He keeps trying!

I meet him 2 years ago, TypeA-SuperFit. After a 3 week relationship and one late night rendezvous he has fallen into a pattern of sending late night text messages. Of which I never agree to..these lead to a series of text messages about the need to be 'human'.

What I love is his timing. Whenever he sends them I have my period.

For your delight..here is last night's text conversation...btw, he has a blackberry and I'm on a Nokia N95 hence the difference in length.

TASF: 10:56pm "Fancy a mid-week...

Cat: 10: 58: "If this is who I think you have impeccable timing. Got my period and NOT interested"

11:01pm "That shouldn't stop you....The more emotion the better & it saves me going to the gym as I know you are a good..."

Cat: 11:03pm: "You might need me but I don't need you. So much fun being rude to you"

TASF: 11:06pm. Well done you are clearly getting good regular sex from someone... Very impressive - you should write a book...I don't need you...But I don't take life too seriously & do remember you were fun in b... Be bad!!! But @ the end of the day just have a laugh...& enjoy !!!

Cat: 11:12 "Ah the good funny version of you shines thru. Your drunken twin likes to spoil your chances. Take care."

TASF: 11:17 pm: "No the complete TASF understands life is complex and there are no simple answers....Occasionally drunk yes..But never without reason...You Take Care..."

Which One ?

I like Mystery Man, I like The Traveller and to add to the list I like Mr Enthusiastic.

Introducing....Mr Enthusiastic. He's part of my group of Perth friends. In Sydney I have groups of friends who originate from different parts of Australia, there's the Barossa chicks (outrageously filthy language, great knowledge of wines) a couple of strays from Brisbane and the Gold Coast, my Sydney friends & the Perthies, from Western Australia

My Perth friends are wonderful (hello you lot!) and enjoying hosting mad afternoons of painting, tennis or BBQ's. Mr Enthusiastic is a new recruit to the Sydney-Perth posse.

He's just refreshingly honest, he blurts out stuff that Sydney boys wouldn't... he talks about the rough politics of his family, his ups and downs and that he sees a therapist. We went for a local dinner.

In the bottle shop he said. "I'm going to buy my own wine, I need a West Australian red"

I wanted a Pinot Noir, my newest favourite, to go with the lamb. Strangely this suited me. I could have my wine & he could have his.

We arrived at the restaurant with two bottles & they both sat in front of us. There was something naughty but comforting about buying a bottle each.

Mr E had a girlfriend for 11 years. She did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, drove him around. That's why he has appalling house cleaning skills. No guessing they were both miserable near the end of the relationship.

I asked "If you were hassled a bit more, asked to make a decision, marry her or not, would that be helpful, well, not helpful, but it should be said to you. I think people in relationships need a bit of prodding now and then, all this drifting, and no one's allowed to tease you in that concerned friend or family way. "

"I should have let her go" he said.

He's honest, he talks and regrets immediately what he says while laughing. There's a social klutz personality to him which is endearing. And he's just enthusiastic.

He walked me to the bus stop, we hugged casually, and said good night. I'll see him this week for lunch.

No. 2 The Traveller. He's away at the moment. He finally worked out the status update thing on Facebook. It's like having a Private Detective on him ! But let me go back to the event, Pangea Day.

I arrived when the movies started. The large room had two screens & about 30 people watching each. Marilyn was already there. One of the hosts came and said hello. " I'm a friend of The Traveller's" "He's over there near the other screen" said the host. I could see the back of his head.

For the next 3 hours I sat with Marilyn. We moved around and talked to people, but The Traveller never came over to speak to me, never said hello. I was frozen with embarrassment. All my social gumption was gone. I had made the decision to invite myself & regretted it.

Near the end (after a few of those champagnes that got me into trouble later on) I stopped him walking by and said hello.

"Oh, you are here."

"I've been here since the beginning"

"I was looking for you in a dress." (strange answer, but I realised I wore a dress the last two times we met)

"How are you ? Did you do anything for Mother's Day?" I asked

"My mum's in hospital. A lot's going on. My sister tried to commit suicide, I found her. Probably drove about 3,000 kms going back and forward to see her. Every one's asking how I'm coping"

"You're in a doing phase, no time to think, you're just in action mode."

"Yes, exactly" his face looked reflective. "I've got the kids now, they keep me grounded" he said with genuine happiness. He spoke about the new nanny for the kids.

"The ex is in the marital home, I have the apartment. She's a bit loopy. " He stuck out his tongue and pulled a face. We both laughed.

"I hear you go to Bodega." I said "I go there sometimes after work, about 9pm, sit at the bar and have a meal. " he replied.

"We should catch up for coffee". He seemed to say that genuinely.

We had a bit more general chat & that was it.

My thoughts (and I'd love yours!) He's got a bit going on in his life ! Mother, Sister, ex wife, kids, nanny and work. I'm going to let him sort out his life for a bit. However, after Polly's words to me last week (don't put conditions on your needs) I'm not cutting him out of my thoughts, but I know that pushing or wanting something to happen is probably not good for me right now. I'll place my feelings in a snap freezer. On hold but ready for instant defrost!

Mystery Man is the great friend. We've got this on/ off time together worked out. I might not see him for a few weeks and then we'll have a big night. Other times he travels for a month. There is an easy understanding. I'm available for catching up, but we can equally have quite separate lives in between.

Two conversations

Tonight is dinner with Mystery Man. He came by on Saturday night when I hosted an old friends catch-up. We were on the 6th bottle of wine or something, sitting on the balcony, covered in blankets (it was about 14deg). He asked why the outdoor heater wasn't on. Something logical in the face of our drunken stupor.

Later he talked to me about the drink driving issue. His mother was injured by a drunk driver and he told me the injuries. Of course I would never intend to hurt anyone, it would be mortifying, but that's what drink driving means, to be that drunk person who injures.

The police experience was like a glimpse at what it could be like, although the next time I could be arrested and charged. A police record does affect many parts of your life. Later this year I could be applying for a new type of business license which involves a police check. I want to know there is nothing to hide and that I'm a responsible citizen.

So rather than thinking 'I'll make it home' its a clear thought... 'The car is staying, definitely can't drive and I'll take a bus or taxi'.

The second conversation was with Polly. She's moved in with her boyfriend this week. It's all been quick but worthy. In fact not hesitating was the key. Just jump.

We were doing our usual chat, what life is doing for us right now, where's our direction - our work. We're both sole operators & it's the self motivation and determination that we encourage each other with, except this time she stopped me.

"Cat, can I speak straight to you? "

"Of course" I trust Polly's skills at saying those hard things in a gentle manner.

"I can hear the resignation in your voice. The acceptance of what is currently and what can only be. For instance, you have already accepted that things will take longer so you'll just be patience, like I'll not allowed to have that achievement right now, or want that goal, because there must be something else I need to learn before I'm allowed to have that."

Polly's boyfriend, said to her, "I always want a relationship, I never stopped looking or trying. I never gave up". Where as we would say to each other...maybe this is not my time, I should put my effort elsewhere, it's not meant to be.

That's the acceptance stuff.

"What do you really want ? " She said. "Ask for it, admit it, expect it."

Later that day I stood on the balcony, looking at the full moon & I clearly said to myself. " I want to get married." Not, I want a boyfriend or relationship...because I want more, I want the ultimate relationship, a marriage.

As I said that phrase, louder and louder in me, I felt relieved. The night sparkled a little more and it felt right. I do want to get married. I do.

Mothers Day

I'll tell the last story first. Sunday night, after hosting Mother's Day Lunch, I attended Pangea Day at The Traveller's office. His organisation was holding an event to see this 4 hour broadcast of film. I invited myself and my friend Marilyn (for support). The event had started when I arrived and I sat with Marilyn. It was a fully catered for event, with waiters passing food and drinks. We got tucked into the champagne. Charity and champagne go together, yeah?

Once settled, I saw The Traveller sitting in another part of the room. But this is not the story I'll be telling right now. So I'll fast forward to the end.

Marilyn and I were the last to leave (we're good at that) and went for another drink and some food at a pub near her place. We shared stories about the night and I took her home, almost.

Two streets from her place a Police car flashed his headlight at me. I couldn't think why. Then turned the corner and realised my headlights weren't on, only to see the Police car, full lights on, behind me. I pulled over.

"You were driving without your headlights' he said. "Have you been drinking? " he asked.

"Yes", I replied, " I've had a few champagnes " Marilyn started telling them were we'd been..unfortunately she was quite drunk and slurry, so this alarmed the officer.

'We'd like to breath test you" he said, "but we don't have a breath analyser here. We're calling for one to be brought over. Would you mind waiting here"

It took about 15 mins for the machine to arrive. I thought of all the champagnes I'd drunk that night & knew I wasn't' bad, but wasn't good. Still sitting in the car, I blew into the machine. They conferred and said I was over the limit ( .05 ). Shit.Fuck.

Get out of the vehicle, he said. 'We are arresting you for drink driving"

Marilyn was trying to ask them for my reading. But they wouldn't give it. Maybe because she was wobbling on the footpath.

We're taking you to the station for a further reading. They called for a paddy wagon.

Why not in a police car ? I asked. Procedure.

The paddy wagon was running late because they were taking prisoners in it.

I had to remove my belt, take only my essentials. I took all my jewellery off and placed it my handbag, then in the boot. I had my phone, my credit card and some cash.

When the wagon arrived a female office had to search me, then I got into the back.

Have you ever envisage what it's like in a paddy wagon ? I thought it was metal with two bench seats. This one was like a fridge. All white fiberglass and two benches, front and back. Slits for windows and a strong gust of air from the front. The seats were only 10cms high. I wedged my feet against the front and placed my hands on the space next to me. There were no seat belts, no handles. I thought of the last passengers, the prisoners.

I would have taken a photo, but they had my phone. How would that look on facebook?

The wagon drove to Waverly Police Station where they have a more accurate machine for breathe testing.

I could see via the front window the car driving into a garage. I was entering via the prisoner’s entrance. When it stopped I could see them all standing outside. When the door opened I was lead, not touched, to the ‘holding dock’ until the machine was ready.

The holding dock was like a clear phone box, with one bench seat. The whole front was clear Perspex and I faced the main desk, on which lay my personal things. I saw them fill out forms, check details and discuss me, while I sat behind plastic examining all the scratch marks and shoe marks on the walls.

I wanted my phone. I wanted to call people, go on-line, distract myself from reality.

I envisage myself from the outside. Me sitting there in a blazer, jeans and dress shoes. Two hours ago I was in the boardroom of a top 5 law firm, enjoying their hospitality while watching a program on world peace issues. Ah, juxtaposition.

Should I do star jumps ? get the blood moving and get the alcohol out of my system? What if the next reading is also over. I was arrested for being over the limit, DUI – driving under the influence is the code. However, I had to take another test, with a more accurate machine, before they could charge me. So I was under temporary arrest, pending the results of the next test.

Procedure continued with my rights being read, forms to sign and questions to answer.

They I was lead into the testing room.

“Can I use the bathroom?” I had drunk a lot of water while waiting in the car.

“No, not until after the test”

Two officers sat in a room, one taking notes and another setting up the machine. It was taking a long time.

“You’re coming down’ said the Detective Inspector “ and it’s to your advantage that this takes time to test you. If this reading is under, then you are free to go home. We will drive you back to your car “ I chatted to them about Pangea Day, for two reasons, one to show I wasn’t that drunk and two, I believe charm and good manners go a long way.

More time passed, more forms, more people coming through. I was first tested at 10:30pm. I was now 12:10am.

"Your first reading was .067"

They could take as long as they liked.

The machine was ready. It was a three part machine with printer, dials, led display and a cash register ticket thing. I liked it’s 1970 IBM look. Old technology was comforting me.

I blew. It beeped, whirred and chugged out paper.

The testing office looked at the results, turned to me and stuck out his hand. We shook. I knew what that meant. The reading was .04. My road side reading was .067. The D.I. said they get regularly abused by the public while waiting for the test.

My things were returned.

I quickly texted Marilyn “I’m free! They are driving me back. I have a certificate to prove my sobriety. God what an experience ! Now stop laughing and go to sleep” time: 1.10am

I ‘m horrified at what happened. But I’m sobered by the experience. And truthfully, I’ve driven DUI and could have not blown under both times. I just didn’t get stopped.

Accepting

This dating life just goes on and on. In the last five years my longest relationship would be 3 weeks! No-one just tries bumping along in a relationship, it has to be right or it never happens.

The good part to that is you don't spend too much time with the wrong person. You do the quick brave conversation, either on the phone or in person, don't accept emails or text messages, and then it's all over.

Another good part is most people you meet are single or in a definate relationship. There are no half relationships, or people just sticking together. You don't put up with someone's partner who is wrong for your friend or endure those conversations where she is in denial about the quality of the relationship.

I had a few drinks with a bloke on Sunday afternoon. By then my talking muscle was over-used. I was tired and make-up less and was dying for an afternoon nap. We talked for a few hours and both agreed we wanted alone time to finish the afternoon. He went to watch a DVD and I went home to have a nap. (I am a koala, after all)

Bars and restaurants are for friends. We know what we like, who we like dinning with and what wines we like sharing. Going on a date is stressful. You feel so obvious at the restuarant as you question your tastes in front of the waiter while you negotiate the order. ..do you like chilli ? do you eat meat? do you like red or white ?

Dates should be in supermarkets, hosting lunch or finding the new Ikea store in some far away suburb. The things you do everyday, the events you can't avoid. I'd rather go backwards, start with meeting his parents, do the weekly shopping, move house (his or a friends) and then book a holiday. Prehaps look after him when he has a man-flu and then he has to buy my womens' needs from the chemist. Ah, what fun we could have without a bar, museum or sniggering waiter in site.

So I've accepted that just because you can negotiate a meal together, chat all night and feel the urge to shag him co-incidentally just as the alcohol deepens, it doesn't really indicate a good relationship. Those moments will happen quietly and differently.

Words and Actions

I think women are complicated. I'm an easy going version of womanhood, and I mess things up & confuse myself. Imagine what a high maintenance chick is like. They are hard being friends with, let alone date or make a move.

But men are not so complicated. I'm going to highlight the most obvious and quickest way to understand what they are thinking. The trick is not to over complicate this advice. Don't think he is any different from the rest. He's a bloke and they are all the same, really they are. Yours might be more wordy or most sensitive or more blokey..but they all behave towards you in the same fundamental way.

It can be fun to analyse and dissect and ignore or go in denial about what you really think he's thinking. But this is the the measuring stick to use. Here goes..

Look at what he does, not what he says.

hey ? ! that's too simple. I'm not sure what that means..that's one of those tricky sentences...it couldn't be that easy. How am I supposed to use that ?

Okay I'll say it another way

Action, not words.

Is that easier ? what exactly is action?

Okay here is one of those anecdotes. A friend of mine....(as it always starts) likes this bloke. But he doesn't do anything except every morning & every night he sends her a text message. Just to say hello, or something thoughtful. Ah, how sweet I hear you say. I'd like my bloke to do that.

well... that's all he did, he never organised to see her, was always busy, but would talk about how much he liked her and send text messages.

That, my friends, is emotional torture.

Now another friend (or could be the same one, who knows) also gets sweet messages, but it's directed at her work. He says she is so clever and he's sharing parts of his history with her that he doesn't with others.

She's worried he doesn't say anything direct. But he's always there. He always turns up, gets her a drink, talks to her friends, and organises his life around her commitments.

Now. Here's a quiz. What does the text message man think about my friend? does he really like her ? or the attention.
And what does non-direct man think? does he really like her ? or should she demand some answers ?

mmmm.

words or action?

Mystery Man

I've neglected to let you lot know of an on-going liaison. He's my Mystery Man. Who calls on the moment for drinks or dinner. We talk for hours, drink for hours and then I collapse at his place. Usually after dancing on his couch (it's an ongoing habit I have) or in his car (if you slide down enough you can get your legs through the sun roof, like a synchronised swimmer)

Haven't mentioned him before as it is what it is... a sporadic night out with someone fun and interesting. Sometimes he tries to kiss me & sometimes I do. Sometimes we just fall asleep. He's a playmate..a good male friend and you can try things out on him.

We went out dancing to a retro club. He can salsa dance & I like silly dancing...the kind where you mock-imitate a serious dancer or overstress the dramatics of the song. Can you tell I grew up in the new romantic 80's and hung out in Gay/ Drag Queen clubs ?

My dance persona for the night was 'I tease, but you can't touch..maybe sometimes'. I would shimmy up to him, then push him away. Then dance up to him, drag my hands down his chest, then turn and dance away. I can't keep a serious face so would just burst out laughing.

After 3 hours of this dancing and a few beers we were exhausted. Mystery Man has the best bedroom set up, in terms of sleeping. He's super fussy about noise and light as well as quality of sheets and pillows. It's an invitation for a proper sleep when I go there.

The only problem, and the reason why Mystery Man and I are not fully compatible, is our sleeping patterns. He's a Vampire and I'm a Koala. He sleeps until earliest 11am and goes to bed between 1-3am. I like to get up early, have a nap in the afternoon and then get another 9 hours sleep. Koala's like to sleep, especially after eating gum leaves, it's like dope for them and they are always drowsy. So I'm a Koala. Not doped up but always sleepy.

But that morning I was frisky. Too long between drinks! Had to plan the timing. Firstly I had to sleep-in then get up, have some food and go back to bed. Had to co-ordinate the moment we would be both awake and ready.

After our frisky session I realised we were both sober. Too often things happen last on a big night & the quality of friskiness is diminished. Sober is good. Sober and in the early afternoon.

How normal do you feel after a good romp ? A little bit more alive, a little bit calmer, and a whole lot more connected. No longer just a head with thoughts, your body is back in the mix.

Probably what I like about my Mystery Man is there is no emotional complication. There is no certainty either but I do certainly like a good frisky session with him, both on the dance floor and in his Vampire's lair.

Don't want to work

Not working is not like holidays. It's just not working for someone for 5 days and trying to fit in all your other life activities in the spare time. I can fully occupy myself. Friends, reading, blogging (although a bit inactive lately) running around, attending free cooking classes. It's all rather good fun really. I am lucky I have the shop to keep me occupied for a few days a week (I'm lying - I go there everyday)

I like not working. The day I left the marketing company was a brilliant summer day. I headed for an outdoor cafe, where the leaf filtered sunlight plays across the tables. I felt like myself. Happiest sitting in cafes, pondering the world, writing notes and observing peoples.

In the 4 weeks since leaving work I've traveled to Queensland to visit my cousin, drove down to the South Coast in a convertible for Easter and dreamed away the demons from work. I realised the marketing work was not stimulating for me. The other Account Director telling said 'So all I do is organise meetings ?" to our boss the week before I left.

My big plan is to work part time in a web or digital marketing company, do marketing for the shop (we have a facebook page now!) and write.

The first wish came true last week. An old colleague is looking for an account manager for 3 days a week. He very delightfully said he was really pleased to work with me again. There are more talks and discussions before it's final but it's part of the puzzle.

As for the writing, I had to leave the blog alone for a while. See what happened. Did I miss it ? what else can I write about... I have notebooks all over the place, but what do I want to write about ? is this is way to start ? Starting is about just starting. I really like this blog and it's a good thought dump but I will try something else, not as a blog but a story. If Jane Austen could write her novel using only 20 mins a day, then so can I.

and how's the love life ? I hear you ask. Well I've thought about The Traveller every day. It's a pattern of obsession I have. He hasn't contacted me, which didn't stop me sending a few friendly emails. All I know is the (soon-to-be-ex) wife (my wishful words) is giving him a hard time. But can't do anything else except live my own life. All this emotional stuff does get easier as you get older, but the ache..the little fire you have to share with someone never goes away.

back to normal

I was let go from work on Monday. It was the 3 month mark; the end of probation & time to decide. With one week's notice I just wanted to finish a few emails and just get out. They offered to let me walk almost straight away & after completing time sheets I just walked out.

It's the right decision. I want to work in a more digital field - more web and social community based. After 3 months there was no digital work. It was all event marketing, which I was never interested in.

Next week I'm off to Noosa for a week to see my cousin, her kids, my other cousin, her son & various others. One week to just play with the kids (ie. me dancing to Elvis or Coldplay or U2) swim and beverage-on with my lovely cousin. I feel free, like it's school holidays.

I'm sitting at home, with my computer, just been up to the local cafe, flirted with the boys and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be.....actually, yes, but that involves another person & that's not possible right now...so this is the best fun I can have by myself.

In my fantasy version of what happens next, The Traveller invites me overseas on his next trip (in April) & we travel for a few weeks, have a great time getting to know one another via airports, planes and hotels while I blog, visit shops, feel inspired and we hook up at night. The ex-wife dies of something & I inherit two kids, have one of my own, and I write while we both make each other happy. (most of the time).

anyway, back to my 5 yr old computer, phoning the repair people to fix things and spraying the apartment for cockroaches.

happen chance

What are the odds ? That I catch a cab & it's Edith's ex boyfriend who's the taxi driver.

And again this morning (Sunday) . Finally got to the pool for some laps. I joined 3 months ago & have barely gone. Standing at the counter & who walks by, The Traveller, with his 2 kids in tow.
We chat, he introduces me to his two boys. They've just been for a swim.

I looked at their faces and just felt so bad for them. They didn't look like happy kids, they looked harrowed, quiet and sad. The eldest looks like he has lots of worries. The youngest is better but still clings to his Dad.

This divorce and their parents behaviour looks etched on their faces.

Men complain about women showing only their best side. We wear make-up, heels, the good bra and we smell nice. We worry about how we look without make-up & in casual clothes.

When you see the real life that men lead.... their homes, them on the weekends, them with their kids, or at work, then you can really see who they are. So much is front, so much is what we decide to believe too. You know when you're finally taken back to their place & it's really nothing ? the sheets are bad, the kitchen is empty & all the food is from take-away boxes. Isn't it really disappointing ?

Reality is there. We just have to find ways to see that part of them.

Seeing The Traveller and his kids, I can see he is having a bad time with the divorce and the effects on the kids. If something were to ever happen then the relationship will be about making the kids happy too. I could do it, but he'll have to make me happy too.

Perfect almost date

The one I like, the traveller, had emailed me all day. It was Tuesday and he invited me to dinner at my favourite place, Bodega, a cool but atmospheric restaurant in Surry Hills. I got there 10 mins early, was greeted by the two lovely girls who run the place, who know my mother as she teaches her son.
"I'm on a date" I said, "Which is the best spot to sit ? "
"Here at the bar", said Sarah "I notice all the couples who sit here are happy. Now you'll need a drink, can I get you a Cava ? " (Spanish champagne) We did that conspiratorial giggle & I just looked forward to that moment when he'd walk in.

We had a lovely night, until.

He told me about a conversation he had with his ex-wife on Friday night, the night he got back. She wants to try some counselling. The divorce papers are ready to be signed but she wants to make sure. Fair enough.

He said " I just want to look at my kids and say, we both tried. That it wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do. I do know where it will probably go (the results of the counselling) but I'm doing it for the kids and because I just want to get on with her."

There's a coldness that comes over you when you here stuff like that. Your emotions are snap frozen. The air becomes colder & you feel the rotation of the world as your life is brought to a halt.

And yet I know he must do this. He must get on with her. He must sort out any emotional connections or emotional blackmail questions before he can give himself properly to someone.

So he drove me home. "I really enjoy your company, you're a fantastic, interesting person" he said. "maybe we can see a film? "
"of course" I said "we can be buddies"
he looked sad to hear that word. " I'd like to keep a conversation going" I said " You're an interesting person & I really enjoy your company".

We had had some great conversations over dinner, politics, religion....nothing light !
I'll let him call me.

So I slowly walked to my door. It felt like the most symbolic walk I've taken. The closer I got to my door, the more he felt even farther away than the real physical distance he was. His life dynamics were pulling him away from me, like some powerful wind.

There is no waiting in this situation. Life goes on. When he wants or can be back in my world I believe he will with no hesitation. It's best he gets this issue, this important problem sorted.

It's my life firstly

He was delayed a day. Going via another city for work & arrived back on Friday. He texted me that morning. Without any certainty from him, I carried on regardless. No use pinning or expecting. The best way is to carry on with life. Luckily I'm a very busy and important person!

Friday was a wine lunch with clients. It turned into a long afternoon of wine tasting and I had to back up, get dressed again, brush my teeth and get to Skye's 40th Birthday at one of the newest, classiest places in Sydney.

Saturday was dinner at Edith's, then Sunday was lunch at Sandra's...just a typical weekend in my social life! He was glad to hear I was busy.

To be realistic. He has kids, I expected him to want to spend time with them. He's also travelled for three weeks & would want to just relax and catch up with his friends. The best tactic is to be busy...carry on regardless....and did I carry on.

The wine lunch was hilarious. I thought it was just a few wines to try. Turned out to be the official media announcement of the top 28 wines of the year. And they were all on the table to taste...every single bottle. Four hours later we headed up to the top bar for more. I had to extract myself from further invites to get ready for Skye's birthday.

You know when you're pre-menstral and your boobs are puffy and huge? plus you find all the right dresses to wear to show them off. Apparantely it's a biological thing to flash the flesh. Show the plunge and enjoy the wandering male eye. That was me. In the black dress with the plunge.

Skye was looking amazing. She has the best hair. Blonde, strong and flicks so beautifully.

It was a night of fab female love. The type where you adore your friends and let rip with screams and hugs and good times. It helped we got 'special' entry to the latest club in Sydney, the Ivy. It's hot, it's divine and we all went bonkers dancing and drinking champagne.

Oh, and then I did my special dancing tricks. I danced with someone's blackberry down my cleavage & then asked him to call it...
and found a table to do my other special dancing on....the picture shows my fans.

Don't ever worry about turning 40. There is heaps of fun to be had.

(hey, don't worry. I helped all my friends get home. Went via their homes to help them in the door and Louise collasped on my couch. All good clean fun)

while he's away

Last Thursday I got a phone call. He was in NY in a bar, talking to models and jeans designers. It was 2am his morning, 6pm for me. I'm his drunk dialing friend. The one you call when you are happy and just want to tell someone.
He'll be back on Thursday, the 14th.
I could pick him up from the airport, just depends on what time.

Saturday night I had dinner with Holly & Skye. I gave them the update on my one date travelling friend. This man is 42, has 2 kids, his wife is long over & according to our mutual good friends, he just wants someone to enjoy his life with, travel with an laugh with, plus be happy for him & him to be happy with me.

According to Australian statistics, those who divorce or separate mostly remarry between 38-42. It's all the returned goods. Those who have been beaten around a bit & shaped into considerate, interesting men. It's time to find some worthy returns.

Okay, that's all the technical stuff...this should be a place where I tell you the truth.

I love that he has called and emailed and texted me over the last few weeks. I liked him straight away, he's funny & successful and cute and I even like that he's a father (two boys 4 & 7). I can be a step-mother. However, he said to our friends he would like more kids. I could have one.

But he represents a life I've been looking for. A interesting man, a man with plans, with humor and style and someone I feel so comfortable and enlivened and excited by.

Who do I pray to ? God I want this.

Is it possible to know? Only because of our mutual friends, I know where he is from, like the man who is naturally with me in all situations.

I could try to be realistic, but I don't care. Time to see if dreams come true.

What do you want ?

in a man?

are you specific or general ? do you think too much about what you don't want ?

It's not height or money or occupation or fitness level, but I want a man who takes life by two hands. Doesn't phaff, doesn't hesitate & weigh up the risks while the opportunity passes.

Too often I think of things I don't want , but not enough about what I do want. Time to focus more on the likes & desires.

There are too many boring men in this world. They can be interesting for a few dates, easy to chat but not a good laugher or have a good perspective on life and even...the most telling aspect, have no goals beyond financial security.

So....

Last night I was invited to dinner at a friend's house. One of my best old mates. He and his wife are great cooks, have good wines and every now and then have you over for dinner and you just relax, laugh and ...well, drink a little too much, laugh a bit too much but walk away feeling that's how couples with two kids, good jobs and an organised way to host a dinner are. It's informal, there are dogs and casual clothes, loud moments and plate after plate of good food, which you don't gobble, but take bites of, then stop as you enjoy.

The aim of last night was to introduce me to a recently single friend. Someone I've known but not known, heard of, but not really spent time with. It didn't matter if he wasn't right, the night would be good otherwise.

But it wasn't to be. He walked in, wearing a Paul Smith jacket, carrying a bottle of Grosset champagne (a man with champagne!) and just started telling funny stories, asked me lots of questions, used my name a lot & like me, likes to put on accents and tell stupid stories with no point but to show the stupidity of co-workers or people in supermarkets.

It just felt so comfortable, we all relaxed into a long night of talking & laughing. His favourite film is Ferris Bueller...so is mine. My favourite genre is American teen films like Bring it on, Pretty in Pink etc.

He has two kids, that's how it is...he cooks, he wears nice clothes and he's cute. Tall, lots of dark hair (on his head) and shaves his legs, because he cycles. I think my legs were hairier than his !

So he's off to NY for 3 weeks on Thursday. He blurted out, Can you pick me up from the airport ? (only 10 mins from my house) ..and I like picking people up from airports. It's fun. Travellers are relieved to be home & not have to wait for a cab.

Apparently his ex-wife never picked him up. She missed out on some fun.

We shared a taxi ride home. We pashed in the back of the cab. He asked me what he could bring back from NY for me.. I couldn't think of anything. Any ideas?

10 days off !

After working for 4 weeks, the company is closed until Jan 2nd. I can't tell you how much I've looked forward to this time. After 5 years out of corporate life, the last 4 weeks have been tough on my sleeping-in life and my afternoon nap life and my do-it-when-I-please life. Of course I woke up at 6am on the first day off. My body very quickly realised this was an error and has fallen back into 8am starts instead.

I have a house guest for this time too. Jessica from London who likes snorkeling and swimming. We've hit it off right from the start & have fallen into 4 activities... sleeping, reading, swimming and martini's.

Xmas Eve I had a small drinks party at home. To combat fancy food fatigue I decided to have a sausage sizzle complete with white bread and squeeze bottle sauces. Jessica suggested ducking out for a martini before the guests arrived. Two fabulous martini's from the Water Bar later I was ready to great guests. I love learning new ways to host parties better!


There is that moment in the evening when everyone is sitting around, absorbed, engaged, relaxed. That's my moment, being able to set up the situation for my friends to come together and relax & I love that there were kids, babies, singles and marrieds. My grown up moment....well until I put on 'Do they know it's Christmas " circa 1985 & insisted everyone sing.

As for love : I just feel good about myself. The apartment is feeling more like me, the new job is underway & well, if it's not there then I can't worry.

off to have a swim & think about New year's resolutions.

My new life

How's the view ? this is from the rooftop at work. I always like standing next to big blokes as I look small and petite. Notice the glass ? it was the day of the Xmas party & we were warming up with some afternoon beverages.

I could talk about the Xmas party, but I'd rather fill you in on the last few weeks. Thanks to K & SillyV for your promptings..I do appreciate your interest....and will try to make this worthwhile.

Work is both hard and amazing. I've really found an extraordinary company to work for & the people really make it. When I was paid on Friday I also thought, shit...better make them think I'm worth this...cos being paid is such a relief. No more watching the daily sales figures and doling out the small amounts of cash.

My brain is being reorganised every day. Sometimes I can't talk as the words won't come out...my brain is so absorbed in comprehension.

There are lots of lovely men at work but it feels more like a school group. We just have fun, be serious when needed and talk ideas and strategies. It's just nice to take the edge off the situation and just be me. It's a contented but stretched contented feeling because you're taken for your contributions and helpfulness, not your superiority or bossiness.

A group of us have found a mutual love of Duran Duran & have taken to quoting different lyrics. No wonder I like it so much.

This all leads to a new version of Cat's approach to Men. I'm not interested in pursuit, not interested in false starts or contrived flirtations. His interest has to be genuine in both interest and effort. I'm not here to satisfy his ego, nor mine. Would rather pack up early and go home (as if...I'm always the last ! ) so I talk to people and just enjoy myself....or dance like a maniac.

I feel relieved to take the need for effort from me. It's not something I always have to actively pursue...cos that gets tiring. I like my friends and my life too much to be absorbed by incomplete attractions.

new start

I was so unnerved by my first day at this new work. I hardly slept, despite taking a sleeping tablet & almost slept through the alarm. I really want to be organised for this work & even had my outfit layed out.

Now let me go back a few weeks. 2 weeks ago I saw a psychic, a woman I had seen earlier this year & liked her style. My thoughts are about work only. The releasing of financial stress & desire to work with good people has been my focus. She laid out the cards & said, "this is about work, there's a lot of money coming through". You can already tell I got the job, however by the final interview I was a little disinterested. The process was so long: my interest was waivering. She said to tell them...another aspect of being more truthful and less 'pleasing'. On the positive side she said they'll find out how useful I am when I get there, right now they aren't sure where I fit in. It was good to have an insight to their thoughts.

Once we got past the work & living arrangements, we finally go onto love. She said there was someone coming through work. I don't want someone at this work, as it's taken too much to get there. She said he'd be via work, but not at this work. He's intelligent, caring & has had one bad break-up, maybe even kids, but he'll be my soul mate.

Now I dislike this expression. It's been overused & cloyingly referred to in destructive relationships.

I may feel different after a few good months of work. Right now I'm in one of those 'not interested' stages: which I find a relief.

Suddenly November

This year has been difficult but momentus. Everything has changed except my name. Now it's suddenly November and it feels like a different year...is it because of Summer ?

The weather is such a tonic. Long twilights, still fresh mornings, insane greeness and colour. (all observed from inside with lap-top).

The other reason it feels like a different year is within me & what's changed externally. I'm sitting in my apartment where a week ago my brother and his fiancee moved out. I bought a couch, a bed and a tv from ebay & yesterday moved, cleaned and arranged the place. It actually feels like I live here. I even cooked & suprised myself with it's taste.

In the morning I walked into the shop (it's closed on Mondays) and saw the weekly figures (bad) plus the mess..there was stuff everywhere. The racks were a mess, it was dirty and out the back last week's garbage sits around. The place didn't feel like me any more. It's a big messy place where no-one cares. My head just said "I can't clean up this mess anymore"

Which kind of leads to a shift in my relationship perspective. I'm not interested in flirting, not interested in overwhelming powerful connections, nor long nights of outrageous behaivour ..... and the subsequent torturous mental questions that come with new connections.

I want that gentleness. The power of holding hands under the table. Considered conversations of discovery. Seeing kindness in his eyes, not just lust. Having a feeling of being "anchored" to someone and being able to give back, without concern.

So I want someone who knows who they are, wants to share experiences and time with someone & is not in a hurry, but is sure who they want to have in their life.

And I feel incredibly calm about that knowledge of what I want now.

Off to a psychic this morning...lets see what she says!

out of town

Time to be a tourist. I'm off to Melbourne for 4 days. Marilyn has a work conference & I'm the spare friend, so we get to hang out in the city, try the bars and restaurants & be care-free visitors.

We all know how liberating a visit to a cool city can be...the bars are different, you feel enlivened by the same but not same vibe & the flirting is funner.

Interestingly one guy from the other week is also down in Melbourne & has sent a flirtatious email "you really are quite memorable, you know"

I have heard he is a complete flirt and loves older women..he's 29. But he's also quite a player. The fun part is ignoring him.

I'll have inter-state reports to gather. yah!

In other news a guy in my outer circle has broken up with his long term girlfriend. When I heard the news I felt like jumping in with 'good! I like him, can you set us up ! " but thought I should let him recover (he's quite devo over her) and make sure he's invited to our group events.

As the Xmas party season starts the number of events is improving. Just being calm about it all..

My 80s mixed tape !