Breeze passing

I'm having all sorts of flip-flops and juxtaposed events recently. I start an affair & am robbed in the same night as well as becoming a Godmother. Yesterday in the post was a rejection letter from Paddington Markets, and the next letter was from the Lottery Office, I'd won a free ticket & another from some debt collectors for an old bill. Always threes...

This morning I needed to swim. Thrash through the water at my favourite pool, Boy Charlton, for two reasons, I've signed up for a harbour swim this Sunday & because my iPod was stolen, I needed to illicit the meditative qualities of swimming, as I usually meditate to Dorje on my iPod.

Life gave a third reason.

I got an email from TASF this morning, saying he was too busy at work & couldn't make any commitments as his life is crazy. So the offer of an Affair was scuttled.

As I read the email, I felt a faint breeze pass over my face. Like a door closing in front of me. There's been a few breezes recently. Things not going the way I want, boys falling through, things not arriving, opportunities delayed. I know it's Mercury Retrograde at the moment ( a time of blocked communication) but this is more than that. A whole shift is occuring & I'm still sitting in the middle of the storm , wondering where I'll land.

Baggage

We all have it. Some have formalized baggage to claim & others discover it as they go along.

A divorced person has obvious baggage. The focus of their split is their ex partner & the time they spent together, a big heafty piece of luggage. As a single person, a few boyfriends, flatmates & bottles of champagne are my baggage focus, not a matching set, but they all belong to me.

When you first get to know someone, the obvious baggage is brought out and discussed, not in a formalised sense, but you get a quick overview of someone's romantic life & start from there.

Because I'm interested in a divorced person, MrTypeA-SuperFit, his way of describing his needs is similar to other recent divorced friends. After the initial split, it's the regaining of freedom, the coming into self that is exhilarating, the discovery of possibilities...life opens up. There is all this time for yourself.

So I've watched them be freedom loving, trying all sorts of things & people. Without being a dampener they eventually come to the same conclusions that long term singles discover - it's not all that much fun being single & it's hard to meet someone you really like. It's not that easy in the end. There are very few people who flow from one sucessful relationship to another.

Over dinner with TASF on Friday night, he repeated he is not good boyfriend material (broken record!) and should I rethink the 'affair' proposal. ' Look at you, you're gorgeous, you should find someone!. he said. The desire is there, the energy is there, the bloody 'connection' is there (like some dating program...'we have this deep connection' they all say)

I got cross with him. Just sick of controlling myself, being good and following dating rules. TASF is a genuinly enjoyable person, I've just meet him at this time of his life. He's a bit messed up about what relationships can do to people. As Holly said to me yesterday, "Love now equals pain: you get the messages mixed up. As you spend time with someone different parts of your emotions are rediscovered. It can be scary feeling things again & you think towards the negative, even though it's enjoyable."

In the throws of a new relationship it's likely you will discover more new baggage. To extend that metaphor, you have to claim it, open it & deal with it. But it's the only way.

Interestingly TASF and I have discovered a another set of friends we have in common. The number of times we've been invited to the same functions over the last 4 years, but never quite met, is amazing.

12 hours of everything

Everything happens at once. The old feast & famine cycle.

Saturday afternoon I finished working at a trade fair. The response was so bad, I cried in the shower & wondered where life was headed to next. It was a low point. I'd put a lot of money into the fair & for all sorts of reasons it didn't work. I did the shower slump & let the hot water pummel me back to reason. I also had to pull it together for dinner with oldest married friends who were excited to try a new restaurant, Ottoman at Pier 2 (so new I can't find a link for it)

Before arriving I texted Mr TASF. 'hi, how are you? how's your week?" such a harmless message, so totally loaded with intention. I should really text 'hi, feeling like a good.... , how about it?"

A few harmless texts later I put my phone aside to enjoy dinner. The first surprise came when the wife asked me to be Godmother to their new daughter. Tears welled up. When you think so low of yourself & others put such trust ? The husband & I are old friends, old flatmates & big drinking buddies. A few years ago I stayed at their house before a work trip to Spain the next day. A few too many bottles of wine later & after hitting the pillow, I couldn't find the door in the dark & vomited all over the carpet. Second attempt I found the bathroom & did another chuck-chunder there. The next morning I was trying to scrap the red wine & tomato salsa leftovers off the carpet with a spoon. The bathroom looked like a slasher movie. So being asked to be Godmother is a delightful surprise
.
The restaurant had just opened so service was like Faulty Towers but with great food. When the main course arrived at 10:30, the new parents were beside themselves with tiredness & we couldn't stay much longer. The plan was to return in a month when the service was sorted, otherwise the view, food & interiors were divine.

Once, alone in the taxi on my way home, I found a few missed calls from TASF. Texting continued. He agreed to come over. It was time to announce my proposal to him, would he like to have an affair with me?

Of course, I was nervous, did a quick clean of the house, sans getting out the vacuum cleaner & brushed my teeth. It was 12:40am when he arrived. He was looking fit & clean, like straight from the beach. He could tell I was nervous & so we sat outside to talk a bit.

Boyfriends are hard work, I said, but an affair could be fun. I'm sick of life not being fun. 'I agree, he said, we can have an affair, I can even take you out for dinner! " Well in an affair we do strange things, like visit burlesque shows & I might even flash some lingerie at you ! 'I can even buy you some lingerie, he responded.

I continued. "It' s also annoying to get invitations for you with 'and friend' and you get questioned heavily about the person you bring. I just want to have someone along without the drama'. He finished my thought ' I can be your 'and friend' & you can be mine' 'perfect ! '

You can guess what we did over the next few hours. Sleeping was deep & relaxing after that. All those endorphins & oxytocin hormones are just great ! I missed them all !

The next morning I had made arrangements with friends for breakfast. I went to grab my iPod & saw only the detached cables lying around. Looking at my brother's bedroom door, which was ajar, I realised he was not home. The strange noises I'd heard in the night were not him coming home, but a thief who entered via the balcony door, now glaringly open. Recalling even the sound of my bedroom door opening during the night, I realised I'd been robbed & they had seen TASF & me lying asleep, post it all.

My brother's room had been rummaged through & a watch had been stolen. Only two items stolen, so easily put into a thief's pocket before they ran out, while we slept.

From business disaster, to godmother status, to affair commencement & early morning robbery. Did I ask the universe to stop making my life so boring in such a dramatic way?

affair, needs

I have the person in mind, but how to handle? from his late night text messages demanding my company I simply have to respond to initiate. Easy. too easy.

The problem is hormonal. So many of use would love to be 'a bloke' about sex. have it and not worry, but there is the oxytocin problem. The hormone that women secreet when they have sex. This is the bonding hormone that keeps you wanting the bloke more, even though he may be a shit & not that good, but you have this strange obsession with him.

In order to counter the oxtocin devil, will put myselft on hormone breaks. Do forced sabaticals away from Affair Object.

But what do I want ? to have fun. not just the physical, which is why it's an 'affair' ...

An affair implies dinners, drinks, flirtations, amusements, small gifts & convoluted emotions. To be involved/ not be involved. The back & forward of commitment & desire. And just to have fun.

So I texted him on Saturday night. My affair object. Can you guess who it is? the one who has texted me a few times. Mr TypeA-SuperFit.

The messed up, post divorce, superbly fit man in a classicaly olympian way from the party last year. Who called me 'the best flirt in the world' . He's the person I could have some fun with.

it's late...more tomorrow.

an affair

if you have an affair as a single person with another single person, is it an affair?

In the pursuit of a relationship & a real boyfriend, I am having no fun. It's been about following dating rules, behaving, watching for signals & being boring..! The pressure of being good, not doing anything silly is getting to me. Now I don't want to do anything stupid...done enough vomiting, pub pashing & drunk texting to embarrass me for life, but all the fun has gone. Dates are all sensible, asking the right questions & making judgements. So much effort!

So I'm thinking of having an affair. Take all the pressure off & have fun 'dates'. Some blokes are unsuitable. They are uptight, stiff & can't shake their things ( hips, I mean ) And married or men in relationships are OUT. They can't be spontaneous. It's a another cronically single bloke I'm looking for, but one who is unsuitable for future purposes, but knows how to laugh and wants a bit of a thrill.

You know all those things you'd like to do, but had no-one to do them with? Thinking of the burlesque club, going to Monster Trucks at Eastern Creek or flashing my lingerie at...being naughty but flirty.

Its also because I want to change my vibe. Not appear so tense & uptight. You know the rule where you attract others when you are more relaxed & in a relationship?

Now I have thought about it...and what rules will need to apply in order to survive... more later, but if anyone has any ideas? all ears..

new plans

in the midst of no contact from The Viking, I had a champagne therapy season with Liz. A few years ago we meet up with two lovely Jewish boys for dinner. One was a barister & the other a solicitor. Sometimes you don't think there are cultural tribes in Sydney, until you meet a classic situation like this. They discussed their weekly therapy seasons & suggested I may like some therapy too. At $250 per hour, I thumped my hand on the table & shreked that I'd could buy lots of bloody good champagne for that & have my own therapy seasons with friends.

henceforth, champagne with friends is now know as 'therapy'

So, sitting in Liz's backyard, I raced up the road for the take-away. I asked the parking fairy nicely for a good spot, as a bad one was virtually near Liz's house anyway, and presto a big fat BMW X5 pulled out. (don't let me get onto my hatred of 4WD'S) so I swerve in & find my little red sedan jamming into the bumper bar of the other parked car. A big scrapping noise later, I see red paint all over their gold bumper bar. Another bloody 4WD, the worst, a Toyota LandCruiser.

Believing in car crash karma, I raced to get the takeaway & wrote a note to leave on the windscreen. In short the nice young male owner who called later took it well. We exchanged phone numbers, details etc & even birth dates, but sadly not marrital status or physical appearance.

So Liz & I started on the therapy. My panic of turning 40 was to be put into place. Firstly I need to acheive something by then. Not enough time to produce offspring, I will give birth to something else.. 'Project 40' it shall be called.

To get to Project40, I will also do something else on the wacky list of things to do in life (kept in my head) which is take a Vipassana silence retreat for 10 days. Clear the head & see what's left. Learn to sit up straight & still fall asleep. Booked in for March (4 weeks away)

meantime, now The Viking has sailed, may look for more cars to scrape into.

the speed of it all

If anyone had noticed: there were posts about a set-up by my friends with The Viking. The new rules of this blog prevent me from discussing on-going dates. Reason being, the weirdness of dissecting something that is on-going when the first few meeting/dates are unrealistic & hard to analyse, let alone post on a public blog (despite there being only 4 readers, it's still public) To prevent any new paramour from thinking, rightly, that I'm weird and possible deceptive by posting my life on a blog...I won't post until either after or not at all....depending on if it's a good story too!

So now I can post, because, dear readers, after 2 dates, it's over. Meeting No. 1 was a friend's BBQ. Date no. 1 was a film ...at the lovely outdoor cinema and involved drinking the second bottle of wine in the park until after midnight. Date No. 2 was dinner. In between the dates was the email marathon. At least 5 emails a day, each. It kept the rhythm humming, the thoughts ticking over. The pinging of the inbox was an indication of something continuous.

The dinner date was nice, but I thought he was a bit stiff. He didn't ask me anything..and I had dropped hints.... like 'oh, I will talk about why I'm on a TV show, but I need a few drinks..." After dinner we bought gelato & sat in the park, incidentially, where lies Miss Haversham's grave (yes, from Dickens). The night was warm & still, the grass even smelt in the warm air. Perfect night pashing moment. But he remained eyes fixed straight ahead. You can't flirt with a stick, so I decided to go home. It was a technically good date. All the elements but no heat.

They say a man works on gut reaction. Something happened that night that hit his gut. Well after six days it was time to 'out' him. Get in contact & call his bluff. I just hate it when they do it first. Men will just ignore you if it's not going to their liking. The old silence trick. This was text book. Even phone calls went to voice message. Now he would have to say something to stop me contacting him. I was more concerned about seeing him again, amongst the friends who had set us up. Just wanted to do the deed. Say I could tell what was going on.

The email came through around lunchtime, saying he was sorry, he can't pursue anything beyond a friendship. I picked up my phone & deleted his number.

happy but hard to take

I will hate myself for this. Being guilty for having these thougths & feelings. but the news my brother proposed to his girlfriend just made me upset. It was a selfish upset. A pitying deflating feeling came over me. My favourite cousin had her 2nd baby this week & my brother is getting married. (well, again actually) I'm just the last one left. The last one in my whole family, and being the eldest it's harder. And I didn't expect this.

i'm crying right now.

you know when you're little & you think love is just what happens to everyone. it happens in some magical time anywhere from high school, or uni or work.. well I'm still looking and waiting & hoping. I have the most close together family & everyone has stayed married, or keeps getting married. Yes, I feel like a freak. Like I've got a big hairy moustache & no-one is telling me. Because my mind/ deflated ego is just tired of being the big love loser.

So that's why I went on the Science flirting program. I hoped I would learn something about my mistakes, or lack of something, what was the big barrier to me finding happiness in love. You look for reasons why. That I hadn't meet the right person, not trying hard enough, not being opened to all types...I 've both heard & thought & been told of all of them. And I tried almost everything, so I can tick so many boxes on my attempts.

So I wonder if life has something different for me & If so do I have the courage to pursue that. My business is okay, but after 5 years of doing this work, I am tired. The financial as are not what I expected & it's a struggle. I don't feel attached to it any more. I could give it all up, so easily it's frightening. You keep going because that's all you have.

It may well be there are decisions to make in the next 6 months, as I can't keep pursuing this course. Living the life of a person in a relationship, ready for one, but it's false. Choices are becoming both limited and more open depending on how I want to see my life. limited in terms of having children. Open in terms of a career...no...it's a life pursuit, as a single person with something else to do.

The Running Away is getting stronger. The world is a constant reminder of a life I don't have & need to shift these thougths, as they won't do me any good. The first thought was to attend a Vripasahana silence retreat where you are in silence for 10 days. A good chance to clear my mind, get away & not spend any money!

Usually what happens is I wake up one morning feelling better & this attack has subsided.

Anyway I may delete this post. As it may depress me to read my sadness.

The panic

One day the show will air. The Catalyst program on the science of flirting, the one where I learnt to flirt more.

It was filmed over 3 months last year (2006) with a projected airing date of Sept 06. Now the airing date is June 2007. Quite possibly around my 40th birthday. What a piece of timing. The slow panic of both the birthday & the show is excruciating. Waiting for the final Harry Potter book has nothing in this.

I haven't really discussed the 40th. Still clinging to my 30's. Being 40 means some marker of adult hood, more so than 30. 40 has finality & expectation & time running out... Some things you can no longer do, like nightclubs & the latest bar & puffy skirts, but also marriage & kids ... maybe this will never happen to me. It's not like the media is influencing my thoughts or anything...

Everytime I see a psychic, and I've seen 2 recently, they say I will get it all.. the marriage, a lovely husband & kids... just, it must happen soon. I am realistic & optimistic, I don't often have such thoughts & can snap out of moods...but this is different. It's about the direction of life. Where I'll be in 5 years time. This feels like the most presured time of my life. So much will either not or will happen.

I have thoughts of running away. Stories about Cambodian orphanages & Bangladeshi crippled kiddies are attracting my attention. Can I take my 2 degrees in Theatre & Marketing & teach the underdeveloped world about Mid 20th Australian Theatre & The 4 x P's of marketing? or maybe just teach swimming and cricket ?

If anyone else has gone thru this, please write back. What to do at 40.

A magical tent

We went back to the Spiegletent on Saturday. The last night had an air of 'the-place-to-be' to it. With plans to meet at 11pm, it was wonderful to see 10 of us there. We were all the in mood to try something different, be different. Even our clothes. We each had a touch of eccentricity to us. Glittery tops, wild earrings, tailoured pants for men with proper leather shoes...no trainers. What had that old German wooden tent done to us ?..brought a bit of swagger & swish to our evening.

The band, Juke Baritone & the Swamp Dogs, played long forgotten tunes. The amplification was non-existent. This was loud crashing instrument music. We danced in ways we had never done. Bending knees like a country fair or beer hall. Swaying to cabaret sounds. It was not an evening we had ever experienced and yet we all fell into its rhythms.

Couples were dancing and kissing like the war was over. Men grabbed us to dance 50's style. We felt like women, all hips and hair tossing. Men did the asking and guiding of moves. Neither sex dominated either.

Where was our modern 21st century too cool Sydney attitude? The tent had transported us to another era of entertainment that we created, not just scantily paid attention to while waiting for a more important text message or person to arrive.

Resting between dances, we leaned against the timber and mirror columns. How is this structure so impermanent? Floors of parquetry, booths of wood, mirrors & stained glass windows. The only clue being the vaulted dark material ceiling. The tent is a little like ourselves. Sometimes we feel so sure of our lives. How we spend our time. What we do and don't want. And then it passes & we feel different. Just a phase, or a re-occuring theme? In this case an experience that fun can be had in other ways, so easily, yet we rarely experience it. We can dress differently, move to different music without having ever heard it before. There were no reviews, we just went along, knowing the tent would work it magic, and it did.

Domino Theory

some call it the tipping point, I call it Domino Theory.

There is some trigger to behaivour. Last year we all bought houses (or rather, all got mortgages!) Being such a champagne theorist, as I am. I've proposed that 2007 is the year of the relationship (and 'the torso', but they go hand in hand ! ) now this is because Suzy is in a relationship. She is one of the core. And this relationship is a good one. It's an integrated one. She is happy, we like him, & they are doing stuff together & seperately & it's ticking along nicely.

Suzy is the lead domino. We are all about to fall into relationships.

Australia Day

sometimes it not about the destination, but the journey. So very 'The Alchemist'

2007 is the year we get a relationship. I'm convinced of that. By me, I mean all my friends. The tipping point has begun. But what we do until this happens is what we did on Australia Day.

January 26th, was the day Captain Cook landed in Botany Bay & declared this country for England & later for it's over burdened convicts. This is not a history lesson it's a NOW lesson. Australia Day never meant much, doesnt' have the patriotism of Anzac Day nor the wintery long weekend for the Queen's Birthday. It occurs during school or uni holidays & feels like a extra day of Summer. Over the last few years our sense of patriotism has increased. Theories abound, from our sucess at sport (particulary the Sydney Olympics 2000 ) to the enthusiasm of Generation Y as why this day is now popular. Someone finally joined our patriotic dots and found our mutual love of water, bbqs and relaxing could be all enjoyed on the one day all together. Hence Australia Day is a national holiday for having a BBQ with friends, preferably by the water & uttering words like 'why would you be anywhere else?"

Holly has an apartment right on Sydney Harbour. complete with grassy bits & a BBQ. If you could Google Earth her address you'd see it next to the Prime Minister's house & Harbour Bridge. Nice.

Dragging jugs of Pims, plates of chicken sandwiches I joined her & 20 friends on the lawn. Nicole & Liz's kids were jumping off the walls into the harbour. The emerald green harbour. Before I could peel back the glad wrap on the sandwiches I had my togs on & dived in. Delicious. Floating in the Harbour, looking at the scene, I just had to shake my head. Why would I live anywhere else?

We are over being sophisticated adults. We hold & chair the meetings, deal with senior staffers & have titles like 'director' and 'owner/ manager' . We know which bar to drink in, which resturant to go to, and can tell the difference between Verve & Moet - a huge leap from Pepsi vs Coke ! So it's the simple appreciative side which enjoyed Australia Day. The part of you that couldn't care about wet hair, junk food & warm wine glasses. I can have sophisticated any day I want ! but that day. that warm, glorious day filled with sunbaking, wet towels, cold showers after harbour swims & melted tims tams, was the best.

One in, all in. Swimming in the ocean & getting a boyfriend, that is.

party time

Tanya is minding a house on Sydney Harbour complete with pool, trampoline & tennis court. She celebrated her birthday with a party at this (her cousin's ) house on Saturday. For us living in small terraces & apartments, this compound of activities on a hot summer afternoon was a great tonic for de-stressing and letting go.

It's not often you are splashing around in a backyard pool, complete with pool toys, with all your friends, no precious thoughts about getting our hair wet, we dived in, pretended to do sychronised swimming & squealed while eating watermelons in the pool. Simple but fun.

I've spent 15 years living in the inner-city. Living in Paddington terraces, Darlinghurst flats, Surry Hills share spaces. Now I'm in a modern white apartment block complete with funky lap pool in semi-industrial Waterloo. My childhood was spent in the bushy suburban North Shore where our house edged a national park, the pool was built into a 20 metre cliff. We roamed the streets, walking on hot bitumen, jumping between back yards pool or riding bikes through bush tracks. As teenagers & Uni students these large homes with pools & backyards became party zones. Speakers & turntables were dragged outside, deep & meaningful conversations took place under trees. This was our night club. The suburban oasis of Sydney.

It was a kind of epiphany on Saturday. Standing around a backyard with groups of people nested in different areas of this house all relaxing. It wasn't pretentious either. Wet swimming costumes dripped onto tiled floors, shoes off, sunglasses on, lying back on outdoor furniture under shady verandahs.

Two things happened with MrBalconyView. He who lives in a similar modern apartment as mine also grew up in the suburb next to mine. Shortly after he arrived at the party I was the first person he spoke to. Noting the backyard, he said 'I'd like to buy a house in Killara' (a suburb near our childhood areas) Suprised I asked why. 'For the future' he said. Thoughts of gardens, places for my herbs, greenery & quiet slid into my thoughts. I want that too. I dont' want to live in the inner-city. Bored of being cool. Bored of garbage trucks at 5am!

But don't be scared. I dont' like MrBV like that anymore, but I do realise he's like a male version of me. He reminds me of my family, my childhood, and with the comment about buying back into the North Shore, that I can accept & would enjoy moving away from the inner city.

The lunch party turned into an evening party. The sensible drinking turned into how-much-can-we-put-in-one-drink cocktails complete with lurid colours & mixed fruit garnishes. Then the karaoke machine was turned on. Tanya loves 80s music as much as me & insisted we sing to Spandau Ballet's 'Gold' (always believe in your soul/ you've got the power to know/you're indestrutible/) I'm not much of a singer so I perform & quelle suprise there were microphones with long leads & a couch to slide around on.

Purposely not speaking to MrBalconyView all afternoon - as a demonstration that I'm moving on - he appeared while Tanya & I performed our karaoke moment of the party. Singing to Soft Cell's Tainted Love (don't touch me please/ I cannot stand the way you tease/ I love you though you hurt me so/) I slid under Tanya's legs, carried on like a drag queen, screamed into the mic like Sid Vicious & gave the performance of my life. I sang it all out. Cathartic Karaoke.

I'm a little closer to knowing what I want & more so - to find the person I want to have another life with. Being single is fine. But it's time to move on. I want to have a different life, one with a partner, but mostly being ready for it means being happy to make those changes. I've done everything positive that a single person can do. Been to movies & parties by myself, lived alone, lived in share accomodation. I'm perfectly content with my own company but we are pack animals, we like communities and groups.. this is the next challenge - to bond sucessfully.

O-V-A-H

when you are really getting over someone, there is often a moment when either you hear something, see them & not feel a great reaction or simply the love goggles have fallen off & they are revealed a normal human. This moment is the OVAH moment, it's over, or spelt out, O.V.A.H.

I'm going to see MrBalconyView on Saturday. He's going to Tanja's party & I couldn't give a stuff. why's that? because I have exhausted my interest. My hamster love for him, that spins around going nowhere, has just realized the wheel will only stop if I stop running. And I've stopped. Firstly I want something real. A playmate, a boyfriend, a partner. Not a series of difficult situations where I have to figure it all out, jigsaw the meaning of our time together, understand what he means, wait for phone calls etc.

but what really did it was a piece of information. The bit that figures him all out & you kind of knew it anyway. Someone knew someone who works in the HR dept at MrBalconyView's company. Apparantely he has a reputation for flirting with all the new girls, the 10 - 15 years younger than him staff, who all think he's boring & old. (he's 38). go the smarter younger girls who see that! No wonder he likes his job... the constant parade ground of younger women.

When I was 25, there where a few older guys around. I remember lunch one day, the 40yr old picked me up from work in his Porsche, took me to lunch with his friends where the conversation was all sleaze. Telling me how virile they were....their houses, cars, holidays etc. Bored me to tears. Not impressed by possesions. Your attitude and ability to embrace life is more my style.

so that killed it for me, once and for all. The knowledge he is looking in one direction and I'm looking the other.

looking forward to meeting The Viking...oh, not meant to think about that!

Found Him!

It's Sydney Festival time & the hottest ticket is 'la Clique' at Spiegeltent it's a gorgeous 1920's German wood & mirrored tent featuring a cabaret/ circus/ burlesque show. 350 people were cramed into the place to see the likes of Captain Frodo who bends like a rubber man through two tennis rackets & Bath Boy who trapezes from bath to ceiling in wet jeans. My face was sore from laughing all night.

A friend of a friend had organised it & I got the last of his 10 tickets. We meet early to enjoy the outside gardens around the tent. Introduced to David & Margaret, who were asking each other 'where's Brad?' my ears pricked up, Brad! my psychic's suggested lover-to-be's name? Maybe this is it? ! Brad is on his way...I am to meet him & know this is it, the meeting of my life is about to occur. Being forwarned of my potential lover's arrival was not the pleasure I presumed. Would he know I was his one? was he looking for Cat, ie. me?

Brad arrived. I was confused, what do you say? 'hi, I've been waiting a long time for you? ! " He was introduced, he looks nice, I thought. He stared at me, questioningly, 'Do I know you?' he said. I looked to him, noting his face & could see no recognition, 'No, but we'll have to do a background check, maybe we live in the same area". 'What's your surname? " he asked. I told him. I could now feel a strong blush rising. 'Oh, I know your sister, went to Uni with her & I've been to your shop" I now recognised him.... the interior designer's gay colleague.

Now to meet a straight, available Brad, actually any name will do. Such a Sydney moment.

Brad, where are you?

(background music: Chaka Khan " This is my night")

The change of year brings about so much & the best way to deal with this...is to see a psychic! At the Terrigal beach house we had Rayleen come and read for us. I have the whole thing on tape, promoting the search for my old sony walkman...anyhoo...where are the boys is my only question. She said 'who's Brad?' I know no Brad at all, save Mr Pitt. So now the search is on.. am concerned I am super influenced by that name & will stupidly focus only on that!

A few years ago I saw Elizabeth, who threw the names 'Tom' & 'Peter' at me. Another complete blank. If only she'd used 'Chris' or 'David' I would have gone back to see her.

NYE

A few months ago Liz & I decided to escape Sydney. We've seen the fireworks time & again but it's also the constant singleness, and NYE is another whack in the face.

I wanted to sit on a beach, with a bottle of Verve, friends & a gentle breeze. While the seaside town did it's best to get reeved up & celebrate NYE.

Terrigal was the place. 1.5 hours north of Sydney & we found a townhouse for the week. The relief of this organisation has been more satisfying than I could imagine. To know what you are doing on NYE for 6 weeks in advance is a new & enjoyable emotion.

I'm sitting here now on January 1st. We had the loveliest and funniest NYE. After spending the day at the beach, we slept, read trash mags & organised a ritual.

We each wrote issues both positive and negative from 06 & what we want from 07. We took candles, matches, bottle of wine & the four of us chicks all had hibicus flowers in our hair.
I sent out my NYE text message to everyone 'Good bye to difficult 2006, Hello to all the possibilites of 2007. As the late James Brown said 'I feel good''. Of the 20 people I sent it to mrBalconyView was the first to respond 'hope you are having fun in terrigal'(21:50pm) I wasn't going to respond but the next one shocked me. It was a picture message of the plant I gave him for his housewarming in May. 'look at your bamboo'(22:52pm) it said. Liz said 'if he behaves then maybe it will work out". I was determined to respond, but not just yet.

As we headed to the beach for midnight other groups emerged from the beach houses to do the same. The glo-stick family wandered by, the beer boys made suggestions & we ambled by with our woven tray of offerings for the new year.

Toasting ourselves from the sheltered rocky outcrop with the sounds of the Terrigal hotel noises in the background, Liz went down to the shore to burn her notes. She was soon approached by a young bloke. Tim who works for an investment bank He and his friends had hired a $10,000 apt on the beach & had some illegal fireworks they had set off on the beach. He kept telling us we were 'down chicks' which I think means we are cool.

We were encouraged to come back to his apartment. The other girls were all taking Tim aside & asking who we were & that we couldn't stay the night....so much drama. We left to wander home & enjoy the fact that we didn't need a taxi.

Once home I texted mrBalconyView. 'Terrigal has been the right choice. Hope you also make the right ones this year. I had no idea the lucky plant was doing so well. Ditto 4 yours at mine (he gave me a plant for my housewarming). See you some time soon." (1:52am)

no response, but that what I was trying to burn. My need to hang on to the idea of him

torso year

After Aunt Helen's advice to dream about sex more, I had a vivid dream of a male torso, a nicely muscled sporty one. Telling the girls the first morning at the beachhouse, how while waiting for the fish and chips last night, I was watching the kayaker's pull their kayaks out of the water. Mesmerised by their lovely male torso's it put me in the mood for more beach action in our holiday week.

We discussed manifesting in the morning. Wanting something, asking the universe to make it happen...actively asking for things. At the moment the parking fairy is being good to me. So Wanted to test this theory a bit more.

I would like to see more torso's. More men on the beach pulling out surf ski's. Torso Candy is what I asked for. Hours later after a morning on the beach I was still shocked at the outcome of that request. I was lying on the beach after a good long swim & was looking around. Out to sea was a gathering of kayakers. They started paddling into shore, thinking they were headed for the surf club, further up, they paddled straight towards us. smack onto the beach in front of us. A Dozen men in speedos, getting of the water, hauling their kayaks. From behind our sunglasses, Liz & I were stunned. It was not just proof of the power of manifesting, but that it happened in such a dramatic & humourous way.

so I'm calling 2007, the year of the torso.

back from hols

i've got a lot to catch-up on...so bear with me as I summarise the last month!

Advice from Aunt Helen

Xmas was a day of brunch, lunch & dinner consisting of ham, seafood & pinot noir, three times over. Luckily I have the consitution!

Late into the night I sat down next to Helen, a sort of aunt, whose about my mum's age. She's been a single mother most of her life, and retired recently from law. Smart, funny & still has a cigarette after dinner. She asked me 'what's going on ?" I knew she meant my love life. "nothing, they are out there...but I'm just not connecting" I thought of MrBalconyView, Mr TASF and all the other dates of the year. "do you dream much about sex? " she asked. As an avid dreamer, I confessed to halting those dreams. too painful. 'You've got to dream more about sex". We ran out to the balcony, both grabbed cigarettes as she told me more..

"Stop talking!" she said" "just look at them, long, straight & just... "let the heat rise?, I said "exactly! then wait for it to reach your loins & bingo ! get straight to a room! " What else? , "just before you go out, touch yourself, get yourself ready. You'll be prepared to look deeply at him, with satisfaction. Do you have a vibrator?" , "No" I said, "well I'll come shopping with you! ". Love that woman!

Dream more, stop talking, look at him, let the heat rise & get a vibrator. It wasn't just a penny dropping it was a brick to my head. Now to find someone to look deeply at!

what happened next

a big nothing. a big predictable nothing. why predictable? because he does nothing to start or initiate a date or even regular contact. and that is the most telling behaivour of all.

So ten days after seeing the film, I had one of those female emotional moments. It was the night of my dad's birthday (dec 23rd) Surrounded by such greatfamily, full of good foods (zuchini flowers on the bbq with rose champagne) I just want to have someone to share that with...a really basic emotion.and at nearly 40 it's time to experience & share this feeling.

A bursting feeling came over me. A monster of desire birthing from my throat and mind. I had to text mrBalconyView. just something simple. but just some bloody contact. No longer wanting to be predictable, my new self is more demanding of my emotional needs.

it was almost 10pm, but, oh well, why sleep when you have desire on the brain? "hi, just to say hello. hope you are good and catch up some time soon."
my expectation was he would ignore. So I started getting ready for bed, within10 mins I heard my phone beep. I choose to keep brushing my teeth, and slowly went to the phone to see the message. " I'm good. at home chilling. merry xmas. hope you are well.would be nice to see you soon"
My heart just started beating stupidly widly.
for the next 50 mins we texted back and forward..fun but he shifted the conversation from anything serious & didn't solidify any dates. "going to bed now. have to finish xmas shopping tomorrow. Are you alright?"
the last part was the stopper. Did he think I was unhinged? I felt caught out with the comment.

another day where I swore under my breath about my behaivour & vowed to get over him.

hard to describe

The whole evening was fun. I really enjoy his company, like staring at his face, clicking along with thoughts & stories & it's all really easy. The slight sexual undertones are a long forgotton addition to the event as well. Whether those undertones are just mine is still undecided.

over a cheap meal after the film we discussed his female friends. Some of whom he has dated briefly & some make moves on him every now & then. One particular chick is stunning. A perfect corporate barbie. Flowing blonde hair, perfect cheekbones, slender & loves a tight red dress. He dated her once & thought no. She makes moves on him sometimes & he has to put her back into place. I think she's the chick that boys want to date, but not in reality, as her appearance is time consuming. My comment was I like to think I can dive in the sea & not worry about my hair. she is the complete opposite. Grooming comes before joy.

I brought up his friend MrTASF and the text message saga of last week. He said he never discusses stuff like that with him, not unexpected, but was sympathetic to what I saw as his friend's unhappiness at life's outcomes. It was good to be honest & I liked his response.

The only other time I went out with Chris, almost 2 years ago, we sort-of kissed in the car after I drove him home. Considering we never went out again alone, I figured I would not repeat the same mistake. The traffic was bad near his house & it was decided he'd get out and walk...no biggy, as the night weather is glorious. I pulled the car in, turned to say goodbye & the lean-in from him was quite strong, so determindely, I went straight for the cheek. God those moments are so etched on your mind for days after. The small breaths taken between those actions are less than 3, yet are the only ones remembered all day. As he jumped out he smiled at me thru the open roof with such a soft penetrating gaze I just savoured it all in.

A few minutes after I got home, holding my phone & thinking of messages to text everyone, it went off. 'at home thanks for a good night' chris. oh, the small joy of that text.

I am not deluded. He's a great person. But is it timing ? is the feeling not reciprocated ? I don't know. But I do know I am his friend & he is good company. In the words of Madonna Esther Louise Ciccone Ritchie.. 'just let it be"

film in a few hours

just want to remember this moment. It's 2 hours before I meet Chris (mr balcony view) for a film. This is history making. In the last 2 years we have always been in groups, at parties, functions etc. never alone. That's right - never just us.

So preparations, Well Mystic has already blogged my date preps... will take my own advice!

Dating Advice From A Gemini
8/12/2006 10:33:49 PM
"lots of scrubbing of skin with salts in shower then , my fav, is sipping ice cold vodka mix while rubbing light scented oils onto skin after shower. rub oil all over arms & legs for glossy limb look.(pat dry with towel if too oily) ideally have swim in ocean morning of date. you will be a heady mixture of oils and ocean,with the grace of a gisele bunchen on catwalk, due to vodka confidence. if you drink white wine at date, put a few ice cubes in glass, it will stop you getting too drunk. The Gemini Fashionista."

All my friends have given great advice & are demaning a text update later tonight. It could be nothing, but I think it's something. I sense a fundamental shift.

Liz said " he gets three bites of the cherry" i.e. referring to the amounts of times I've had Chris it-should-happen moments. This is number three

Alison said "Don't confess, don't say anything you'll regret...be cool" wise advice as she knows my ability to blab inappropriately.

Lisa said 'my husband, when I confronted him at the beginning after a six month friendship, denied even liking me. He was soon jealous & changed his mind when I dated someone else."

Nicole said " go for it " with all her positivity and directness. No pfaffing about with Nicole.

The best was Tanya. She recalls a long conversation with Chris (mrBV) about cars. That you know exactly what you want from your next car, but not your next relationship. Could I play that game, 'if I was a car, was type of car would I be?"

chris is downstairs...

I'm upstairs in the office above the store. All day I've had meetings, long sales with customers & been a talking machine. The store manager calls me from downstairs. "chris is here to see you". I usually don't hesistate to help on the shop floor, particulary at this time of year, but who is 'chris'? it's a thursday afternoon. it's not chris/ mr balcony view?

IT BLOODY WELL WAS.

Standing in the store, looking all unshaven, healthy & relaxed. He has taken a week off from work, is enjoying himself & decided to visit. We stood around, talked life, concerts, parties, our friends, 80's music. 'I haven't seen you since the INXS concert' , 'you look well'..... he said. He's just lovely, so gentle, funny, told stories. I was trying not to over-think, not to expect, just enjoy. He is hopeless at initiating anything. So I asked if he's seen 'Casino Royale' 'oh, i've got all the books, but no, I haven't seen it yet' he doesnt say anything else. I know the next step is to suggest seeing it together...

we continue talking and then I did it.... I suggested we go & see the movie. he said bloody yes. It's momentous. we are both in a stand-off position, have been for years, I don't ask, he doesn't ask, we only see each other if our groups are co-alligned for some event. The tragedy is we were both at U2 the other week, both lined up for the same train home at midnight. I 've had enough of the coincidences. time for action.

So there we are making notes about seeing the film. 'I'm at a bbq, but would be good to leave at 5' 'okay i'll text you some time on sunday, the 6pm session? ' good, good.

a few moments after he left I was stuned. Luckily there is a pub across the road from the store...the hot humid afternoon called for corona's. We found his sunglasses on the counter, shortly after.

I called him...he said 'I was so excited to see the movie, I must have left my sunglasses behind'

will sleep well tonight.

texting rally continues

the last post was Friday afternoon. I was buggered & looked forward to a night on the couch, with episodes of West Wing & My Name is Earl, to watch. Friday is not my end of week, I work in the shop on Saturday & the markets on Sunday.

Was not to be. A new text arrived from MrType-A-SuperFit.
6:45pm "Well I never like playing reserve..so why don't you text me to see what happens?"

6:50pm " I'm texting. what happens now? I know how you get to be my star player, play by the rules"

7:13pm "I will text you later..you should come around to my place later..what rules do you want to play by..."

then the phone rang. He suggested dinner. Now I haven't seen him in 6 months, so actually meeting was going to be more productive.

He is a massive guy. Very muscular, tall, glasses, classic Type A. Very Fit, Bright, has 16 letters after his name on his business card. No dummy. But emotionally damaged. And very drunk.

His presense was very powerful, he was full of compliments, kept wanting to hold hands, spoke of how he thought of me constantly, but, in his words, was not boyfriend material but was up 'for fun'. I pushed back, didn't bite, and physically pushed him away. Being drunk he wasnt' aggresive, more playful.

He started telling me how much he admired me, respected me & my business. Told me how hard it must be...and it just hit me at once, I started crying. Not sobs but stress tears, watery eyes, hot tension leaving me. He put his hand on mine & it felt wrong. There are times when you cannot be touched by someone when you are crying and especially if you know the person is more manipulative. I didnt' want him to take advantage as by then I knew it would go no further.

The restuarant was emptying so we left for the pub across the road. Standing outside he asked for a hug and just sensed he was wounded in some way. He wasn't dangerous just misguided. He tried to pash me, but I pushed him away. It was time to go & I drove off home.

The next day, while at work, was the moring text

11;22am " Remember I am on the reserve bench..If you want we can be good for each other with the occasional...it is up to you...one think you need to be clear on though is I am not boy friend material..I am to much of a mess @ the moment" (yes, he has a blackberry, hence the long text)

reply: 'oh well, I'll just leave it"

I called shortly after as the whole 'mess' thing was weird. Why was he such a mess? work was good for him, he said. So I asked after his recent divorce. He was separated living with his sister when I meet him 6 months ago, what had happened since?

I asked" have you signed the papers yet? it is actually official?"

he signed them on Thursday.

midnight text rally

being the culture animal that I am, just got back from the theatre last night (moliere is over-rated) to find a text message from MrTASF. Another booty call text; demanding I go to him & satisfy his needs. As if...in the words of Cher Horowitz. Haven't seen the sod since May. What urges have come over him, I dont' know. My fabulosity is obviously slow to digest.

Was indignant at his suggestiveness, and each request came with the coda 'just for fun' or 'it will not go futher than the physical'. My responses were 'not interested', 'texting is lame' & 'not budging'. I switched my phone to silent and watched him call 3 times. Called him soon after that as sick of the text rally & couldn't go to sleep. Imaging he was home drunk, it turned out he was in the city. He tried his invitation out again: I just told him how offended I was with the first text message the other week. He did understand and apologised. The phone call ended soon after.

This morning's text was 'cat - you handled that very well last night....Although it would have been good fun if I had got my way...Anyway apologies for being so forward..TASF.

reply: 'apology accepted. I'm prepared to wait 4 the right bloke. Its more than sex. You understand. cat x'

'cat - you have the right approach but occassionally you can give yourself a break..After all @ the end of the day we are all human & I know iit is a great way to releave stress...TASF'

reply: you can be on the reserve bench then. however you might want to be some one else's star player'

And I told him the first message was shown to all my friends & I posted it on my blog...which is the first time he's heard of it.. I think he didn't quite catch what I was saying, cos I said it quickly. An enjoyable sneaky moment.

it was easy to flick off these messasges. So not interested in the pure physical. My challenge is to wait & find, then enjoy the right person.

head, not heart

Got last minute tickets to see Kylie Minogue. Meet at the Entertainment Centre only to realise it was out at Homebush (20kms away), our free tickets were 3 rows from the back, but the concert was good. Kylie has just recovered from breast cancer & this show is the comeback from the earlier cancelled ones. The gay audience was beside themselves over the beefcake dancers in psuedo bondage. The costumes were fab, all Dolce Gabbana & Galliano. Without going into a review, I enjoyed it immensly

As she sang 'Put your hand on your heart' (and tell me) I thought of all the boys and dates of this year. All of them are just in my head, not my heart. No-one is in my heart. Which means I am clear to find someone to fill it.

It also helps that Jupiter is in Sagittarius now.... good news for Gemini's...this is what MysticMedusa wrote as the influences for this year...

GEMINI – Love! A significant relationship! Sensational biz partner

I am wishing..!

pleased with myself

after last week's 1:30am booty call from MrTypeA-SuperFit, which I choose to ignore, I thought of the perfect response.

Exactly one week, at 1:30 exactly from that inconveniently timed text message (I was asleep!) I sent a response.

"Hi TASF, how's your love life? text messages are not my thing. Doing lots of flirting. TV show is on next year. Will definately let you know. sleep well. cat"

no response so far, but it feels good.

girls, girls, girls

I'm surrounded by women. I'm so lucky to have so many great women friends, and sometimes it takes weeks to catch-up with all of them. I often wonder if I should be a lesbian... I have better luck meeting great women. Damn, I prefer men, the allusive the better.

the other week I meet Laurel, who has a blog on online communities, we talked for hours over cheap glasses of wine (at the art gallery members bar - got to join!) about web, internet, astrology, sydney etc.

Tanya is another great new friend whose emails have me in stitches. She's a wise women on men, and still baffled by them. Drinks with her & 3 other female friends on Saturday. All of them are single & all beautiful and normal. (Hi Liz !, Hi Mand !)

Tonight is a catch-up with 3 ex work colleagues, all chicks, all fun. (hi sons! hi di! hi kate!)

finally tomorrow is 1st drinks with MrFitManly, who i'll call the Mr PhotoKisserforA Bottle of Wine..oh, bit long, MrFM is easier. We meet 2 weeks ago, or was that 3 weeks? any way not terribly excited about meeting him.. Apart from the night we met, I emailed him when the photo's came out in the email & he suggested drinks. Heard nothing since & just cant' get enthused about the date. I need a build-up, bit more tension or flirtation & not feeling it currently.

I just need a boyfriend who either stays at home or goes out a lot, then I can continue to catch-up with my friends & meet more cool chicks.

photo dogs

in this age of digital cameras we no longer have bad photos.

I don't have an issue about getting older or older looking. The idea that my most attractive years were as a teenager or early 20's was recently dispelled by a shoe box full of 'photo dogs'.

Since I moved into a proper home earlier this year all my belonging are boomeranging to me. Boxes of Beta tapes, old shoes, single bed sheets & boxes of photos. And in the photo boxes is evidence my youth was not all shiny hair & perfect skin. Apart from a photo of me in shorts when I was 12, you will never ever see my legs again. My hair has been thru many colours, sometimes two at once - red with brown re-growth. Smoking & looking annoyed at the camera was a favourite pose & anything un-posed doesn't work - a half -motion shot is not artistic or interesting.

All these photos would have been deleted, or lost on a lap-top somewhere. But I have the printed evidence, the photo dogs of my youth.

late night surprise

I got my first booty call sunday morning. I'd just hit the pillow after the U2 concert when the text came thru. Thinking it may be my concert going friend, I looked at the message. With sudden clarity I started to read it.

"Special Agent Cat. How is the flirting going - have you graduated to an advanced stage - I am in your area if you are out & want to catch up for fun...MR TASF"

it was MrTypeA-SuperFit, last heard of in May this year (6 months ago!)
So he was 'in my area' ... like some special offer Mr Whippy Van ?

How to re-act? I didn't want to start a texting rally, there was only 5 more hours of sleep before the alarm, so I ignored it.

When I showed my friends the next day, ignoring him was the agreed and only reaction, as we are all completely disinterested in any texting as a form of dating/ flirting/ getting together.
We are over texts. Too easily sent, too easily dismissed & eventually expensive once you start to volley back your answers. Humour, subtlely, nuances, all these are lost in the race to text. Now I'm up against blackberry holders, whose speed surpases my standard nokia double thumbing.

last week I recieved two cards in the mail, one a thank you letter from Alison for her birthday present & the other from Liz, a funny card & a spontaneous friendship message. Both were beautifully personal, funny, and unambiguous in their message. They now sit on my dresser & will remind me over the next few weeks of their lovely messages.

you can't pin a text message to your fridge. there is no joy in texting.

Further proof came from Sally, who is over texts from a potential. She put a card on his car & received a 'live' phone call as a result. He was impressed enough to call.

We love phone calls. There is no waiting, it's easy to respond & you can make plans in a fraction of a time.

So the campaign has started. Text dating is out. Phone call & letters are in. I'm re-setting the boundaries for relationships. If you can't call, don't bother. make the effort

eyeballing his 'one'

one guy, who a few of us have dated, has recently found his perfect match, his - 'the one'. We're all intrigued to see this version of woman-hood that has him visting her elderly relatives and considering all those next steps you have in a serious relationship.

all those conversations we've had about what he may be looking for, what we were to him in comparison to what he eventually went for...it's all really interesting.

he's also one of those guys who has a completely seperate life. you never met any of his friends, only his other female friends, this was verified by his other ex-girlfriends. Some of us stayed friends with him with the off-chance you might meet some of his male friends, but never did. He kept his male friends strickly seperate. Purely self motivated reasons on his part. We all got sick of his solo company & stopped inviting him to much.

Could we see what appeals to him in her? let me put it this way, If he's a lampost, she's the lampshade. He's a brick & she's a sponge. He's mr sporty & she's a painted princess... they look perfect together.

one toxic bachelor has changed his spots... who will be next?

past it

some weekend activities are just not good for me.

* drinking too much champagne (really it's australian sparking wine - how I hate that term!)
* thinking I can stand upright & dance
* falling off dancefloors into the crowd
* smoking methols
* going to nightclubs and doing any of the above continuously
* arguing with the door bitch
* driving home while under the influence
* recovery the next day included lots of miso soup, cups of tea & strangley an opera on the ABC arts program...I just couldn't stand ads, the noise was too much
* and the much needed dash to the bathroom to park my tiger

all the next day I kept having flash backs on my behaivour, so kept uttering two words, 'bum!' and 'fu*k!"

I won't say, never again, but a quiet life in the suburbs with dogs & home duties is just looking so appealling... this city single life is exhausting & in my case, all too repetitive.

recently single vs long term single

The chick in the coffee shop across the road, Simone, is newly single, 1 week to be exact. After 7 years with her live-in boyfriend they called it quits. She's 35, he's 29.

I was telling her how I've been single for 2 years now, dating consisitently, doing parties, the tv show etc & now, this morning, the kissing email photos arrived....It just can't get anymore out-there than a photo of the party pash in a morning email.

Simone agreed, it's about trying new things, even walking a different way to work. This morning, she went down a different street, spied a cute boy, eyed him up, as he did to her & then walked her down the street organising a date for Saturday night. Some people are never single for long & she's one of them.

For long-term singles, we are used to being alone & can manage it well. We won't give up our sense of order & comfort for the sake of having a boyfriend. Also it has to be right, not perfect, but genuine & powerful. I think I give off the vibe of being happily single too, whereas Simone as representative of the newly-single & not-for-long group, has an electric vibe. The energy of the break-up, her determination to sort out her life & her candor of the recent events makes her attractive.

Another friend, Holly, is recently divorced after 18 years. She's 43, extremely attractive in a friendly way & so lovely. Her dating life has us in both stitches & admiration. Men fight to talk to her in bars, jump into cabs to get her number & she often has 3 on the go. She's writing a book about newly single life at 43 & how much fun dating is.

so there are two things to emulate when looking for someone, firstly - not looking. The classic case of not being aware or paying attention; this covers not trying to hard or looking desperate. Secondly - the just-broken-up energy, looking free & happy to be social, strutting down the street, life is good attitude.

image added

the photo is me kissing MrSuperFitManly at the singles party. it's the lead photo on the company email that came thru this morning. There's also photos of the four of us, me, Di, and the two Manly guys,...but I won't post that without Di's permission.

I forwarded it to MrSFM, and he wants to catch-up next week....

here goes...!

crushes

I have a habit of developing crushes. Prehaps I like the exquisite torture of this activity as opposed to the solid real-time events of an actual relationship; as I get older & crushes are more common to me than relationships, so I suspect I prefer torture.

just a potted history of these debilatating crushes before I promulagate my anti-crush methods. of course, in the teenage years there was the boy on the bus, then the guy at the train station, then at uni umpteen guys who were gay after all, then the last two, great friends, very available, but not to me, aquarian males, both of which lasted over 2 years & both in my 30's. Crushes are clearly not ageist.

some people have a problem with married men, I have a problem with crushes. Fortunately or not with unmarried, single males...who are technically available, so I got some cred there.

One very simple way for breaking the crush is to actually talk to them. The squeaky tones of their dull voice is often a sure fire way of quenching the desire flames. Didnt' we all giggle with relief when hearing Beckman speak? oh, Posh can have him, we thought, no sexy phones call there...text messaging is his limit.

A second simple method is once you talk to them, just gently steer conversation into sexual preferences or those that indicate his more precisely...eg' going to the kylie minogue concert?" or 'had any waxing done recently?" here we learn whether to continue having a crush on a gay man, or potential gay, or man who leads gay life but is not gay (you'll spend your life defending his sexuality, a bit like Lisa Marie Presley & Micheal Jackson, we all wanted to know if the marriage was consumated)

Once you can converse without hyperventilating, have established lack of wife or live-in partner, you generally start to think of IT being possible. Us women do that, you like them, you get on, you are attracted....boom. it should turn into something. It gets worse when he is happy to email you, ask you home decorating questions, he starts confessing that he'd like a girlfriend (pick me!) & you start reciting lines from 'When Harry met Sally' in your mind, particulary how men and women can't really be friends, because sex gets in the way. You think, eventually he'll crack, he'll wake up one day & ta-da! he picks up on your heavy chemical scent & throws some pheremones your way.

This is where mine go hay-wire. When he emails you first thing in the morning, confessing his love of ... someone else. he's so happy to tell you & wants your female advice on maximising the experience. While vomiting into the coffee cup, you tap back your positive answer. Then become unavaialble.

the second type of hay-wire is a chemically loaded crush with a stop/start man. It's all there, conversation, attraction, flirting signals, small touches, maybe even a proper date, but then a big nothing. Life keeps putting you in his path, friends are encouraging, he seems encouraged, you try all your flirting skills, and yet nothing happens. He's the type of crush that walks in to a room walks straight to you, happy greetings are exchange & 20 mins later he is pashing someone else. That I don't understand !

okay, so I've developed some methods for assiting you in the throws of these heavy crushes... tune in tomorrow...would love to hear your ideas too! so please leave some comments on what you do..! !

singles party

it's just really vile, the things you have to do.

thursday night: a swish bar on the harbour, and everyone was 30+ and single. First relief - most people were way over 30. First nightmare - the 'question & answer' game we had to play in order to mingle was so sexually loaded, it was embarrassing.

Straight to the bar, downed a few G&T's . Got out the game cards & just went along with it. It was suddenly easy to move from one bloke to another, have a chat, ask a few questions & move around. I was with Di, who is a good talker. I ask the silly questions & she gets straight to the important ones, like where do you live & what do you do. It was mostly women moving & doing the game. The men stood around. not sure what that is.

Once you found your 'answer' card, you went in the draw for a dvd prize. After an hour, I couldn't find my answer, so I swapped cards. We were talking to two lovely guys from Manly (a beachside suburb) at the time & my new card matched one of them. He is super fit, super sucessful & another bloody capricorn. (the third this year!) Now you may think, I'm up to my old tricks, asking about star signs, but he asked me first, seriously! He actually asked if I could guess his star sign...now, my friends know this, but it's one of my party tricks. If I can guess your star sign, you get to kiss my friend....meanwhile, I get out the phone camera & take a picture! strangely they let me guess many times & everyone gets a pash, so it's a fun game. So Mr SuperFitManly asks me if can guess him. After 3 goes I did. He then recited the famous people born on his day (Jan 9th, elvis presley is one), whereas I have Donald Trump & Boy George (june 14th)

Capricorns are funny, they love to reel off their acheivements to you... how many books, businesses, overseas trips, deals, network moments.

We then dicussed astrologers, shamens etc, as you do. I said I've been asking the universe for a partner. I also wanted to win one of the DVDs of 'the break-up' so I laughed & said 'universe i want to win a dvd'. We then walked to the counter with our matching Q&A's. I told the girl I finally matched with someone after an hour, she gave me a strangely sympathetic look & just nodded to her side-kick as they passed me a dvd & said,' take this & don't tell anyone'. the universe was listening! am totally inspired to keep asking & maybe ask for a bit more than just a dvd.

next weird game bit. Anyone who booked via the internet recieved a SMS. 'hi cat, find your Y and kiss him at the match table to WIN a bottle of X&Y wine. First 3 couples to do the dare win!" I showed it to MrSuperFitManly & he said, let's do it. As a secretly competitive person, who is also a lush, I thought it an excellent idea. We rushed first to the table & (I can't believe this ) pashed for a bottle of wine, while they took photos. ... i must go and check their web site...dear me.

So I left with a dvd, bottle of wine, his business card & a desire to ask the universe for more things.

the spark

just got word, that Mr Sparkly is waiting to meet someone he sparks with... he didn't get it with me...and he's too busy right now as well..

wow...I know so many men...in the 39 - 44 age bracket who are 'still waiting' , waiting for the spark. But I do agree with them, I'm doing that too. Some of my wish list is not negotiable, there has to be passion & connection, without that there is no basis. It's not an overwhelming passion, but something you clearly feel without effort. I am negotiable on other aspects, amount of body fat, height & music taste, for example, and can even take on other political persuasions as well...but not far right/ christian...there are some limits!

Thursday is the singles party, Saturday is a great friends 40th... I am 'out-there' meeting & greeting... I am busy but not too busy, especially if the person is right.

ambush

a former flat mate, Chantal, has become my yenta: more a fairy-matchmaker. She sucessfully found a boyfriend via dinner speed dating & a year later she's on my war path, in a nice way.

last sunday was a BBQ at Bondi, hosted by a male friend of hers, who, she thinks, would be ideal for me. Two emails & two text messages of reminders from her to make me visit, but time constrictions stopped me. I had a dinner with the astrologer on the other side of the city, that night.

Chantal found his profile on RSVP and emailed to me, which I read & did like too (cultured, sporty, educated & same background) so decieded it would be a good thing to meet him. The plan was to have lunch at his health food cafe & see if we click, which we did today.

I have never felt nervous about something like that...walking into a cafe, having lunch & casually meeting the owner. I felt obvious & didnt' want to accidentally mentioned something which indicated I had read his profile on RSVP, you know the foot-in-mouth thing where you say something which means you know more than you are letting on?

it was also about getting my hopes up. my hopes are a bit sick of being used again like this.

So he sits down with us (yes, I had just shoved bunches of baby spinach in my face) & he was just cute. lovely sparkly eyes, smart, interesting, and he spent about 20 mins with us.. I started blabbing about the astro dinner, because that's why I couldn't make his BBQ, then realised I sounded like a loony....luckily he said lots of his staff are equally loony, if not more so...

Chantal was giving it a big push too. She mentioned how I live with my brother, my business, and ended with 'cat you should give him your business card".(just because! no other reason! ) When we all stood up, I tried to angle my body towards his (as SuperFlirt advises) with no defensive arm postures. But, you know when you like the look of someone straight away? it was like that. ...

MrSparkly he shall be called henceforth.

I'm such a gullible, fatalistic romantic...it will just kill me to start an obsession. I'll just write about it & hope that's enough.

something's changed

I went out with MrChatty the other night. I suddenly became all bossy & told him what to eat, when to re-fill my glass & just blabbed on, having my own good time. Basically I 've lost interest. I'm tired when I look at him, not enthused.

I've had enough of dating!

All this time trying to be polite and interesting showing my wily femine ways. I just want IT to be there. An interest, an attraction, a pulse!

the new justin timberlake song - 'sexyback' has got to me, I want the strong beat, not the soft melodies.

As my fav astrologer is saying, the times are very scorpionic, depth charging, deepness, lots of passion. (see mysticmedusa & astrobarry) for the remainder of the year, Mercury (planet of communication) and other planets are in Scorpio. A planet that doesn't shy away from emotions. Give me some of that.

Next thursday Di & I are taking a chance, we're going to a big singles party - Scary! then we can tick that off the to-do-list & make a story of it .

survey stat

from marie claire US.

2% of men want you to pay on a first date.

information is power, ladies!

MrChatty - update

when I'm asked about MrChatty, I just say he's making no effort. Since the attraction was precarious anyway, I've just crossed him off my list.

He called the other night & I missed the phone. No compucture to call back. I was elbow deep in cooking & cleaning. Much more fun!. he called a second time, again I missed it, by accident.

This is what has changed in me. I would normally call back. I'm nice, I call back, even if I don't like them. Rudeness is a sin I can't handle, so I act like I want to be treated. This time I didn't. partly because I was finding him boring. He just talked about his job offers & that's no fun.

The Third call that night I caught. He had just bought an apartment and wanted to tell me. Nice kicked in & I made congratulatory noises.

another week goes by, he calls to have lunch.

We had lunch, I was rude, well dissinterested.

Another 10 days goes by. He calls for drinks. I just had enough. I dont want to lead anyone on, but he seems to think he can talk about work & ask me out. Rather stay at home, thank you.

So I stopped being nice & decided to confront. I was honest with him. "I don't really see this as anything, the momentum has gone & you're not making an effort. Seeing you every 7 to 10 days is nothing, and even though I said I wanted to take things slow, I didn't mean lunch or coffee every fortnight" I calmly blurted.

He said I was right & that I had patience & he was so busy getting a job he was purposely not seeing me that often.

I responded "I dont have patience, it's just I would have happily dated someone else just you're lucky I havent' been asked out recently. I honestly thought after lunch, 10 days ago, you'd never call again. And I know you are looking for work & think money may be tight, but it's not money - it's effort & thought."

No attention, means no interest.

So tomorrow night we are gonig out for drinks/ dinner. I am looking forward to seeing him, as he's an interesting person, but I've changed. No longer 'patient' or dissinterested, I'll expect his effort & respond happily in return. Effort is rewarded with enthusiasm.

Vibes & Intuition

Being the psuedo-flake that I want to be, I've been following Sonia Choquette, an american intuitive psychic. She emphasis listening to your 'vibes' and trusting them. You access these vibes by watching your body's signals, following hunches & gut reactions. looking for inner wisdom & guidance.

So I've been meditating (often at 4am when i can't sleep) and seeing if I do know what to do about my feelings for MrBv.

He's a pendulum, my vibes said, like in a grandfather clock, moving back & forward. My feelings for him swing from positive to negative. I'm trapped in that movement. I respect this is my doing & Only I can change the cycle of this unsatisfying movement.

That night I dreamt of being in a game, similar to musical chairs, except just places were being shuffled around, not removed. There was a logic & reason to the pattern, but that answer belonged to the universe & everything would fall into place shortly & be fine.

so I deceided to stop worrying, let the universe take over & just accept it's a game.

Sending the email bomb was great. I have absolutely no regrets about that & it was a truthful email, done in my classic light-hearted way. his text response confirmed it was fine, but didn't evoke any immediate need to further discuss, share thoughts over a drink or two, for example. I just got the text message. no more.

80/ 20 rule

Mr BalconyView's business card has moved a few times. From the freezer to my wish box, to my plastic box of business cards at work. I think it will stay there now.

A few weeks ago MrBv was sick & he actually wrote more than 3 sentences in an email...using his blackberry from his harbourview bedroom.

Mr Chatty was being boring & not making any effort to do anything, so I was feeling peeved. I felt there was no attraction & was taking the mental steps of pushing him to the back of my mind's extistence.

I just let rip to MrBV. A 3 para diatribe about wanting to find someone but didn't know how. I was sick of being a cheerleader and considered becoming demanding and flaky. Prehaps being nice is good for charity but not for love & satisfying relationships, I wrote.

I've noticed an increasing need for D&M style conversations; superficialilty is passe. Intensity is building. No longer afraid of depth charging questions to others. MrBalconyView (the crush is back on) emailed 'how are you?" I replied with my frustrations about finding love - a response to his question back in march (how do you know when you've meet the one?) then, knowing I had created an 'email bomb' I decieded to leave him alone (aquarians hate to be ignored) 7 days later I get a sweet text 'thinking of you & how are you'. my blast was accepted !

it's the 80/20 rule....80% of your efforts may be in vain, but there is a 20% chance it will work....this logic applies to any mad endeavours.

I am looking forward to the remainder of the year. Bring on the intensity, the crazy dreams & the love

overdue update

I've been on a quest. To find If I need to do this Blog. it takes 30 - 50 minutes a day writing, editing & re-organising.

Blogs are passe already (to the early adopters) & I've only just discovered them. Yet, it's a new version of an old habit as I've kept a diary for years. It's also sporadic, so nothing new there! but still it exists.

this is where the on-line diary differs.

I see my decisions change on a daily/ weekly basis & know if I'm fickle, mean, silly, or wise: or human.

sometimes the immediate events are solid & justifiable, rational. whereas after a friday night at home, watching oprah's 20th anniversary DVD, a box of tissues & half a bottle of red wine later, I'm either sad or angry or or completely okay about my life.

I fluctuate & I'm exposing that mostly to myself, but to any of you lot
who choose to read this & comment....with fantastic responses too! (thank you!)

50% is it enough?

a great friend commented on this blog, she said "Its been a while since I read your blog… Had to laugh – you talk about Mr Chatty being incorrect starsign, age, body shape… then a few blogs below comes the fengshui with the wrong coloured flowers story! And the comment that maybe 50% is ok – as long as it’s the right 50% I guess?"

it's a pass/fail situation. I do need more than 50% to be interested. This is where I get all confused. I'm trying not to 'jump the shark' too much...make decisions about someone before I really know them. Yes, age & maturity have taught me something, but experience tells, to know someone deeply is to spend time & not rush.

One great fear is to settle on someone, only for your true heart's desire to come along later & you are trapped in a half-relationship. Some friends are really disciplined at waiting for the right one. No half-baked dates, no maybe's, no he might be's, just it's there or it isn't. That may take years to happen, years of no dates, no dilema's, no mistakes! just one perfect meeting & boom! the one is the one.

I like my mistakes, my practices, my attempts. I really feel I've tried everything on the smorgasbord, even the stuff I don't like. It makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere and have some stories to tell as I progress on this road-trip of love. The longest road trip of my life!

Back to settling. In that great novel, P&P, Elizabeth's friend Charlotte Lucas settles for the dim-wit cousin, Mr Collins. She is getting-on (27) , knows his faults, but can see he's marriageble & can take care of her. Will I get the D'arcy or the Mr Collins? I fear the Mr Collins approach, and as I start to speed towards 40, will mistakenly take care & comfort over deep understanding & love.

Think I'll revist the vase, see what colours I need & what type of vase to use. I want to improve my odds.

the freezer is working

A while ago I put my former crush's (mr BalconyView) business card in the freezer. He had a strange hold over me & I couldn't shake the attachement I felt. There's a little part of me that gets obsessed, irrationally so. All it takes is a small amount of attention from him & I am overwhelmed. It's really dangerous to be like that: an out of control crush. You just torture yourself & no-one else can replace him in your mind.

Last night was the Countdown concert. MrBalconyView came in our group of 6. MrChatty, my current dating sucess, is away & would have come. Time to test the attraction. Could I think rationally? You know I want to be his friend, because he is fun & when I first saw him approach, I thought 'yep, there is nothing there but his friendship & that's worthwhile'. The relief was there, I could enjoy his company, his silly remarks, look at him & not go any further.

As Psuedo Echo started playing 'Funkytown' I called MrChatty. It was the song we both danced and laughed to on our first date at Souths Juniors Club. I knew who I wanted to be with, Mr Chatty.

at home with mr chatty

it's really dull to post about dates that go well. Mr Chatty is fun, affectionate & has a super laugh. I am taking it real slow with him & that's taking the panic out of it all.

He's gone home to Perth for a few days (that's another repetition, boys from Perth, WA) so I invited him over for dinner last night. This is huge for me, to cook dinner & make a fuss, but I did it for a reason.

Last week I had dinner with Liz's mum, an old-fashioned-cooked-everything-from-stratch-shoeless-cooking mum. In between all her stories about when Liz was young, she said the best way to entice a man was to show him your homemaking skills. Cooking , looking after guests, old fashioned hospitality talents. As we sat there agog at the quiches, fresh cooked vegetables & other home made treats we all pined for fridges full of food, kitchens surrounded by friends all being well fed & I kinda thought, yes, she's right. It's what's missing. The martha-stewart/ nigella lawson touch (without the cameras)

so I cooked. I had pate & humous to start, a meat & two veg meal with salad. We lay on the couches (I dont' have a dining table...a now crucial homemakers missing element) and we slowly unwound, talked about the plight of aborigines, sydney real estate & 80's music. He helped tidy up too.

i'm on a mission to get married, so I'll have dates in my kitchen. maybe this is the way?

catalyst tv show airing

the episode is now scheduled for next year, according to one of the hosts.

just want it over & done with!

Date No4 Mr Chatty

Wednesday this week was date no.4. Originally he was going to cook. Another big tick, I can only cook 6 things so cooking skills are high on my desirable list...and I dont' mean just on the BBQ, a great aussie male tradition, I mean highly evolved skills involving a few co-ordinated pots and pans.

Mr Chatty was late from work & we'd eat out instead. His favourite restuarant, Phamish (in darlinghurst) is packed. I was concerned about fainting from hunger while we waited, but no, Mr Chatty is such a regular, one phone call & a so-called no-reservations restaurant will hold a table for him. My interest in him increases!

As you, my reader know, I've been going on many dates this year. I can talk all night, gather vitual information on religion, politics & private schooling vs public. Some things you don't see for ages....like their interest in dogs, babies & decorating a home.

Sitting next to our express service table was a couple with a very young baby & outside was a herd of dogs, with their take-away-waiting owners. Firstly he points out the dogs and discusses his favourite breeds, then starts a conversation with the baby's parents, sympathises with the crying child & how hard it must be. My head rolled from side to side as I followed this converstaion. A man who talks to babies.

I know it's me...being able to say what I want in life, but the openess with which Mr Chatty discusses homes, dogs, children, business, music is just so refreshing. He is so from the 'wrong age group/ starsign/ body shape' that I would normally select on a dating website. (he is 7 years younger) In fact almost everyone who 'fits' my 'desired profile' is totally boring! life ! always showing me it knows better!

email goodbyes

I took my lap-top (the heaviest in the world) away to Cairns. It was a good distraction but was painful to be on dial-up.

I recieved an email from TheRussianScotsman....here's the intro...

"I wanted to say ‘Hi’ and to apologise for not being in touch. I guess been a wee bit ungentlemanly by not calling so I hope you’ll forgive me for that. I had thought we got on really well at the start but .. .. .. .. well .. .. .. .."

Can you guess? without saying it , he was saying it was over. Quelle relief on my part. So I emailed back

"Yes we did get on well to start with, but like you, maybe the vibe is a bit more friends than anything else? so no need to apologise. You're great company though & would like to stay in touch.

the hammock is calling, talk to you soon."

never heard from him since. Emails can be a good way of saying goodbye.

PeachBlossom Love Magic

Mystic Medusa told me about this FengShui love flower trick. She said to google it & get free advice, but I ended up paying $USD6 for an eBook on the topic. Once I hear about something superstitious like this I have to do it !

So basically, you put a bunch of flowers in the right place in your house, either lounge or bedroom. simple, but this is where I get anxious & have to do it right. You have to have the right direction, according to your chinese sign, either N, E, S or West. Then place in right coloured vase & the right material vase with right coloured flowers and right number of flowers. And change the water every day. bugger that

The nicest cheapest flowers were $4 (cos I'm broke) , so bought them (wrong colour), put them in the best vase for their size & height (still wrong colour & material) and put them the right position& direction. Maybe 50% is okay?

anyway, Date with MrChatty no3 is tomorrow.

MrChatty Date #2

He was away & I was away, so finally last Friday we meet for dinner. He offered to pick me up....I was ready to jump in and say' oh, no don't worry, I'll meet you there.." but I realise I like being picked up. You dont' have to occupy yourself while waiting...checking phones, reading the menu,...it actually starts when he arrives & you're ready.

He choose a new tapas style restaurant & we sat, drank & laughed. I could list some of the topics we talked about, but it was the usual stuff, family, past relationships, work cv, etc, but it's the other things that happened that made me laugh.

In the SuperFlirt book, it says to look for clusters of flirtatious physical signs. Playing with the tie, hands on hips with fingers pointing to the zipper, flared nostrils...but the one sign that I thought was odd & not very flirtatious to witness is 'pulling up & playing with socks' , it's a long way down to the sock area for one & what brain biology is a man using when socks are suggestive ? But there he was, tugging and pulling his socks right at me, all night.

I like this one. He's a good egg. He's coming to the INXS concert too. We have the same daggy taste, ELO, Fleetwood Mac & other 70's bands, plus he loves Duran Duran..! my favourites.

Another reason why I like him... am super broke at the moment, so was worried about paying etc. I love it when the card comes out & everything is taken care of.... the way to my heart is both via my stomach, my liver & my wallet

The 4th Room

Holidays are the worst for being single. I've been away on my own before & not scared of sitting in a restaurant by myself. Going away for work is not a concern, but having a holiday doesn't exist. Most of my single friends hardly take holidays....there is no-one to go with & you dont' take them just to be alone. We get enough of that. I am adventurous & will organise beach house holidays...but the inflatable bed on my last holiday summed up everything.

Recently went to Cairns, FNQ , specifically Clifton Beach for Mum's significant birthday. Along came my sister, her husband & the 10month old; then my brother & his girlfriend, plus Mum & Dad. The four bedroom house was selected via friends & we all jet-stared to Cairns. On arrival, Mum gave me a big hug & showed me the '4th room', my bedroom for the holiday. It was empty bar a desk & chair. It was also next to the TV room & the 'water feature' sculpture was outside the window. yes, the crucial element, a bed was missing. Upstairs everyone had lovely rooms with ensuites & plush beds.

Went to K-mart (such a great place to start a holiday) & bought a blow-up bed. Later at home, the pump didnt' work. First night was spent on the couch. Second night I couldnt' find the switch to the water feature, went out at 3am to find it & set off all the outside lights. Went back to bed & tried not to hear the water pump noise, now more dominant over the trickling soothing water noises.

Apart from the '4th bed' there were feeling of being the 'third wheel'. If I wanted to go anywhere, I had to join up with my brother or sister; sit in the back seat & see the sites.

By the last day I was so tired. The inflatable was not pumped enough, the water feature was now off ( i read the owner's instructions to find the switch) & I woke every morning to the sound to someone watching tv or banging plates in the kitchen. The last day was hammock duty & I slept in the peaceful house while everyone took cars & babies to sight-see. I had my holiday, once I got rid of everyone.

away

I've been away from home for the last two weekends so everything is on hold. no current dates, no contact. I've thought about MrChatty, who I meet the other Friday. He is super easy to get on with, is 32 & a Capricorn, and his real name is either David or Chris, which is why I have to give them nicknames as all recent dates have either of these names.

My interest goes as far as looking forward to catching up again, which is a good start. Trying not to become too obsessed or thinking too much or plan too much. This is my downfall as I dont' see past my own vision of where the relationship should go & judge if he's suitable & good-for-me first....real obvious stuff. I am playing the voice of my mediatation teacher (also a Chris)...just to 'let it go, dont' try & relax'.... 'not trying' is the worst. The slightly competitive-must-do-something-to-keep-it-moving part of me is too dominant. Chasing is the part I need to let them do. It's their job. Primative but true.

davids & chris

what happened to boys names? why is everyone called either David or Chris? do you go thru 'runs' of names too? or other bunches of similarities, sometimes they are all the same height, or same star sign (having a capricorn moment, atm)

multiple dating is the way to go

Wednesday night, met TheRussianScotsman at the Art Gallery. We viewed photographs then went to the Tilbury Hotel for a drink. We talked & it became incressingly obvious the vibe was friends. Clarity struck; there is nothing more to this, I thought. We stood apart as we said goodbye. No air kissing, no touching, just 'goodbye'. Sometimes, nothing needs to be said.

Friday was new date... drinks with a bloke from last Saturday night..MrChatty. We laughed right from the begining and I got my issue out faster than a rush to the bar for last drinks. It goes like this.. 'I'm not in a hurry & I get panicky about dating, I just want to know I can call you & it's not loaded with any intention, just want to call & hang out." He said he felt the same & we shook hands. Laughed a bit more & chinked our glasses.

I was off to Souths Juniors to see a bunch of 80's band that night & he was really keen to come along. No worries, he came , we laughed, danced, bought really cheap drinks & he is really nice. We just get on. there are a few 'on no's & i'll expand on these in the next few days currently I'm away in adelaide for a friend's birthday,

witchcraft

just quickly, to help me get over MrBalconyView, I 've put his business card in the freezer. This is an old witchy trick...I'm 'freezing him out'

I inherited the fridge from Liz, she had a business card in there from a collegue who tried to take over one of her projects. The collegue no longer works with her.

multiple dating

The party on Saturday was great. We all talked to lots of different people, didn't drink too much & ended up with possibly another friend/ date.

Oh, & MrBalconyView turned up. Between Tanya & I we extracted the money from him for the Countdown concert, shortly afterwards he was approached by one of those 'classic party blondes' not a Paris type, the 30+ version of, more like Simone Warne. 20 mins later they were pashing. nice work.

my new hobby is 'multiple dating': see if you don't do anything with a bloke on a date, then you have no guilt, therefore you can date others & see if one is better. That's my potted version of my new activity...I'll describe further...

Usually once I go on a date, I feel like I have to say 'no' to others, despite anything happening & despite if I really like the guy or not. Basically I can only concentrate on one bloke at a time. Why should I ? See I'm not sure about TheRussianScotsman, but he could get better over time & he is good fun. So I am interviewing him really, and I need other candidates for the vacancy of 'my boyfriend' as you should. It takes about 4 or 5 goes to get the right candidtate, like any job prospect. Instead of a psyche test, I'll grill him with questions about fidelity, commitment, private vs public schools, politics & mortgage rates. Interviews are conducted in bars & restuarants. Social skills are examined, conversation is noted & attraction secures the deal.

and besides they try harder to interest you because nothing has happenned. I used to be afraid of not showing my interest, but now it's all about being on a 'slow date' & seeing what sort of person they really are.

I don't have any other dates at this stage...but will not refuse one!