Argh! Sunday lunch

Do I wear the cleavage top? silly question, of course I will. Sunday lunch is for Basil and his 40th. He's buying a truffle & cooking us all lunch. The Traveller will be there (I bloody hope so, after all this!)

I don't know what impresses Men anymore... cleavage, blonde hair ? a father who owns a pub. Well, I'm going to run a bar and I have the cleavage, so the blonde hair will have to wait. But I'm doing it for me. One thing about being older is you don't care to suit someone else's fantasies or ideals...you either like them or not & vice versa.

I just had a jewish guy in the store...I like jewish men, he was funny and touched my arm a few times... The Traveller is jewish, but he definately doesn't want a jewish wife, we spoke about this a few times. His ex is anglican. Being a catholic is appealing to him...we've had great conversations about religion and found so many parrallels...religions have many similarities and I feel comfortable that he enjoys his spirituality and religion, but it's his & mine is mine. Each to ourselves but fully respected.

Another thought that calms me, being 41 now, I'm resolved about not having children. I love my nieces, my cousins and my godchildren & everyone else's kids, but have no desire to have my own. There are too many things to do. Also not good at that kind of responsibility. My dog is enough.

It also feels like a deadline to have a child now & the risks are that much higher. Taking that pressure off to procreate is a relief, not a regret.

The pressure in it's place is to live a full life. To do those things which are harder for those with kids. To write & to build my next business. (details to come)

anyway... I didn't think about Sunday lunch for about 10 mins then. Panic is back. Don't panic...stay calm, I'm telling myself. Argh!