What do you want ?

in a man?

are you specific or general ? do you think too much about what you don't want ?

It's not height or money or occupation or fitness level, but I want a man who takes life by two hands. Doesn't phaff, doesn't hesitate & weigh up the risks while the opportunity passes.

Too often I think of things I don't want , but not enough about what I do want. Time to focus more on the likes & desires.

There are too many boring men in this world. They can be interesting for a few dates, easy to chat but not a good laugher or have a good perspective on life and even...the most telling aspect, have no goals beyond financial security.

So....

Last night I was invited to dinner at a friend's house. One of my best old mates. He and his wife are great cooks, have good wines and every now and then have you over for dinner and you just relax, laugh and ...well, drink a little too much, laugh a bit too much but walk away feeling that's how couples with two kids, good jobs and an organised way to host a dinner are. It's informal, there are dogs and casual clothes, loud moments and plate after plate of good food, which you don't gobble, but take bites of, then stop as you enjoy.

The aim of last night was to introduce me to a recently single friend. Someone I've known but not known, heard of, but not really spent time with. It didn't matter if he wasn't right, the night would be good otherwise.

But it wasn't to be. He walked in, wearing a Paul Smith jacket, carrying a bottle of Grosset champagne (a man with champagne!) and just started telling funny stories, asked me lots of questions, used my name a lot & like me, likes to put on accents and tell stupid stories with no point but to show the stupidity of co-workers or people in supermarkets.

It just felt so comfortable, we all relaxed into a long night of talking & laughing. His favourite film is Ferris Bueller...so is mine. My favourite genre is American teen films like Bring it on, Pretty in Pink etc.

He has two kids, that's how it is...he cooks, he wears nice clothes and he's cute. Tall, lots of dark hair (on his head) and shaves his legs, because he cycles. I think my legs were hairier than his !

So he's off to NY for 3 weeks on Thursday. He blurted out, Can you pick me up from the airport ? (only 10 mins from my house) ..and I like picking people up from airports. It's fun. Travellers are relieved to be home & not have to wait for a cab.

Apparently his ex-wife never picked him up. She missed out on some fun.

We shared a taxi ride home. We pashed in the back of the cab. He asked me what he could bring back from NY for me.. I couldn't think of anything. Any ideas?

10 days off !

After working for 4 weeks, the company is closed until Jan 2nd. I can't tell you how much I've looked forward to this time. After 5 years out of corporate life, the last 4 weeks have been tough on my sleeping-in life and my afternoon nap life and my do-it-when-I-please life. Of course I woke up at 6am on the first day off. My body very quickly realised this was an error and has fallen back into 8am starts instead.

I have a house guest for this time too. Jessica from London who likes snorkeling and swimming. We've hit it off right from the start & have fallen into 4 activities... sleeping, reading, swimming and martini's.

Xmas Eve I had a small drinks party at home. To combat fancy food fatigue I decided to have a sausage sizzle complete with white bread and squeeze bottle sauces. Jessica suggested ducking out for a martini before the guests arrived. Two fabulous martini's from the Water Bar later I was ready to great guests. I love learning new ways to host parties better!


There is that moment in the evening when everyone is sitting around, absorbed, engaged, relaxed. That's my moment, being able to set up the situation for my friends to come together and relax & I love that there were kids, babies, singles and marrieds. My grown up moment....well until I put on 'Do they know it's Christmas " circa 1985 & insisted everyone sing.

As for love : I just feel good about myself. The apartment is feeling more like me, the new job is underway & well, if it's not there then I can't worry.

off to have a swim & think about New year's resolutions.

My new life

How's the view ? this is from the rooftop at work. I always like standing next to big blokes as I look small and petite. Notice the glass ? it was the day of the Xmas party & we were warming up with some afternoon beverages.

I could talk about the Xmas party, but I'd rather fill you in on the last few weeks. Thanks to K & SillyV for your promptings..I do appreciate your interest....and will try to make this worthwhile.

Work is both hard and amazing. I've really found an extraordinary company to work for & the people really make it. When I was paid on Friday I also thought, shit...better make them think I'm worth this...cos being paid is such a relief. No more watching the daily sales figures and doling out the small amounts of cash.

My brain is being reorganised every day. Sometimes I can't talk as the words won't come out...my brain is so absorbed in comprehension.

There are lots of lovely men at work but it feels more like a school group. We just have fun, be serious when needed and talk ideas and strategies. It's just nice to take the edge off the situation and just be me. It's a contented but stretched contented feeling because you're taken for your contributions and helpfulness, not your superiority or bossiness.

A group of us have found a mutual love of Duran Duran & have taken to quoting different lyrics. No wonder I like it so much.

This all leads to a new version of Cat's approach to Men. I'm not interested in pursuit, not interested in false starts or contrived flirtations. His interest has to be genuine in both interest and effort. I'm not here to satisfy his ego, nor mine. Would rather pack up early and go home (as if...I'm always the last ! ) so I talk to people and just enjoy myself....or dance like a maniac.

I feel relieved to take the need for effort from me. It's not something I always have to actively pursue...cos that gets tiring. I like my friends and my life too much to be absorbed by incomplete attractions.

new start

I was so unnerved by my first day at this new work. I hardly slept, despite taking a sleeping tablet & almost slept through the alarm. I really want to be organised for this work & even had my outfit layed out.

Now let me go back a few weeks. 2 weeks ago I saw a psychic, a woman I had seen earlier this year & liked her style. My thoughts are about work only. The releasing of financial stress & desire to work with good people has been my focus. She laid out the cards & said, "this is about work, there's a lot of money coming through". You can already tell I got the job, however by the final interview I was a little disinterested. The process was so long: my interest was waivering. She said to tell them...another aspect of being more truthful and less 'pleasing'. On the positive side she said they'll find out how useful I am when I get there, right now they aren't sure where I fit in. It was good to have an insight to their thoughts.

Once we got past the work & living arrangements, we finally go onto love. She said there was someone coming through work. I don't want someone at this work, as it's taken too much to get there. She said he'd be via work, but not at this work. He's intelligent, caring & has had one bad break-up, maybe even kids, but he'll be my soul mate.

Now I dislike this expression. It's been overused & cloyingly referred to in destructive relationships.

I may feel different after a few good months of work. Right now I'm in one of those 'not interested' stages: which I find a relief.

Suddenly November

This year has been difficult but momentus. Everything has changed except my name. Now it's suddenly November and it feels like a different year...is it because of Summer ?

The weather is such a tonic. Long twilights, still fresh mornings, insane greeness and colour. (all observed from inside with lap-top).

The other reason it feels like a different year is within me & what's changed externally. I'm sitting in my apartment where a week ago my brother and his fiancee moved out. I bought a couch, a bed and a tv from ebay & yesterday moved, cleaned and arranged the place. It actually feels like I live here. I even cooked & suprised myself with it's taste.

In the morning I walked into the shop (it's closed on Mondays) and saw the weekly figures (bad) plus the mess..there was stuff everywhere. The racks were a mess, it was dirty and out the back last week's garbage sits around. The place didn't feel like me any more. It's a big messy place where no-one cares. My head just said "I can't clean up this mess anymore"

Which kind of leads to a shift in my relationship perspective. I'm not interested in flirting, not interested in overwhelming powerful connections, nor long nights of outrageous behaivour ..... and the subsequent torturous mental questions that come with new connections.

I want that gentleness. The power of holding hands under the table. Considered conversations of discovery. Seeing kindness in his eyes, not just lust. Having a feeling of being "anchored" to someone and being able to give back, without concern.

So I want someone who knows who they are, wants to share experiences and time with someone & is not in a hurry, but is sure who they want to have in their life.

And I feel incredibly calm about that knowledge of what I want now.

Off to a psychic this morning...lets see what she says!

out of town

Time to be a tourist. I'm off to Melbourne for 4 days. Marilyn has a work conference & I'm the spare friend, so we get to hang out in the city, try the bars and restaurants & be care-free visitors.

We all know how liberating a visit to a cool city can be...the bars are different, you feel enlivened by the same but not same vibe & the flirting is funner.

Interestingly one guy from the other week is also down in Melbourne & has sent a flirtatious email "you really are quite memorable, you know"

I have heard he is a complete flirt and loves older women..he's 29. But he's also quite a player. The fun part is ignoring him.

I'll have inter-state reports to gather. yah!

In other news a guy in my outer circle has broken up with his long term girlfriend. When I heard the news I felt like jumping in with 'good! I like him, can you set us up ! " but thought I should let him recover (he's quite devo over her) and make sure he's invited to our group events.

As the Xmas party season starts the number of events is improving. Just being calm about it all..

My 80s mixed tape !

a breather

So focused on all the things happening that I've not even thought

about my love life for weeks. It's such a relief! This is not a 'no mojo' situation, nor a 'I'm discovering the real me' moment, but just not interested. Especially in the effort department. Happy to talk and flirt but I'm not looking any outcomes.

Friday I was working in the city at my Dad's office. He needs help attaching photos to his emails, that sort of thing. We also argue and laugh a lot. But the effect the city had on me was interesing. I love it's energy, people rushing around, carrying phones and coffee's, women in high heels clacking away & me just soaking it all in.

Being in an office was fun (I'm not mad! ) it was clean & organised & so was the bathroom and kitchen. I am so sick of the shop's mess, it's really disturbing my head.

Anyhoo, meet all sorts of friends at the Opera Bar. It's perched to the side of the Opera House on the harbour. Kind of the best place you could be in Sydney on a Friday night.

I went spastic with the wine and cigarettes, I hassled Skye's boyfriend to behave better & Holly and I were the last in the bar...they were packing the chairs around us. I was so drunk I forgot I had vomited. The bathroom gave the evident away.

Back to being a trash bag. I cleaned the house all weekend, does that count towards redemption?

the on-going

In the middle of a whole bunch of changes and decisions, hence the lack of time/ space/ ability to blog.

1. Job. Just had 4th interview with 'x' company
2. Home. one moving out another moving in
3. Life. in positive momentum
4. Love. now last on the list. Sometimes you can only do 3 things at once!

The job is a whole new change. From working for myself to working in a dynamic company with a desirable salary: read: ability to pay for mortgage and other life sustaining luxuries, ie. champagne and food. I actually bought take-away last night. A major turning point! Usual meal consisted of opening fridge door, staring, taking out and sniffing, then pouring a glass of wine. For some reason I never run out of booze, only food.

The work offer is stupidly close. I've meet 4 people in the organisation now. All the top people from the Managing Director and across..part of the appeal is the flat structure of the good people.

This means I can now afford shoes and not just eBay bargains...though will continue with this delicious option.

Home life is on another revolution. My brother is moving out & I will probably take the temporary option flatmate, a friend's friend who needs 3 months accommodation, before committing to a full-on flatmate.

My life and sense of it is changing because of the other changes. In that I'm in the middle of a cycle of change but it hasn't played out yet. The dust is there, needs to move and then settle. Which means my emotional needs have evaporated. I have no head space for the love thoughts. The physical body has shifted gears to a dynamic life mode and not emotional life mode.

The mojo is on a break. I was a bit tired from the let downs and once-off moments. Not to worry, it will come back. Nice to have a break from that semi-obsession of flesh and pleasure.

As always my friends are proving to be with-me companions. We all know to shift our needs & time away from futile relationships.

Next weekend off to a beach house with ChicRugby for some time away with arm-fulls of classic movies and sunhats. ah...

Spitting Image

Watching a psychologist on morning TV explain through images the physical similarity of Angelina's Dad (John Voight) to Brad; then Guy Ritchie to Madonna's Dad.

We pick people who look like our parents & for women, it's the idea of a man taking care of us, like our Dad.

This made me think about my Dad: a wonderful man & married to my Mum for over 40 years. He's my business mentor, financial adviser & an appalling joke teller. He' s also extremely fit for 67 & still works - which is good for him, both mentally and socially.

Dad thinks he looks like this bloke, Steve McQueen.

I'm not looking for someone to race motorbikes over fences, nor die early, but the visual thing..

Does your Dad look like someone or do you recognise your interest in someone because of similar features/ habits..

Vote for Daniel !

This lovely boy called Daniel is a regular visitor to our shop...turns out he's a great singer and is one of the last few on Australian Idol.

back in action, kind of

Where have I been? unable to post anything reasonable. Still waiting for the final job interview. Now scheduled for this Friday and that's where I've been focused. Researching, writing and filling my head with stuff which will fall out once I've done the talk. I'm an expert for about 24 hours then the info just vanishes. Does that happen to you? Lots of knowledge just passes through, stops and has a look around & then packs up and goes.

Kind of like some men around me. Is he for me? will he suit ? or is he a passing thing. I'm not trying. Went to a BBQ on the weekend at a backyard in Bondi. Lots of lovely people to talk to, all women of course, but the birthday boy was someone I was encouraged to flirt with. A long term bachelor, aged 42 or so, slim, interesting, funny etc.

I went into his apartment to use the bathroom. It was such an early 20's home. Bits of furniture, emphasis on the TV and music. Broken door handles, broken towel rails. At least it was clean.

Back to the small backyard I looked around at this friends. They are all 'cool' but old. 40 yr olds in pigtails, cowboy hats & checked shirts. Men with chain store surfing clothes. Not just only seeing people via their clothes but they also looked around & at you like it was a nightclub, not the easy mixing backyard BBQ that it was. Talking to these people was like trying to show how cool you are... too much effort !

I don't want to be cool. Being cool is not fun, it takes the silliness out of life. I like being a dag sometimes - like seeing old 80's bands at workers clubs, I like being nice to wait staff & smiling at people with dogs or babies. But I'm not a push-over. I know where the best parking spots are in the city, I know how to be firm with tele-sales people. I know that Toto's 'Rosanna' is a great song to dance to on the iPod when drunk.

So the birthday boy was trying to be cool and youthful. He's 42, that's not cool to me. Cool is too restrictive & beside, it's more fun to be a dag.

here but in a different way

I'm on the edge of a new job....so completely different from my other it's hard to think. Currently I work for myself & have done for 6 years, I also run a fashion shop. The store will continue but the other things will have to be ditched.

I'm preparing three presentations on strategic marketing for an experiential marketing company. I'm the expert on interactive & Web 2.0 media marketing. Thanks to my interest in blogging, wikis, mobile phones and eBay, I've managed to become a semi-expert. The presentations are this week. It's been a 2 month process and it's right there...the opportunity to shift my life completely. There is nothing like a job to change your life. Relationships can happen within moments and then disapear with a cracking thud to the heart. Jobs are much more permanent. Hard to acquire, hard to know if they're right by oh so satisfying when it's good.

Right now, the man is impossible, the job is the nearest thing to any long-term satisfaction..or in marketing speak, 'long-term engagement' ... so I'm getting engaged to a job. I just need to be proposed to.

Heat, sunshine and phones

Public Holiday long weekends are a glorious thing, especially when the heat arrives, the breeze is warm & you start looking for your cossie and sunblock.

I'm off to Bondi shortly, to lie in the park with friends, have an impromptu picnic lunch, maybe face the early spring water temperature...it's so tempting, the thought of spring's first ocean swim. The cold, the salt, the invigoration of water, sun and wind as you get out. Then real hunger kicks in & you can eat sausage sandwiches and lamb chops with gusto, followed by dripping slices of watermelon.

It's been a week of confrontations, both personally and with the mobile phone company ( did I tell you I hate 3 mobile? ) Finally I have a phone, well I have a camera that doubles as a phone (the Nokia N95) I am in love with it. Just need a wrist strap to help lash it to me so won't loose this.

Being back in communication land is a relief. I found 2 messages and 5 voice mails on my system. One text from a friend on holiday in Namibia. He's an old friend and we've been catching up for dinners. He chastised me for not responding to his holiday emails...those group emails ppl send to 'undisclosed list' when on an adventure.

But all I can think of is the breakfast job interview tomorrow. It represents the changes I've been going through this year, moving from fashion back to IT, discovering what I know, talking about new ideas with different people. Thinking of having steady paid employment is extremely attractive.

There's a sense of excitement. Jobs, summer, swimming & a new phone. I have that sense of restlessness you get just before a new school year. You look forward to your friends, the learning...not so much the homework, but the community of working life.

Taking a break

Work took me to an area of Sydney yesterday I'd be meaning to visit. I'd just had a negative work conversation and was feeling a little bitter. I'd had to walk a long way to chase this woman to ask her a favour & she said no. It really did upset me & I started to get a little teary.

My final reason for being in the Pyrmont/ Ultimo area was not over, I wanted to join the new Ian Thorpe Aquatic Centre. It's a brand new centre, architecturally designed (by Harry Seidler) and is run by the council & the YMCA, as a non-for-profit. It's beautiful. The building, the facilities, the views back to the city.

This is what I need to do, get my physical health back. Thrash it out in the pool, try some gym classes, they even have a boxing class !

I used to do Power Yoga three times a week or go swimming a minimum of 2kms each morning. Over winter, for the first time in 10 years I lost my interest in exercise. I just wanted to sleep, relax, read books...be a complete slob. Even though I mentally knew I should exercise I just had no interest.

The warm weather has just started & that's almost motivating enough. Joining the ITAC is the final answer. What's brilliant is you pay $45 per fortnight & get to attend any class from spin, to boxing to pilates, plus use the pool, steam room and sauna. Gotta love council run businesses.

Membership starts on Monday.

My second interview with the Marketing company is Tuesday.

I'm taking a break from boys and dating. Getting fit & getting my dream job is October's focus.

taking some blame

For future purposes I will not tell a bloke I like, even if it's really good, anything about the blog. Even before I do, I'll prepare a series of leading questions like..."how do you feel about anonymous confessional blogs?"
"Do you have any secrets you'd like to share, I'll tell you one of mine, but you first! "
"What are your thoughts on privacy ?"

Voice Man was reading the blog in between the non-contact period & some of my thoughts would have put him off, that I want a good relationship & am ready for one...which is hard for me to finally acknowledge, being the Princess of Subtlety

I knew the risk. Although not directing my goals at him specifically, I was being truthful to me. I don't want to be embarrassed, guilt ridden or ridiculed. My needs are fairly reasonable...to meet someone good & build some life or partnership together. I didn't make any deliberate postings..I only think of the topic that day or moment I sit at the keyboard.. they are just the thoughts swirling around demanding an escape path.

I never expected that Voice Man would turn out like it did & that there would be 4 weeks between that Tuesday of no-sleep and the final phone call. In that time we didn't see each other, barely spoke, rain checked our nights 3 times & he had his birthday party. Even before my thoughts were on-line, he was misbehaving. I didn't want to feel stifled by what he was thinking about what I was expressing. Just let it all out, sick of keeping my desires a secret.

I did make the mistake of telling him about the blog & yes it did contributed to his decision, I'm sure.

Lesson learned: keep some secrets.

and the answer is...

Where was I Sunday afternoon? at Voice Man's gig or enjoying the view from Bondi Icebergs?

Let me take you back. The day after the last post, Thursday, was my monthly visit to the psychologist. We had only discussed financial and work issues, but this time is was the issue of assertiveness and self-esteem.

What I really needed was the strength to call him & put myself out of misery. The session turned into an episode of 'anger management' with me practising to the psych the phone call break up speech. I did my usual polite/ funny/ understanding speech & yet it didn't feel right. She asked me why I was letting him off the hook? was I being nice because I carried some hope?

I took a deep breath and started again.. the anger at him ignoring me, the anger at not being invited, the anger at him asking for my opinion and then ignoring me again. It all started coming out; my fear of my anger being out of control didn't' happen. I was vocally determined to say my bit, not suppress it. By knowing I could say everything I was lightened.

Later that night I called him. Frustratingly it went to voice mail. Even here I left a angry message ' Hi, call me back, you'll probably ignore this message but anyway, would be good to speak'

I went to Facebook & deleted him as a friend. I don't want reminders.

He called back. I wanted to get in first. "I won't be coming to your gig this Sunday, we should finish this and say it's over' He agreed. He was putting it off, calling me back. Instead of just laughing it off, I wanted to tell him the things that I was upset by.

'Why did you ask for my opinion & then ignore me? ...I really haven't enjoyed the last few weeks, it's been more upsetting than you realise "
It felt good to really say my bit.

"Sorry", he said, "I'm a bit of a mess. I've been reading your blog & you seem to want something else and really I'm not a good catch. I hesitated calling you these last few weeks."

"I suspected that was what you were doing, I know you can behave better than this." it keep on coming out ! "I will want my DVD back."

"I'll mail it too you, what's your address?

"And I've deleted you as a friend on Facebook, don't want any reminders' "Fair enough"
"So anyway, good luck with the gig'
"uh, thanks"

clunk.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It does take a while to work yourself up & say what really hurts you.. this should make it easier in the future to say what ails & pleases me, rather than play nice.

undecided

Should I go to Voice Man's gig this weekend ? or should I just delete him ?

Last week Voice Man asked for my thoughts in an email. He said 'there are no wrong answers' So I told the truth, I'd like to see him again. I had taken a back step because of his birthday & the non-invite, but thought it was still worth pursuing, seeing what would unfold.

Obviously it was a wrong answer because that was Friday and it's now Wednesday.

I am really calm about it all, really I am. The frustrating bit is the 'not seeing' him bit. The one where you can answer all your internal questions just by seeing and talking to them again.

The reason I am calm is the myriad thoughts I'd had about my own existence in the last few days. I am determined to respect myself, gently demand it in others and focus on integrity, kindness and that extra sense of considered urgency you put into a relationship with someone you really like. That feeling of knowing it's special, the constant surprises you get when you're in their company; the 'oh, no, really ? ' responses.

There are two options. I can go to his music gig this Sunday. I wouldn't make a scene..but kinda interested to hear him perform, especially if they play "love is a battlefield", a particular favourite of mine.

Or I can forget about it & show him his behaivour is not good enough, and delete him from Facebook, my phone & my astro chart page. (I have a file on the astro web site & it saves all your charts ) That would be about everything, except I want my DVD back. I gave him my original copy of the Catalyst program (the show I was on) so I'd have to get that back.

Okay, vote please !

asking the colour rose

I'd never heard of Aura-Soma, a colour therapy system based on choosing bottles of colour. It was one of those Sunday afternoon things to do, walk around the local markets, stroll around a different suburb and happen upon a new store with pretty coloured bottles & a offer to colour consult you for $25. "why not" is the answer....

The Colour Rose is the shop name in the Sydney suburb of Balmain. It's all white with pretty coloured bottles all displayed. You pick 4 bottles & the consultant reads your purpose and energy via the colours chosen. I know even writing this it sounds bizarre, yet sometimes it takes a odd concept to untap hidden meanings and desires. Look at ink spots!

The consultant was a warm 47 yr old, I liked her straight forward manner & it turned out to be a good conversation about colours and their influences. We all know 4 yr old girls love pink, then 60 yr olds love purple & goths love black. So I love cornflower blue, girly pink & a good shot of hot red. These were all interpreted to mean certain emotions and attitudes. The blue is my signature colour & it transforms me when I wear it. My favourite cashmere hoodie, that cost me a small fortune 4 years ago, is this colour & I wear it to death.

The red bottle I choose represented the energy I have for life at the moment.

What really emerged was my desire for love. It's my biggest hurdle & greatest desire to bond with someone. The hurdles come from within me. I have a tendency to be over-critical about myself. I'm really hard on my perceived errors.

I'm going to take some time out from all the dating confusion. I need more physical energy & with the weather getting more delightful, it's almost a relief to stop thinking about men for a while & just start looking after me for a while & to love myself a bit more too.

Phones

Wednesday while rushing home to perfume up before heading to a Blog debate, I was listening to 2ser-fm. The hosts were talking about the recent Apec protests & had a guest, who had participated in the protests & was talking about his blog. They commented that his blog name was very boring & listeners should call in and suggest a new name. Co-incidentally I had been thinking of some names for another blog ( about marketing and web). The word 'agitpropster' was on my list... I think it means an agitator, or pot-stirer. However it's wasn't right for me, but maybe for someone who goes to protests. So I dialled the station

It always takes so long to get through & so I kept getting ready & waited for the phone to answer..of course, I decided to quickly use the toilet & that's when they answered, just before the flush. They put me straight onto the Blogger & he loved the name. Next thing he invites himself to the Blog debate. " I'm bald and am wearing a t-shirt with a drum on it", he said. It was a debate about Blogging vs Talkback Radio, so it was strangely appropriate.

I'll call him, The Agitator.

After the debate I went to the only bald t-shirt wearing bloke in the audience and introduced myself. It was him & it was hilarious to go from a radio talk in the afternoon to appearing at a debate a few hours later. I knew about 10 other people at the debate & we all went to the bar across the road, including The Agitator. Turns out he's a well-know communication strategist & he's 27 & another bloody Virgo.

After a few too many free drinks & a late night meal I went to look for my phone. The Agitator had left a message, and so had TypeA-SuperFit, his usual rude booty text message & I need my phone to set my alarm. I couldn't find it anywhere. Next day I rang all the places I'd been & no luck.

Life without a phone is weird. Being so modern I don't have a phone at home. The only way to talk was either real life or via email.

I bought a temporary number & go an old phone from the cupboard. I've had 4 offers of old phones, it's amazing how many we all have!.

The phone has lots of old messages in it, from 3 years ago. I had saved 43 messages from one old boyfriend, Ads, & it was such a delight to read them.

"Hi Gorgeous, Hope life is sweet and the shoes are selling. Miss your lovely soul. Say Hi to everyone for me. Ads xxx"

The messages are all like this. I don't miss him, I just miss the genuineness of the message, that someone was that nice to me. I went out with him for 6 months. He is a delight but not right, we both knew that so no pain afterwards.

Seeing all those messages & remembering the easy fun times we had (he is a Virgo & loved to cook, btw) I physically felt different reading the messages...there was no stress, no confusion, no analysing...just lovely and real.

At that moment I thought of Voice Man. We were emailing this week & still haven't caught up. I sent him a reply on Friday morning & haven't heard from him, which is upsetting. It's not that I don't like him or want to see him, but when there's no contact I have to accept he's not interested. I'm really sick of twisting myself in knots. I want more of the easy, real, non-confusing messages...not the no-messages. Kinda of simple really, I think.