update on MrBV

At the end of his party, I cornered MrBV & demanded to know what he thought of me. My liking of him had been going for a year& a half, more recently over the last 5 months. It was torture. We hung out in a group, did cool things, but never alone. And you start to think you are stupid. At the age of 38, I've been down this track before. I've had crushes on men who turn gay, those that are gay but you don't find out for 6 months, and those that are great at being your friend.

ENOUGH !

A simple 'I don't like you like that' is fine. It's reality & you can't fantasize on that. It's the
he's-just-not-into-you stuff.

So on Monday I sent MrBV a thank you for his party, an apology for hasseling him & another thanks for inviting MrTASF (his gym buddy).

He sent back the nicest email & elaborated on how much he enjoys my company, thinks I'm great & that he is deliberately single because he wants to move overseas ! there it was the real truth of his life. He likes being single & is purposely staying so. It makes so much sense to ask people what is really going on. (for those who know MrBV, its a secret so don't say anything)

Torture, though, is a transferring emotion. I am no longer tortured by MrBV. MrTypeASuperFit now has that honor.

letting go

Mr TypeA-SuperFit hasn't called yet to organise dinner. In my usual demanding way I want specialness. Call now; put me at ease.

However, this time I'm going to do the whole 'beginning-of-something' differently. Usually everything is over in 3 weeks. It's the magic time frame for making relationship decisions. It used to be 3 months: but the world is getting faster, so things like taking the time to know someone suffers in our haste. According to SuperFlirt I should make myself scarce. I will slow down the number of times I see him, the obsessional thoughts I have, but can't quite leave the psychic & astro aspects of discovering someone. I can do these alone anyway. He doesn't need to know, I will just share this with you lot.

I can't remember his birthday, although I saw his driver's license (I'm not stupid.. you need to see those things within an hour of pashing someone) but can't quite remember his birthday. I think he is is a Virgo, an early Virgo, (whoa! steve the astrologer said I should go out with an early Virgo) so have to leave all the astro stuff until I see the license again.

Then you can Google them. You type his name into Google & see if he comes up on web sites. I did this once for a date & found out he was a black belt in karate. Unfortunately MrTASF has a common name. His last name is Robinson, how cool is that? I could be Mrs Robinson (in a simon & garfunkel way)

All I can do is use the psychic cards. I don't like tarot, the death card scares me. It also reminds me of a former flat-mate/ witch who had her own version of what my cards said. I have two packs of cards called 'trust your vibes' & 'ask your guides' both by Sonia Choquette. I bought them off a web site in the US, so they must be good. I picked one & it said 'let go', I have done everything I can, it said, so wait for the universe to do it's bit. Okay, Okay. I just have to wait.

What a shame I'll be in Coolum on the weekend. My recently seperated friend, Nicole & I are off to indulge at the Hyatt for 3 days. Her coming-of-divorce treat. My still-single treat.

The best flirt in the world

There I was on MrBV's balcony, he looked at me & said 'you are the most amazing flirt' & then we pashed. Right in front of everyone. Right in front of the whole 70 other people who could very clearly see us through the enormous glass doors. Right in front of MrBV.

Shall I backtrack? my three girlfriends & I got there early, we organised the champagne & got going. We were out to scan the room, push aside all the marrieds, stop talking to other chicks & concentrate on the singles. MrBV was running around & left us alone. My friends were all encouraging me to get closer, interrupt him, but I just couldn't force it. The room soon filled up.

Music & a glass of champagne are my friends. the DJ, who looked like Yahoo Serious was determined to play his own set. No requests. And Suddenly I turned into a performance artist. The couch, the walls, the floor were all my props. I posed, slid, shimmied on all these things. People stopped. I told them MrBV hired me as a performance artist to liven up the place. Just sometimes I go crazy: this was one of those nights & it was hilarious.

Then he appeared. A man enchanted by my performance, MrTypeASuper-fit. My flirt skills just poured out of me. I was loosened up, ready to have fun. We talked, laughed & I performed. & thats when he said, 'come out to the balcony, I can't hear you in here'. I had convinced him I was The superflirt & extremely high maintenance. We are going out for dinner this week. Hurrah!

I did just one silly thing. I went and asked MrBV, the question. I had spent half the night pinning for him, and the other half max-flirting with MrTASF. I just asked if he thought of me in any special way. He said, he thought I was fun, great to hang around with but no. I wanted to hear that. I wanted to bury the issue. over. final. finished. & as my great friend Nicole would say. 'move on'.

I resolved one thing & started another. Life has changed & I'm ready for it.

Party Tonight

I'm at work today, perfect to distract myself from thinking about the party tonight. It's MrBalconyView's housewarming & 70 people are coming.

I had my housewarming 2 months ago (MrBV came) and as the hostess I had no time to properly talk to anyone, MrBV was great, he was in fine form, chatted to everyone & I thought there was some attention thrown my way. But in his world everything moves so slowly, so again we see each other in a group setting, never one-on-one.

Before I leave tonight for the party, the preparations are enormous! firstly have to bone-up on the SuperFlirt techniques...as Dr Morrisey said, just have fun & be responsive, then paint toenails, arrange hair & make-up & check & doulble check outfit. Brush teeth too.

Maybe in the crush of tonight I may be able to tease him about always seeing him in a group. I'd like to do a gallery thing with him. He loves photography.

Sometimes I get wells of panic rising up. That i'll be overwhelmed with the event & end up mute, drinking more champagne than necessary. Went to yoga last night to sweat out these issues. Interestinly the class focused on breathing, deeply, as a means to stay calm. A simple but good point. It does sound so basic it's silly, but small things can get you through. Breath deeply before entering the room. Then head straight for champagne.

What do I think will really happen? it will be noisy, crowded & MrBV & i will chat, but will get distratcted again. Fun, but nothing noteworthy.

final filming event organised

Next Thursday is the final filming event. it's all about 'loosening-me-up' & being a better flirt, via the lessons in the SuperFlirt book. A private lambada class is organised & this is the magic moment when you see me being new & improved.

I think the Reiki session at the Door opened me up, that & break-dancing one night. I can dance in front of people, it's my silly thing. But can I dance & flirt? watch me be a two-trick pony!

party this weekend

the other topic of the week, is MrBV's party, this saturday. I just want to look great, bright shining eyes, fab frock & practise flirting & not worry about the outcome (most important). He may already have chicks wanting to out-flirt me. It's just a 'go & see what happens' event. He is the host & will be distracted by everyone. Making an impression is my thing & to confirm how I feel in his company.

however, monday morning, first day back I get emails from him about a Countdown concert, then I asked about the party (he's not organised) and the emails are flying. For 2 days he asks my advice & we plan going to the concert in september.

By saturday I will be using every calming technique I can muster, short of swigging vodka, including meditation, SKII face packs, rescue remedy & going to the toilet a lot. I feel sick but look outwardly calm.

The Door

Golden Door, is a health retreat in QLD. My friend Liz & I were burnt-out. We were saggy, not sleeping, head-ache prone & generally lost our joy. Years ago I went to a similar retreat, Camp Eden, & loved the results. The measurement is in terms of 'the holiday bubble', my camp eden bubble lasted 6 months. I wanted the same turn-around results. A 7 day detox, early morning wake-up fest, fresh food and being physical not mental for most of the day.

This is what happens, everyone is woken up at 5:45am, for 6:15 tai chi, followed by a mountain walk (various grades), then breakfast. Your schedule is ready then, showing the day's activities, seminars, stretches, yoga, pilates, boxing etc, plus any one of the 4 included treatments (3 massages & 1 facial). The rules are no phones, meat, alcohol, coffee, tea or cigarettes & no leaving the camp for that time. You can take calls at night in areas where the phone works. Food was low-fat, low GI with fish and eggs included.

The first few days I keep falling asleep in the seminars. I can do the early wake-up & the walks were beautiful, but I start to flag latter in the day. Slipping off to my cabin for mini-naps was also allowed.

There are pages of extra treatments to take, including nutrition, hot rocks, acupunture. I took Reiki, a 'laying-of-hands' therapy. I thought it would help me in meditation, another extra course we both wanted to take. The treatment rooms were warm and inviting, lots of candles, smells, fresh towels & soft lights. Without going into it too much, I did feel the loosening of muscle tension, a calmness and flashes of colours in my head, which related to the opening of various chakras.

I love being bouncy and physical, swimming, walking, stretching. I found that joy quickly and learnt to separate my mind. I told it to 'shut-up' and stopped thinking about so many things. This detachment is also essential in meditation, said Kam (yes, with a K) the teacher. Cracking the nut on meditation was also good, but I'm such a 10 minute meditator, just a beginner.

The food also had an enormous effect. Basically low GI foods keep you fuller longer. Within 3 days no-one rushed to the buffet table. The stomach rumblings & the sugar cravings/ afternoon slump disappeared. The chef gave a cooking demonstration, I bought the book & am continuing the formula, which is amazing for me as I am so disinterested in planning meals & cooking.

Learning to switch off the mind helped in another areas. I stopped obsessing about my love life. As the camp motto is 'it's all about you' meant not the prima donna version of that statement, but looking after yourself first, thinking of what makes you balanced. Any spare time can do into obsessing, but it started to feel pointless & a waste of energy. quelle relief.

Reader, it's become important to look after yourself first, stop obsessing, then distract yourself with activity that will benefit you. We are all aiming to be ourselves but with an equal partner who you also 'let him be'. Two individuals, no dominant/ submissive/ compulsive behavior.

I finished the week with a final Rieke session. Michael, the practitioner, said 'wow, you are so grounded & different' I felt it. My legs felt solid, totally plank-like & strong. The session began with strong sensations of purple lights, warmth all through my chest & the sense I had unblocked my stomach area & I could really breathe. It all sounds weird & did-I-have mushrooms for lunch?, no, but it just made me feel great. I was ready for home & reacting well to my world.

Got back a few days ago & had a mini-fit. Saw Liz last night & she said 'you look weird' I felt weird, everything seems wrong, changes need to be made. My muscles were twitching constantly & I couldn't settle. All the calmness I sought was missing. What happened to my joy at the camp ? I was break-dancing, doing the extreme walks & feeling totally grounded and switched on to myself.

This morning I decided to take control & do whatever I needed to shake the weirdness.

to be continued...

next trick

My thrice-married aunt swears that after going to a specialist health retreat (Camp Eden, Golden Door) you will never look better in your life, your eyes will be shining, skin clear, mentally relaxed & that you'll meet your husband a week after the camp.

Eleven years ago I went to Camp Eden. No luck. Fell in lust with a man who turned out to be gay. so sydney

This Sunday I leave for Golden Door. A week later is MrBV's party. We both know what I'm thinking!

thoughts on feedback

Well, I feel like a re-invention is going on. I am aware of giving responsive gestures, responding to people, not being 'business perfect' or in 'smile neutral' position. I feel liberated ! .... just need someone to practise on besides the regular coffee shop people.

Also have to get back 'SuperFlirt' book from friends. They latched on it at the pub a few nights ago & are taking turns to borrow the book. Although everyone is starting to reveal their own flirting techniques. For instance, a american southern 'belle friend revealed she always keeps eye contact as she goes for a kiss right next to the lips, never lower your eyes she says, as they say you want them, and bingo! the men respond by kissing you back on the lips.

And special news...MrBalconyView is having a party ! how excitement. I'll be on my best flirt behaivour!

Feedback time!

Two days after the speed date night, I meet with Dr Gabrielle Morrissey & Dr Paul Willis from the Catalyst team for an assessment of my 'flirting style'. Normally I would be mortified to be filmed then analysed, but this now seems a normal aspect to my single life...I have coaches, film crews & a planned agenda. too weird.

I was first asked a few questions about what I'm looking for, do I go outside my parameters (do I date exotics? ) & how did I think I went. Gabrielle was great in summarising my inane comments! When asked what I was looking for, I answererd 'someone whose nice, has a job, is fit & can leave stress behind', Gabrielle said I'm looking for an evolved man & that shouldn't be too hard to find: we all laughed.

When they played the video I was astonished that I didn't look like a hag. Imagining my bags, pimples & smudged lipstick all on film, I scrubbed up okay. First relief. They played a few bits, talking to guys, close ups, hands to face etc. Nothing very suprising in my behaivour. Paul then asked if I had attended finishing school or June Dally-Watkins deportment classes, as I appeared upright & held myself in my lady position. This was the entree to the analysis. In fact I didn't change much with anyone, I was polite, open, engaging, upright, but I was not obviously flirting. I was being SUBTLE. There is was the subtley word. I was revealed as the princess of subtely.

From there Gabrielle said, I should loosen up, physically, engage more, use hands, lean forward, move into bodyspace, not necessarily touching, nor about showing flesh, just moving your body. All the while she was acting out the exact moves described to me, it was enlightening & obvious, to see these engaging maneuvers performed & it was all harmless, not obvious, just inviting.

The basic premise is to show someone you are interested by responding: getting closer, be more engaging, just like you are telling a great story to friends! but you do it to a stranger.

The upshot was I behaved as if at a corporate or business function, not at a flirt fest! & you should have fun she said, and anyway after 7 minutes they moved on, so just go for it.

It was also revealed one of the speed date guys had ticked every girl, it was Zaash, my only match. how strange.

The flirt therapy was over, I felt the clunk of enlightenment hit. My challenge was to go forth and be obvious, and with the help of 'Superflirt' by Tracey Cox, (their present) I could flirt less like the Princess of Subtley.

Next filming: to be confirmed, supposebly me being a better flirt.

Speed date matches

The matches come through the next day via email. Only one. Zaash. quelle surprise. One of his comments was "are you a player? I don't' like players" as the northern beaches area he lives in is full of players, apparently. The question was surprising, did I look like a player? or, most likely, he wants to be in control, doesn't' want his heart broken. Another likely is that if men don't treat their partners well, give them attention, make a fuss, then they are likely to stray?

Speed Date

I've now recovered from the angst of speed dating. All your senses are assaulted at once: you are there to actually talk to 10 guys who are also actively looking for a partner, or maybe a play-mate (more about them later)

Firstly a few filming moments, I was shot entering the bar then putting on lipstick in the bathroom while commenting on my nervousness. I wasn't nervous, just knowing you have to perform socially AND there is a film crew AND a sexologist watching your moves. So this is how celebrities feel. Give me anonimity anyday.

The idea was Dr Gabrielle Morissey, a well know sexologist, would study your moves, your body language as you interacted. She would then give you the low-down a few days later. Thus discovering what offensive moves you made to hinder any potentials.

The bell began & the conversations started. I had spoken to some in the pre-amble of arriving & one of these was my first partner, Andrew. I usually start the conversation & I have only one questions 'what do you like doing on the weekends, or time off' most of the guys listed sports, but each had other interesting activities.

There is 7 minutes to find out something which you would want to pursue later. It feels awful to look for reasons to discard someone, but experience tells you where they live (ie far away) what they do for a living, etc are points for you to compare & make note.

There was one key issue & that was my age. Most of the guys were young, a few might be creaping to mid-30s, generally close to 30. So young & bursting with fitness! I just wanted to deflect from age related pop-culture give-aways, eg. my favourite band is Duran Duran !

Highlights: The guy who wanted to get married and have children; life was not worthwhile otherwise, the wedding photographer (sweet but) the plethora of airline pilots..! I've just read 'Air Babylon' about the going's on of airline crew. Two of the pilots were friends, the third was a learner. The exprienced pilots were a bit miffed their thunder was stolen by the unknown third, so they berrated him to the others. Boys can be bitchy sometimes.

I ticked 4 guys, mostly on the insistance of the fast date staff. Not worried if I get a match, but nice to know I can pull the wool on the age thing.

Next filming: Dr Morrissey's response to my flirting style!

obsessive online tarot usage

the internet has so many uses & the psyhics have found some marvellous ways to channel our universal concerns down the data pipes.

I have two favourites, Mystic Medusa oracle & Salem Tarot's 3 card reading...all free.

The oracle involves closing your eyes and let the arrow fall on a piece of pie, click for the answer! Salem Tarot ask you to click on the button after focusing on your issues; generating 3 tarot cards & their meanings.

Of course, I want to know about MrBalconyView. I asked Mystic 'if he likes the way I look' & the answer was 'yes, but be more subtle'....How can I be more subtle ? I am the Princess of Subtlety.! mystic can be very challenging, but right, annoyingly.

I found more joy with the tarot. In shorthand, cup cards are good, as they are the love cards. My reading ended with 10 of cups. a good sign. I am pleased with the psychic world. Just need a physical world action, ie. a phone call...or text..or email.

the psychic world says yes.

practising my skills

Tried to be more forward, as Madame Alison say's 'deal-closing', with MrBalconyView on Saturday night. It was a group thing to see Pete Murray at theEnmore Theatre, but I spent much time talking & laughing with him. I think laughing helps, instead of trying to out-wit his last comment. We ended up sitting next to each other & all I can say is the seats are small and close together.

I have a freaky relationship with MrBalconyView. We knew each other 20years ago at our schools, I know all his friends, even took one to my formal (of course, he's gay now). We meet again last year & although we went out for dinner, nothing has happened since, except in group situations. The problem is he never calls to have a seperate outing, its always group stuff & heaps of fun. I can't call, so I tried to be more open with MrBV on Saturday.

mind you Steve the astrologer said the 'aquarian' (mrBV) wont' call me & because I won't call him, then we are stuck. So who is right? the astrologer ? or my gut feeling that MrBV will finally do something because we had a good Saturday night? time will tell & so will this blog.

comment from friends

From "Madame Alison"

This Week is the beginning of big things for you. I'm confident that all the Virgoan moons that you could ever want must surely be in alignment today.

Madame Alison predicts an increasingly stellar fashion career, growing in tandem with the acquisition of "deal-closing" flirt skills. As a complete neo-luddite, this is the first blog that I have evere encountered, let alone commented upon. Consequently I'm unsure of what sort of comments I should actually be making. I'm resisting any urge togive you a mark out of ten, although I've thoroughly enjoyed your writing style!I find your global frankness astonishing and I sincerely hope that confronting your fears and embracing the notion of "to thine own self betrue" brings you liberation and renewed vigour. My only advice in your quest is to be wary of so-called Alpha girls or boys that make you feel like a gibbering Epsilon and subtly erode yourself-esteem with discreet put-downs and status games. Such relationships are missing the fundamental bedrock of supporting and appreciating eachother as equals with different gifts. Here's hoping that an early rising Virgo will moon you soon.

from "La Jones"
I agree with the neo-luddite! Beware the alphas - if we apply astrology theory, those who present as alphas through their unflinching display sof self-confidence and sureness of foot and opinion, probably have their ascendent in insecurity and their moon in envy. You are the true alphagirl - leading the way with your originality and sincerity.Your blog was very entertaining and revealing and, like Madame Alison, I am full of admiration for your frankness. Fear not - I think I speak for both of us when I say we will still be your friends even though you voted for John Howard.

Fast Dating

Tuesday night (tomorrow) is the second filming event. I am slighty above the age range, as the other two science rats are younger.

There should be 10 guys to meet, with 7 mins to find out as much as you can. A gong is struck to signal the end of the time. It's quite easy to talk for 7 mins & I love that there is an exit clause to each conversation. I'm a bad mingler & get stuck talking to the wrong bloke (like Kim the Carpet Man.... sometimes it's best not to talk about someone's work! )

There are several tricks to having a good fast date.
1. stand up & greet each man as he approaches your table. assesing him by height is crucial. no use getting on with someone you consider the wrong height.
2. write a few words about each person as they exit your table. eg. Karl 37, mortage broker, lives with his mum. or Derek, 40, fit, nice shirt.
3. dont' drink too much. Have one glass for nerves & then switch to a sparkling drink. I think it's rude to have a plain water...it looks so boring.
4. leave at the end, go to the bathroom if you need some quiet space to fill in your card.

will let you all know how it went!

a nice story

my friend, Nicole, has just recently ventured onto RSVP. She is taken back by the hordes of undesirables who are contacting her. I call them the 'bottom dwellers' ...just because you are single, putting yourself out there, they think you will be interested in their two greyhounds, stubbies, thongs, 4 kids (at home sometimes) & living distance of 100kms from the nearest coffee shop. please!

So it was really nice to catch-up with Yvette the other night. She is the epitomy of an RSVP fairytale & I wanted to hear how the Fiji wedding plans were going. The Tiffany & Co wedding ring flashed as she told me frankly it has had it moments, but he is so nice to come home to, leaves his (stress corporate) life behind & they throughly enjoy each other company & laugh heaps. Fantastic!

Yvette's story, although filled with roses, diamonds and a nice bloke, has one simple element to it .... he is nice to come home to & he leaves his stress behind. That alone was worth hearing. That a nice bloke exists who also enjoys his work, but is now mature enough to balance it all.

Having a life at home, which you can look forward to as you leave work, is the part I miss the most.....the search contiunes.