declaration

Friday afternoon & I'm off for the weekend. Just a bunch of friends, some who surf, some with kids, but I have my 'plus one'..! my dog! Can't wait to take her for big walks along the beach and through the bush. She's also doubles as an excellent hot water bottle.

It's still a little cold here..about 18 deg in the day...almost the end of winter.

Last night Mr Enthusiastic came by & declared his interest in me. He'd like to spend more time with me & really likes me. We have had a few good nights out..nothing happens & being vague I had put him in the friend basket, a friend I've drunkenly pashed but not that interested in any more. The physical thing is just not there.

Yes, I will give-it-a-go, try him on for size, etc. Maybe, just maybe he'll grow on me... It would be good if I could magically be passionately interested in him.

Other things are going on in my life. I've been spending half my time with Mum. She needs a carer or someone there to help her do everything. The radiation treatment really exhausted her. She sleeps almost 18hours, has to be helped to walk & has almost lost her hair.

Two days ago she let out a yell. We'd switched the pay TV to Fox news... Mum loves US politics and the Democrats convention had just started. She came alive watching the almost 24hour coverage. The day Hilliary spoke she didn't have an afternoon sleep. It was lovely to see her more alert, more physically able.

How does all this affect me...lots of lovely people are asking me & being very considerate... I'm just in action mode... I am enjoying my time with Mum. She's a funny woman & very kind to all of us...it's such a strange but rewarding situation, but it's because her essence is still very much there..her facial squints of disapproval, her soft smile & her cryptic way of expressing herself. As her hair matted and fell out, she said it 'was like China' huh? I said, thinking of cups of tea, porcelain, delicate or something to do with China and tea... ' Birds nest' was the answer. Her hair was like the Birds Nest, the Olympic stadium in Beijing, China.

Substance abuse is also my coping mechanism. I have to have a few glasses of wine every night. And a few cigarettes. And walk my dog....so glad to get that yapping, chewing dog

realisation

Lunch went until 9pm. There are some photos on Facebook, of the Truffles we ate, my old friends and The Traveller. I did wear the plunging top then put on scarf which covered it all up. I'm useless.

So what happened ? I got to tell the 'being arrested' story. Which happened the night I saw him last. And where my business is going, but these stories were told to the table.

I just thought, he's lovely, he's nice but he doesn't really like me, enough. And I didn't feel like trying. So I didn't sit next to him, I didn't ask him how his family is... he asked me about Barack Obama (we both like US politics)..but essentially there was no light, he didn't give off any flirt vibes. I've had his attention before & the difference was obvious...not rude, but just not there.

He left at 6pm, while a bunch of us stayed on.

So this morning, it felt over. In my mind anyway. A sad feeling, but an answer nonetheless.

Argh! Sunday lunch

Do I wear the cleavage top? silly question, of course I will. Sunday lunch is for Basil and his 40th. He's buying a truffle & cooking us all lunch. The Traveller will be there (I bloody hope so, after all this!)

I don't know what impresses Men anymore... cleavage, blonde hair ? a father who owns a pub. Well, I'm going to run a bar and I have the cleavage, so the blonde hair will have to wait. But I'm doing it for me. One thing about being older is you don't care to suit someone else's fantasies or ideals...you either like them or not & vice versa.

I just had a jewish guy in the store...I like jewish men, he was funny and touched my arm a few times... The Traveller is jewish, but he definately doesn't want a jewish wife, we spoke about this a few times. His ex is anglican. Being a catholic is appealing to him...we've had great conversations about religion and found so many parrallels...religions have many similarities and I feel comfortable that he enjoys his spirituality and religion, but it's his & mine is mine. Each to ourselves but fully respected.

Another thought that calms me, being 41 now, I'm resolved about not having children. I love my nieces, my cousins and my godchildren & everyone else's kids, but have no desire to have my own. There are too many things to do. Also not good at that kind of responsibility. My dog is enough.

It also feels like a deadline to have a child now & the risks are that much higher. Taking that pressure off to procreate is a relief, not a regret.

The pressure in it's place is to live a full life. To do those things which are harder for those with kids. To write & to build my next business. (details to come)

anyway... I didn't think about Sunday lunch for about 10 mins then. Panic is back. Don't panic...stay calm, I'm telling myself. Argh!

Posting from elsewhere

Mum is asleep downstairs, Antiques Roadshow is on cable & I'm at their house caring for Mum for a few hours. She got home from hospital yesterday after finishing radiation treatment.

I want to manage my time better. All I do is walk the dog, see Mum, go to the shop & drink. I feel fat & unproductive. How can I look good for Sunday lunch?

Sunday is lunch at best male friends house, Basil & his wife Lavender. It's his 40th & he's cooking lunch & bringing out the special wines, stored for peak maturity in his 40th year. There are 8 people for lunch, including, The Traveller. I am interested to see him again, of course. Always good to follow up on past interests and see if 'the liking' is still there or was entirely self created.

I'll be using cheap but effective beauty methods. A razor for the legs, facecloth for the body & face & a good long shower with lots of smelly stuff. That won't help the hair colour re-growth, but at least it'll be clean.

But I take a new philosophy. It's like a new secret weapon for me...a thought position that protects me from unwanted emotional responses, like lust & drunken desire.

I only like people who are interested in me.

Blokes who ask questions, look at me & not the crowd & take the conversation to that tangent you create together. For instance, last weekend at lunch, we had plates of prawns. I was playing with my prawn & imitated a mini scream as I ripped off it's head. Then I made a ringing sound & passed my friend a prawn 'It's for you' I said. He placed in on his ear and said 'Hey it's a blue-tooth-prawn.'

Now back to doing my laundry & ironing everything in sight...so I'll have something to wear on Sunday.

The Challenge begins

Four days after my last post in June, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. She's in hospital this week undergoing radiation treatment. We've been given a time frame & are working on quality of life for her. She's 67 on Saturday and had to resign as a Kindy teacher (to 2 & 3 yrs old) because of the illness. Her granddaughter is one of her students.

Lucikly the hospital is very close to all of us & family and friends have been amazing. Flowers arrive daily, the visitors book is filled with people saying hello & leaving magazines and saying prayers (something I've taken up again)

So many people have told me their carer stories...looking after a parent, younger brother or friend in palliative care & how they just gave up as much time as possible to spend with them. I ran into an ex colleague on Saturday who looked after her younger brother for 9 months while he suffered from motor neurone disease ( like the book The Diving Bell and the Butterfly) We both shed tears in the street, the freezing cold street halfway between two pubs when she told the story.

Dad called me yesterday, asked if I was sitting down. That coldness runs through you as you wonder what he's been told, has Mum's time been cut short ? No, a friend's wife just died, fell over in the street and had a heart attack. Sue was the same age as Mum, and part of their wonderful circle of friends, the kind you know as a child and had holidays with.

Is it better to have a parent pass quickly or slowly? is this preparation time a gift ? Yes it is. I'm talking to my sister almost daily, I'm seeing the generosity of aunts and cousins, the tears of friends as I tell them & the intelligence and compassion of the staff at St Vincents Hospital.

We're collecting photos of mum, from her work life with kids to her with the grand children. You know how everyone has boxes of photos or files on their computer but they are never put all together ? that's our current project. When people ask us what they can do we ask for photos. We'll put them in a book using a system like Lulu... a special book for her, for us and for anyone who wants to see what she means to children.

Photo: Mum & the three of us.