facebook

Apologies for not posting, even though heaps has happened, I've been obsessed by Facebook. For those who don't know this site...be warned! it's addictive. I've found so many friends, old boyfriends and just people in general. You can lurk around and play with games, applications, see what everyone is up to. As a web tool it's had an incredible impact on many people I know so the whole experience is not in isolation... for some reason we have all taken to this site in a swarm & that's precisely what makes it interesting.. that so many people you know are there.

Okay... you know when it rains it pours? well it's a virtual flood, a damn bursting wall of dating activity. Facebook has something to do with that too. I poked an old flame, TypeA -Super Fit.
A 'poke' is a facebook term for saying 'hello'. Cheeky but cute. The poke turned into a few texts, then phone calls at 10pm on Friday night. I madly cleaned up the house, lit candles and then put on sexy underwear including the black lace-trimed stay up stockings.

Why was I inviting him over again ? I needed it. And that man makes me do things. He enlivens me & we have fun. His muscular body is also slightly appealing.

The next night I meet an old friend in the pub...lots of discussions about relationships while watching the Bledisloe cup (australia lost :-( ) .

Meanwhile on Facebook I attracted someone & we are in email contact.. it's seems harmless? !

Then on Sunday I walked and lunched with a guy from RSVP. He is incredibly sweet & funny & is English of Indian origin. Not on my radar..but he's so easy to talk too. Five hours went very quickly & nice to do day-time non-drinking stuff.

Meanwhile on Ebay, my auction of some shoes was attracting attention. On advice I modelled the high-heeled shoes, as had had too many emails asking what they look like on.. An email question came through...'nice legs, sexy even'.

By Sunday night I was EXHAUSTED. 3 men in 3 days, one on facebook & email contacts. Plus text messages flying all around.

Normally I would panic. I would feel guilty having to split my interest & think it was my decision to make, or I should tell them I am seeing other men, albeit socially. But each of these guys is appealing to me in different ways. I can't make a decision. So this time I am just going to keep going...see what happens.

My multi-tasking skills are being exercised in a situations I didnt' expect. Havent' had time to read HP 7 too!

Follow through

That was the topic of the party. As I'm the expert of dating (even though I'm single) conversations are now centered on such issues. It's about being purposeful, especially at a party and seeing if there are any opportunities for flirting. There always are ..you just have to remember to do so & forget all your business niceties...don't shake hands, instead do the air kiss...be playful, dress well, look your best, smile & be interested in people...avoid heavy conversations & especially people who want to tell you long intense stories of broken dreams.

We all tend to rely on skills we are good at, and maybe too good at avoiding what we are unhappy with. Pete's 40th on Saturday was a perfect example. Pete is recently single. The last time we all met he bored everyone with a misery guts story of breaking up. Like me he was probably having issues with turning 40. Marilyn & I prepared by drinking the Moet (my present from MR BV) before arriving.

Pete was smiling. He was the great host, the proud 40 yr old, surrounded by family and friends, slapping backs and greeting us with true delight. I love seeing people's parents too. His mum's silver grey hair was in an elegant chignon, the dad was like a cute professor who chuckled as he spoke. I'm one of those sucky people who talks to the parents.

There's the moment when you look around & see people you never expected. Being a Sydney person my prior lives with other boyfriends or work comes back to me at such events. The connections were discovered as we asked the 'how do you know Pete ' question.

Mr Bv's friends, TCPP & The Englishman were both there. These two are lovely boys. I've never seen them with a girlfriend, but they always turn up to events, behave well, send thank you emails & generally fill the 'single-boy-quota' at parties. It was The Englishman's turn to ask me more flirting stories. The emphasis was on the follow through. He's a tall blonde English man. Beautifully dressed in a pin-stripe suit & soft purple shirt, he looked really smart. Not my cup of chai but he's been sniffing around some friends with no results. He has the best manners, but never initiates anything physical. He turns up for long chats & organises get-togethers. In short he doesnt' even get to the pash stage. As Marilyn says not even any 'hanky-panky-pants-on' fun.

The EnglishMan & I sat in the corner, out of the freezing wind. It was time for the talk. Like any of us, we've been hurt.." Why", I said, "are you still affected after 5 years? stop being so sensitive and stiff." My bossy self was coming through.
"After a while I can't see the relationship being the one, so I stop"
"Not even a kiss?"
"No" he replied.

"You can't know how a relationship is always going to play out" I explained " I've been so sure sometimes & three weeks later, he's a nut-job ..othertimes someone will grow on you & it's better than you predicted"

"The problem now is, TEM. You've shut off your physical side. You're stiff and lost interest in playfully touching someone." Very conveniently TCPP came by. "TCPP here loves a good playful clutch" I said recalling TCPP's boob & bottom grabbing at my party. I put my arm around TCPP & gave him a squeeze.

"TEM, near the end of a night, my friends are often lying on the couch, having fun conversations, giving hugs and being affectionate, in a friendly way. We all need the touch, it keeps you alive. So put you arm around me, we're friends and keep talking."

We all know how nice it is to sit back, be comfortable with friends and just talk? I'm on a campaign to have more of it.

Looking over at the Bar was MrBV. He was at it again. Hocking into some girl. He'd only been there a few hours, as he'd come from a wedding. He's like a kissing street performer.

TEM and I just shook our heads. "he's at it again, he can't help himself" he said.

By now it was almost 3am & his lift home was leaving. I gave TEM a last hug & said, 'Try this again, with someone else...don't be afraid of being affectionate..it's nice isn't it?"

I'm such a good love coach, as I walked home, perfectly alone.

He texted 'thanks' the next day.

Femininity

Finally shedding any sense of being a tomboy, being a 'mate' to my male friends & dressing in a neutral way, in flat shoes, trousers & being covered up. The androgynous fashions of the early 90's had us going to gyms to be muscular, wearing man-style suits & general baggy clothes. Wearing a dress was unusual, unless it was a classic LBD, which was worn with black stockings and tailored jackets. I look at all my work photos of this time & I look so boring, so corporate and I loved wearing navy & brown.

Perhaps it was an insecurity to look older & responsible. I lost my femininity, my love of clothes and dressing. With the re-interest in second hand clothes tantalisingly re-badged as 'vintage' I rediscovered my love of the unique, the finding and seeking of dresses and accessories. Yesterday I wore my favourite jumper, found for $5 at Bondi Markets. It's black and yellow and features a giraffe. Worn with straight jeans and ankle boots, I felt more myself & my creativity than I have for a while.

I really want to look like a woman. Heels, salon hair, make-up, french perfume & the other night I wore those lace rimmed stay-up stockings. Gosh it was easy to use the bathroom too! no hitching and re-adjusting ! Perhaps the resurgence of Burlesque and lacy flirty femininity is better for us. A bit of body fat, curves and white skin is easier for me to achieve than spray-tanning my whitey skin, using some device to a bad exercise video & wanting to exercise all the curves away. I'm even showing some cleavage..my final exposure barrier.

This weekend is Pete's 40th, and I really want to look alluringly feminine, classy, seductive but with a Katherine Hepburn/ Lauren Bacall edge. Using the 1940's style to be in my 40's? looking forward to it.

Silliness

Silliness is important. You have to jump around, sing badly - but happily, clap out of time & feel exhausted from dancing at the end of the night. I did that twice on the weekend. The first night was expected. Skye, Amanda & I went to an 80's concert at the local workers club. As you can see from the image, they have bad carpet & cheap drinks. Three die-hards were determined to be up the front...thanks, but they're not us.

The line up was Uncanny X-men, The Models, Machinations, Shantoozies & Kids in the Kitchen. All local Australian bands who were 'big in the 80's'. The cost? $20. bargain.

Saturday night was a French film called "I Do'' with Marilyn and Mand. Highly recommended. Afterwards it was time to de-brief our week at the local pub. Bottles of champagne and chips were ordered and the pub was full of various spunks all alternating between watching the Rugby (Aust vs South Africa) and each other (this includes myself)

Mand had lent me 'The Game' by Neill Strauss, about the world of pick-up artists. It took two days to read & I fascinated by the method of picking up in bars. In summary you ask a group or person (who you want to talk to) an opinion question...to settle an argument & then go back to your friends. The idea is you started talking but didn't hang around. Inevitably they will want to talk more, find out the response, etc & then you are all talking.

Edith had arrived by now & in her refreshingly straightforward way, suggested the question to be whether a guy would be freaked out to find his girlfriend was bi-sexual. Interesting, suggestive and controversial.

We stopped one bloke as he walked past, excuse me, we said, we'd like a man's opinion on something...The question was asked (we tried not to burst with laughter) He pursed his lips, said something about how he's from the country & didn't know how to answer. His friends looked at him & started advancing on our table. We soon had all three of them talking to us.

Once the dynamics of the room shifted, it was like a kaleidoscope effect. Everyone started talking to each other. We felt empowered to talk to different groups, in fact people wanted it that way. I was talking to a divine guy from NY, Reid, he had such seductive eyes. Using the 'how old are you really' routine, I asked to see his drivers license. Luckily Edith was there to help me read it, my eyes were a bit wobbly by now. 1976? that made him 31, almost (a libran too)..if only he lived in Sydney, such a nice looking boy. The nine year age difference is still a touchy point with me, but I am learning to let that issue go. Just not interested in flings.

Suddenly closing time arrived & Edith luckily drove me home...I was a little too wound up doing so much social dynamics. It was 3am.

A successful weekend? I've learnt to pick-up, talk to boys, be demanding & still go home intact. There's another 40th this weekend...more games to play? MrBV will be there & TCPP. At one point our social dynamics will form into some kind of relationship; hopefully. I think I'm giving myself the best chance to meet someone, not be shy & not just talk to the chatty dags.

romance

No, I haven't bounced back that quickly, but have made a small significant discovery. Must have read somewhere about a film called 'Notebook'. That it's a lovely romantic story. As it happened I got an offer from Bigpond Movies (my service provider) with a 6 week free DVD trial. You just order them on-line and they arrive in the post.

The first 4 to arrive included Notebook and a Katherine Hepburn. Sunday was a cold winter's day & before I knew it, had a cup of tea, my ugg boots on & a blanket. I have an enormous sense of guilt watching films at home during the day. I should be outdoors in the fresh air, getting pink cheeks and enjoying the winter sunshine.! bugger that. I need something else. The previous night I saw the Paris Opera Ballet, one of the great ballet companies of the world. I was mesmerized watching the physical yet elegant movements of their bodies. My brain switched gears & my limbs reacted in rubbery approval. Culture does tame the beastly mind.

(note: we ran across to the pub after the performance to watch the Wallabies win against the All Blacks! high and low culture is good for you)

With the ballet as mental champagne, I needed to extend that feeling & watch a romance film.

Notebook soothed me & revived me. Too much of the West Wing's political grown-up dramas, CSI's forensic analysis & reality manipulations on TV have blocked my hope: the genuiness of the Notebook story was like a huge bubble bath for my mind & body.

Do I believe in romance again? I am ready to think so. That's my breakthrough.

control

Who is ever in control of that battle - the heart vs their head ? love makes you go spastic. Desire thwarts sense. They say women are peacemakers, anti-war & should be in charge of armies. We have the inner war going on all the time. The battle over desire, justification, common sense, self-esteem and happiness. Constantly plotting and analysing what the hell I should say, do, act...does HE LIKE ME OR NOT issues.!

My heart enjoyed kissing MrBV. The gentle affection and perfect fit made my heart sing. My head, experienced in his fey charm, knew it was a glitch in his romantic patterns.

So I did what my ego demanded. What therapists say you should do. My heart wanted to be free of the anger...so I did something not unfamiliar to an overwrought teenager in hormonal torture. I wrote him a letter.

Enjoying the sound of the keyboard as I pulled out the words. Watched them take a stand, highlight the events of our meetings and show how I was justified in feeling something for him, but asking for a final comment. 'this is how I have to deal with it' I wrote to him. 'Stay single, MRbv, and I'll go away'.

The beauty of my thoughts on that glowing page. Here was a summary of the back and forward of my emotions with him. I wanted him to know I found it hard to keep dismissing my desire for him. That I had done well up until the night of the party, the night of our first pash. Because, unfortunately it felt bloody good.

I wrote the letter in the morning. The words came together via the night's sleep. By the afternoon, and a bottle of bubbles with Liz later I decided to send it to him. I always think you can deal with that stuff later in the day.

Sending the letter as an attachment, I wrote.
subject line: ????
"instructions: print the attachment. read, then toss. burn or delete.. whatever you think fit.
yours. cat "
time: 5: 13 pm

The reply came back at 5:38pm

"All I can say is I think you are a wonderful girl, I never meant to hurt you and I would never intentionally do it. I am sorry that I have. I did not mean to lead you on.
The night of your birthday I didn't plan what happened, it just happened and I enjoyed being with you. I want you to be happy"

my reply
"thanks. just needed to know something. cheers, cat"

and finally from him
"Just one more thing, I don't give out bottles of Moet to everyone, I just say things like that because I get embarrassed giving presents."

(he said to me 'I give this to everyone' when he presented me with Moet... I now realised I was being dumb & should have teased him on that.... I was playing too sensitive)

Sending the letter did work. I emptied myself of him. Not quite ready for anyone else yet...but I'm closer to being ready for someone.e