadness.

1 comment:

k said...

just a quick note: i get this.
I watched every single girl in my family get married in the past 3 years. I watched my 1/2 sister, my sister, and my stepsister, ranging from 11 months to 5 years younger all get married.
My best friend, 3 other great friends, divorced friends, friends who were in shitty relationships, then got engaged.
And I'm single.
I had a very similar post written about 3 years ago after my best friend, sister and another friend got engaged within 2 months of each other.
I felt alone.
You're not alone, there are a lot of people out there that wonder all the time.
There is no answer, just breathe and take everything slowly.
You're ok.