Taking a break

Work took me to an area of Sydney yesterday I'd be meaning to visit. I'd just had a negative work conversation and was feeling a little bitter. I'd had to walk a long way to chase this woman to ask her a favour & she said no. It really did upset me & I started to get a little teary.

My final reason for being in the Pyrmont/ Ultimo area was not over, I wanted to join the new Ian Thorpe Aquatic Centre. It's a brand new centre, architecturally designed (by Harry Seidler) and is run by the council & the YMCA, as a non-for-profit. It's beautiful. The building, the facilities, the views back to the city.

This is what I need to do, get my physical health back. Thrash it out in the pool, try some gym classes, they even have a boxing class !

I used to do Power Yoga three times a week or go swimming a minimum of 2kms each morning. Over winter, for the first time in 10 years I lost my interest in exercise. I just wanted to sleep, relax, read books...be a complete slob. Even though I mentally knew I should exercise I just had no interest.

The warm weather has just started & that's almost motivating enough. Joining the ITAC is the final answer. What's brilliant is you pay $45 per fortnight & get to attend any class from spin, to boxing to pilates, plus use the pool, steam room and sauna. Gotta love council run businesses.

Membership starts on Monday.

My second interview with the Marketing company is Tuesday.

I'm taking a break from boys and dating. Getting fit & getting my dream job is October's focus.

taking some blame

For future purposes I will not tell a bloke I like, even if it's really good, anything about the blog. Even before I do, I'll prepare a series of leading questions like..."how do you feel about anonymous confessional blogs?"
"Do you have any secrets you'd like to share, I'll tell you one of mine, but you first! "
"What are your thoughts on privacy ?"

Voice Man was reading the blog in between the non-contact period & some of my thoughts would have put him off, that I want a good relationship & am ready for one...which is hard for me to finally acknowledge, being the Princess of Subtlety

I knew the risk. Although not directing my goals at him specifically, I was being truthful to me. I don't want to be embarrassed, guilt ridden or ridiculed. My needs are fairly reasonable...to meet someone good & build some life or partnership together. I didn't make any deliberate postings..I only think of the topic that day or moment I sit at the keyboard.. they are just the thoughts swirling around demanding an escape path.

I never expected that Voice Man would turn out like it did & that there would be 4 weeks between that Tuesday of no-sleep and the final phone call. In that time we didn't see each other, barely spoke, rain checked our nights 3 times & he had his birthday party. Even before my thoughts were on-line, he was misbehaving. I didn't want to feel stifled by what he was thinking about what I was expressing. Just let it all out, sick of keeping my desires a secret.

I did make the mistake of telling him about the blog & yes it did contributed to his decision, I'm sure.

Lesson learned: keep some secrets.

and the answer is...

Where was I Sunday afternoon? at Voice Man's gig or enjoying the view from Bondi Icebergs?

Let me take you back. The day after the last post, Thursday, was my monthly visit to the psychologist. We had only discussed financial and work issues, but this time is was the issue of assertiveness and self-esteem.

What I really needed was the strength to call him & put myself out of misery. The session turned into an episode of 'anger management' with me practising to the psych the phone call break up speech. I did my usual polite/ funny/ understanding speech & yet it didn't feel right. She asked me why I was letting him off the hook? was I being nice because I carried some hope?

I took a deep breath and started again.. the anger at him ignoring me, the anger at not being invited, the anger at him asking for my opinion and then ignoring me again. It all started coming out; my fear of my anger being out of control didn't' happen. I was vocally determined to say my bit, not suppress it. By knowing I could say everything I was lightened.

Later that night I called him. Frustratingly it went to voice mail. Even here I left a angry message ' Hi, call me back, you'll probably ignore this message but anyway, would be good to speak'

I went to Facebook & deleted him as a friend. I don't want reminders.

He called back. I wanted to get in first. "I won't be coming to your gig this Sunday, we should finish this and say it's over' He agreed. He was putting it off, calling me back. Instead of just laughing it off, I wanted to tell him the things that I was upset by.

'Why did you ask for my opinion & then ignore me? ...I really haven't enjoyed the last few weeks, it's been more upsetting than you realise "
It felt good to really say my bit.

"Sorry", he said, "I'm a bit of a mess. I've been reading your blog & you seem to want something else and really I'm not a good catch. I hesitated calling you these last few weeks."

"I suspected that was what you were doing, I know you can behave better than this." it keep on coming out ! "I will want my DVD back."

"I'll mail it too you, what's your address?

"And I've deleted you as a friend on Facebook, don't want any reminders' "Fair enough"
"So anyway, good luck with the gig'
"uh, thanks"

clunk.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It does take a while to work yourself up & say what really hurts you.. this should make it easier in the future to say what ails & pleases me, rather than play nice.

undecided

Should I go to Voice Man's gig this weekend ? or should I just delete him ?

Last week Voice Man asked for my thoughts in an email. He said 'there are no wrong answers' So I told the truth, I'd like to see him again. I had taken a back step because of his birthday & the non-invite, but thought it was still worth pursuing, seeing what would unfold.

Obviously it was a wrong answer because that was Friday and it's now Wednesday.

I am really calm about it all, really I am. The frustrating bit is the 'not seeing' him bit. The one where you can answer all your internal questions just by seeing and talking to them again.

The reason I am calm is the myriad thoughts I'd had about my own existence in the last few days. I am determined to respect myself, gently demand it in others and focus on integrity, kindness and that extra sense of considered urgency you put into a relationship with someone you really like. That feeling of knowing it's special, the constant surprises you get when you're in their company; the 'oh, no, really ? ' responses.

There are two options. I can go to his music gig this Sunday. I wouldn't make a scene..but kinda interested to hear him perform, especially if they play "love is a battlefield", a particular favourite of mine.

Or I can forget about it & show him his behaivour is not good enough, and delete him from Facebook, my phone & my astro chart page. (I have a file on the astro web site & it saves all your charts ) That would be about everything, except I want my DVD back. I gave him my original copy of the Catalyst program (the show I was on) so I'd have to get that back.

Okay, vote please !

asking the colour rose

I'd never heard of Aura-Soma, a colour therapy system based on choosing bottles of colour. It was one of those Sunday afternoon things to do, walk around the local markets, stroll around a different suburb and happen upon a new store with pretty coloured bottles & a offer to colour consult you for $25. "why not" is the answer....

The Colour Rose is the shop name in the Sydney suburb of Balmain. It's all white with pretty coloured bottles all displayed. You pick 4 bottles & the consultant reads your purpose and energy via the colours chosen. I know even writing this it sounds bizarre, yet sometimes it takes a odd concept to untap hidden meanings and desires. Look at ink spots!

The consultant was a warm 47 yr old, I liked her straight forward manner & it turned out to be a good conversation about colours and their influences. We all know 4 yr old girls love pink, then 60 yr olds love purple & goths love black. So I love cornflower blue, girly pink & a good shot of hot red. These were all interpreted to mean certain emotions and attitudes. The blue is my signature colour & it transforms me when I wear it. My favourite cashmere hoodie, that cost me a small fortune 4 years ago, is this colour & I wear it to death.

The red bottle I choose represented the energy I have for life at the moment.

What really emerged was my desire for love. It's my biggest hurdle & greatest desire to bond with someone. The hurdles come from within me. I have a tendency to be over-critical about myself. I'm really hard on my perceived errors.

I'm going to take some time out from all the dating confusion. I need more physical energy & with the weather getting more delightful, it's almost a relief to stop thinking about men for a while & just start looking after me for a while & to love myself a bit more too.

Phones

Wednesday while rushing home to perfume up before heading to a Blog debate, I was listening to 2ser-fm. The hosts were talking about the recent Apec protests & had a guest, who had participated in the protests & was talking about his blog. They commented that his blog name was very boring & listeners should call in and suggest a new name. Co-incidentally I had been thinking of some names for another blog ( about marketing and web). The word 'agitpropster' was on my list... I think it means an agitator, or pot-stirer. However it's wasn't right for me, but maybe for someone who goes to protests. So I dialled the station

It always takes so long to get through & so I kept getting ready & waited for the phone to answer..of course, I decided to quickly use the toilet & that's when they answered, just before the flush. They put me straight onto the Blogger & he loved the name. Next thing he invites himself to the Blog debate. " I'm bald and am wearing a t-shirt with a drum on it", he said. It was a debate about Blogging vs Talkback Radio, so it was strangely appropriate.

I'll call him, The Agitator.

After the debate I went to the only bald t-shirt wearing bloke in the audience and introduced myself. It was him & it was hilarious to go from a radio talk in the afternoon to appearing at a debate a few hours later. I knew about 10 other people at the debate & we all went to the bar across the road, including The Agitator. Turns out he's a well-know communication strategist & he's 27 & another bloody Virgo.

After a few too many free drinks & a late night meal I went to look for my phone. The Agitator had left a message, and so had TypeA-SuperFit, his usual rude booty text message & I need my phone to set my alarm. I couldn't find it anywhere. Next day I rang all the places I'd been & no luck.

Life without a phone is weird. Being so modern I don't have a phone at home. The only way to talk was either real life or via email.

I bought a temporary number & go an old phone from the cupboard. I've had 4 offers of old phones, it's amazing how many we all have!.

The phone has lots of old messages in it, from 3 years ago. I had saved 43 messages from one old boyfriend, Ads, & it was such a delight to read them.

"Hi Gorgeous, Hope life is sweet and the shoes are selling. Miss your lovely soul. Say Hi to everyone for me. Ads xxx"

The messages are all like this. I don't miss him, I just miss the genuineness of the message, that someone was that nice to me. I went out with him for 6 months. He is a delight but not right, we both knew that so no pain afterwards.

Seeing all those messages & remembering the easy fun times we had (he is a Virgo & loved to cook, btw) I physically felt different reading the messages...there was no stress, no confusion, no analysing...just lovely and real.

At that moment I thought of Voice Man. We were emailing this week & still haven't caught up. I sent him a reply on Friday morning & haven't heard from him, which is upsetting. It's not that I don't like him or want to see him, but when there's no contact I have to accept he's not interested. I'm really sick of twisting myself in knots. I want more of the easy, real, non-confusing messages...not the no-messages. Kinda of simple really, I think.

Pre-emptive strikes

I had a lovely lunch with Lisa & Alison today. Lisa's just given birth to twins & Alison is pregnant with her second. We are the original 3 girl team from school & university. Over the years there's been many meals, bottles of wine & great conversations. Recently our monthly dinners have become essential to our sanity. There is a level of advice and comfort we've taken from each other ...and some of it is quite direct.

To tell them that my love life is still confusing is just tedious. Not because they aren't interested, but because we are all sick of it...it's a never-ending story. We all want a happy ending & it's taking longer than my mortgage commitments to eventuate.

They sense my frustration & although interested in my stories, because they are interesting after all, a theme is emerging. The men are all running away, not trying, making pre-emptive decisions about relationships before we've even had a chance to get past the nervous stage. I'm turning into a wreck. I question myself over every detail & quite honestly I'm tearing myself up over everything. Alison said I don't deserve to torture myself, as they know I'm not pushy or needy or anything...in fact I'm too nice & patient and friendly.

Quite literally I've been rejected for 10 years straight.... which is harsh on my self-esteem. Thank goodness for my little white pills (zoloft) keeping me from hitting rock bottom. As a naturally cheerful person, this is getting to me.

I don't want to sound depressed....just having a moment to take stock and just forget about boys for a while. The annoying thing is I can't even cry anymore, which I feel like doing.

(Stacey, does kickboxing really work for this type of frustration? )

Dear Reader, remember this blog is a good way to vent, so glad I have this outlet...my most reliable relationship this year.

you know

There are those special moments of clarity when you know what you really want.

In this case it's not a certain person or specific plan.. there is no named place I want to move to, or person apart from me who can compliment this idea. This is how the plan starts. I have to want it first. Then the person/people match this. But I'm more sure this is where I need to move towards.

Where are my thoughts? I am on the cusp of a life change. Specifically I have biological needs and I don't want to be embarrased by them or belittled by the media's image of a single 40 yr old woman. I'm just me & it's me who's come to this decision.

It starts in me. Where I have more to give. More to do, more to want to love & be responsible for. Like an architect, I have a plan and I want to build something personal and special. There are a number of things I would like to do. Really basic stuff, but it's now time, increasingly so. Delightfully so,...that is to have a goal and a real goal of desire.

I want ...

A partner
A home
A family

The variables are built in. The goal is the same.

The right partner is still unknown, but I have no preconceptions. The home is what it is when I'm there with the partner. The family is any combination. I could have step kids, adopted, foster or my own, which I realise I would like to try for.

It's about building something. Which only two people can build together because they want to.

I've had enough of this self-sustaining life. Of creating my own fun, my own entertainment. I want to really love someone, get annoyed with someone & discover parts of me and him which you can't in a friendship or work environment.

I don't know myself in this way i.e. in a committed relationship. I've never had a relationship past 2 years, never lived with anyone...and I'm so bored with my predictability. A long term relationship is my South Pole, my bungy jump or hand-brake turn. ! something I've never done before !

Rarely do I have such a strong desire. A focused need. Yet it's a relief to have a goal.

As Rachel would say. "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen"

updates

Friday (yesterday) was a public holiday as Sydney is hosting a political conference, APEC. So much for lying around relaxing. Louise has just moved & needed her TV & Internet hooked up. I'm the tech friend, the one who knows how to put plugs back together. Darling Louise was divorced last year & has her two girls to support on a teacher's salary. I walked into her flat & she was in tears. The enormity of her decision and current life had hit her, as often does when you finally stop after much change. She's the strongest most kind hearted friend, always makes me laugh & has feed me many times over the years.

It took a few hours to hook everything up. We talked about everything, naturally, while having cups of tea, deciding where things should go & wondering why we have so many things. My joy came from helping her & having a good laugh at our lives. Neither of us can understand how we got here. She, living in a 2 bed flat with sprayed concrete ceilings & her two girls, me, stubbornly single, living with my brother & his fiancee.

Then I drove around dropping off clothes and visiting suppliers. 4pm. I took Skye to the airport. After umpteen years she's off around the world after being retrenched recently. It's one of those serendipitous moments. She wanted to leave and travel & suddenly the company closed & she got a pay-out.

Taking someone to the airport always opens up your own travel thoughts. I have no interest in travel as I have so much to do here. There's a new job on the horizon, things to sort at the shop & well, boy stuff to ponder over. Tonight I was scheduled to see Voice Man.

I rang Polly & dropped into hers for a quick catch-up at 6pm. Tiredness suddenly overcame me & then I could smell myself ! I'm minding Marilyn's house & haven't brought enough perfume & was a day late in washing my hair. I felt yuck.

Voice Man was working on a project, despite the public holiday & I just couldn't meet him in my smelly, tired state. I called and cancelled. So we've rain-checked for Tuesday instead....it's like that book, Tuesday's with Morrie... this time it's Tuesdays with Voice Man.

& I proceeded to plow through a bottle of wine and half a pack of ciggies. Two single girls having dinner ! After mobile phone, blogging and tech discussions, we talked relationships & astrology...that chick is so knowledgeable & has the same diverse interest. Technical & spiritual, along with a healthy interest in wine.

Like any half-pissed chicks talking about relationships, I asked her if she had any tarot cards...boy, did she! she collects them ! She did a reading for me & I did one for her (I don't have any skills, I just went with my gut). What did the reading say? all the good stuff... relationships, work, my strengths, but also a focus on 'Integrity'. It's been my word of the week. I realised to have a relationship based on integrity I have to be that myself. To be this is about authenticity, standing up for myself, feeling the pull from the gut about what I want to do & say and who to be with. So half of it is my journey & happy to do so. A goal worth pursuing.

A shift has also occurred with my thoughts on Voice Man. The urgency is gone. That unrealistic pressure you put on yourself about what it all means, and what's happening. It's a relief & I just want to get on with him....to be realistic about who he is, and vice versa.

Single Girl's Dinner

There's a familiar theme amongst us... apart from tortured thoughts on males & that's how we dine at night, at home alone

Sitting here with a half-finished bottle of wine, slab of brie & internet connection I realise we have similar dietary habits.

Dressage: tracky bottoms (long ago they were for yoga) , ugg boots & today's smugged make-up.

In the fridge is a half-eaten take-away meal. It's from a pseudo home-cooked take-away place. At least it feels like I cooked it. Some meals taste better microwaved the next day ? don't you think ?

Vino in some form. Tonight it's a Spanish red.

Cheese always features. I like brie, but I have no idea the diff between Camembert and brie... may be a fat percentage in the wrong direction.

A glass of water for dehydration. Again the balance is falling the wrong way.

Mobile phone is within reach....remaining stubbornly quiet.

And sneaking out for a fag to starve off lack of fresh air. So I tell myself.

... then more boy thoughts before snuggling into clean sheets. Sometimes it's nice to be home alone.

Mysterious Forces

Hard to explain the exact feeling but there are times in your life when you know things are about to change but you don’t know how. The old way is not working. Things you liked to do are no longer appealing…in a more ‘grown-out-of-it’ way. Even some groups of friends are laborious. ..you suddenly feel a huge disconnect and don’t know why. There is no separation pain from this past pleasures. The bond has magically disappeared and you are left with an easy nothing.

Case in point - a costume birthday party last Saturday night. All the usuals, TCPP, Darren, MrBV. There is nothing I like more than a good dress-up. Mashing up items in my wardrobe to fit the theme is my idea of a good time. Just recently I borrowed a pink wig to attend a party for an hour. I’m more likely to over do it than under.

I had absolutely no interest in going. None in dressing up and not even in having a drink amongst hard drinking friends. I just had a sense of repetition. Of performance rather than genuine participation. So unlike me to want to skip a party! But I wasn’t worried. Spent the night watching bad cable TV with Marilyn.

This week I’m staying at Marilyn’s house. A lovely terrace in Paddington complete with Foxtel and heated bathroom floors. She’s at a health retreat and I’m having a solitary study week (interspersed with outings and visits). So far I’ve done a walk every morning around the local harbourside park, taken text books to the cafe & stayed off Facebook…surprisingly easy as there’s only dial-up here.

What am I studying? business books about social networks & new economics. My brain is firing off at me and ideas are pouring out. I want to get this next job.. the one with the marketing company. So I’m hiding away and absorbing everything possible. Haven’t felt this excited, brain wise, for a long time.

The mysterious forces are linked to this work change. It’s the biggest change to my life since opening the store 4 1/2 years ago. It’s the re-invention of Cat. I only half know where I’m going. The rest will be as it comes.

Coming Together

While walking home from the bakery this morning, the insights of last night’s huge dream and my current confusing love life came together in one of those ‘ping’ moments.

In my dream I was chasing away rats, telling old boyfriends how it was, living in a castle ( a modernised one, complete with internet connections) finding my way on maps & doing research in lighting speed.

Will tell you how all this fits together later on.

Ever since I went on Catalyst it’s been about putting forth my needs, being honest with emotions and just being a known flirt. Before that time I was really over-sensitive about my feelings. I had had crushes on friends and never told them. Went to parties and never tried to flirt with the one I liked. I dressed very formal and generally got so worked up I would have to drink a bit to even have some courage. The first kiss was monumental to me, I got all nervous when I really started to like someone & probably forgot who I was as it progressed. More often I was the dumpee, too overwhelmed to really see what a relationship was really about. I live through my emotions.

The show allowed me to release my inner flirt. I danced on couches, flicked my hair, wore more waist and bust defining dresses and heels. Then I learnt when a guy was or wasn’t interested, then learned not to take the reaction personally. I choose how far to go, I made up the rules. I talked more frankly with friends. They read this blog (all five of them) and know what I get up to.

I’ve done a lot of pash and dash. Lots of dates, lots of honest conversations & meet a bunch of really nice blokes and then understood myself, whether I liked them or I was liking them because they paid me attention. Finally learnt to make that distinction. I had the choice depending on if it was equally good for me. Self -esteem is hard to learn but easy when you get there.

However, the pendulum had swung a bit too far. I was serial flirting. At parties I could flit around to each group, pay the boys lots of attention, take numbers, send texts and keep the flirt going during the week with emails and facebook pokes.

I will flirt for the rest of my life. Too me it’s a form of being charming, to make people loosen up, not be so serious. I ‘m nice to the coffee shop people, the newsagent, the waitress … whoever I can make smile makes my day too. (I can be grumpy too…balance is important)

This is where the dream comes into it. I chase rats away and get annoyed with boyfriends who avoid any responsibilities or are selfish. Because getting rid of the bad ones will allow a true honest man to arrive. It’s not the amount of flirting I do, it’s the quality of it. I’m bringing integrity back (not sexy) . I have a real sense of a man who is solid, has convictions, is grown-up about being responsible & knows how to truly love. That fullsome, honest, real, embracing, realistic version of love. He’s also a bit of a dag, endearingly so.

Today is the first of Spring…well timed for a day of cleaning, both metaphorically and physically. The ipod is playing Simon & Garfunkel, my dag housework music, and I’m ready to chase out the rats and get some integrity