Accepting

This dating life just goes on and on. In the last five years my longest relationship would be 3 weeks! No-one just tries bumping along in a relationship, it has to be right or it never happens.

The good part to that is you don't spend too much time with the wrong person. You do the quick brave conversation, either on the phone or in person, don't accept emails or text messages, and then it's all over.

Another good part is most people you meet are single or in a definate relationship. There are no half relationships, or people just sticking together. You don't put up with someone's partner who is wrong for your friend or endure those conversations where she is in denial about the quality of the relationship.

I had a few drinks with a bloke on Sunday afternoon. By then my talking muscle was over-used. I was tired and make-up less and was dying for an afternoon nap. We talked for a few hours and both agreed we wanted alone time to finish the afternoon. He went to watch a DVD and I went home to have a nap. (I am a koala, after all)

Bars and restaurants are for friends. We know what we like, who we like dinning with and what wines we like sharing. Going on a date is stressful. You feel so obvious at the restuarant as you question your tastes in front of the waiter while you negotiate the order. ..do you like chilli ? do you eat meat? do you like red or white ?

Dates should be in supermarkets, hosting lunch or finding the new Ikea store in some far away suburb. The things you do everyday, the events you can't avoid. I'd rather go backwards, start with meeting his parents, do the weekly shopping, move house (his or a friends) and then book a holiday. Prehaps look after him when he has a man-flu and then he has to buy my womens' needs from the chemist. Ah, what fun we could have without a bar, museum or sniggering waiter in site.

So I've accepted that just because you can negotiate a meal together, chat all night and feel the urge to shag him co-incidentally just as the alcohol deepens, it doesn't really indicate a good relationship. Those moments will happen quietly and differently.

Words and Actions

I think women are complicated. I'm an easy going version of womanhood, and I mess things up & confuse myself. Imagine what a high maintenance chick is like. They are hard being friends with, let alone date or make a move.

But men are not so complicated. I'm going to highlight the most obvious and quickest way to understand what they are thinking. The trick is not to over complicate this advice. Don't think he is any different from the rest. He's a bloke and they are all the same, really they are. Yours might be more wordy or most sensitive or more blokey..but they all behave towards you in the same fundamental way.

It can be fun to analyse and dissect and ignore or go in denial about what you really think he's thinking. But this is the the measuring stick to use. Here goes..

Look at what he does, not what he says.

hey ? ! that's too simple. I'm not sure what that means..that's one of those tricky sentences...it couldn't be that easy. How am I supposed to use that ?

Okay I'll say it another way

Action, not words.

Is that easier ? what exactly is action?

Okay here is one of those anecdotes. A friend of mine....(as it always starts) likes this bloke. But he doesn't do anything except every morning & every night he sends her a text message. Just to say hello, or something thoughtful. Ah, how sweet I hear you say. I'd like my bloke to do that.

well... that's all he did, he never organised to see her, was always busy, but would talk about how much he liked her and send text messages.

That, my friends, is emotional torture.

Now another friend (or could be the same one, who knows) also gets sweet messages, but it's directed at her work. He says she is so clever and he's sharing parts of his history with her that he doesn't with others.

She's worried he doesn't say anything direct. But he's always there. He always turns up, gets her a drink, talks to her friends, and organises his life around her commitments.

Now. Here's a quiz. What does the text message man think about my friend? does he really like her ? or the attention.
And what does non-direct man think? does he really like her ? or should she demand some answers ?

mmmm.

words or action?

Mystery Man

I've neglected to let you lot know of an on-going liaison. He's my Mystery Man. Who calls on the moment for drinks or dinner. We talk for hours, drink for hours and then I collapse at his place. Usually after dancing on his couch (it's an ongoing habit I have) or in his car (if you slide down enough you can get your legs through the sun roof, like a synchronised swimmer)

Haven't mentioned him before as it is what it is... a sporadic night out with someone fun and interesting. Sometimes he tries to kiss me & sometimes I do. Sometimes we just fall asleep. He's a playmate..a good male friend and you can try things out on him.

We went out dancing to a retro club. He can salsa dance & I like silly dancing...the kind where you mock-imitate a serious dancer or overstress the dramatics of the song. Can you tell I grew up in the new romantic 80's and hung out in Gay/ Drag Queen clubs ?

My dance persona for the night was 'I tease, but you can't touch..maybe sometimes'. I would shimmy up to him, then push him away. Then dance up to him, drag my hands down his chest, then turn and dance away. I can't keep a serious face so would just burst out laughing.

After 3 hours of this dancing and a few beers we were exhausted. Mystery Man has the best bedroom set up, in terms of sleeping. He's super fussy about noise and light as well as quality of sheets and pillows. It's an invitation for a proper sleep when I go there.

The only problem, and the reason why Mystery Man and I are not fully compatible, is our sleeping patterns. He's a Vampire and I'm a Koala. He sleeps until earliest 11am and goes to bed between 1-3am. I like to get up early, have a nap in the afternoon and then get another 9 hours sleep. Koala's like to sleep, especially after eating gum leaves, it's like dope for them and they are always drowsy. So I'm a Koala. Not doped up but always sleepy.

But that morning I was frisky. Too long between drinks! Had to plan the timing. Firstly I had to sleep-in then get up, have some food and go back to bed. Had to co-ordinate the moment we would be both awake and ready.

After our frisky session I realised we were both sober. Too often things happen last on a big night & the quality of friskiness is diminished. Sober is good. Sober and in the early afternoon.

How normal do you feel after a good romp ? A little bit more alive, a little bit calmer, and a whole lot more connected. No longer just a head with thoughts, your body is back in the mix.

Probably what I like about my Mystery Man is there is no emotional complication. There is no certainty either but I do certainly like a good frisky session with him, both on the dance floor and in his Vampire's lair.

Don't want to work

Not working is not like holidays. It's just not working for someone for 5 days and trying to fit in all your other life activities in the spare time. I can fully occupy myself. Friends, reading, blogging (although a bit inactive lately) running around, attending free cooking classes. It's all rather good fun really. I am lucky I have the shop to keep me occupied for a few days a week (I'm lying - I go there everyday)

I like not working. The day I left the marketing company was a brilliant summer day. I headed for an outdoor cafe, where the leaf filtered sunlight plays across the tables. I felt like myself. Happiest sitting in cafes, pondering the world, writing notes and observing peoples.

In the 4 weeks since leaving work I've traveled to Queensland to visit my cousin, drove down to the South Coast in a convertible for Easter and dreamed away the demons from work. I realised the marketing work was not stimulating for me. The other Account Director telling said 'So all I do is organise meetings ?" to our boss the week before I left.

My big plan is to work part time in a web or digital marketing company, do marketing for the shop (we have a facebook page now!) and write.

The first wish came true last week. An old colleague is looking for an account manager for 3 days a week. He very delightfully said he was really pleased to work with me again. There are more talks and discussions before it's final but it's part of the puzzle.

As for the writing, I had to leave the blog alone for a while. See what happened. Did I miss it ? what else can I write about... I have notebooks all over the place, but what do I want to write about ? is this is way to start ? Starting is about just starting. I really like this blog and it's a good thought dump but I will try something else, not as a blog but a story. If Jane Austen could write her novel using only 20 mins a day, then so can I.

and how's the love life ? I hear you ask. Well I've thought about The Traveller every day. It's a pattern of obsession I have. He hasn't contacted me, which didn't stop me sending a few friendly emails. All I know is the (soon-to-be-ex) wife (my wishful words) is giving him a hard time. But can't do anything else except live my own life. All this emotional stuff does get easier as you get older, but the ache..the little fire you have to share with someone never goes away.