Please don't be alarmed by this post....but I do have to balance this blog sometimes. I'm going to spew out some thoughts..but it's just for my needs..
I want to enjoy my age and my life. I hate that birthdays are seen as negative but we are all seeking wisdom, inner peace and fulfilment. We have to age to get there. It's like you loose by getting older? you haven't achieved ' insert x thing' by a certain age, you are compared to your peers or siblings or elders at same age & you come out the loser.
My rantings will come off as 'bitter' whereas a younger person it's 'youth, energy, drive and immaturity' I don't' feel any different from 16 or 24 or 32. I know most people feel the same, the cheeky teenager, uncertain student or rebellious flat-mate is still submerged in your skin.
But I do have failings, I do have insecurities, regrets, suicidal thoughts, overwhelming resignations, tears and general malaise over my life on some days, at certain times & after external events. Sunday mornings can be hard (see post below) Invitations to christenings or weddings are challenging. Putting on the 'face' & trying to blend in. I now feel a huge gap between my life and the lives of family and friends. Like I'm pushing a tricycle and they are thundering ahead, blowing dust in their six-horse carriages. It's not about 'progressing' but 'experiencing' things. I want to experience a greater range of emotions than what I have already...seemingly stuck on a well-trampled course.
Emotions of partnerships, my own family, building homes and lives together, planning holidays, complaining about toilet seats, timetabling sporting matches, just being exhausted by things other than doing BAS statements and taking calls from phone companies.
Time is torturing my sense of balance. I want to be logical and sensible and reasonable about my life. That I've done nothing 'wrong' to be single is something I am questioning. You can be too passive seeking what you really want.
Desperation is a word I've avoided, like land mines in my path. But the Despos Wall of Time is something I've walked into & it's knocked me down. My panic button has been pressed.
Okay so there is all is , the ugly stuff, the self-pity and frustration.
I just want to get married, have babies and grow herbs and vegies while listening to 80's music. Being a modern woman is acknowledging this as valid and attractive.
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2 years ago