The panic

One day the show will air. The Catalyst program on the science of flirting, the one where I learnt to flirt more.

It was filmed over 3 months last year (2006) with a projected airing date of Sept 06. Now the airing date is June 2007. Quite possibly around my 40th birthday. What a piece of timing. The slow panic of both the birthday & the show is excruciating. Waiting for the final Harry Potter book has nothing in this.

I haven't really discussed the 40th. Still clinging to my 30's. Being 40 means some marker of adult hood, more so than 30. 40 has finality & expectation & time running out... Some things you can no longer do, like nightclubs & the latest bar & puffy skirts, but also marriage & kids ... maybe this will never happen to me. It's not like the media is influencing my thoughts or anything...

Everytime I see a psychic, and I've seen 2 recently, they say I will get it all.. the marriage, a lovely husband & kids... just, it must happen soon. I am realistic & optimistic, I don't often have such thoughts & can snap out of moods...but this is different. It's about the direction of life. Where I'll be in 5 years time. This feels like the most presured time of my life. So much will either not or will happen.

I have thoughts of running away. Stories about Cambodian orphanages & Bangladeshi crippled kiddies are attracting my attention. Can I take my 2 degrees in Theatre & Marketing & teach the underdeveloped world about Mid 20th Australian Theatre & The 4 x P's of marketing? or maybe just teach swimming and cricket ?

If anyone else has gone thru this, please write back. What to do at 40.