Almost time

The radiation didn't work on Mum, she's one of the few for whom it doesn't work. She's near the end, not sure when the end is, but it is happening. When I spend time with her I have to take a long walk and think of things to do. We've watched enough day-time telly & it gets depressing. The news loops of cable are also mind numbing.

I've read things to her, looked at photos and made comments, played classical music, massaged her feet, joked and stroked her hair, held her hand and just lay there. She can't walk, too weak, and is lying in bed. Today I'm going to read her my short stories. Those that I wrote in Saturday classes in June. Some are about her, memories of holidays etc. She wasn't purposely in the stories, but the ones she is mentioned I will read to her.

I don't feel very reflective now, just being active, seeing friends, not thinking sad thoughts of Mum's imminent death, so this blog is feeling strained.

My alcohol intake is constant. I could drink three glasses of wine a day, have a few cigarettes and fall asleep in that numb way. As summer is nearing and sunrise is earlier, Calypso demands I get up earlier and do longer walks...so there is an opposite health response too.

I've seen Mr Enthusiastic every week, sometime more, I've drunk lots with him & dumped my worries on him too. We went to a play on Iraq last week. The first hour was a monologue, interesting, but at half time we discovered the play was 3 hours long. I made the executive decision to take off & we found a pub to finish the night at. It's these things which make spending time with him great.

I can't write much more, It's just not there...but I did need to give this small update.

declaration

Friday afternoon & I'm off for the weekend. Just a bunch of friends, some who surf, some with kids, but I have my 'plus one'..! my dog! Can't wait to take her for big walks along the beach and through the bush. She's also doubles as an excellent hot water bottle.

It's still a little cold here..about 18 deg in the day...almost the end of winter.

Last night Mr Enthusiastic came by & declared his interest in me. He'd like to spend more time with me & really likes me. We have had a few good nights out..nothing happens & being vague I had put him in the friend basket, a friend I've drunkenly pashed but not that interested in any more. The physical thing is just not there.

Yes, I will give-it-a-go, try him on for size, etc. Maybe, just maybe he'll grow on me... It would be good if I could magically be passionately interested in him.

Other things are going on in my life. I've been spending half my time with Mum. She needs a carer or someone there to help her do everything. The radiation treatment really exhausted her. She sleeps almost 18hours, has to be helped to walk & has almost lost her hair.

Two days ago she let out a yell. We'd switched the pay TV to Fox news... Mum loves US politics and the Democrats convention had just started. She came alive watching the almost 24hour coverage. The day Hilliary spoke she didn't have an afternoon sleep. It was lovely to see her more alert, more physically able.

How does all this affect me...lots of lovely people are asking me & being very considerate... I'm just in action mode... I am enjoying my time with Mum. She's a funny woman & very kind to all of us...it's such a strange but rewarding situation, but it's because her essence is still very much there..her facial squints of disapproval, her soft smile & her cryptic way of expressing herself. As her hair matted and fell out, she said it 'was like China' huh? I said, thinking of cups of tea, porcelain, delicate or something to do with China and tea... ' Birds nest' was the answer. Her hair was like the Birds Nest, the Olympic stadium in Beijing, China.

Substance abuse is also my coping mechanism. I have to have a few glasses of wine every night. And a few cigarettes. And walk my dog....so glad to get that yapping, chewing dog

realisation

Lunch went until 9pm. There are some photos on Facebook, of the Truffles we ate, my old friends and The Traveller. I did wear the plunging top then put on scarf which covered it all up. I'm useless.

So what happened ? I got to tell the 'being arrested' story. Which happened the night I saw him last. And where my business is going, but these stories were told to the table.

I just thought, he's lovely, he's nice but he doesn't really like me, enough. And I didn't feel like trying. So I didn't sit next to him, I didn't ask him how his family is... he asked me about Barack Obama (we both like US politics)..but essentially there was no light, he didn't give off any flirt vibes. I've had his attention before & the difference was obvious...not rude, but just not there.

He left at 6pm, while a bunch of us stayed on.

So this morning, it felt over. In my mind anyway. A sad feeling, but an answer nonetheless.

Argh! Sunday lunch

Do I wear the cleavage top? silly question, of course I will. Sunday lunch is for Basil and his 40th. He's buying a truffle & cooking us all lunch. The Traveller will be there (I bloody hope so, after all this!)

I don't know what impresses Men anymore... cleavage, blonde hair ? a father who owns a pub. Well, I'm going to run a bar and I have the cleavage, so the blonde hair will have to wait. But I'm doing it for me. One thing about being older is you don't care to suit someone else's fantasies or ideals...you either like them or not & vice versa.

I just had a jewish guy in the store...I like jewish men, he was funny and touched my arm a few times... The Traveller is jewish, but he definately doesn't want a jewish wife, we spoke about this a few times. His ex is anglican. Being a catholic is appealing to him...we've had great conversations about religion and found so many parrallels...religions have many similarities and I feel comfortable that he enjoys his spirituality and religion, but it's his & mine is mine. Each to ourselves but fully respected.

Another thought that calms me, being 41 now, I'm resolved about not having children. I love my nieces, my cousins and my godchildren & everyone else's kids, but have no desire to have my own. There are too many things to do. Also not good at that kind of responsibility. My dog is enough.

It also feels like a deadline to have a child now & the risks are that much higher. Taking that pressure off to procreate is a relief, not a regret.

The pressure in it's place is to live a full life. To do those things which are harder for those with kids. To write & to build my next business. (details to come)

anyway... I didn't think about Sunday lunch for about 10 mins then. Panic is back. Don't panic...stay calm, I'm telling myself. Argh!

Posting from elsewhere

Mum is asleep downstairs, Antiques Roadshow is on cable & I'm at their house caring for Mum for a few hours. She got home from hospital yesterday after finishing radiation treatment.

I want to manage my time better. All I do is walk the dog, see Mum, go to the shop & drink. I feel fat & unproductive. How can I look good for Sunday lunch?

Sunday is lunch at best male friends house, Basil & his wife Lavender. It's his 40th & he's cooking lunch & bringing out the special wines, stored for peak maturity in his 40th year. There are 8 people for lunch, including, The Traveller. I am interested to see him again, of course. Always good to follow up on past interests and see if 'the liking' is still there or was entirely self created.

I'll be using cheap but effective beauty methods. A razor for the legs, facecloth for the body & face & a good long shower with lots of smelly stuff. That won't help the hair colour re-growth, but at least it'll be clean.

But I take a new philosophy. It's like a new secret weapon for me...a thought position that protects me from unwanted emotional responses, like lust & drunken desire.

I only like people who are interested in me.

Blokes who ask questions, look at me & not the crowd & take the conversation to that tangent you create together. For instance, last weekend at lunch, we had plates of prawns. I was playing with my prawn & imitated a mini scream as I ripped off it's head. Then I made a ringing sound & passed my friend a prawn 'It's for you' I said. He placed in on his ear and said 'Hey it's a blue-tooth-prawn.'

Now back to doing my laundry & ironing everything in sight...so I'll have something to wear on Sunday.

The Challenge begins

Four days after my last post in June, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. She's in hospital this week undergoing radiation treatment. We've been given a time frame & are working on quality of life for her. She's 67 on Saturday and had to resign as a Kindy teacher (to 2 & 3 yrs old) because of the illness. Her granddaughter is one of her students.

Lucikly the hospital is very close to all of us & family and friends have been amazing. Flowers arrive daily, the visitors book is filled with people saying hello & leaving magazines and saying prayers (something I've taken up again)

So many people have told me their carer stories...looking after a parent, younger brother or friend in palliative care & how they just gave up as much time as possible to spend with them. I ran into an ex colleague on Saturday who looked after her younger brother for 9 months while he suffered from motor neurone disease ( like the book The Diving Bell and the Butterfly) We both shed tears in the street, the freezing cold street halfway between two pubs when she told the story.

Dad called me yesterday, asked if I was sitting down. That coldness runs through you as you wonder what he's been told, has Mum's time been cut short ? No, a friend's wife just died, fell over in the street and had a heart attack. Sue was the same age as Mum, and part of their wonderful circle of friends, the kind you know as a child and had holidays with.

Is it better to have a parent pass quickly or slowly? is this preparation time a gift ? Yes it is. I'm talking to my sister almost daily, I'm seeing the generosity of aunts and cousins, the tears of friends as I tell them & the intelligence and compassion of the staff at St Vincents Hospital.

We're collecting photos of mum, from her work life with kids to her with the grand children. You know how everyone has boxes of photos or files on their computer but they are never put all together ? that's our current project. When people ask us what they can do we ask for photos. We'll put them in a book using a system like Lulu... a special book for her, for us and for anyone who wants to see what she means to children.

Photo: Mum & the three of us.

sticking point

I don't think about relationships all day, only here, my 30 min zone for these thoughts. So last night's brain doodle was, what characteristic would the right man have for me ?

And it comes down to morals...as apposed to being conservative...because some good people don't stand up for what's right. But the courage to know when something is wrong and call it. Silence is not an alternative to strength. I prefer Atticus Finch or James Stewart to Tom Cruise. Morals are attractive. Clarity in confusion is attractive.

Someone who has a charity side, a sense of family, kindness to friends in need, but knows when to speak plainly. I actually think it's the best way to live life. To be kind, generous and to accept the mistakes of others and of yourself

The facades of bravado in a man are transparent to me. Just by speaking louder or bossing people around is not leadership. Letting people be hysterical for a bit and then calming them through logic is more attractive. Hard decisions are also respected.

I want a man I respect. Who takes responsibility for his place in the world and what it may chuck at him.

Years ago I watched a documentary on the Lloyd's Names. During a particularly bad insurance run in the early 90's they had to pay, not the reverse. This caused the financial downfall of many and forced the sale of family estates, cut backs in livelihood & for many with inherited wealth, they didn't have the knowledge to build it back again. Sad for history, but that is what history is about.

It focused on a dapper, well kept gentleman in his 60's with that leanness that comes from a good life and health, he walked into a sweet terrace house while flashbacks showed a much grander residence, lost in the Lloyd's payment. He sat at his antique desk, surrounded by photos in silver frames, and stated..."Well I built it up once, I can build it up again"

In other words, bad luck happened, but my skills are still intact.

In the confusion of men's role these days, I find the facets I admire are timeless. Courage, morality, intelligence and being indefatigable.

single comfort factor

As I prepared for my birthday cocktail party, I was happy to organise, create and set-up the list of drinks, ingredients, decorations, guest list and music. Knowing my friends would all pitch in and help with various foods and mixers, although I was providing the bulk of the goods, I felt utterly complete.

yes, I'd love to hire a waiter or barman or buy a case of french bubbles, however, I hope that I gave my friends a good night out. Certainly the dog, Calypso, had a good time. She slunk up to everyone and was thoroughly adored. Like me, she has a hard time knowing when to say good night.

Mr Enthusiastic wanted to stay over & Calypso acted as both chaperon and contraceptive. My dog is becoming more useful daily.

My life is not complete, yet, and I have grand plans for the rest of the year, but the aching need for someone else has disappeared. Mr E is sweet and Mystery Man is a true friend, but not worth all my time. My alone time is so enjoyable. Do you have that feeling? the house is empty...you can play your music, the only mess is yours and you have mess amnesia for that, a bit like can't smell my own fart-itis.

Some people panic without structure, order, a certain amount in the bank...but not me. Am I an internal hippie? I don't need perfection, either for my physical or economic means. I like to treat people right, be empathetic, kind, & I detest a locked in mind.

People ask me why the dishwasher still isn't fixed, or the rip in the couch, or the curtains still unlined, and the real truth is lack of money, but the house is arranged for living. Everything is in a good position, the magazines are tempting, the sun shines on the outdoor cane lounges and everyone is relaxed. And the dog is a bonus.

I just want to get my plans up and running...maybe self fulfillment is what I've discovered.

Reverse underpants theory

Those nights when you are waxed, smoothed, oiled, tanned, glowing, boobs are in alignment and your underpants are matching. Not just matching, but they snap and fit perfectly, no lines, no bulges... you actually look like a burlesque performer, right before the last scene when she does something with a harmonica and a feather.

That's the night you thump in the door, crash without taking off makeup and sleep face down so both pillow and your face resemble a used tissue.

The next time you go out you're like a bank that just lost it's Triple A credit rating. A little less shiny & some corners need to be cut. It's jeans not a dress, it's comfort shoes not stilettos' and it's the reliable undies and bra. The kind that was not made to match. The bra is from the t-shirt range, comfortable, no wires and doesn't make you sit so upright. The undies came in a pack & you bought them, not only for the hygienic cotton element but the fun retro pattern.

That's the night you are less witty, more humble, less hair-flicking, as it's tied like a sideways sitting pony & your makeup is basic. No magic concealers, bronzer or make up primer. Just a slap of this and that.

Getting all dressed up seems like too much of an effort. More fun to sit back and watch others try their hardest. You take a position on the couch or table, and let others do the manoeuvring, you just sit and chat normally. Then a strange thing happens. You become the centre of the night. By sitting still you are the home base, the place of retreat from the hectic mating dance.

Conversations develop, jokes become intertwined with the evenings activities and you don't' care about bad lighting or elbows on the table. It becomes slightly conspiratorial as you spend more time with the witty boys and not the pretty boys.

Out of the laughter and confessional conversation your prime light is ignited. Witty Boy no. 2 goes home and Witty Boy no.1 stays on. Body heat increases along with alcohol consumption, but it's not a race, it's a prop. It keeps you sitting there longer, only when both glasses are empty will you break the seal and go home. Pretty Girl No. 1 breaks that moment for you. She's exhausted herself flirting and her feet hurt. She sits down with you & tries to talk. You get her a glass of water and she's asleep on the couch by the time you return. Witty Boy no 1 adjusts her dress as she sleeps: an exposed drunk girl is no porn for anyone.

Lights on, the pub is closing. Just when you can smell his skin and see the lashes on his lower lids. Your eyes look at him in pieces. Top lip, bottom lip, jaw, ears, hair line, lashes and then down to his neck and chest. Strangely you can have an excellent conversation about American politics at the same time as this eye fondle.

Drunk girl is awake and searching for all her accessories - phone, bag, lipstick and left shoe. Which she was sitting on. We help her into a cab are we are now alone, on the footpath with the night air snapping our thoughts into some decision making. That's when you realise you are wearing the wrong underwear. No matter, he's wearing a very tatty t shirt and jeans. His will be worse.

note: reverse underpants theory also works with 'got my period' and 'my legs are hairy'

I don't know anymore

Louise and I were talking about her latest...she likes him despite herself, he's not as good looking as she likes, he's not as well dressed, but he's intelligent, kind and a good root. Her thing is she's not looking to get married, it's only 1.5 years since the separation and it's just time to have fun.

As she talked more, it appeared she is going to find it hard to say goodbye to him, he's leaving for another state. "Do you really like him?" 'I do, but" we both sat there, mouths moved to say something, eyes blinking just a bit too hard. There was no absolute answer. Any definite statement felt wrong.

"I don't know anymore" she said.

We can no longer convince ourselves about someone, no longer interested in taking a position. In one way its about backing a non- outcome. Hopes are not pinned to anything.

I do know one thing. I can't settle. It's has to feel like I'd change my life for this person. Like my new dog, Calypso. She's just sweet and naughty and cuddly and she's worth being a dog owner. I really have the best dog. Can't believe how easy it's been to have her around. That's how it should feel.

some changes

I'm sitting here typing sideways. I have a puppy asleep on my lap. After a week of decision making and a few months of other decisions, I have my very own dog. She's 20 weeks old & a 'spoodle' yes, that a cross between a spaniel and a poodle.

I've named her Calypso after a character in The Camomile Lawn by Mary Wesley. Calypso was beautiful but naughty. This Calypso is not naughty yet. All shoes have been put away & she's not showing any chewing tendencies yet...yet.

She's not my substitute child, she's just a dog & I'm trying to grow up and be responsible for something. Which is a big deal for me... all the freedoms I have, my work, my lack of other responsibilities (except the m-word - mortgage) means I didn't feel I was contributing or sharing with other people. Dogs make you share. You talk about them, take them for walks and then you pick up their poos. Grown up stuff!

Enough about the dog & I swear I this won't turn into a dog lovers site..it's still all about me (a great place to be)

A couple of things have happened.

When it rains it pours and all that. Saturday night 20 of us saw Sex and the City. We had champers before and after the film, then I pashed Mr Enthusiastic after the 5th bottle of bubbles & he came to mine for sleep-over...all clothes on & a good nights sleep.

yes I felt bad...why did I do that...because. He's fun to be around, makes me feel instantly happy & I don't worry about him (*ouch* sitting sideways & typing is hard!) the worry that you are responsible for their good times. I'm like that...I worry that people are not having a good time & must entertain.

The next morning he left early & walked home...although this is where I can genuinely worry as he has no sense of direction... He texted to say he has something to tell me and can we meet at 5pm the next day for a drink.

the old 'something to say' moment. I could agonise. I could be defensive. I could guess ?

He loves me, he doesn't, he doesn't want a relationship right now, sorry to lead you on, you're wonderful, but.., you deserve someone better...

all those thoughts.
He needed a few beers to tell me. The second part I can't say here...suffice to say it's a body issue thing, not permanent but just a personal thing. You respect I can't it say here.

he said....he does really like me.. wow. He could fall for me. okay.

This is where the long dating history starts to be useful. I've had this happen before. A very attentive bloke pleaded with me to love him. He's was such a puppy and I just gave in. Hard when it ended because I feel like I was talked in it.

If I fall for Mr Enthusiastic it will not by via convincing myself. And it's not going to happen straight away. It takes a while to rid yourself of thoughts of anyone else and any ongoing liaison I may have (with MysteryMan). But it may happen and I'll tell you why.

He's just so open, emotionally. He tells me his thoughts, not necessarily to agree with them, but to express himself, and he accepts that my answers are not exactly like his or align with his views..he just wants to know where I stand. He doesn't tease, or belittle, or argue back, he just shows his thinking and accepts your version, with a little backchat.

I shared my theory that 'dating' is not just about dinners and drinks, it's about walking the dog (yes!) buying groceries, making a meal together and trying to find the new Ikea store. Next weekend I am going to help him put his bed together. He's such a bachelor. The bed is in pieces while he sleeps on the floor.

So when I say I want to take this slowly, I do. I can & just hang out with him.

But a least he's trying and I respect that.

Now, off to walk Calypso.

No Booty Calls !

I sent this video to TypeASuperFit.

two down

The Traveller is travelling again & with all his family responsibilities (two sons, a sick mother and suicidal sister) I'm punting on this not being a good time for him.

Mr Enthusiastic told me on Saturday night he wasn't in a good place either. Which was fine with me..I like him as a friend, in fact he is a friend, a great one, but nothing more.

Which leaves Mystery Man. But he's only what he is, a friend, a buddy, an occasional dirty stop-over and excellent dinner companion.

So I read some astro stuff...all about Pluto in Capricorn and how it's affecting Gemini's. It said either I had great soul affecting sex or I went celibate. Either or. The best or nothing. I kind of agree. I realise my desire is very stop start. It could be based on my monthly cycle but it's probably a combination of increased chemicals each month and an actual desire for that person.... and vice versa.

Desire is inconsistent. Some things take precedent, paying bills, talking to friends, ...I don't have time to think or make it happen. It's just not important right now. This might change in a few weeks when the cycle begins again.

Right now a good bottle of champagne, a good night's sleep and a long hot shower are my current pleasures. Just remembered I have some prosciutto in the fridge...how I love that salty meat.. Here's a theme, food as a substitute..!

He keeps trying!

I meet him 2 years ago, TypeA-SuperFit. After a 3 week relationship and one late night rendezvous he has fallen into a pattern of sending late night text messages. Of which I never agree to..these lead to a series of text messages about the need to be 'human'.

What I love is his timing. Whenever he sends them I have my period.

For your delight..here is last night's text conversation...btw, he has a blackberry and I'm on a Nokia N95 hence the difference in length.

TASF: 10:56pm "Fancy a mid-week...

Cat: 10: 58: "If this is who I think you have impeccable timing. Got my period and NOT interested"

11:01pm "That shouldn't stop you....The more emotion the better & it saves me going to the gym as I know you are a good..."

Cat: 11:03pm: "You might need me but I don't need you. So much fun being rude to you"

TASF: 11:06pm. Well done you are clearly getting good regular sex from someone... Very impressive - you should write a book...I don't need you...But I don't take life too seriously & do remember you were fun in b... Be bad!!! But @ the end of the day just have a laugh...& enjoy !!!

Cat: 11:12 "Ah the good funny version of you shines thru. Your drunken twin likes to spoil your chances. Take care."

TASF: 11:17 pm: "No the complete TASF understands life is complex and there are no simple answers....Occasionally drunk yes..But never without reason...You Take Care..."

Which One ?

I like Mystery Man, I like The Traveller and to add to the list I like Mr Enthusiastic.

Introducing....Mr Enthusiastic. He's part of my group of Perth friends. In Sydney I have groups of friends who originate from different parts of Australia, there's the Barossa chicks (outrageously filthy language, great knowledge of wines) a couple of strays from Brisbane and the Gold Coast, my Sydney friends & the Perthies, from Western Australia

My Perth friends are wonderful (hello you lot!) and enjoying hosting mad afternoons of painting, tennis or BBQ's. Mr Enthusiastic is a new recruit to the Sydney-Perth posse.

He's just refreshingly honest, he blurts out stuff that Sydney boys wouldn't... he talks about the rough politics of his family, his ups and downs and that he sees a therapist. We went for a local dinner.

In the bottle shop he said. "I'm going to buy my own wine, I need a West Australian red"

I wanted a Pinot Noir, my newest favourite, to go with the lamb. Strangely this suited me. I could have my wine & he could have his.

We arrived at the restaurant with two bottles & they both sat in front of us. There was something naughty but comforting about buying a bottle each.

Mr E had a girlfriend for 11 years. She did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, drove him around. That's why he has appalling house cleaning skills. No guessing they were both miserable near the end of the relationship.

I asked "If you were hassled a bit more, asked to make a decision, marry her or not, would that be helpful, well, not helpful, but it should be said to you. I think people in relationships need a bit of prodding now and then, all this drifting, and no one's allowed to tease you in that concerned friend or family way. "

"I should have let her go" he said.

He's honest, he talks and regrets immediately what he says while laughing. There's a social klutz personality to him which is endearing. And he's just enthusiastic.

He walked me to the bus stop, we hugged casually, and said good night. I'll see him this week for lunch.

No. 2 The Traveller. He's away at the moment. He finally worked out the status update thing on Facebook. It's like having a Private Detective on him ! But let me go back to the event, Pangea Day.

I arrived when the movies started. The large room had two screens & about 30 people watching each. Marilyn was already there. One of the hosts came and said hello. " I'm a friend of The Traveller's" "He's over there near the other screen" said the host. I could see the back of his head.

For the next 3 hours I sat with Marilyn. We moved around and talked to people, but The Traveller never came over to speak to me, never said hello. I was frozen with embarrassment. All my social gumption was gone. I had made the decision to invite myself & regretted it.

Near the end (after a few of those champagnes that got me into trouble later on) I stopped him walking by and said hello.

"Oh, you are here."

"I've been here since the beginning"

"I was looking for you in a dress." (strange answer, but I realised I wore a dress the last two times we met)

"How are you ? Did you do anything for Mother's Day?" I asked

"My mum's in hospital. A lot's going on. My sister tried to commit suicide, I found her. Probably drove about 3,000 kms going back and forward to see her. Every one's asking how I'm coping"

"You're in a doing phase, no time to think, you're just in action mode."

"Yes, exactly" his face looked reflective. "I've got the kids now, they keep me grounded" he said with genuine happiness. He spoke about the new nanny for the kids.

"The ex is in the marital home, I have the apartment. She's a bit loopy. " He stuck out his tongue and pulled a face. We both laughed.

"I hear you go to Bodega." I said "I go there sometimes after work, about 9pm, sit at the bar and have a meal. " he replied.

"We should catch up for coffee". He seemed to say that genuinely.

We had a bit more general chat & that was it.

My thoughts (and I'd love yours!) He's got a bit going on in his life ! Mother, Sister, ex wife, kids, nanny and work. I'm going to let him sort out his life for a bit. However, after Polly's words to me last week (don't put conditions on your needs) I'm not cutting him out of my thoughts, but I know that pushing or wanting something to happen is probably not good for me right now. I'll place my feelings in a snap freezer. On hold but ready for instant defrost!

Mystery Man is the great friend. We've got this on/ off time together worked out. I might not see him for a few weeks and then we'll have a big night. Other times he travels for a month. There is an easy understanding. I'm available for catching up, but we can equally have quite separate lives in between.

Two conversations

Tonight is dinner with Mystery Man. He came by on Saturday night when I hosted an old friends catch-up. We were on the 6th bottle of wine or something, sitting on the balcony, covered in blankets (it was about 14deg). He asked why the outdoor heater wasn't on. Something logical in the face of our drunken stupor.

Later he talked to me about the drink driving issue. His mother was injured by a drunk driver and he told me the injuries. Of course I would never intend to hurt anyone, it would be mortifying, but that's what drink driving means, to be that drunk person who injures.

The police experience was like a glimpse at what it could be like, although the next time I could be arrested and charged. A police record does affect many parts of your life. Later this year I could be applying for a new type of business license which involves a police check. I want to know there is nothing to hide and that I'm a responsible citizen.

So rather than thinking 'I'll make it home' its a clear thought... 'The car is staying, definitely can't drive and I'll take a bus or taxi'.

The second conversation was with Polly. She's moved in with her boyfriend this week. It's all been quick but worthy. In fact not hesitating was the key. Just jump.

We were doing our usual chat, what life is doing for us right now, where's our direction - our work. We're both sole operators & it's the self motivation and determination that we encourage each other with, except this time she stopped me.

"Cat, can I speak straight to you? "

"Of course" I trust Polly's skills at saying those hard things in a gentle manner.

"I can hear the resignation in your voice. The acceptance of what is currently and what can only be. For instance, you have already accepted that things will take longer so you'll just be patience, like I'll not allowed to have that achievement right now, or want that goal, because there must be something else I need to learn before I'm allowed to have that."

Polly's boyfriend, said to her, "I always want a relationship, I never stopped looking or trying. I never gave up". Where as we would say to each other...maybe this is not my time, I should put my effort elsewhere, it's not meant to be.

That's the acceptance stuff.

"What do you really want ? " She said. "Ask for it, admit it, expect it."

Later that day I stood on the balcony, looking at the full moon & I clearly said to myself. " I want to get married." Not, I want a boyfriend or relationship...because I want more, I want the ultimate relationship, a marriage.

As I said that phrase, louder and louder in me, I felt relieved. The night sparkled a little more and it felt right. I do want to get married. I do.

Mothers Day

I'll tell the last story first. Sunday night, after hosting Mother's Day Lunch, I attended Pangea Day at The Traveller's office. His organisation was holding an event to see this 4 hour broadcast of film. I invited myself and my friend Marilyn (for support). The event had started when I arrived and I sat with Marilyn. It was a fully catered for event, with waiters passing food and drinks. We got tucked into the champagne. Charity and champagne go together, yeah?

Once settled, I saw The Traveller sitting in another part of the room. But this is not the story I'll be telling right now. So I'll fast forward to the end.

Marilyn and I were the last to leave (we're good at that) and went for another drink and some food at a pub near her place. We shared stories about the night and I took her home, almost.

Two streets from her place a Police car flashed his headlight at me. I couldn't think why. Then turned the corner and realised my headlights weren't on, only to see the Police car, full lights on, behind me. I pulled over.

"You were driving without your headlights' he said. "Have you been drinking? " he asked.

"Yes", I replied, " I've had a few champagnes " Marilyn started telling them were we'd been..unfortunately she was quite drunk and slurry, so this alarmed the officer.

'We'd like to breath test you" he said, "but we don't have a breath analyser here. We're calling for one to be brought over. Would you mind waiting here"

It took about 15 mins for the machine to arrive. I thought of all the champagnes I'd drunk that night & knew I wasn't' bad, but wasn't good. Still sitting in the car, I blew into the machine. They conferred and said I was over the limit ( .05 ). Shit.Fuck.

Get out of the vehicle, he said. 'We are arresting you for drink driving"

Marilyn was trying to ask them for my reading. But they wouldn't give it. Maybe because she was wobbling on the footpath.

We're taking you to the station for a further reading. They called for a paddy wagon.

Why not in a police car ? I asked. Procedure.

The paddy wagon was running late because they were taking prisoners in it.

I had to remove my belt, take only my essentials. I took all my jewellery off and placed it my handbag, then in the boot. I had my phone, my credit card and some cash.

When the wagon arrived a female office had to search me, then I got into the back.

Have you ever envisage what it's like in a paddy wagon ? I thought it was metal with two bench seats. This one was like a fridge. All white fiberglass and two benches, front and back. Slits for windows and a strong gust of air from the front. The seats were only 10cms high. I wedged my feet against the front and placed my hands on the space next to me. There were no seat belts, no handles. I thought of the last passengers, the prisoners.

I would have taken a photo, but they had my phone. How would that look on facebook?

The wagon drove to Waverly Police Station where they have a more accurate machine for breathe testing.

I could see via the front window the car driving into a garage. I was entering via the prisoner’s entrance. When it stopped I could see them all standing outside. When the door opened I was lead, not touched, to the ‘holding dock’ until the machine was ready.

The holding dock was like a clear phone box, with one bench seat. The whole front was clear Perspex and I faced the main desk, on which lay my personal things. I saw them fill out forms, check details and discuss me, while I sat behind plastic examining all the scratch marks and shoe marks on the walls.

I wanted my phone. I wanted to call people, go on-line, distract myself from reality.

I envisage myself from the outside. Me sitting there in a blazer, jeans and dress shoes. Two hours ago I was in the boardroom of a top 5 law firm, enjoying their hospitality while watching a program on world peace issues. Ah, juxtaposition.

Should I do star jumps ? get the blood moving and get the alcohol out of my system? What if the next reading is also over. I was arrested for being over the limit, DUI – driving under the influence is the code. However, I had to take another test, with a more accurate machine, before they could charge me. So I was under temporary arrest, pending the results of the next test.

Procedure continued with my rights being read, forms to sign and questions to answer.

They I was lead into the testing room.

“Can I use the bathroom?” I had drunk a lot of water while waiting in the car.

“No, not until after the test”

Two officers sat in a room, one taking notes and another setting up the machine. It was taking a long time.

“You’re coming down’ said the Detective Inspector “ and it’s to your advantage that this takes time to test you. If this reading is under, then you are free to go home. We will drive you back to your car “ I chatted to them about Pangea Day, for two reasons, one to show I wasn’t that drunk and two, I believe charm and good manners go a long way.

More time passed, more forms, more people coming through. I was first tested at 10:30pm. I was now 12:10am.

"Your first reading was .067"

They could take as long as they liked.

The machine was ready. It was a three part machine with printer, dials, led display and a cash register ticket thing. I liked it’s 1970 IBM look. Old technology was comforting me.

I blew. It beeped, whirred and chugged out paper.

The testing office looked at the results, turned to me and stuck out his hand. We shook. I knew what that meant. The reading was .04. My road side reading was .067. The D.I. said they get regularly abused by the public while waiting for the test.

My things were returned.

I quickly texted Marilyn “I’m free! They are driving me back. I have a certificate to prove my sobriety. God what an experience ! Now stop laughing and go to sleep” time: 1.10am

I ‘m horrified at what happened. But I’m sobered by the experience. And truthfully, I’ve driven DUI and could have not blown under both times. I just didn’t get stopped.

Accepting

This dating life just goes on and on. In the last five years my longest relationship would be 3 weeks! No-one just tries bumping along in a relationship, it has to be right or it never happens.

The good part to that is you don't spend too much time with the wrong person. You do the quick brave conversation, either on the phone or in person, don't accept emails or text messages, and then it's all over.

Another good part is most people you meet are single or in a definate relationship. There are no half relationships, or people just sticking together. You don't put up with someone's partner who is wrong for your friend or endure those conversations where she is in denial about the quality of the relationship.

I had a few drinks with a bloke on Sunday afternoon. By then my talking muscle was over-used. I was tired and make-up less and was dying for an afternoon nap. We talked for a few hours and both agreed we wanted alone time to finish the afternoon. He went to watch a DVD and I went home to have a nap. (I am a koala, after all)

Bars and restaurants are for friends. We know what we like, who we like dinning with and what wines we like sharing. Going on a date is stressful. You feel so obvious at the restuarant as you question your tastes in front of the waiter while you negotiate the order. ..do you like chilli ? do you eat meat? do you like red or white ?

Dates should be in supermarkets, hosting lunch or finding the new Ikea store in some far away suburb. The things you do everyday, the events you can't avoid. I'd rather go backwards, start with meeting his parents, do the weekly shopping, move house (his or a friends) and then book a holiday. Prehaps look after him when he has a man-flu and then he has to buy my womens' needs from the chemist. Ah, what fun we could have without a bar, museum or sniggering waiter in site.

So I've accepted that just because you can negotiate a meal together, chat all night and feel the urge to shag him co-incidentally just as the alcohol deepens, it doesn't really indicate a good relationship. Those moments will happen quietly and differently.

Words and Actions

I think women are complicated. I'm an easy going version of womanhood, and I mess things up & confuse myself. Imagine what a high maintenance chick is like. They are hard being friends with, let alone date or make a move.

But men are not so complicated. I'm going to highlight the most obvious and quickest way to understand what they are thinking. The trick is not to over complicate this advice. Don't think he is any different from the rest. He's a bloke and they are all the same, really they are. Yours might be more wordy or most sensitive or more blokey..but they all behave towards you in the same fundamental way.

It can be fun to analyse and dissect and ignore or go in denial about what you really think he's thinking. But this is the the measuring stick to use. Here goes..

Look at what he does, not what he says.

hey ? ! that's too simple. I'm not sure what that means..that's one of those tricky sentences...it couldn't be that easy. How am I supposed to use that ?

Okay I'll say it another way

Action, not words.

Is that easier ? what exactly is action?

Okay here is one of those anecdotes. A friend of mine....(as it always starts) likes this bloke. But he doesn't do anything except every morning & every night he sends her a text message. Just to say hello, or something thoughtful. Ah, how sweet I hear you say. I'd like my bloke to do that.

well... that's all he did, he never organised to see her, was always busy, but would talk about how much he liked her and send text messages.

That, my friends, is emotional torture.

Now another friend (or could be the same one, who knows) also gets sweet messages, but it's directed at her work. He says she is so clever and he's sharing parts of his history with her that he doesn't with others.

She's worried he doesn't say anything direct. But he's always there. He always turns up, gets her a drink, talks to her friends, and organises his life around her commitments.

Now. Here's a quiz. What does the text message man think about my friend? does he really like her ? or the attention.
And what does non-direct man think? does he really like her ? or should she demand some answers ?

mmmm.

words or action?

Mystery Man

I've neglected to let you lot know of an on-going liaison. He's my Mystery Man. Who calls on the moment for drinks or dinner. We talk for hours, drink for hours and then I collapse at his place. Usually after dancing on his couch (it's an ongoing habit I have) or in his car (if you slide down enough you can get your legs through the sun roof, like a synchronised swimmer)

Haven't mentioned him before as it is what it is... a sporadic night out with someone fun and interesting. Sometimes he tries to kiss me & sometimes I do. Sometimes we just fall asleep. He's a playmate..a good male friend and you can try things out on him.

We went out dancing to a retro club. He can salsa dance & I like silly dancing...the kind where you mock-imitate a serious dancer or overstress the dramatics of the song. Can you tell I grew up in the new romantic 80's and hung out in Gay/ Drag Queen clubs ?

My dance persona for the night was 'I tease, but you can't touch..maybe sometimes'. I would shimmy up to him, then push him away. Then dance up to him, drag my hands down his chest, then turn and dance away. I can't keep a serious face so would just burst out laughing.

After 3 hours of this dancing and a few beers we were exhausted. Mystery Man has the best bedroom set up, in terms of sleeping. He's super fussy about noise and light as well as quality of sheets and pillows. It's an invitation for a proper sleep when I go there.

The only problem, and the reason why Mystery Man and I are not fully compatible, is our sleeping patterns. He's a Vampire and I'm a Koala. He sleeps until earliest 11am and goes to bed between 1-3am. I like to get up early, have a nap in the afternoon and then get another 9 hours sleep. Koala's like to sleep, especially after eating gum leaves, it's like dope for them and they are always drowsy. So I'm a Koala. Not doped up but always sleepy.

But that morning I was frisky. Too long between drinks! Had to plan the timing. Firstly I had to sleep-in then get up, have some food and go back to bed. Had to co-ordinate the moment we would be both awake and ready.

After our frisky session I realised we were both sober. Too often things happen last on a big night & the quality of friskiness is diminished. Sober is good. Sober and in the early afternoon.

How normal do you feel after a good romp ? A little bit more alive, a little bit calmer, and a whole lot more connected. No longer just a head with thoughts, your body is back in the mix.

Probably what I like about my Mystery Man is there is no emotional complication. There is no certainty either but I do certainly like a good frisky session with him, both on the dance floor and in his Vampire's lair.

Don't want to work

Not working is not like holidays. It's just not working for someone for 5 days and trying to fit in all your other life activities in the spare time. I can fully occupy myself. Friends, reading, blogging (although a bit inactive lately) running around, attending free cooking classes. It's all rather good fun really. I am lucky I have the shop to keep me occupied for a few days a week (I'm lying - I go there everyday)

I like not working. The day I left the marketing company was a brilliant summer day. I headed for an outdoor cafe, where the leaf filtered sunlight plays across the tables. I felt like myself. Happiest sitting in cafes, pondering the world, writing notes and observing peoples.

In the 4 weeks since leaving work I've traveled to Queensland to visit my cousin, drove down to the South Coast in a convertible for Easter and dreamed away the demons from work. I realised the marketing work was not stimulating for me. The other Account Director telling said 'So all I do is organise meetings ?" to our boss the week before I left.

My big plan is to work part time in a web or digital marketing company, do marketing for the shop (we have a facebook page now!) and write.

The first wish came true last week. An old colleague is looking for an account manager for 3 days a week. He very delightfully said he was really pleased to work with me again. There are more talks and discussions before it's final but it's part of the puzzle.

As for the writing, I had to leave the blog alone for a while. See what happened. Did I miss it ? what else can I write about... I have notebooks all over the place, but what do I want to write about ? is this is way to start ? Starting is about just starting. I really like this blog and it's a good thought dump but I will try something else, not as a blog but a story. If Jane Austen could write her novel using only 20 mins a day, then so can I.

and how's the love life ? I hear you ask. Well I've thought about The Traveller every day. It's a pattern of obsession I have. He hasn't contacted me, which didn't stop me sending a few friendly emails. All I know is the (soon-to-be-ex) wife (my wishful words) is giving him a hard time. But can't do anything else except live my own life. All this emotional stuff does get easier as you get older, but the ache..the little fire you have to share with someone never goes away.

back to normal

I was let go from work on Monday. It was the 3 month mark; the end of probation & time to decide. With one week's notice I just wanted to finish a few emails and just get out. They offered to let me walk almost straight away & after completing time sheets I just walked out.

It's the right decision. I want to work in a more digital field - more web and social community based. After 3 months there was no digital work. It was all event marketing, which I was never interested in.

Next week I'm off to Noosa for a week to see my cousin, her kids, my other cousin, her son & various others. One week to just play with the kids (ie. me dancing to Elvis or Coldplay or U2) swim and beverage-on with my lovely cousin. I feel free, like it's school holidays.

I'm sitting at home, with my computer, just been up to the local cafe, flirted with the boys and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be.....actually, yes, but that involves another person & that's not possible right now...so this is the best fun I can have by myself.

In my fantasy version of what happens next, The Traveller invites me overseas on his next trip (in April) & we travel for a few weeks, have a great time getting to know one another via airports, planes and hotels while I blog, visit shops, feel inspired and we hook up at night. The ex-wife dies of something & I inherit two kids, have one of my own, and I write while we both make each other happy. (most of the time).

anyway, back to my 5 yr old computer, phoning the repair people to fix things and spraying the apartment for cockroaches.

happen chance

What are the odds ? That I catch a cab & it's Edith's ex boyfriend who's the taxi driver.

And again this morning (Sunday) . Finally got to the pool for some laps. I joined 3 months ago & have barely gone. Standing at the counter & who walks by, The Traveller, with his 2 kids in tow.
We chat, he introduces me to his two boys. They've just been for a swim.

I looked at their faces and just felt so bad for them. They didn't look like happy kids, they looked harrowed, quiet and sad. The eldest looks like he has lots of worries. The youngest is better but still clings to his Dad.

This divorce and their parents behaviour looks etched on their faces.

Men complain about women showing only their best side. We wear make-up, heels, the good bra and we smell nice. We worry about how we look without make-up & in casual clothes.

When you see the real life that men lead.... their homes, them on the weekends, them with their kids, or at work, then you can really see who they are. So much is front, so much is what we decide to believe too. You know when you're finally taken back to their place & it's really nothing ? the sheets are bad, the kitchen is empty & all the food is from take-away boxes. Isn't it really disappointing ?

Reality is there. We just have to find ways to see that part of them.

Seeing The Traveller and his kids, I can see he is having a bad time with the divorce and the effects on the kids. If something were to ever happen then the relationship will be about making the kids happy too. I could do it, but he'll have to make me happy too.

Perfect almost date

The one I like, the traveller, had emailed me all day. It was Tuesday and he invited me to dinner at my favourite place, Bodega, a cool but atmospheric restaurant in Surry Hills. I got there 10 mins early, was greeted by the two lovely girls who run the place, who know my mother as she teaches her son.
"I'm on a date" I said, "Which is the best spot to sit ? "
"Here at the bar", said Sarah "I notice all the couples who sit here are happy. Now you'll need a drink, can I get you a Cava ? " (Spanish champagne) We did that conspiratorial giggle & I just looked forward to that moment when he'd walk in.

We had a lovely night, until.

He told me about a conversation he had with his ex-wife on Friday night, the night he got back. She wants to try some counselling. The divorce papers are ready to be signed but she wants to make sure. Fair enough.

He said " I just want to look at my kids and say, we both tried. That it wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do. I do know where it will probably go (the results of the counselling) but I'm doing it for the kids and because I just want to get on with her."

There's a coldness that comes over you when you here stuff like that. Your emotions are snap frozen. The air becomes colder & you feel the rotation of the world as your life is brought to a halt.

And yet I know he must do this. He must get on with her. He must sort out any emotional connections or emotional blackmail questions before he can give himself properly to someone.

So he drove me home. "I really enjoy your company, you're a fantastic, interesting person" he said. "maybe we can see a film? "
"of course" I said "we can be buddies"
he looked sad to hear that word. " I'd like to keep a conversation going" I said " You're an interesting person & I really enjoy your company".

We had had some great conversations over dinner, politics, religion....nothing light !
I'll let him call me.

So I slowly walked to my door. It felt like the most symbolic walk I've taken. The closer I got to my door, the more he felt even farther away than the real physical distance he was. His life dynamics were pulling him away from me, like some powerful wind.

There is no waiting in this situation. Life goes on. When he wants or can be back in my world I believe he will with no hesitation. It's best he gets this issue, this important problem sorted.

It's my life firstly

He was delayed a day. Going via another city for work & arrived back on Friday. He texted me that morning. Without any certainty from him, I carried on regardless. No use pinning or expecting. The best way is to carry on with life. Luckily I'm a very busy and important person!

Friday was a wine lunch with clients. It turned into a long afternoon of wine tasting and I had to back up, get dressed again, brush my teeth and get to Skye's 40th Birthday at one of the newest, classiest places in Sydney.

Saturday was dinner at Edith's, then Sunday was lunch at Sandra's...just a typical weekend in my social life! He was glad to hear I was busy.

To be realistic. He has kids, I expected him to want to spend time with them. He's also travelled for three weeks & would want to just relax and catch up with his friends. The best tactic is to be busy...carry on regardless....and did I carry on.

The wine lunch was hilarious. I thought it was just a few wines to try. Turned out to be the official media announcement of the top 28 wines of the year. And they were all on the table to taste...every single bottle. Four hours later we headed up to the top bar for more. I had to extract myself from further invites to get ready for Skye's birthday.

You know when you're pre-menstral and your boobs are puffy and huge? plus you find all the right dresses to wear to show them off. Apparantely it's a biological thing to flash the flesh. Show the plunge and enjoy the wandering male eye. That was me. In the black dress with the plunge.

Skye was looking amazing. She has the best hair. Blonde, strong and flicks so beautifully.

It was a night of fab female love. The type where you adore your friends and let rip with screams and hugs and good times. It helped we got 'special' entry to the latest club in Sydney, the Ivy. It's hot, it's divine and we all went bonkers dancing and drinking champagne.

Oh, and then I did my special dancing tricks. I danced with someone's blackberry down my cleavage & then asked him to call it...
and found a table to do my other special dancing on....the picture shows my fans.

Don't ever worry about turning 40. There is heaps of fun to be had.

(hey, don't worry. I helped all my friends get home. Went via their homes to help them in the door and Louise collasped on my couch. All good clean fun)

while he's away

Last Thursday I got a phone call. He was in NY in a bar, talking to models and jeans designers. It was 2am his morning, 6pm for me. I'm his drunk dialing friend. The one you call when you are happy and just want to tell someone.
He'll be back on Thursday, the 14th.
I could pick him up from the airport, just depends on what time.

Saturday night I had dinner with Holly & Skye. I gave them the update on my one date travelling friend. This man is 42, has 2 kids, his wife is long over & according to our mutual good friends, he just wants someone to enjoy his life with, travel with an laugh with, plus be happy for him & him to be happy with me.

According to Australian statistics, those who divorce or separate mostly remarry between 38-42. It's all the returned goods. Those who have been beaten around a bit & shaped into considerate, interesting men. It's time to find some worthy returns.

Okay, that's all the technical stuff...this should be a place where I tell you the truth.

I love that he has called and emailed and texted me over the last few weeks. I liked him straight away, he's funny & successful and cute and I even like that he's a father (two boys 4 & 7). I can be a step-mother. However, he said to our friends he would like more kids. I could have one.

But he represents a life I've been looking for. A interesting man, a man with plans, with humor and style and someone I feel so comfortable and enlivened and excited by.

Who do I pray to ? God I want this.

Is it possible to know? Only because of our mutual friends, I know where he is from, like the man who is naturally with me in all situations.

I could try to be realistic, but I don't care. Time to see if dreams come true.

What do you want ?

in a man?

are you specific or general ? do you think too much about what you don't want ?

It's not height or money or occupation or fitness level, but I want a man who takes life by two hands. Doesn't phaff, doesn't hesitate & weigh up the risks while the opportunity passes.

Too often I think of things I don't want , but not enough about what I do want. Time to focus more on the likes & desires.

There are too many boring men in this world. They can be interesting for a few dates, easy to chat but not a good laugher or have a good perspective on life and even...the most telling aspect, have no goals beyond financial security.

So....

Last night I was invited to dinner at a friend's house. One of my best old mates. He and his wife are great cooks, have good wines and every now and then have you over for dinner and you just relax, laugh and ...well, drink a little too much, laugh a bit too much but walk away feeling that's how couples with two kids, good jobs and an organised way to host a dinner are. It's informal, there are dogs and casual clothes, loud moments and plate after plate of good food, which you don't gobble, but take bites of, then stop as you enjoy.

The aim of last night was to introduce me to a recently single friend. Someone I've known but not known, heard of, but not really spent time with. It didn't matter if he wasn't right, the night would be good otherwise.

But it wasn't to be. He walked in, wearing a Paul Smith jacket, carrying a bottle of Grosset champagne (a man with champagne!) and just started telling funny stories, asked me lots of questions, used my name a lot & like me, likes to put on accents and tell stupid stories with no point but to show the stupidity of co-workers or people in supermarkets.

It just felt so comfortable, we all relaxed into a long night of talking & laughing. His favourite film is Ferris Bueller...so is mine. My favourite genre is American teen films like Bring it on, Pretty in Pink etc.

He has two kids, that's how it is...he cooks, he wears nice clothes and he's cute. Tall, lots of dark hair (on his head) and shaves his legs, because he cycles. I think my legs were hairier than his !

So he's off to NY for 3 weeks on Thursday. He blurted out, Can you pick me up from the airport ? (only 10 mins from my house) ..and I like picking people up from airports. It's fun. Travellers are relieved to be home & not have to wait for a cab.

Apparently his ex-wife never picked him up. She missed out on some fun.

We shared a taxi ride home. We pashed in the back of the cab. He asked me what he could bring back from NY for me.. I couldn't think of anything. Any ideas?