Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Two conversations

Tonight is dinner with Mystery Man. He came by on Saturday night when I hosted an old friends catch-up. We were on the 6th bottle of wine or something, sitting on the balcony, covered in blankets (it was about 14deg). He asked why the outdoor heater wasn't on. Something logical in the face of our drunken stupor.

Later he talked to me about the drink driving issue. His mother was injured by a drunk driver and he told me the injuries. Of course I would never intend to hurt anyone, it would be mortifying, but that's what drink driving means, to be that drunk person who injures.

The police experience was like a glimpse at what it could be like, although the next time I could be arrested and charged. A police record does affect many parts of your life. Later this year I could be applying for a new type of business license which involves a police check. I want to know there is nothing to hide and that I'm a responsible citizen.

So rather than thinking 'I'll make it home' its a clear thought... 'The car is staying, definitely can't drive and I'll take a bus or taxi'.

The second conversation was with Polly. She's moved in with her boyfriend this week. It's all been quick but worthy. In fact not hesitating was the key. Just jump.

We were doing our usual chat, what life is doing for us right now, where's our direction - our work. We're both sole operators & it's the self motivation and determination that we encourage each other with, except this time she stopped me.

"Cat, can I speak straight to you? "

"Of course" I trust Polly's skills at saying those hard things in a gentle manner.

"I can hear the resignation in your voice. The acceptance of what is currently and what can only be. For instance, you have already accepted that things will take longer so you'll just be patience, like I'll not allowed to have that achievement right now, or want that goal, because there must be something else I need to learn before I'm allowed to have that."

Polly's boyfriend, said to her, "I always want a relationship, I never stopped looking or trying. I never gave up". Where as we would say to each other...maybe this is not my time, I should put my effort elsewhere, it's not meant to be.

That's the acceptance stuff.

"What do you really want ? " She said. "Ask for it, admit it, expect it."

Later that day I stood on the balcony, looking at the full moon & I clearly said to myself. " I want to get married." Not, I want a boyfriend or relationship...because I want more, I want the ultimate relationship, a marriage.

As I said that phrase, louder and louder in me, I felt relieved. The night sparkled a little more and it felt right. I do want to get married. I do.

1 comment:

k said...

Good for you!
Know it inside - and it will happen!
I want the same :)