fairytale

I've wanted to discuss this thought for a while now. One of the psychics I visited last year (who said I would meet someone in march this year... he's a bit late) also said I would get married & it would be 'like a fairytale'. A great thing to hear in a reading, but what I think is a fairytale may not be what the psychic thought or what another person thinks is a fairytale.

for instance. Shrek. He's an ogre & I'm secretly an orge & his best friend is a donkey. That's one fairtytale. Or, I'm a prostitute & he's a corporate banker & he's rescues me from my life of depravity & we both floss our teeth together. Or even, I'm a chardonnay drinking assistant shit-kicker & he's a human rights barrister, & we both wear matching jumpers forever.

what is a reasonable fairytale? something that could actually happen? Boy meets girl, girl drinks too much one night, throws up in taxi & looses her phone, He is haunted by his alcoholic mother so books love interest into AA, once she gets a replacement phone & he can call her & they move to Byron Bay & grown organic wine together.

or something really simple. She likes him, He like her back & they go on a few dates, then start having dinners at home, then start spending Friday nights on the couch with pizza and DVDS until pressure from family creates need to 'formalize' the arrangement. He moves into her place (because that's just what happens) & it all goes from there. I think the current order of commitment is
1. mortgage
2. baby
3. marriage - once baby is cute enough to wear cowboy/ cowgirl outfit to parent's wedding.

so someone will just appear & ask me to commite to a 25 yr mortgage & we'll live happily ever after.

saturday night

Had the flu this week, which slowed me down. Last night had drinks & dinner with TheRussianScotsman. We ordered a bottle of champagne at Cafe Sydney, then headed downstairs to Young Alfred's for pizza dinner. Nice, Easy, Enjoyable. I told him I wasn't in a hurry and that was good to say, the pressure is off. I'm not swapping all my time to be with him, he will be gradually integrated into the social life. Because I've spend years cultivating friendships, social invites & being there for friends. I can't flip into a relationship and dump my former life, I might need it in 3 weeks time anyway.

Rugby is on tonight, then a party, hosted by a single male doctor who is famous for his parties. MrBalconyView is on the list for the invite, which just makes me laugh. No contact from him this week, but he'll be at the party. No manners, no thought.

It just feels good not to have any pressure or objectives or determined outcomes to an evening. To just go & enjoy & take it as it comes.

slowing down

I'm not in a hurry. I used to be. I wanted the immediacy of attraction, lots of attention, phone calls, emails. but not anymore. There's a movement called 'slow food' well this is 'slow dating' or 'slow building interest'.

I discussed this with Sally last night. She likes the bloke downstairs in her building & scans his door everytime she walks past. There is also the waiting for a text response & engineering time in his company. It's an early form of obsession & it's wrong. Sally was the one who advised us all (on the chicks weekend) to 'be yourself & be relaxed' & I furthered that with 'just let go of your expectations'

So in the early stages, until there is an actual relationship, stop expecting. Stop feeling anxious about the speed and amount of contact. Stop being disappointed because he didnt' call you, let his behaivour speak for itself.

MrBalconyView wants to see a film, but hasnt' got to a time or date: whereas TheRussianScotsman has organised dinner on Friday night. Which one do I like more anyway? you guess!

mistakes

some blogs tell all. This is not one of those. I'm not telling everything that happens, just the bits that form the story & progress towards the ultimate goal: a decent boyfriend.

That said I made a mistake on Friday night when I met TheRussianScotsman. I drank far too much. 2 glasses of champagne, then we shared one bottle of wine & another bottle of champagne, then we went to Hemmesphere (a posh bar) there had 2 apple martinis & a caproska. see I drank a lot.! We ended up pashing in the bar, not too much, but enough to make me regret. I muttered something about working the next day & stumbled into a taxi.

work the next day was very hard. I kept having flash backs to the night before. The stupid things said, the amount of drink etc. The one aspect to all this event, is that, I feel it's not the right way to get to know someone, especially in the early stages. Drink fueled the night not our interest in each other.

After speaking to him last night, I said that Friday night had a mind of it's own. We're having dinner this Friday: and i'll make a conscious effort to slow down & get to know him.

on-line confidence boosting

I'm having fun with the internet.

Sally sent me this link.

http://www.goddess.com.au/affirmations.htm

try also the 'what's your goddess sign' based on your birthday. I'm Persephone.

Then my favourite....mystic medusa's oracle. You ask the oracle a question from the drop down list.
Question: - 'I'm Gorgeous! So Why I Am Still Single?'
answer. You get obsessed with someone hard to get and then vanquishing all rivals...it's the chase you're keen on but you find it tough 'closing the deal'.
(madame alison's words! eery stuff!)

Question - 'Simpatico! Is Mr BalconyView Thinking Of Me Right This Minute?!'

answer: Passionately!
(never had that answer before! should stop while I'm ahead.)

i'm not going to analyse this...

For the last week MrBalconyView, my former crush, is back in contact. It started with a one-line email 'hi how are you doing?" & has escalated to a potential movie date. He wants to see 'my super ex-girlfriend'. Not quite top of my list of movies, but he wants to see it, so I'll go.

Years ago, on the verge of my second most serious relationship, that current interest asked me to a movie. The only film I couldn't stand to see, at that time, was Jim Carey's 'Liar Liar'. And that was precisely the movie he wanted to see. We even meet some of his friends in the cinema by accident as well.

I'm not comparing this event, nor analysing or judging his choice: really I'm not.

there's no specific date set, sometime next week, as MrBalconyView is on a 4 day buck's weekend away. I have the russian-name scotsman to meet on Friday night for drinks to keep me occupied. And the new Australian film 'Jindabyne' to see...more my taste.

why mens are like stallions

While at 'Golden Door' health retreat, the nurse, Shirley, told a great story about 'why men are like stallions'. I was reminded of this last weekend when Darren came to stay for dinner. He was quite comfortable with three women present & was the chattiest I've ever seen.

Basically, put a bunch of stallions (collective noun?) in a paddock with one mare & they'll all try to compete, show off or gain attention, in that 'I'm-friskier-than-you' way. Put one stallion with a few mares & he'll be quiet & well behaved....there's more to it than that & it is Shirley's story ...but my point is.....why men never introduce you to their friends & like to have the women to themselves.

It's happened more than a few times. Another great male friend, Arnaud, is happy to be the only male present, even though he has 3 other single male friends, it took 2 years for him to invite them to our parties. Whereas my friends & I travel in groups, we introduce spare men & see if anything happens.

Darren, a friend of MrBalconyView's, dropped into Liz's house the other night. Amanda & I turned up & he stayed for dinner. One man, three women. I think men like these odds. A good dinner is where there is a few more men to flirt with. We all liven up with more men to chat to.

You have to force your male friends to introduce you to theirs. Usually you meet their friends only when the relationship is well & truly established. Whereas women are keen to show their new boyfriend to their friends as soon as possible. Even if the man is just a friend he still wont' share his friends.

Some of our male friends are so reluctant to bring other male friends along we have just stopped inviting them. Wish they would realise they are more attractive if we can meet their friends, guess they are just being stallions with the odds in their favour.

no phone calls, but an email

Haven't heard from MrTouche for a week. We've had 4 dates, but to me, there is nothing. No stomach flips no eye twinkle. There is no reaction, just blank. I'd like to keep in touch but will I call him & just put things in order? 'hello, I'd like to be friends, and I think you'd like one of my friends, call you sometime'. Weird when the rejection is on the other foot.

The day after the Fast Date, I recieved an email. Not quite an email it was just in the subject line. 'hi how are you doing?' it was MrBalconyView. That was it. 8 weeks after his party he sends that. The security footer was 100x longer.

'oh good, I off to see 'urine town' tonight. (it's a musical) what have you been up to?'

thought I throw in the bit about the play...such a weird name & an unexpected response. I am mysterious you know.

We've been emailing every day. The emails are getting longer from him: now up to 4 sentences. The crush is back in motion ! How come, just the day before he sent the email, I was driving by his house and casually thought ' oh, I must be really over him, I dont' even care that I'm driving by his house, that's good, fully over him' and felt pleased with my emotional health.

Why this contact after 2 months? I left him alone, thinking he's is ready to leave the country. The other connections to him have also been silent. But you never know what is happening in somone's life.

More importantly what coping mechanisms have I learnt since? Firstly, not to expect anything from him. Half my anxiety came from my expectations. Secondly, putting my health and fitness first. Yoga is helping enormously. I feel more grounded, less subjected to overpowering emotions, and tonight I start meditation. The teacher is highly regarded & it's just the right activity at the right time.

oh look, I have an email...maybe it's from mrbv?

fast date

I am the professional speed dater. I've been taught to be open, relaxed and have some fun (by a sexologist) so the night Di & I went speed dating was easy. Di is a consumate talker & finds the event like any corporate function she attends. You just have to ask them lots of easy questions.

The company in charge, fast date, are the cheapest. No open bar or snacks. Just one drink and off you go. Decided to use the 'what do you do on the weekend' question, which quickly became boring ( like to go for walks, play touch footy) and I hate to ask what they do for a job (although the PH.D scientist told me straight away he was solving diabetes, didn't wait for any question!) so threw in a red herring...'what's your star sign?' . I did ask the question last, so as not to appear like a freak. One guy refused to answer.

I liked the first guy, a russian named scotsman. After that most were shorter than me or too young. I knew Di wouldn't pick someone just because you should: only if she really wanted too, resulting in a blank card, so picking one person is enough, I thought.

I was a bit over-enthusiastic: eager to show off my new flirting skills, I just laughed & made jokes, moved my body and arms & tried to smile constantly, not make witty back-comments.

The email result the next day, the Russian Scotsman and I matched. Nine others picked me but I didn't pick them. When I spoke to the RS, he said he was confused and ticked everyone on the list as 'friends', whereas I left them all blank. We're having drinks on Friday.

These dating set-ups take all the mystery out of meeting people. I now long for the excrutiating moments prior to asking someone if they have a partner. The kind where you meet someone's friend at drinks or party & try to get to that crucial question quickly without appearing nosey.

I am so hard to please...!

I am the professional single

Monday was low. Left work early and went to Yoga, which is easy as I'm my own boss. There are some luxuries to the challenge of self-employment. All day I just felt wrong. I was contemplating quitting everything, my job, my 5yr old business, any thoughts of a relationship or children seem so remote, as not to be possible. Was this the beginning of my mid-life crisis? as I near 40 (there are 11 months to go) I reel with the situation of my life. How was it I missed finding someone? Will it ever happen. Dont' get this post wrong, I am the best cheerleader for my friends & can turn the positive spin spotlight on myself. But sometimes you have to be realistic.

I've tried positive thought therapy (my own version of) where I read self-help books, do the rituals, have the post-it notes, screen savers all bellowing positive statments until I sound like an american evangelist. Then my australian cynical persona dryly states: it's all a load of crap, just get out there.

A good old scive from work was needed to break the low. Meet Liz at the coffee shop & we just let rip with our lives. Work problems, credit cards going haywire, boys not calling, until we both just shook our heads with the sameness of our lives. Both our phones went at once invading the moment. Back to sorting things in our work worlds. At least we are wanted somewhere.

off to a speed date tomorrow night with Di. (this was organised before I meet mr-touche) I feel like getting sloshed & having fun.

date no. 4

he's warming up. he's becoming more relaxed & easier to talk to. I thought he might be nervous the first couple of times, so last night we meet for sunday night dinner. It was good to start feeling comfortable; stories are being expanded, names are now familiar. Not quite there yet on the desire front, just dont' want to go there yet. There is no rush. We have time.

I've been having panic moments: as I contemplate a relationship. I am comfortable being single. My life is mine, the bed, the bathroom, what I do & when. Everyone talks about the joy of sharing your life with someone, well I do, with my family & friends, and they've been there for years. They are my bricks, my support, all that a person can need. I don't feel a lack. I can wander around the shopping centre, have lunch by myself, see a film, call a friend...it's all fulfilling.

In the down bits, I'll have a long shower, sleep in, go to yoga, talk to a friend, write on the blog!

I do look forward to seeing him. Just letting it unfold & avoiding any panic.

dinner at MrTouche's

He's a catch. And I'm not into him. Why, oh why? he's so lovely. He cooked me dinner on Wednesday. We started with champagne, then baked salmon, too perfect. We talked about lots of things, but am I stupid to think that because we are both the same star sign, Gemini, and talking is one of our traits, that we are just being mad-talking-gemini's? it's all easy company, but too familiar.

or my other theory, that I'm only interested in guys who are not interested in me?

Here's a man who's 'light' is on (men are like vacant cabs, you have to find one with his light on) He wants to settle, he's ready to find a partner & be super-responsible. He's flicked off girls before when he was focused on his business, not ready to settle, and so puts on the cold face & appears disinterested. Now, I know this because I got an email this week from him... he said he was trying not to be distant or cold. Now I have to deal with the puppy face. All eager to be interested.

I can't take it. I feel I don't deserve this attention & I'm not that attracted to him. I like him, but I really want more time to know him before feeling anything. See, I don't trust the lust. The early feeling that puts you on a brain high. It sends you mental. I can't focus on anything, daydream all the time & then it all finishes & I have to sweep my feelings up again & find some hobby (like cooking muffins) to re-wire myself on.

So I'm trying someone I don't feel intensely for. Someone who is ready to be 'a proper boyfriend' & I hope to grow into him. Or maybe I'm completely fooling myself. Argh! I dont' know. Over it, stop thinking & just respond to someone who is being nice to you for once!

seeing him on sunday...

final final filming

a quick aside before discussing the abseiling....

twice it happened this week, was talking to bloke friends who have long term girlfriends, both I've know for ages. Was telling them about the filming, the flirting & how being single is no longer a dirty word. Each of them said they couldn't believe I hadn't been 'snapped-up', and they both knew heaps of guys who thought I was hot (no names, damn) , guys who watch me from afar, talk to other guys about me, who are they ? why don't they approach? or do I not encourage? ! I have no answers! Life is just too bizarre sometimes.

Onto abseiling. It's really a silly activity, going backwards down a mountain with a rope nappy to stop you from going splat.

MrTouche drove, in his nice warm car (the sort with heated seats) we talked, he would glance and look at me (keep you eyes on the mountainous roads, I thought! ) I told him the whole catalyst story: would you believe he went out with Tracy Cox? the writer of SuperFlirt? ! how co-incidence is that?. Thinks shes great & knew her just before she published her first sex guide.

Anyway, the abseiling was near the Scenic Railway at Katoomba. We were perched on a rock overlooking the Blue Mountains and Three Sisters. A great vista & it will look good on camera. The premise of this activity, which will become the opening scene, is us 'facing our fears' . The science host, Dr Paul, introduces the show, mentions the fear of changing ourselves, as we dissapear over the mountain leadge, screaming. The other two 'talents' (that's tv talk, not my tag), Micheal & Hwei were there & it was great to compare notes on filming. Hwei did the best screams as she went over the mountain (really a 5mtr cliff ! ) while Micheal & I contemplated having to catch her from below, her screams were that authentic.

My greatest fear was being filmed from behind: irrational but necessary, I thought. While the film crew set up at the base of the cliff. Julie, the producer, asked me to abseil down & look fearful. As I leaned out of the cliff, Julie yelled out 'what was that request? not to film from behind?' as I realised, Bridget Jones style, I was ready to go bottom first down the cliff right into the camera. Tricked!

MrTouche was there the whole time. I did tune out from him being there, as I tend to worry if people are not having a good time. I gave him the option of leaving and coming back later, but he seemed to be comfortable. Later as we drove home, talking the whole way, he asked if I wanted to come over for dinner during the week. I had no good reason to say yes or no as I dont know my feelings at this stage. I'm not enamoured of him, but not ready to say no. So I said yes.

wednesday, dinner at his place. tbc....