back to normal

I was let go from work on Monday. It was the 3 month mark; the end of probation & time to decide. With one week's notice I just wanted to finish a few emails and just get out. They offered to let me walk almost straight away & after completing time sheets I just walked out.

It's the right decision. I want to work in a more digital field - more web and social community based. After 3 months there was no digital work. It was all event marketing, which I was never interested in.

Next week I'm off to Noosa for a week to see my cousin, her kids, my other cousin, her son & various others. One week to just play with the kids (ie. me dancing to Elvis or Coldplay or U2) swim and beverage-on with my lovely cousin. I feel free, like it's school holidays.

I'm sitting at home, with my computer, just been up to the local cafe, flirted with the boys and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be.....actually, yes, but that involves another person & that's not possible right now...so this is the best fun I can have by myself.

In my fantasy version of what happens next, The Traveller invites me overseas on his next trip (in April) & we travel for a few weeks, have a great time getting to know one another via airports, planes and hotels while I blog, visit shops, feel inspired and we hook up at night. The ex-wife dies of something & I inherit two kids, have one of my own, and I write while we both make each other happy. (most of the time).

anyway, back to my 5 yr old computer, phoning the repair people to fix things and spraying the apartment for cockroaches.

happen chance

What are the odds ? That I catch a cab & it's Edith's ex boyfriend who's the taxi driver.

And again this morning (Sunday) . Finally got to the pool for some laps. I joined 3 months ago & have barely gone. Standing at the counter & who walks by, The Traveller, with his 2 kids in tow.
We chat, he introduces me to his two boys. They've just been for a swim.

I looked at their faces and just felt so bad for them. They didn't look like happy kids, they looked harrowed, quiet and sad. The eldest looks like he has lots of worries. The youngest is better but still clings to his Dad.

This divorce and their parents behaviour looks etched on their faces.

Men complain about women showing only their best side. We wear make-up, heels, the good bra and we smell nice. We worry about how we look without make-up & in casual clothes.

When you see the real life that men lead.... their homes, them on the weekends, them with their kids, or at work, then you can really see who they are. So much is front, so much is what we decide to believe too. You know when you're finally taken back to their place & it's really nothing ? the sheets are bad, the kitchen is empty & all the food is from take-away boxes. Isn't it really disappointing ?

Reality is there. We just have to find ways to see that part of them.

Seeing The Traveller and his kids, I can see he is having a bad time with the divorce and the effects on the kids. If something were to ever happen then the relationship will be about making the kids happy too. I could do it, but he'll have to make me happy too.

Perfect almost date

The one I like, the traveller, had emailed me all day. It was Tuesday and he invited me to dinner at my favourite place, Bodega, a cool but atmospheric restaurant in Surry Hills. I got there 10 mins early, was greeted by the two lovely girls who run the place, who know my mother as she teaches her son.
"I'm on a date" I said, "Which is the best spot to sit ? "
"Here at the bar", said Sarah "I notice all the couples who sit here are happy. Now you'll need a drink, can I get you a Cava ? " (Spanish champagne) We did that conspiratorial giggle & I just looked forward to that moment when he'd walk in.

We had a lovely night, until.

He told me about a conversation he had with his ex-wife on Friday night, the night he got back. She wants to try some counselling. The divorce papers are ready to be signed but she wants to make sure. Fair enough.

He said " I just want to look at my kids and say, we both tried. That it wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do. I do know where it will probably go (the results of the counselling) but I'm doing it for the kids and because I just want to get on with her."

There's a coldness that comes over you when you here stuff like that. Your emotions are snap frozen. The air becomes colder & you feel the rotation of the world as your life is brought to a halt.

And yet I know he must do this. He must get on with her. He must sort out any emotional connections or emotional blackmail questions before he can give himself properly to someone.

So he drove me home. "I really enjoy your company, you're a fantastic, interesting person" he said. "maybe we can see a film? "
"of course" I said "we can be buddies"
he looked sad to hear that word. " I'd like to keep a conversation going" I said " You're an interesting person & I really enjoy your company".

We had had some great conversations over dinner, politics, religion....nothing light !
I'll let him call me.

So I slowly walked to my door. It felt like the most symbolic walk I've taken. The closer I got to my door, the more he felt even farther away than the real physical distance he was. His life dynamics were pulling him away from me, like some powerful wind.

There is no waiting in this situation. Life goes on. When he wants or can be back in my world I believe he will with no hesitation. It's best he gets this issue, this important problem sorted.

It's my life firstly

He was delayed a day. Going via another city for work & arrived back on Friday. He texted me that morning. Without any certainty from him, I carried on regardless. No use pinning or expecting. The best way is to carry on with life. Luckily I'm a very busy and important person!

Friday was a wine lunch with clients. It turned into a long afternoon of wine tasting and I had to back up, get dressed again, brush my teeth and get to Skye's 40th Birthday at one of the newest, classiest places in Sydney.

Saturday was dinner at Edith's, then Sunday was lunch at Sandra's...just a typical weekend in my social life! He was glad to hear I was busy.

To be realistic. He has kids, I expected him to want to spend time with them. He's also travelled for three weeks & would want to just relax and catch up with his friends. The best tactic is to be busy...carry on regardless....and did I carry on.

The wine lunch was hilarious. I thought it was just a few wines to try. Turned out to be the official media announcement of the top 28 wines of the year. And they were all on the table to taste...every single bottle. Four hours later we headed up to the top bar for more. I had to extract myself from further invites to get ready for Skye's birthday.

You know when you're pre-menstral and your boobs are puffy and huge? plus you find all the right dresses to wear to show them off. Apparantely it's a biological thing to flash the flesh. Show the plunge and enjoy the wandering male eye. That was me. In the black dress with the plunge.

Skye was looking amazing. She has the best hair. Blonde, strong and flicks so beautifully.

It was a night of fab female love. The type where you adore your friends and let rip with screams and hugs and good times. It helped we got 'special' entry to the latest club in Sydney, the Ivy. It's hot, it's divine and we all went bonkers dancing and drinking champagne.

Oh, and then I did my special dancing tricks. I danced with someone's blackberry down my cleavage & then asked him to call it...
and found a table to do my other special dancing on....the picture shows my fans.

Don't ever worry about turning 40. There is heaps of fun to be had.

(hey, don't worry. I helped all my friends get home. Went via their homes to help them in the door and Louise collasped on my couch. All good clean fun)

while he's away

Last Thursday I got a phone call. He was in NY in a bar, talking to models and jeans designers. It was 2am his morning, 6pm for me. I'm his drunk dialing friend. The one you call when you are happy and just want to tell someone.
He'll be back on Thursday, the 14th.
I could pick him up from the airport, just depends on what time.

Saturday night I had dinner with Holly & Skye. I gave them the update on my one date travelling friend. This man is 42, has 2 kids, his wife is long over & according to our mutual good friends, he just wants someone to enjoy his life with, travel with an laugh with, plus be happy for him & him to be happy with me.

According to Australian statistics, those who divorce or separate mostly remarry between 38-42. It's all the returned goods. Those who have been beaten around a bit & shaped into considerate, interesting men. It's time to find some worthy returns.

Okay, that's all the technical stuff...this should be a place where I tell you the truth.

I love that he has called and emailed and texted me over the last few weeks. I liked him straight away, he's funny & successful and cute and I even like that he's a father (two boys 4 & 7). I can be a step-mother. However, he said to our friends he would like more kids. I could have one.

But he represents a life I've been looking for. A interesting man, a man with plans, with humor and style and someone I feel so comfortable and enlivened and excited by.

Who do I pray to ? God I want this.

Is it possible to know? Only because of our mutual friends, I know where he is from, like the man who is naturally with me in all situations.

I could try to be realistic, but I don't care. Time to see if dreams come true.