Tuesday, May 08, 2007

spewing for a bit

Please don't be alarmed by this post....but I do have to balance this blog sometimes. I'm going to spew out some thoughts..but it's just for my needs..

I want to enjoy my age and my life. I hate that birthdays are seen as negative but we are all seeking wisdom, inner peace and fulfilment. We have to age to get there. It's like you loose by getting older? you haven't achieved ' insert x thing' by a certain age, you are compared to your peers or siblings or elders at same age & you come out the loser.

My rantings will come off as 'bitter' whereas a younger person it's 'youth, energy, drive and immaturity' I don't' feel any different from 16 or 24 or 32. I know most people feel the same, the cheeky teenager, uncertain student or rebellious flat-mate is still submerged in your skin.

But I do have failings, I do have insecurities, regrets, suicidal thoughts, overwhelming resignations, tears and general malaise over my life on some days, at certain times & after external events. Sunday mornings can be hard (see post below) Invitations to christenings or weddings are challenging. Putting on the 'face' & trying to blend in. I now feel a huge gap between my life and the lives of family and friends. Like I'm pushing a tricycle and they are thundering ahead, blowing dust in their six-horse carriages. It's not about 'progressing' but 'experiencing' things. I want to experience a greater range of emotions than what I have already...seemingly stuck on a well-trampled course.

Emotions of partnerships, my own family, building homes and lives together, planning holidays, complaining about toilet seats, timetabling sporting matches, just being exhausted by things other than doing BAS statements and taking calls from phone companies.

Time is torturing my sense of balance. I want to be logical and sensible and reasonable about my life. That I've done nothing 'wrong' to be single is something I am questioning. You can be too passive seeking what you really want.

Desperation is a word I've avoided, like land mines in my path. But the Despos Wall of Time is something I've walked into & it's knocked me down. My panic button has been pressed.

Okay so there is all is , the ugly stuff, the self-pity and frustration.

I just want to get married, have babies and grow herbs and vegies while listening to 80's music. Being a modern woman is acknowledging this as valid and attractive.


Anonymous said...

dear cat,
so sorry to hear your frustration, but - though it's probably of no help - it's not unknown to any of us. sometimes we just don't meet the people we'd feel attracted to. i don't suggest doing this, but in my case the only think that works is detaching completely; in a way giving up but beyond the state of consciously avoiding something. i don't adhere to any strange religion or belief but it seems that renouncing the thought that i NEED something more or less has instant effect. one can want something patiently, and i think that's a good thing. speaks for a clear mind with defined priorities. but when i get obsessed i cannot move on. (i don't mean to suggest any of this is happening here, just my own experience.)
all the very best, you're obviously a wonderful woman, perhaps the gemini in you is getting bored very easily? ;-)
ahh, i read the other day that japanese smileys look like this ^_^(they smile with the eyes only).
a hug from far away!

ameliace said...

I hear ya, Cat...

k said...

I hear ya too!

Cat's Experiment said...

Hi Stella, thanks for your (japanese) hug and your words. It's true that 'letting go' of things, clearing your mind and being stuck on things you dont'have is the cure for this sort of malaise. It's definately what I'm concentrating on for next few weeks. the 'spewing' post is about letting it out. thanks heaps. cat x

hello to ameliace & k... short but very pleasing responses. !

Mish said...

Rants are so important, though! Who cares if they're bitter or not!

TJ said...

Isn't it a joy to be human!!!

Following is an excerpt from Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet"...

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.