hard to describe

The whole evening was fun. I really enjoy his company, like staring at his face, clicking along with thoughts & stories & it's all really easy. The slight sexual undertones are a long forgotton addition to the event as well. Whether those undertones are just mine is still undecided.

over a cheap meal after the film we discussed his female friends. Some of whom he has dated briefly & some make moves on him every now & then. One particular chick is stunning. A perfect corporate barbie. Flowing blonde hair, perfect cheekbones, slender & loves a tight red dress. He dated her once & thought no. She makes moves on him sometimes & he has to put her back into place. I think she's the chick that boys want to date, but not in reality, as her appearance is time consuming. My comment was I like to think I can dive in the sea & not worry about my hair. she is the complete opposite. Grooming comes before joy.

I brought up his friend MrTASF and the text message saga of last week. He said he never discusses stuff like that with him, not unexpected, but was sympathetic to what I saw as his friend's unhappiness at life's outcomes. It was good to be honest & I liked his response.

The only other time I went out with Chris, almost 2 years ago, we sort-of kissed in the car after I drove him home. Considering we never went out again alone, I figured I would not repeat the same mistake. The traffic was bad near his house & it was decided he'd get out and walk...no biggy, as the night weather is glorious. I pulled the car in, turned to say goodbye & the lean-in from him was quite strong, so determindely, I went straight for the cheek. God those moments are so etched on your mind for days after. The small breaths taken between those actions are less than 3, yet are the only ones remembered all day. As he jumped out he smiled at me thru the open roof with such a soft penetrating gaze I just savoured it all in.

A few minutes after I got home, holding my phone & thinking of messages to text everyone, it went off. 'at home thanks for a good night' chris. oh, the small joy of that text.

I am not deluded. He's a great person. But is it timing ? is the feeling not reciprocated ? I don't know. But I do know I am his friend & he is good company. In the words of Madonna Esther Louise Ciccone Ritchie.. 'just let it be"

film in a few hours

just want to remember this moment. It's 2 hours before I meet Chris (mr balcony view) for a film. This is history making. In the last 2 years we have always been in groups, at parties, functions etc. never alone. That's right - never just us.

So preparations, Well Mystic has already blogged my date preps... will take my own advice!

Dating Advice From A Gemini
8/12/2006 10:33:49 PM
"lots of scrubbing of skin with salts in shower then , my fav, is sipping ice cold vodka mix while rubbing light scented oils onto skin after shower. rub oil all over arms & legs for glossy limb look.(pat dry with towel if too oily) ideally have swim in ocean morning of date. you will be a heady mixture of oils and ocean,with the grace of a gisele bunchen on catwalk, due to vodka confidence. if you drink white wine at date, put a few ice cubes in glass, it will stop you getting too drunk. The Gemini Fashionista."

All my friends have given great advice & are demaning a text update later tonight. It could be nothing, but I think it's something. I sense a fundamental shift.

Liz said " he gets three bites of the cherry" i.e. referring to the amounts of times I've had Chris it-should-happen moments. This is number three

Alison said "Don't confess, don't say anything you'll regret...be cool" wise advice as she knows my ability to blab inappropriately.

Lisa said 'my husband, when I confronted him at the beginning after a six month friendship, denied even liking me. He was soon jealous & changed his mind when I dated someone else."

Nicole said " go for it " with all her positivity and directness. No pfaffing about with Nicole.

The best was Tanya. She recalls a long conversation with Chris (mrBV) about cars. That you know exactly what you want from your next car, but not your next relationship. Could I play that game, 'if I was a car, was type of car would I be?"

chris is downstairs...

I'm upstairs in the office above the store. All day I've had meetings, long sales with customers & been a talking machine. The store manager calls me from downstairs. "chris is here to see you". I usually don't hesistate to help on the shop floor, particulary at this time of year, but who is 'chris'? it's a thursday afternoon. it's not chris/ mr balcony view?

IT BLOODY WELL WAS.

Standing in the store, looking all unshaven, healthy & relaxed. He has taken a week off from work, is enjoying himself & decided to visit. We stood around, talked life, concerts, parties, our friends, 80's music. 'I haven't seen you since the INXS concert' , 'you look well'..... he said. He's just lovely, so gentle, funny, told stories. I was trying not to over-think, not to expect, just enjoy. He is hopeless at initiating anything. So I asked if he's seen 'Casino Royale' 'oh, i've got all the books, but no, I haven't seen it yet' he doesnt say anything else. I know the next step is to suggest seeing it together...

we continue talking and then I did it.... I suggested we go & see the movie. he said bloody yes. It's momentous. we are both in a stand-off position, have been for years, I don't ask, he doesn't ask, we only see each other if our groups are co-alligned for some event. The tragedy is we were both at U2 the other week, both lined up for the same train home at midnight. I 've had enough of the coincidences. time for action.

So there we are making notes about seeing the film. 'I'm at a bbq, but would be good to leave at 5' 'okay i'll text you some time on sunday, the 6pm session? ' good, good.

a few moments after he left I was stuned. Luckily there is a pub across the road from the store...the hot humid afternoon called for corona's. We found his sunglasses on the counter, shortly after.

I called him...he said 'I was so excited to see the movie, I must have left my sunglasses behind'

will sleep well tonight.

texting rally continues

the last post was Friday afternoon. I was buggered & looked forward to a night on the couch, with episodes of West Wing & My Name is Earl, to watch. Friday is not my end of week, I work in the shop on Saturday & the markets on Sunday.

Was not to be. A new text arrived from MrType-A-SuperFit.
6:45pm "Well I never like playing reserve..so why don't you text me to see what happens?"

6:50pm " I'm texting. what happens now? I know how you get to be my star player, play by the rules"

7:13pm "I will text you later..you should come around to my place later..what rules do you want to play by..."

then the phone rang. He suggested dinner. Now I haven't seen him in 6 months, so actually meeting was going to be more productive.

He is a massive guy. Very muscular, tall, glasses, classic Type A. Very Fit, Bright, has 16 letters after his name on his business card. No dummy. But emotionally damaged. And very drunk.

His presense was very powerful, he was full of compliments, kept wanting to hold hands, spoke of how he thought of me constantly, but, in his words, was not boyfriend material but was up 'for fun'. I pushed back, didn't bite, and physically pushed him away. Being drunk he wasnt' aggresive, more playful.

He started telling me how much he admired me, respected me & my business. Told me how hard it must be...and it just hit me at once, I started crying. Not sobs but stress tears, watery eyes, hot tension leaving me. He put his hand on mine & it felt wrong. There are times when you cannot be touched by someone when you are crying and especially if you know the person is more manipulative. I didnt' want him to take advantage as by then I knew it would go no further.

The restuarant was emptying so we left for the pub across the road. Standing outside he asked for a hug and just sensed he was wounded in some way. He wasn't dangerous just misguided. He tried to pash me, but I pushed him away. It was time to go & I drove off home.

The next day, while at work, was the moring text

11;22am " Remember I am on the reserve bench..If you want we can be good for each other with the occasional...it is up to you...one think you need to be clear on though is I am not boy friend material..I am to much of a mess @ the moment" (yes, he has a blackberry, hence the long text)

reply: 'oh well, I'll just leave it"

I called shortly after as the whole 'mess' thing was weird. Why was he such a mess? work was good for him, he said. So I asked after his recent divorce. He was separated living with his sister when I meet him 6 months ago, what had happened since?

I asked" have you signed the papers yet? it is actually official?"

he signed them on Thursday.

midnight text rally

being the culture animal that I am, just got back from the theatre last night (moliere is over-rated) to find a text message from MrTASF. Another booty call text; demanding I go to him & satisfy his needs. As if...in the words of Cher Horowitz. Haven't seen the sod since May. What urges have come over him, I dont' know. My fabulosity is obviously slow to digest.

Was indignant at his suggestiveness, and each request came with the coda 'just for fun' or 'it will not go futher than the physical'. My responses were 'not interested', 'texting is lame' & 'not budging'. I switched my phone to silent and watched him call 3 times. Called him soon after that as sick of the text rally & couldn't go to sleep. Imaging he was home drunk, it turned out he was in the city. He tried his invitation out again: I just told him how offended I was with the first text message the other week. He did understand and apologised. The phone call ended soon after.

This morning's text was 'cat - you handled that very well last night....Although it would have been good fun if I had got my way...Anyway apologies for being so forward..TASF.

reply: 'apology accepted. I'm prepared to wait 4 the right bloke. Its more than sex. You understand. cat x'

'cat - you have the right approach but occassionally you can give yourself a break..After all @ the end of the day we are all human & I know iit is a great way to releave stress...TASF'

reply: you can be on the reserve bench then. however you might want to be some one else's star player'

And I told him the first message was shown to all my friends & I posted it on my blog...which is the first time he's heard of it.. I think he didn't quite catch what I was saying, cos I said it quickly. An enjoyable sneaky moment.

it was easy to flick off these messasges. So not interested in the pure physical. My challenge is to wait & find, then enjoy the right person.

head, not heart

Got last minute tickets to see Kylie Minogue. Meet at the Entertainment Centre only to realise it was out at Homebush (20kms away), our free tickets were 3 rows from the back, but the concert was good. Kylie has just recovered from breast cancer & this show is the comeback from the earlier cancelled ones. The gay audience was beside themselves over the beefcake dancers in psuedo bondage. The costumes were fab, all Dolce Gabbana & Galliano. Without going into a review, I enjoyed it immensly

As she sang 'Put your hand on your heart' (and tell me) I thought of all the boys and dates of this year. All of them are just in my head, not my heart. No-one is in my heart. Which means I am clear to find someone to fill it.

It also helps that Jupiter is in Sagittarius now.... good news for Gemini's...this is what MysticMedusa wrote as the influences for this year...

GEMINI – Love! A significant relationship! Sensational biz partner

I am wishing..!

pleased with myself

after last week's 1:30am booty call from MrTypeA-SuperFit, which I choose to ignore, I thought of the perfect response.

Exactly one week, at 1:30 exactly from that inconveniently timed text message (I was asleep!) I sent a response.

"Hi TASF, how's your love life? text messages are not my thing. Doing lots of flirting. TV show is on next year. Will definately let you know. sleep well. cat"

no response so far, but it feels good.

girls, girls, girls

I'm surrounded by women. I'm so lucky to have so many great women friends, and sometimes it takes weeks to catch-up with all of them. I often wonder if I should be a lesbian... I have better luck meeting great women. Damn, I prefer men, the allusive the better.

the other week I meet Laurel, who has a blog on online communities, we talked for hours over cheap glasses of wine (at the art gallery members bar - got to join!) about web, internet, astrology, sydney etc.

Tanya is another great new friend whose emails have me in stitches. She's a wise women on men, and still baffled by them. Drinks with her & 3 other female friends on Saturday. All of them are single & all beautiful and normal. (Hi Liz !, Hi Mand !)

Tonight is a catch-up with 3 ex work colleagues, all chicks, all fun. (hi sons! hi di! hi kate!)

finally tomorrow is 1st drinks with MrFitManly, who i'll call the Mr PhotoKisserforA Bottle of Wine..oh, bit long, MrFM is easier. We meet 2 weeks ago, or was that 3 weeks? any way not terribly excited about meeting him.. Apart from the night we met, I emailed him when the photo's came out in the email & he suggested drinks. Heard nothing since & just cant' get enthused about the date. I need a build-up, bit more tension or flirtation & not feeling it currently.

I just need a boyfriend who either stays at home or goes out a lot, then I can continue to catch-up with my friends & meet more cool chicks.

photo dogs

in this age of digital cameras we no longer have bad photos.

I don't have an issue about getting older or older looking. The idea that my most attractive years were as a teenager or early 20's was recently dispelled by a shoe box full of 'photo dogs'.

Since I moved into a proper home earlier this year all my belonging are boomeranging to me. Boxes of Beta tapes, old shoes, single bed sheets & boxes of photos. And in the photo boxes is evidence my youth was not all shiny hair & perfect skin. Apart from a photo of me in shorts when I was 12, you will never ever see my legs again. My hair has been thru many colours, sometimes two at once - red with brown re-growth. Smoking & looking annoyed at the camera was a favourite pose & anything un-posed doesn't work - a half -motion shot is not artistic or interesting.

All these photos would have been deleted, or lost on a lap-top somewhere. But I have the printed evidence, the photo dogs of my youth.

late night surprise

I got my first booty call sunday morning. I'd just hit the pillow after the U2 concert when the text came thru. Thinking it may be my concert going friend, I looked at the message. With sudden clarity I started to read it.

"Special Agent Cat. How is the flirting going - have you graduated to an advanced stage - I am in your area if you are out & want to catch up for fun...MR TASF"

it was MrTypeA-SuperFit, last heard of in May this year (6 months ago!)
So he was 'in my area' ... like some special offer Mr Whippy Van ?

How to re-act? I didn't want to start a texting rally, there was only 5 more hours of sleep before the alarm, so I ignored it.

When I showed my friends the next day, ignoring him was the agreed and only reaction, as we are all completely disinterested in any texting as a form of dating/ flirting/ getting together.
We are over texts. Too easily sent, too easily dismissed & eventually expensive once you start to volley back your answers. Humour, subtlely, nuances, all these are lost in the race to text. Now I'm up against blackberry holders, whose speed surpases my standard nokia double thumbing.

last week I recieved two cards in the mail, one a thank you letter from Alison for her birthday present & the other from Liz, a funny card & a spontaneous friendship message. Both were beautifully personal, funny, and unambiguous in their message. They now sit on my dresser & will remind me over the next few weeks of their lovely messages.

you can't pin a text message to your fridge. there is no joy in texting.

Further proof came from Sally, who is over texts from a potential. She put a card on his car & received a 'live' phone call as a result. He was impressed enough to call.

We love phone calls. There is no waiting, it's easy to respond & you can make plans in a fraction of a time.

So the campaign has started. Text dating is out. Phone call & letters are in. I'm re-setting the boundaries for relationships. If you can't call, don't bother. make the effort

eyeballing his 'one'

one guy, who a few of us have dated, has recently found his perfect match, his - 'the one'. We're all intrigued to see this version of woman-hood that has him visting her elderly relatives and considering all those next steps you have in a serious relationship.

all those conversations we've had about what he may be looking for, what we were to him in comparison to what he eventually went for...it's all really interesting.

he's also one of those guys who has a completely seperate life. you never met any of his friends, only his other female friends, this was verified by his other ex-girlfriends. Some of us stayed friends with him with the off-chance you might meet some of his male friends, but never did. He kept his male friends strickly seperate. Purely self motivated reasons on his part. We all got sick of his solo company & stopped inviting him to much.

Could we see what appeals to him in her? let me put it this way, If he's a lampost, she's the lampshade. He's a brick & she's a sponge. He's mr sporty & she's a painted princess... they look perfect together.

one toxic bachelor has changed his spots... who will be next?

past it

some weekend activities are just not good for me.

* drinking too much champagne (really it's australian sparking wine - how I hate that term!)
* thinking I can stand upright & dance
* falling off dancefloors into the crowd
* smoking methols
* going to nightclubs and doing any of the above continuously
* arguing with the door bitch
* driving home while under the influence
* recovery the next day included lots of miso soup, cups of tea & strangley an opera on the ABC arts program...I just couldn't stand ads, the noise was too much
* and the much needed dash to the bathroom to park my tiger

all the next day I kept having flash backs on my behaivour, so kept uttering two words, 'bum!' and 'fu*k!"

I won't say, never again, but a quiet life in the suburbs with dogs & home duties is just looking so appealling... this city single life is exhausting & in my case, all too repetitive.

recently single vs long term single

The chick in the coffee shop across the road, Simone, is newly single, 1 week to be exact. After 7 years with her live-in boyfriend they called it quits. She's 35, he's 29.

I was telling her how I've been single for 2 years now, dating consisitently, doing parties, the tv show etc & now, this morning, the kissing email photos arrived....It just can't get anymore out-there than a photo of the party pash in a morning email.

Simone agreed, it's about trying new things, even walking a different way to work. This morning, she went down a different street, spied a cute boy, eyed him up, as he did to her & then walked her down the street organising a date for Saturday night. Some people are never single for long & she's one of them.

For long-term singles, we are used to being alone & can manage it well. We won't give up our sense of order & comfort for the sake of having a boyfriend. Also it has to be right, not perfect, but genuine & powerful. I think I give off the vibe of being happily single too, whereas Simone as representative of the newly-single & not-for-long group, has an electric vibe. The energy of the break-up, her determination to sort out her life & her candor of the recent events makes her attractive.

Another friend, Holly, is recently divorced after 18 years. She's 43, extremely attractive in a friendly way & so lovely. Her dating life has us in both stitches & admiration. Men fight to talk to her in bars, jump into cabs to get her number & she often has 3 on the go. She's writing a book about newly single life at 43 & how much fun dating is.

so there are two things to emulate when looking for someone, firstly - not looking. The classic case of not being aware or paying attention; this covers not trying to hard or looking desperate. Secondly - the just-broken-up energy, looking free & happy to be social, strutting down the street, life is good attitude.

image added

the photo is me kissing MrSuperFitManly at the singles party. it's the lead photo on the company email that came thru this morning. There's also photos of the four of us, me, Di, and the two Manly guys,...but I won't post that without Di's permission.

I forwarded it to MrSFM, and he wants to catch-up next week....

here goes...!

crushes

I have a habit of developing crushes. Prehaps I like the exquisite torture of this activity as opposed to the solid real-time events of an actual relationship; as I get older & crushes are more common to me than relationships, so I suspect I prefer torture.

just a potted history of these debilatating crushes before I promulagate my anti-crush methods. of course, in the teenage years there was the boy on the bus, then the guy at the train station, then at uni umpteen guys who were gay after all, then the last two, great friends, very available, but not to me, aquarian males, both of which lasted over 2 years & both in my 30's. Crushes are clearly not ageist.

some people have a problem with married men, I have a problem with crushes. Fortunately or not with unmarried, single males...who are technically available, so I got some cred there.

One very simple way for breaking the crush is to actually talk to them. The squeaky tones of their dull voice is often a sure fire way of quenching the desire flames. Didnt' we all giggle with relief when hearing Beckman speak? oh, Posh can have him, we thought, no sexy phones call there...text messaging is his limit.

A second simple method is once you talk to them, just gently steer conversation into sexual preferences or those that indicate his more precisely...eg' going to the kylie minogue concert?" or 'had any waxing done recently?" here we learn whether to continue having a crush on a gay man, or potential gay, or man who leads gay life but is not gay (you'll spend your life defending his sexuality, a bit like Lisa Marie Presley & Micheal Jackson, we all wanted to know if the marriage was consumated)

Once you can converse without hyperventilating, have established lack of wife or live-in partner, you generally start to think of IT being possible. Us women do that, you like them, you get on, you are attracted....boom. it should turn into something. It gets worse when he is happy to email you, ask you home decorating questions, he starts confessing that he'd like a girlfriend (pick me!) & you start reciting lines from 'When Harry met Sally' in your mind, particulary how men and women can't really be friends, because sex gets in the way. You think, eventually he'll crack, he'll wake up one day & ta-da! he picks up on your heavy chemical scent & throws some pheremones your way.

This is where mine go hay-wire. When he emails you first thing in the morning, confessing his love of ... someone else. he's so happy to tell you & wants your female advice on maximising the experience. While vomiting into the coffee cup, you tap back your positive answer. Then become unavaialble.

the second type of hay-wire is a chemically loaded crush with a stop/start man. It's all there, conversation, attraction, flirting signals, small touches, maybe even a proper date, but then a big nothing. Life keeps putting you in his path, friends are encouraging, he seems encouraged, you try all your flirting skills, and yet nothing happens. He's the type of crush that walks in to a room walks straight to you, happy greetings are exchange & 20 mins later he is pashing someone else. That I don't understand !

okay, so I've developed some methods for assiting you in the throws of these heavy crushes... tune in tomorrow...would love to hear your ideas too! so please leave some comments on what you do..! !

singles party

it's just really vile, the things you have to do.

thursday night: a swish bar on the harbour, and everyone was 30+ and single. First relief - most people were way over 30. First nightmare - the 'question & answer' game we had to play in order to mingle was so sexually loaded, it was embarrassing.

Straight to the bar, downed a few G&T's . Got out the game cards & just went along with it. It was suddenly easy to move from one bloke to another, have a chat, ask a few questions & move around. I was with Di, who is a good talker. I ask the silly questions & she gets straight to the important ones, like where do you live & what do you do. It was mostly women moving & doing the game. The men stood around. not sure what that is.

Once you found your 'answer' card, you went in the draw for a dvd prize. After an hour, I couldn't find my answer, so I swapped cards. We were talking to two lovely guys from Manly (a beachside suburb) at the time & my new card matched one of them. He is super fit, super sucessful & another bloody capricorn. (the third this year!) Now you may think, I'm up to my old tricks, asking about star signs, but he asked me first, seriously! He actually asked if I could guess his star sign...now, my friends know this, but it's one of my party tricks. If I can guess your star sign, you get to kiss my friend....meanwhile, I get out the phone camera & take a picture! strangely they let me guess many times & everyone gets a pash, so it's a fun game. So Mr SuperFitManly asks me if can guess him. After 3 goes I did. He then recited the famous people born on his day (Jan 9th, elvis presley is one), whereas I have Donald Trump & Boy George (june 14th)

Capricorns are funny, they love to reel off their acheivements to you... how many books, businesses, overseas trips, deals, network moments.

We then dicussed astrologers, shamens etc, as you do. I said I've been asking the universe for a partner. I also wanted to win one of the DVDs of 'the break-up' so I laughed & said 'universe i want to win a dvd'. We then walked to the counter with our matching Q&A's. I told the girl I finally matched with someone after an hour, she gave me a strangely sympathetic look & just nodded to her side-kick as they passed me a dvd & said,' take this & don't tell anyone'. the universe was listening! am totally inspired to keep asking & maybe ask for a bit more than just a dvd.

next weird game bit. Anyone who booked via the internet recieved a SMS. 'hi cat, find your Y and kiss him at the match table to WIN a bottle of X&Y wine. First 3 couples to do the dare win!" I showed it to MrSuperFitManly & he said, let's do it. As a secretly competitive person, who is also a lush, I thought it an excellent idea. We rushed first to the table & (I can't believe this ) pashed for a bottle of wine, while they took photos. ... i must go and check their web site...dear me.

So I left with a dvd, bottle of wine, his business card & a desire to ask the universe for more things.

the spark

just got word, that Mr Sparkly is waiting to meet someone he sparks with... he didn't get it with me...and he's too busy right now as well..

wow...I know so many men...in the 39 - 44 age bracket who are 'still waiting' , waiting for the spark. But I do agree with them, I'm doing that too. Some of my wish list is not negotiable, there has to be passion & connection, without that there is no basis. It's not an overwhelming passion, but something you clearly feel without effort. I am negotiable on other aspects, amount of body fat, height & music taste, for example, and can even take on other political persuasions as well...but not far right/ christian...there are some limits!

Thursday is the singles party, Saturday is a great friends 40th... I am 'out-there' meeting & greeting... I am busy but not too busy, especially if the person is right.

ambush

a former flat mate, Chantal, has become my yenta: more a fairy-matchmaker. She sucessfully found a boyfriend via dinner speed dating & a year later she's on my war path, in a nice way.

last sunday was a BBQ at Bondi, hosted by a male friend of hers, who, she thinks, would be ideal for me. Two emails & two text messages of reminders from her to make me visit, but time constrictions stopped me. I had a dinner with the astrologer on the other side of the city, that night.

Chantal found his profile on RSVP and emailed to me, which I read & did like too (cultured, sporty, educated & same background) so decieded it would be a good thing to meet him. The plan was to have lunch at his health food cafe & see if we click, which we did today.

I have never felt nervous about something like that...walking into a cafe, having lunch & casually meeting the owner. I felt obvious & didnt' want to accidentally mentioned something which indicated I had read his profile on RSVP, you know the foot-in-mouth thing where you say something which means you know more than you are letting on?

it was also about getting my hopes up. my hopes are a bit sick of being used again like this.

So he sits down with us (yes, I had just shoved bunches of baby spinach in my face) & he was just cute. lovely sparkly eyes, smart, interesting, and he spent about 20 mins with us.. I started blabbing about the astro dinner, because that's why I couldn't make his BBQ, then realised I sounded like a loony....luckily he said lots of his staff are equally loony, if not more so...

Chantal was giving it a big push too. She mentioned how I live with my brother, my business, and ended with 'cat you should give him your business card".(just because! no other reason! ) When we all stood up, I tried to angle my body towards his (as SuperFlirt advises) with no defensive arm postures. But, you know when you like the look of someone straight away? it was like that. ...

MrSparkly he shall be called henceforth.

I'm such a gullible, fatalistic romantic...it will just kill me to start an obsession. I'll just write about it & hope that's enough.

something's changed

I went out with MrChatty the other night. I suddenly became all bossy & told him what to eat, when to re-fill my glass & just blabbed on, having my own good time. Basically I 've lost interest. I'm tired when I look at him, not enthused.

I've had enough of dating!

All this time trying to be polite and interesting showing my wily femine ways. I just want IT to be there. An interest, an attraction, a pulse!

the new justin timberlake song - 'sexyback' has got to me, I want the strong beat, not the soft melodies.

As my fav astrologer is saying, the times are very scorpionic, depth charging, deepness, lots of passion. (see mysticmedusa & astrobarry) for the remainder of the year, Mercury (planet of communication) and other planets are in Scorpio. A planet that doesn't shy away from emotions. Give me some of that.

Next thursday Di & I are taking a chance, we're going to a big singles party - Scary! then we can tick that off the to-do-list & make a story of it .

survey stat

from marie claire US.

2% of men want you to pay on a first date.

information is power, ladies!

MrChatty - update

when I'm asked about MrChatty, I just say he's making no effort. Since the attraction was precarious anyway, I've just crossed him off my list.

He called the other night & I missed the phone. No compucture to call back. I was elbow deep in cooking & cleaning. Much more fun!. he called a second time, again I missed it, by accident.

This is what has changed in me. I would normally call back. I'm nice, I call back, even if I don't like them. Rudeness is a sin I can't handle, so I act like I want to be treated. This time I didn't. partly because I was finding him boring. He just talked about his job offers & that's no fun.

The Third call that night I caught. He had just bought an apartment and wanted to tell me. Nice kicked in & I made congratulatory noises.

another week goes by, he calls to have lunch.

We had lunch, I was rude, well dissinterested.

Another 10 days goes by. He calls for drinks. I just had enough. I dont want to lead anyone on, but he seems to think he can talk about work & ask me out. Rather stay at home, thank you.

So I stopped being nice & decided to confront. I was honest with him. "I don't really see this as anything, the momentum has gone & you're not making an effort. Seeing you every 7 to 10 days is nothing, and even though I said I wanted to take things slow, I didn't mean lunch or coffee every fortnight" I calmly blurted.

He said I was right & that I had patience & he was so busy getting a job he was purposely not seeing me that often.

I responded "I dont have patience, it's just I would have happily dated someone else just you're lucky I havent' been asked out recently. I honestly thought after lunch, 10 days ago, you'd never call again. And I know you are looking for work & think money may be tight, but it's not money - it's effort & thought."

No attention, means no interest.

So tomorrow night we are gonig out for drinks/ dinner. I am looking forward to seeing him, as he's an interesting person, but I've changed. No longer 'patient' or dissinterested, I'll expect his effort & respond happily in return. Effort is rewarded with enthusiasm.

Vibes & Intuition

Being the psuedo-flake that I want to be, I've been following Sonia Choquette, an american intuitive psychic. She emphasis listening to your 'vibes' and trusting them. You access these vibes by watching your body's signals, following hunches & gut reactions. looking for inner wisdom & guidance.

So I've been meditating (often at 4am when i can't sleep) and seeing if I do know what to do about my feelings for MrBv.

He's a pendulum, my vibes said, like in a grandfather clock, moving back & forward. My feelings for him swing from positive to negative. I'm trapped in that movement. I respect this is my doing & Only I can change the cycle of this unsatisfying movement.

That night I dreamt of being in a game, similar to musical chairs, except just places were being shuffled around, not removed. There was a logic & reason to the pattern, but that answer belonged to the universe & everything would fall into place shortly & be fine.

so I deceided to stop worrying, let the universe take over & just accept it's a game.

Sending the email bomb was great. I have absolutely no regrets about that & it was a truthful email, done in my classic light-hearted way. his text response confirmed it was fine, but didn't evoke any immediate need to further discuss, share thoughts over a drink or two, for example. I just got the text message. no more.

80/ 20 rule

Mr BalconyView's business card has moved a few times. From the freezer to my wish box, to my plastic box of business cards at work. I think it will stay there now.

A few weeks ago MrBv was sick & he actually wrote more than 3 sentences in an email...using his blackberry from his harbourview bedroom.

Mr Chatty was being boring & not making any effort to do anything, so I was feeling peeved. I felt there was no attraction & was taking the mental steps of pushing him to the back of my mind's extistence.

I just let rip to MrBV. A 3 para diatribe about wanting to find someone but didn't know how. I was sick of being a cheerleader and considered becoming demanding and flaky. Prehaps being nice is good for charity but not for love & satisfying relationships, I wrote.

I've noticed an increasing need for D&M style conversations; superficialilty is passe. Intensity is building. No longer afraid of depth charging questions to others. MrBalconyView (the crush is back on) emailed 'how are you?" I replied with my frustrations about finding love - a response to his question back in march (how do you know when you've meet the one?) then, knowing I had created an 'email bomb' I decieded to leave him alone (aquarians hate to be ignored) 7 days later I get a sweet text 'thinking of you & how are you'. my blast was accepted !

it's the 80/20 rule....80% of your efforts may be in vain, but there is a 20% chance it will work....this logic applies to any mad endeavours.

I am looking forward to the remainder of the year. Bring on the intensity, the crazy dreams & the love

overdue update

I've been on a quest. To find If I need to do this Blog. it takes 30 - 50 minutes a day writing, editing & re-organising.

Blogs are passe already (to the early adopters) & I've only just discovered them. Yet, it's a new version of an old habit as I've kept a diary for years. It's also sporadic, so nothing new there! but still it exists.

this is where the on-line diary differs.

I see my decisions change on a daily/ weekly basis & know if I'm fickle, mean, silly, or wise: or human.

sometimes the immediate events are solid & justifiable, rational. whereas after a friday night at home, watching oprah's 20th anniversary DVD, a box of tissues & half a bottle of red wine later, I'm either sad or angry or or completely okay about my life.

I fluctuate & I'm exposing that mostly to myself, but to any of you lot
who choose to read this & comment....with fantastic responses too! (thank you!)

50% is it enough?

a great friend commented on this blog, she said "Its been a while since I read your blog… Had to laugh – you talk about Mr Chatty being incorrect starsign, age, body shape… then a few blogs below comes the fengshui with the wrong coloured flowers story! And the comment that maybe 50% is ok – as long as it’s the right 50% I guess?"

it's a pass/fail situation. I do need more than 50% to be interested. This is where I get all confused. I'm trying not to 'jump the shark' too much...make decisions about someone before I really know them. Yes, age & maturity have taught me something, but experience tells, to know someone deeply is to spend time & not rush.

One great fear is to settle on someone, only for your true heart's desire to come along later & you are trapped in a half-relationship. Some friends are really disciplined at waiting for the right one. No half-baked dates, no maybe's, no he might be's, just it's there or it isn't. That may take years to happen, years of no dates, no dilema's, no mistakes! just one perfect meeting & boom! the one is the one.

I like my mistakes, my practices, my attempts. I really feel I've tried everything on the smorgasbord, even the stuff I don't like. It makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere and have some stories to tell as I progress on this road-trip of love. The longest road trip of my life!

Back to settling. In that great novel, P&P, Elizabeth's friend Charlotte Lucas settles for the dim-wit cousin, Mr Collins. She is getting-on (27) , knows his faults, but can see he's marriageble & can take care of her. Will I get the D'arcy or the Mr Collins? I fear the Mr Collins approach, and as I start to speed towards 40, will mistakenly take care & comfort over deep understanding & love.

Think I'll revist the vase, see what colours I need & what type of vase to use. I want to improve my odds.

the freezer is working

A while ago I put my former crush's (mr BalconyView) business card in the freezer. He had a strange hold over me & I couldn't shake the attachement I felt. There's a little part of me that gets obsessed, irrationally so. All it takes is a small amount of attention from him & I am overwhelmed. It's really dangerous to be like that: an out of control crush. You just torture yourself & no-one else can replace him in your mind.

Last night was the Countdown concert. MrBalconyView came in our group of 6. MrChatty, my current dating sucess, is away & would have come. Time to test the attraction. Could I think rationally? You know I want to be his friend, because he is fun & when I first saw him approach, I thought 'yep, there is nothing there but his friendship & that's worthwhile'. The relief was there, I could enjoy his company, his silly remarks, look at him & not go any further.

As Psuedo Echo started playing 'Funkytown' I called MrChatty. It was the song we both danced and laughed to on our first date at Souths Juniors Club. I knew who I wanted to be with, Mr Chatty.

at home with mr chatty

it's really dull to post about dates that go well. Mr Chatty is fun, affectionate & has a super laugh. I am taking it real slow with him & that's taking the panic out of it all.

He's gone home to Perth for a few days (that's another repetition, boys from Perth, WA) so I invited him over for dinner last night. This is huge for me, to cook dinner & make a fuss, but I did it for a reason.

Last week I had dinner with Liz's mum, an old-fashioned-cooked-everything-from-stratch-shoeless-cooking mum. In between all her stories about when Liz was young, she said the best way to entice a man was to show him your homemaking skills. Cooking , looking after guests, old fashioned hospitality talents. As we sat there agog at the quiches, fresh cooked vegetables & other home made treats we all pined for fridges full of food, kitchens surrounded by friends all being well fed & I kinda thought, yes, she's right. It's what's missing. The martha-stewart/ nigella lawson touch (without the cameras)

so I cooked. I had pate & humous to start, a meat & two veg meal with salad. We lay on the couches (I dont' have a dining table...a now crucial homemakers missing element) and we slowly unwound, talked about the plight of aborigines, sydney real estate & 80's music. He helped tidy up too.

i'm on a mission to get married, so I'll have dates in my kitchen. maybe this is the way?

catalyst tv show airing

the episode is now scheduled for next year, according to one of the hosts.

just want it over & done with!

Date No4 Mr Chatty

Wednesday this week was date no.4. Originally he was going to cook. Another big tick, I can only cook 6 things so cooking skills are high on my desirable list...and I dont' mean just on the BBQ, a great aussie male tradition, I mean highly evolved skills involving a few co-ordinated pots and pans.

Mr Chatty was late from work & we'd eat out instead. His favourite restuarant, Phamish (in darlinghurst) is packed. I was concerned about fainting from hunger while we waited, but no, Mr Chatty is such a regular, one phone call & a so-called no-reservations restaurant will hold a table for him. My interest in him increases!

As you, my reader know, I've been going on many dates this year. I can talk all night, gather vitual information on religion, politics & private schooling vs public. Some things you don't see for ages....like their interest in dogs, babies & decorating a home.

Sitting next to our express service table was a couple with a very young baby & outside was a herd of dogs, with their take-away-waiting owners. Firstly he points out the dogs and discusses his favourite breeds, then starts a conversation with the baby's parents, sympathises with the crying child & how hard it must be. My head rolled from side to side as I followed this converstaion. A man who talks to babies.

I know it's me...being able to say what I want in life, but the openess with which Mr Chatty discusses homes, dogs, children, business, music is just so refreshing. He is so from the 'wrong age group/ starsign/ body shape' that I would normally select on a dating website. (he is 7 years younger) In fact almost everyone who 'fits' my 'desired profile' is totally boring! life ! always showing me it knows better!

email goodbyes

I took my lap-top (the heaviest in the world) away to Cairns. It was a good distraction but was painful to be on dial-up.

I recieved an email from TheRussianScotsman....here's the intro...

"I wanted to say ‘Hi’ and to apologise for not being in touch. I guess been a wee bit ungentlemanly by not calling so I hope you’ll forgive me for that. I had thought we got on really well at the start but .. .. .. .. well .. .. .. .."

Can you guess? without saying it , he was saying it was over. Quelle relief on my part. So I emailed back

"Yes we did get on well to start with, but like you, maybe the vibe is a bit more friends than anything else? so no need to apologise. You're great company though & would like to stay in touch.

the hammock is calling, talk to you soon."

never heard from him since. Emails can be a good way of saying goodbye.

PeachBlossom Love Magic

Mystic Medusa told me about this FengShui love flower trick. She said to google it & get free advice, but I ended up paying $USD6 for an eBook on the topic. Once I hear about something superstitious like this I have to do it !

So basically, you put a bunch of flowers in the right place in your house, either lounge or bedroom. simple, but this is where I get anxious & have to do it right. You have to have the right direction, according to your chinese sign, either N, E, S or West. Then place in right coloured vase & the right material vase with right coloured flowers and right number of flowers. And change the water every day. bugger that

The nicest cheapest flowers were $4 (cos I'm broke) , so bought them (wrong colour), put them in the best vase for their size & height (still wrong colour & material) and put them the right position& direction. Maybe 50% is okay?

anyway, Date with MrChatty no3 is tomorrow.

MrChatty Date #2

He was away & I was away, so finally last Friday we meet for dinner. He offered to pick me up....I was ready to jump in and say' oh, no don't worry, I'll meet you there.." but I realise I like being picked up. You dont' have to occupy yourself while waiting...checking phones, reading the menu,...it actually starts when he arrives & you're ready.

He choose a new tapas style restaurant & we sat, drank & laughed. I could list some of the topics we talked about, but it was the usual stuff, family, past relationships, work cv, etc, but it's the other things that happened that made me laugh.

In the SuperFlirt book, it says to look for clusters of flirtatious physical signs. Playing with the tie, hands on hips with fingers pointing to the zipper, flared nostrils...but the one sign that I thought was odd & not very flirtatious to witness is 'pulling up & playing with socks' , it's a long way down to the sock area for one & what brain biology is a man using when socks are suggestive ? But there he was, tugging and pulling his socks right at me, all night.

I like this one. He's a good egg. He's coming to the INXS concert too. We have the same daggy taste, ELO, Fleetwood Mac & other 70's bands, plus he loves Duran Duran..! my favourites.

Another reason why I like him... am super broke at the moment, so was worried about paying etc. I love it when the card comes out & everything is taken care of.... the way to my heart is both via my stomach, my liver & my wallet

The 4th Room

Holidays are the worst for being single. I've been away on my own before & not scared of sitting in a restaurant by myself. Going away for work is not a concern, but having a holiday doesn't exist. Most of my single friends hardly take holidays....there is no-one to go with & you dont' take them just to be alone. We get enough of that. I am adventurous & will organise beach house holidays...but the inflatable bed on my last holiday summed up everything.

Recently went to Cairns, FNQ , specifically Clifton Beach for Mum's significant birthday. Along came my sister, her husband & the 10month old; then my brother & his girlfriend, plus Mum & Dad. The four bedroom house was selected via friends & we all jet-stared to Cairns. On arrival, Mum gave me a big hug & showed me the '4th room', my bedroom for the holiday. It was empty bar a desk & chair. It was also next to the TV room & the 'water feature' sculpture was outside the window. yes, the crucial element, a bed was missing. Upstairs everyone had lovely rooms with ensuites & plush beds.

Went to K-mart (such a great place to start a holiday) & bought a blow-up bed. Later at home, the pump didnt' work. First night was spent on the couch. Second night I couldnt' find the switch to the water feature, went out at 3am to find it & set off all the outside lights. Went back to bed & tried not to hear the water pump noise, now more dominant over the trickling soothing water noises.

Apart from the '4th bed' there were feeling of being the 'third wheel'. If I wanted to go anywhere, I had to join up with my brother or sister; sit in the back seat & see the sites.

By the last day I was so tired. The inflatable was not pumped enough, the water feature was now off ( i read the owner's instructions to find the switch) & I woke every morning to the sound to someone watching tv or banging plates in the kitchen. The last day was hammock duty & I slept in the peaceful house while everyone took cars & babies to sight-see. I had my holiday, once I got rid of everyone.

away

I've been away from home for the last two weekends so everything is on hold. no current dates, no contact. I've thought about MrChatty, who I meet the other Friday. He is super easy to get on with, is 32 & a Capricorn, and his real name is either David or Chris, which is why I have to give them nicknames as all recent dates have either of these names.

My interest goes as far as looking forward to catching up again, which is a good start. Trying not to become too obsessed or thinking too much or plan too much. This is my downfall as I dont' see past my own vision of where the relationship should go & judge if he's suitable & good-for-me first....real obvious stuff. I am playing the voice of my mediatation teacher (also a Chris)...just to 'let it go, dont' try & relax'.... 'not trying' is the worst. The slightly competitive-must-do-something-to-keep-it-moving part of me is too dominant. Chasing is the part I need to let them do. It's their job. Primative but true.

davids & chris

what happened to boys names? why is everyone called either David or Chris? do you go thru 'runs' of names too? or other bunches of similarities, sometimes they are all the same height, or same star sign (having a capricorn moment, atm)

multiple dating is the way to go

Wednesday night, met TheRussianScotsman at the Art Gallery. We viewed photographs then went to the Tilbury Hotel for a drink. We talked & it became incressingly obvious the vibe was friends. Clarity struck; there is nothing more to this, I thought. We stood apart as we said goodbye. No air kissing, no touching, just 'goodbye'. Sometimes, nothing needs to be said.

Friday was new date... drinks with a bloke from last Saturday night..MrChatty. We laughed right from the begining and I got my issue out faster than a rush to the bar for last drinks. It goes like this.. 'I'm not in a hurry & I get panicky about dating, I just want to know I can call you & it's not loaded with any intention, just want to call & hang out." He said he felt the same & we shook hands. Laughed a bit more & chinked our glasses.

I was off to Souths Juniors to see a bunch of 80's band that night & he was really keen to come along. No worries, he came , we laughed, danced, bought really cheap drinks & he is really nice. We just get on. there are a few 'on no's & i'll expand on these in the next few days currently I'm away in adelaide for a friend's birthday,

witchcraft

just quickly, to help me get over MrBalconyView, I 've put his business card in the freezer. This is an old witchy trick...I'm 'freezing him out'

I inherited the fridge from Liz, she had a business card in there from a collegue who tried to take over one of her projects. The collegue no longer works with her.

multiple dating

The party on Saturday was great. We all talked to lots of different people, didn't drink too much & ended up with possibly another friend/ date.

Oh, & MrBalconyView turned up. Between Tanya & I we extracted the money from him for the Countdown concert, shortly afterwards he was approached by one of those 'classic party blondes' not a Paris type, the 30+ version of, more like Simone Warne. 20 mins later they were pashing. nice work.

my new hobby is 'multiple dating': see if you don't do anything with a bloke on a date, then you have no guilt, therefore you can date others & see if one is better. That's my potted version of my new activity...I'll describe further...

Usually once I go on a date, I feel like I have to say 'no' to others, despite anything happening & despite if I really like the guy or not. Basically I can only concentrate on one bloke at a time. Why should I ? See I'm not sure about TheRussianScotsman, but he could get better over time & he is good fun. So I am interviewing him really, and I need other candidates for the vacancy of 'my boyfriend' as you should. It takes about 4 or 5 goes to get the right candidtate, like any job prospect. Instead of a psyche test, I'll grill him with questions about fidelity, commitment, private vs public schools, politics & mortgage rates. Interviews are conducted in bars & restuarants. Social skills are examined, conversation is noted & attraction secures the deal.

and besides they try harder to interest you because nothing has happenned. I used to be afraid of not showing my interest, but now it's all about being on a 'slow date' & seeing what sort of person they really are.

I don't have any other dates at this stage...but will not refuse one!

fairytale

I've wanted to discuss this thought for a while now. One of the psychics I visited last year (who said I would meet someone in march this year... he's a bit late) also said I would get married & it would be 'like a fairytale'. A great thing to hear in a reading, but what I think is a fairytale may not be what the psychic thought or what another person thinks is a fairytale.

for instance. Shrek. He's an ogre & I'm secretly an orge & his best friend is a donkey. That's one fairtytale. Or, I'm a prostitute & he's a corporate banker & he's rescues me from my life of depravity & we both floss our teeth together. Or even, I'm a chardonnay drinking assistant shit-kicker & he's a human rights barrister, & we both wear matching jumpers forever.

what is a reasonable fairytale? something that could actually happen? Boy meets girl, girl drinks too much one night, throws up in taxi & looses her phone, He is haunted by his alcoholic mother so books love interest into AA, once she gets a replacement phone & he can call her & they move to Byron Bay & grown organic wine together.

or something really simple. She likes him, He like her back & they go on a few dates, then start having dinners at home, then start spending Friday nights on the couch with pizza and DVDS until pressure from family creates need to 'formalize' the arrangement. He moves into her place (because that's just what happens) & it all goes from there. I think the current order of commitment is
1. mortgage
2. baby
3. marriage - once baby is cute enough to wear cowboy/ cowgirl outfit to parent's wedding.

so someone will just appear & ask me to commite to a 25 yr mortgage & we'll live happily ever after.

saturday night

Had the flu this week, which slowed me down. Last night had drinks & dinner with TheRussianScotsman. We ordered a bottle of champagne at Cafe Sydney, then headed downstairs to Young Alfred's for pizza dinner. Nice, Easy, Enjoyable. I told him I wasn't in a hurry and that was good to say, the pressure is off. I'm not swapping all my time to be with him, he will be gradually integrated into the social life. Because I've spend years cultivating friendships, social invites & being there for friends. I can't flip into a relationship and dump my former life, I might need it in 3 weeks time anyway.

Rugby is on tonight, then a party, hosted by a single male doctor who is famous for his parties. MrBalconyView is on the list for the invite, which just makes me laugh. No contact from him this week, but he'll be at the party. No manners, no thought.

It just feels good not to have any pressure or objectives or determined outcomes to an evening. To just go & enjoy & take it as it comes.

slowing down

I'm not in a hurry. I used to be. I wanted the immediacy of attraction, lots of attention, phone calls, emails. but not anymore. There's a movement called 'slow food' well this is 'slow dating' or 'slow building interest'.

I discussed this with Sally last night. She likes the bloke downstairs in her building & scans his door everytime she walks past. There is also the waiting for a text response & engineering time in his company. It's an early form of obsession & it's wrong. Sally was the one who advised us all (on the chicks weekend) to 'be yourself & be relaxed' & I furthered that with 'just let go of your expectations'

So in the early stages, until there is an actual relationship, stop expecting. Stop feeling anxious about the speed and amount of contact. Stop being disappointed because he didnt' call you, let his behaivour speak for itself.

MrBalconyView wants to see a film, but hasnt' got to a time or date: whereas TheRussianScotsman has organised dinner on Friday night. Which one do I like more anyway? you guess!

mistakes

some blogs tell all. This is not one of those. I'm not telling everything that happens, just the bits that form the story & progress towards the ultimate goal: a decent boyfriend.

That said I made a mistake on Friday night when I met TheRussianScotsman. I drank far too much. 2 glasses of champagne, then we shared one bottle of wine & another bottle of champagne, then we went to Hemmesphere (a posh bar) there had 2 apple martinis & a caproska. see I drank a lot.! We ended up pashing in the bar, not too much, but enough to make me regret. I muttered something about working the next day & stumbled into a taxi.

work the next day was very hard. I kept having flash backs to the night before. The stupid things said, the amount of drink etc. The one aspect to all this event, is that, I feel it's not the right way to get to know someone, especially in the early stages. Drink fueled the night not our interest in each other.

After speaking to him last night, I said that Friday night had a mind of it's own. We're having dinner this Friday: and i'll make a conscious effort to slow down & get to know him.

on-line confidence boosting

I'm having fun with the internet.

Sally sent me this link.

http://www.goddess.com.au/affirmations.htm

try also the 'what's your goddess sign' based on your birthday. I'm Persephone.

Then my favourite....mystic medusa's oracle. You ask the oracle a question from the drop down list.
Question: - 'I'm Gorgeous! So Why I Am Still Single?'
answer. You get obsessed with someone hard to get and then vanquishing all rivals...it's the chase you're keen on but you find it tough 'closing the deal'.
(madame alison's words! eery stuff!)

Question - 'Simpatico! Is Mr BalconyView Thinking Of Me Right This Minute?!'

answer: Passionately!
(never had that answer before! should stop while I'm ahead.)

i'm not going to analyse this...

For the last week MrBalconyView, my former crush, is back in contact. It started with a one-line email 'hi how are you doing?" & has escalated to a potential movie date. He wants to see 'my super ex-girlfriend'. Not quite top of my list of movies, but he wants to see it, so I'll go.

Years ago, on the verge of my second most serious relationship, that current interest asked me to a movie. The only film I couldn't stand to see, at that time, was Jim Carey's 'Liar Liar'. And that was precisely the movie he wanted to see. We even meet some of his friends in the cinema by accident as well.

I'm not comparing this event, nor analysing or judging his choice: really I'm not.

there's no specific date set, sometime next week, as MrBalconyView is on a 4 day buck's weekend away. I have the russian-name scotsman to meet on Friday night for drinks to keep me occupied. And the new Australian film 'Jindabyne' to see...more my taste.

why mens are like stallions

While at 'Golden Door' health retreat, the nurse, Shirley, told a great story about 'why men are like stallions'. I was reminded of this last weekend when Darren came to stay for dinner. He was quite comfortable with three women present & was the chattiest I've ever seen.

Basically, put a bunch of stallions (collective noun?) in a paddock with one mare & they'll all try to compete, show off or gain attention, in that 'I'm-friskier-than-you' way. Put one stallion with a few mares & he'll be quiet & well behaved....there's more to it than that & it is Shirley's story ...but my point is.....why men never introduce you to their friends & like to have the women to themselves.

It's happened more than a few times. Another great male friend, Arnaud, is happy to be the only male present, even though he has 3 other single male friends, it took 2 years for him to invite them to our parties. Whereas my friends & I travel in groups, we introduce spare men & see if anything happens.

Darren, a friend of MrBalconyView's, dropped into Liz's house the other night. Amanda & I turned up & he stayed for dinner. One man, three women. I think men like these odds. A good dinner is where there is a few more men to flirt with. We all liven up with more men to chat to.

You have to force your male friends to introduce you to theirs. Usually you meet their friends only when the relationship is well & truly established. Whereas women are keen to show their new boyfriend to their friends as soon as possible. Even if the man is just a friend he still wont' share his friends.

Some of our male friends are so reluctant to bring other male friends along we have just stopped inviting them. Wish they would realise they are more attractive if we can meet their friends, guess they are just being stallions with the odds in their favour.

no phone calls, but an email

Haven't heard from MrTouche for a week. We've had 4 dates, but to me, there is nothing. No stomach flips no eye twinkle. There is no reaction, just blank. I'd like to keep in touch but will I call him & just put things in order? 'hello, I'd like to be friends, and I think you'd like one of my friends, call you sometime'. Weird when the rejection is on the other foot.

The day after the Fast Date, I recieved an email. Not quite an email it was just in the subject line. 'hi how are you doing?' it was MrBalconyView. That was it. 8 weeks after his party he sends that. The security footer was 100x longer.

'oh good, I off to see 'urine town' tonight. (it's a musical) what have you been up to?'

thought I throw in the bit about the play...such a weird name & an unexpected response. I am mysterious you know.

We've been emailing every day. The emails are getting longer from him: now up to 4 sentences. The crush is back in motion ! How come, just the day before he sent the email, I was driving by his house and casually thought ' oh, I must be really over him, I dont' even care that I'm driving by his house, that's good, fully over him' and felt pleased with my emotional health.

Why this contact after 2 months? I left him alone, thinking he's is ready to leave the country. The other connections to him have also been silent. But you never know what is happening in somone's life.

More importantly what coping mechanisms have I learnt since? Firstly, not to expect anything from him. Half my anxiety came from my expectations. Secondly, putting my health and fitness first. Yoga is helping enormously. I feel more grounded, less subjected to overpowering emotions, and tonight I start meditation. The teacher is highly regarded & it's just the right activity at the right time.

oh look, I have an email...maybe it's from mrbv?

fast date

I am the professional speed dater. I've been taught to be open, relaxed and have some fun (by a sexologist) so the night Di & I went speed dating was easy. Di is a consumate talker & finds the event like any corporate function she attends. You just have to ask them lots of easy questions.

The company in charge, fast date, are the cheapest. No open bar or snacks. Just one drink and off you go. Decided to use the 'what do you do on the weekend' question, which quickly became boring ( like to go for walks, play touch footy) and I hate to ask what they do for a job (although the PH.D scientist told me straight away he was solving diabetes, didn't wait for any question!) so threw in a red herring...'what's your star sign?' . I did ask the question last, so as not to appear like a freak. One guy refused to answer.

I liked the first guy, a russian named scotsman. After that most were shorter than me or too young. I knew Di wouldn't pick someone just because you should: only if she really wanted too, resulting in a blank card, so picking one person is enough, I thought.

I was a bit over-enthusiastic: eager to show off my new flirting skills, I just laughed & made jokes, moved my body and arms & tried to smile constantly, not make witty back-comments.

The email result the next day, the Russian Scotsman and I matched. Nine others picked me but I didn't pick them. When I spoke to the RS, he said he was confused and ticked everyone on the list as 'friends', whereas I left them all blank. We're having drinks on Friday.

These dating set-ups take all the mystery out of meeting people. I now long for the excrutiating moments prior to asking someone if they have a partner. The kind where you meet someone's friend at drinks or party & try to get to that crucial question quickly without appearing nosey.

I am so hard to please...!

I am the professional single

Monday was low. Left work early and went to Yoga, which is easy as I'm my own boss. There are some luxuries to the challenge of self-employment. All day I just felt wrong. I was contemplating quitting everything, my job, my 5yr old business, any thoughts of a relationship or children seem so remote, as not to be possible. Was this the beginning of my mid-life crisis? as I near 40 (there are 11 months to go) I reel with the situation of my life. How was it I missed finding someone? Will it ever happen. Dont' get this post wrong, I am the best cheerleader for my friends & can turn the positive spin spotlight on myself. But sometimes you have to be realistic.

I've tried positive thought therapy (my own version of) where I read self-help books, do the rituals, have the post-it notes, screen savers all bellowing positive statments until I sound like an american evangelist. Then my australian cynical persona dryly states: it's all a load of crap, just get out there.

A good old scive from work was needed to break the low. Meet Liz at the coffee shop & we just let rip with our lives. Work problems, credit cards going haywire, boys not calling, until we both just shook our heads with the sameness of our lives. Both our phones went at once invading the moment. Back to sorting things in our work worlds. At least we are wanted somewhere.

off to a speed date tomorrow night with Di. (this was organised before I meet mr-touche) I feel like getting sloshed & having fun.

date no. 4

he's warming up. he's becoming more relaxed & easier to talk to. I thought he might be nervous the first couple of times, so last night we meet for sunday night dinner. It was good to start feeling comfortable; stories are being expanded, names are now familiar. Not quite there yet on the desire front, just dont' want to go there yet. There is no rush. We have time.

I've been having panic moments: as I contemplate a relationship. I am comfortable being single. My life is mine, the bed, the bathroom, what I do & when. Everyone talks about the joy of sharing your life with someone, well I do, with my family & friends, and they've been there for years. They are my bricks, my support, all that a person can need. I don't feel a lack. I can wander around the shopping centre, have lunch by myself, see a film, call a friend...it's all fulfilling.

In the down bits, I'll have a long shower, sleep in, go to yoga, talk to a friend, write on the blog!

I do look forward to seeing him. Just letting it unfold & avoiding any panic.

dinner at MrTouche's

He's a catch. And I'm not into him. Why, oh why? he's so lovely. He cooked me dinner on Wednesday. We started with champagne, then baked salmon, too perfect. We talked about lots of things, but am I stupid to think that because we are both the same star sign, Gemini, and talking is one of our traits, that we are just being mad-talking-gemini's? it's all easy company, but too familiar.

or my other theory, that I'm only interested in guys who are not interested in me?

Here's a man who's 'light' is on (men are like vacant cabs, you have to find one with his light on) He wants to settle, he's ready to find a partner & be super-responsible. He's flicked off girls before when he was focused on his business, not ready to settle, and so puts on the cold face & appears disinterested. Now, I know this because I got an email this week from him... he said he was trying not to be distant or cold. Now I have to deal with the puppy face. All eager to be interested.

I can't take it. I feel I don't deserve this attention & I'm not that attracted to him. I like him, but I really want more time to know him before feeling anything. See, I don't trust the lust. The early feeling that puts you on a brain high. It sends you mental. I can't focus on anything, daydream all the time & then it all finishes & I have to sweep my feelings up again & find some hobby (like cooking muffins) to re-wire myself on.

So I'm trying someone I don't feel intensely for. Someone who is ready to be 'a proper boyfriend' & I hope to grow into him. Or maybe I'm completely fooling myself. Argh! I dont' know. Over it, stop thinking & just respond to someone who is being nice to you for once!

seeing him on sunday...

final final filming

a quick aside before discussing the abseiling....

twice it happened this week, was talking to bloke friends who have long term girlfriends, both I've know for ages. Was telling them about the filming, the flirting & how being single is no longer a dirty word. Each of them said they couldn't believe I hadn't been 'snapped-up', and they both knew heaps of guys who thought I was hot (no names, damn) , guys who watch me from afar, talk to other guys about me, who are they ? why don't they approach? or do I not encourage? ! I have no answers! Life is just too bizarre sometimes.

Onto abseiling. It's really a silly activity, going backwards down a mountain with a rope nappy to stop you from going splat.

MrTouche drove, in his nice warm car (the sort with heated seats) we talked, he would glance and look at me (keep you eyes on the mountainous roads, I thought! ) I told him the whole catalyst story: would you believe he went out with Tracy Cox? the writer of SuperFlirt? ! how co-incidence is that?. Thinks shes great & knew her just before she published her first sex guide.

Anyway, the abseiling was near the Scenic Railway at Katoomba. We were perched on a rock overlooking the Blue Mountains and Three Sisters. A great vista & it will look good on camera. The premise of this activity, which will become the opening scene, is us 'facing our fears' . The science host, Dr Paul, introduces the show, mentions the fear of changing ourselves, as we dissapear over the mountain leadge, screaming. The other two 'talents' (that's tv talk, not my tag), Micheal & Hwei were there & it was great to compare notes on filming. Hwei did the best screams as she went over the mountain (really a 5mtr cliff ! ) while Micheal & I contemplated having to catch her from below, her screams were that authentic.

My greatest fear was being filmed from behind: irrational but necessary, I thought. While the film crew set up at the base of the cliff. Julie, the producer, asked me to abseil down & look fearful. As I leaned out of the cliff, Julie yelled out 'what was that request? not to film from behind?' as I realised, Bridget Jones style, I was ready to go bottom first down the cliff right into the camera. Tricked!

MrTouche was there the whole time. I did tune out from him being there, as I tend to worry if people are not having a good time. I gave him the option of leaving and coming back later, but he seemed to be comfortable. Later as we drove home, talking the whole way, he asked if I wanted to come over for dinner during the week. I had no good reason to say yes or no as I dont know my feelings at this stage. I'm not enamoured of him, but not ready to say no. So I said yes.

wednesday, dinner at his place. tbc....

mr touche

Meet him at the Clock Hotel in Surry Hills for a drink, he has all his limbs, full head of hair, and probably told the truth about his age (41) . So many people on RSVP lie about their age, especially as they get older.

Got chatting easily & stayed for a few drinks. I'm over over-thinking about the situation, so just decieded to just take the evening as it comes. A chance to meet someone & chat about being single & using vile on-line systems for dating.

Single men, as I've seen so many times on 'queer eye for the straight guy' get into a rut, they don't update their image, in both hair & clothing & get all freaked about being on a date. You think by 30 or so, men would get the fact they need to take care of themselves. Women are much better at that. My single chick friends are all gorgeous, beautifully groomed, know the latest places to go etc, whereas the men of our age are still in clothes from last century.

It was just nice to be out with a male, get to know someone & try some flirting. I can't say what will happen, but it was better than staying at home.

This sunday is the final final filming for Catalyst. 10am in the mountains for abseiling. I've asked Mr Touche to join me: as car trips can be good for getting to know someone, plus good to do day stuff, not just meet in bars & drink.

practical blind date

Meeting MrTouche for a date tonight. Meet him on line last week & decided to meet tonight. He used to be a Pentathete, so he can fence & ride horses. I asked him to speak the french bits in fencing, very posh, very attractive in a man.

will have to go home & scrub up. went to yoga at lunch to stop focusing on the date. it worked, now look like a oily-haired lunatic.

for the astro-fiends, I already know his birthday(I work fast! ) & have looked up various guides on that. he's a Gemini, like me, but has lots of cancer in his sign (my ascendent is cancer). all that crap will sit on the back of my mind, but the trick is I JUST HAVE TO MET HIM FIRST. quite simple really.

monday night filming

It was to be the final filming night, the conclusion to all our flirting attempts told to Paul & Gabrielle, the hosts. Unfortunately Management think there is not enough 'science' in the show & want the fear/ adrenaline angle explored more. So we are going abseiling....it was to be skydiving, quelle relief on that.

Sunday morning heading to the Blue Mountains. Apparantely the morning light is better for filming. What time will I have to wake-up ? damn! going to a Canada Day party the night before. Luckily I know where the best coffee/ bakery is in Leura.

packing beenie, gloves & cashmere. oh dear.

rsvp date this week

I haven't 'kissed' anyone on RSVP. I've just left it to chance. Sure there are some odd balls & those that I don't' consider my 'ideal' but I'm only after one person, not a tribe. Two people caught my eye. I had to decide who to use my last email stamp on. The stamp was a birthday present from the web site & expired 7 days after receiving. At the final hour I choose to respond to the 6ft, sporty boy in the blue business shirt. In his profile he talked of visiting many developing countries & wanting to give something back. A noble enough thought that triggered my interest.

After a few emails, he texted to ask if it was okay to call me in the afternoon. nice! . We talked for half an hour & decided Wednesday was good for a date. It's all in the meeting, the actuality of presence. No use getting excited about a phone call. When I meet him, it's either yes or no. I jokingly said to him, that if I went to the bathroom & didn't come back, then I had used the old 'escaped from bad date' routine.

I'm so pleased to be nonchalant about this style of dating. You just accept the situation for what it it, a valid way to meet someone, and if they are creepy, just don't' see them again.

back there again

Went back on RSVP. I need something to be compulsive about!

the first 6 replies have come thru. not interested in someone from 100kms away. And they are all so much older. Nor am I interested in being a step-mother? yuck!

chopping vegetables therapy

I called MrTypeA-SuperFit on Sunday. I'd had enough of the anxiety of no-contact. I like to close things off, a bit like cornering Mr Balcony View at his party. My birthday was on Wednesday & what good is a bloke in your life if you don't get acknowledgment at least.

I had a feeling he was backing-off. So I called, went to voice mail. The text reply asked if I wanted to catch-up on Wednesday as he was off to Perth & he has just sent an email. Of course I drove straight to work & turned on the computer.

It was a long email, saying he was still sick, but mostly he was 'freaked out' at going on a date. His marriage breakup was still affecting him & he wanted to stay free & 'go wild' so wouldn't be a great boyfriend, at the moment. There were lots of lovely things too.

feels like crap everytime.

It was sunday afternoon, time to chop vegetables. The pots were on the stove, the knives were ready. The carrots, leaks, potatoes & other vegies were all chopped fast & loudly. It was two soup therapy time. Smells of garlic, beans, stock, herbs & the iPod of cheesy music were all helping. There is nothing like spliting a carrot & chopping it roughly as you ponder your love life.

You know, it's such a timing thing, as my iPod randomly played 'Don't go breaking my Heart' by Elton John & Kiki Dee., I sang along & just had to laugh. Romantic break-ups can be corny.

soup anyone?

good time theory

Was talking to Joelle, our lovely shop manager, about her big night with the ex-boyfriend & why it was so much fun. Have you had one of those great nights with an ex ? especially when they are flying out/ moving somewhere else that week ? or ones who just fly in for a quick visit ? You have these fun, long, deep, nights. Where everything is discussed, compliments are traded, the world becomes expansive & you feel connected to someone again. Yet, they are not going to be around/ it didn't work etc. Why are those nights so great?

because you didn't expect anything. Future needs & concerns are put aside and replaced with pure enjoyment. It's a 'living-in-the-now' style evening. You are just focused on the good parts, the fun times & you remember why you liked them so much, because you've taken away the questioning. The constant assesment of being with someone is void. You've already decieded they are 'not-right' / 'going-away' and all you have left is the good bits.

I've been reading 'the power of now', besides being recommended by Oprah, is about focusing on the present, as this is the only reality. When you have moments of intensity, where thoughts of past & future are non-existence, is when you are 'in the now'.

So the fun night you had with an ex/ a non-potential, is because you don't place future expectations on the event. you just have fun & leave it at that, knowing that is all there is.

nowhere land theories

Back in neutral space again. Back to questioning everything! ...and back to one of my favourite theories..

that...there has never been a generation of women like us, ever, in the history of the world. Specifically Gen X, those born 1963 - 1975. First World women, like me (like you! ) currently have the most freedom in education, media, finance, politics, our lives, like no other generation that has gone before.

We have all of this, and although there is still progress to be made in terms of representation of women in corporate, political & financial worlds, we can still have education at any level, have 5 credit cards, purchase cars, homes, loans, live by ourselves, have boyfriends, get married, divorced, stay single .... and mostly we have the blessing of the world around us. Any negativity is either cultural, personal or subjective; because we can do more things than any other generation before us.

For example, in the 1970's my divorced solicitor aunt, could not get a home loan. In loans terms she is employed and well able to service her mortgage, especially as a lawyer, but banks didn't loan to single women. How amazing is that? Here I am in 2006, with a no-document home loan (of staggering proportions! )

With this idea in mind, I try to understand why life doesn't go our way. It's not about trying to be grateful for our situation, but when you are the trail blazers, certain issues are created.

I see history viewing us in years to come. The issues of our day. People marrying later, having children later, or none. Single groups are replacing families, and meeting someone.....the biggest issue of all ! Now it can be done on-line, via instant messenger, speed dating, singles parties, computer matches. We can find romantic love via a processor chip.

Putting myself in this 'brave new world' of women's freedom & trying to understand why I still dont have a (decent) boyfriend, is a constant conundrum. my own theory of relativity to be solved,.. cat's theory.

final catalyst

filming continues! monday 26th is the final filming event. It's about showing progress. How far we have come in our skills & if the advice worked. I'll be required to relate the story of the party, how MrTASF (typeA-superfit) & I met & flirted, until he said' you are the best flirt in the world', which made my night & is a nice finish to the story.

They've asked me to bring him along. Who knows what our situation will be then...? in contact or not? dosen't matter. I have a great story to tell & It will be good for TV.

There is no scheduled airing date...sometime in August they say.

A Chick's weekend

A Monday long weekend prompted a visit to the beach house at MacMasters, 1.5 hours north of Sydney. Friday, when we left, was miserable. It was a wet cold week & the weekend looked just the same. We arrived with plenty of red wine, ugg boots, blankets, hot water bottles, magazines & the lap-top at 1: 30am, Went to Split Enz that night & left at midnight after the concert; perfect for traffic avoidance.

Nicole was my passenger, with Liz, Tanya, Sally, Suzy & Liz's son as weekend companions. The first bottle of red was opened at 2am on Friday night when we arrived. An auspicious start.

Saturday morning, set up the lap-top on glorious dial-up connection, (the speed is appalling !) which only added to the hilarity of the activities we had on-line. Nicole's obsession with ebay & RSVP was the activity-de-jour. We soon learnt of her preferences (tall men, anglos or french please, no tatts & a scent preference of 'eau savage') Nicole would shriek everytime she found someone desirable (this started at 9am on saturday morning) and we would rush to the screen and inspect the description/ photo gallery/ star sign & height details. Her list of favourites was soon building.

Liz was next. Her star sign preference is Aries, so we did a seach & found someone for her. Her lack of RSVP account was soon remedied with our instant skills at creating her RSVP profile, complete with photo images from our trip to The Door. (where she glowed with health)

Sally, dubbed, Sally the wise, was our fairy godmother in advising us of the pitfalls of arriving on RSVP. She was subjected to 800 responses in her first weeks on-line. As an attractive witty blonde whose true interests are rugby & cars, backed up a realistic smiling photo, it was enough to test her email deleting skills & the RSVP system.

The tone for the weekend was set, we talked flirting, dating histories, younger vs older men, baggage issues (only one small piece allowed, say Nicole) star sign preferences, & my current status with MrTASF & how I should handle it.

As Sally started telling boarding school stories, from the time she was a boarding house teacher at a private boy's school, we started drilling her about younger men. "they all like older women & are more interested than you think' she said. We sipped wine & leaned in for more. "just be yourself & be relaxed" she continued "but also don't be impressed, especially with cars & achievements, be a bit mean. " It reminded me of my mother & the fridge. Mum has just got a new fridge, because she spent the last 12 months complaining about the dents from the removalists. Finally Dad relented, and has impressed her with a double-door/ water cooling/ wine pocket super fridge. Sally mother was equally unimpressed with her to-be -husband's sport car & good looks.

After talking so much of men, it was time to visit the Avoca Beach Hotel to watch the rugby. Australia vs. England. The car park was full of ute's and tradies vans. The all chicks weekend posse had arrived. The initial hype of being in male company was diverted once we started watching the rugby. The on-screen action was too good. Mortlock's kiss to Larkham, after the try was the highlight.

The final day was bright and sunny. Time for walks on the beach and more RSVP work. By now the duplication of the men's entries were having us in stitches. How many like the 'shawshank redemption', have read' the da vinci code' like 'walking on the beach' and 'drinking red' ? about 80% of them. Sally suggested starting a rsvp make-over company to teach them how to have 1. a good photo with no sunnies or action shots. & 2. an original list of activities.

So the final advice was, I shouldn't call MrTASF. I will be 'busy but happy' when he calls & I might have some time to see him, but only if the invite is good. If he doesn't call, then, sorry, he's not interested. This is the game, it's just how it works & you play it to get results. No more pity stories. over them.

And quite honestly, I am happy, I have such great friends. We laughed all weekend. Sally's sage advice was delivered with humour & experience, Tanya's sweet but saucy email to a potential was totally left field, but we are all dying to try the same!, Suzy's affectionate nature reminds us all of touching and hugging our friends and Liz's mesmersing confidence as she relayed stories of adoring men had us in awe.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I looked at the full moon last night from the beach & felt it was a time for change. good change. I am me & I'm happy.

over it

I am over thinking too much about relationships. And trying to explain where it's at, how it's going, what you've been doing in one. I attempt explaining what is happening, that I met this guy, I've been out once, and nothing has happened since, that was 8 days ago. I just can't be bothered explaining.

What can be the magical explaination to this ?...I went on a date, and now nothing. For instance, lots of new phrases are borrowed from other industries. Remember 'drill-down' & 'forensic analysis' all borrowed from science or mining..? Can I borrow the lingo of another industry to give a status report on whatever is happening, without evoking sympathy/ empathy/ pity/ emotions in general? I'ts a situation 57, 1 date, 15 text messages & now he's sick or Shared Food, alchohol & saliva: waiting for toxicity report before continuing.

MrTASF is unwell, so haven't seen him since the date night, 8 days ago. I was away for 3 nights myself, but it feels like it's completely slowed down - a 'go-slow' I just have no energy to put into explaining this, nor do I want to ruminate on the small details thus trying to extract some status on the relationship. I emailed twice & asked him out, but he is sick, so I'm just going to leave it.

This weekend is chick's weekend at the beach house. No-one has any males to bring & we are all happy in our own ways. We will eat chocolate, look like a mess, have magazines and nailpolish everywhere & the toilet seat will remain down.

that monday feeling

it's a rainy cold 5th day of winter. Yesterday I was in QLD sunning myself by the pool while Nicole was having a massage. It was her 'recently seperated' 3 day holiday to Coolum treat.

Sunday morning I cycled to the beach at Coolum, walked through the forest to emerge at the beach, it was a bright sunny 25deg. I felt truly lucky. Things are moving in the right direction. I feel I've broken a few cycles & life will be different.

But bloody men still confuse me. I don't know whether to be 'hands-off' or 'friendly and chatty'. Should I follow the rule of scarcity? dissapear, be really busy, etc ? My mind is throwing me all the history of my wrong moves. how it all ends in 3 weeks, which means I have 13 days left before he says, 'it aint' working' maybe I'll just go underground & come back in 13 days. I just have to 'not care'. Sorry boys, but I have to let you do all the work at the beginning. It's your job. I will be nice later, but only if you stick around. Meanwhile ....it's freezing! I have to go to hot yoga to warm up !

Loosening up. Catalyst cont.

In the scientific quest to make me a better flirt, it was concluded I was too stiff, upright & lady-like. So a private Lambada class was organised. I had vague ideas of what this meant, but when the instructor explained it was the sexiest dance, with the closest body contact & lots of heavy breathing, I was a little concerned. It was the mid-afternoon, the first day of winter in an empty dance studio. Not sexy.

The teacher was great, he understood the concept, came up with a little routine, which wasn't too scary & we practised that for the hour while the camera crew filmed. I tried a few saucy faces, wiggled my hips & found it all good fun. Dr Gabrielle would be proud.

I also escaped other scientific methods of improving my flirting. The other two participants, were given a hair-cut & clothing make-over (goatee removal), personal developement classes in learning how not to talk about yourself, plus use of hands while talking (his hands signalled he was pushing them away) & another match making system based on asking many questions.

After months of research and filming, the producer, Julie, has concluded that finding the right person is complex. We make decisions based on biology & smells that we are vaguely aware of, then social and cultural issues, and then when you meet the right person, it's all really easy. For example meeting MrTASF, he saw, he liked, I liked. I flirted, simple.

there is one more filming event where we all get together & show our new selves.

A Date!

All that anxiety! all of those wasted thoughts of rejection! Wednesday night MrTASF texts - 'still on for dinner?', we text a few times & then he calls. 'why didn't you answer my email?", 'what email?" 'the one I sent on Tues?" .....so he did send a email, even though I didn't response he kept trying...love it.

We talked for 2 hours, just like some teenage phone fest. I asked him for his birthday, he understands my astro fetish & also reads the same astro pages (mystic medusa in the Australian) Finally I had to go to sleep. He then called 10mins after that. I switched my phone to silent & discovered 2 more lovely texts the next day. He's a maniac!

Dinner ended up at Macleay St Bistro (the last of the BYO's !) where we held hands at the end. So corny, so right.

that's all I'll say about the date. you get the picture.

update on MrBV

At the end of his party, I cornered MrBV & demanded to know what he thought of me. My liking of him had been going for a year& a half, more recently over the last 5 months. It was torture. We hung out in a group, did cool things, but never alone. And you start to think you are stupid. At the age of 38, I've been down this track before. I've had crushes on men who turn gay, those that are gay but you don't find out for 6 months, and those that are great at being your friend.

ENOUGH !

A simple 'I don't like you like that' is fine. It's reality & you can't fantasize on that. It's the
he's-just-not-into-you stuff.

So on Monday I sent MrBV a thank you for his party, an apology for hasseling him & another thanks for inviting MrTASF (his gym buddy).

He sent back the nicest email & elaborated on how much he enjoys my company, thinks I'm great & that he is deliberately single because he wants to move overseas ! there it was the real truth of his life. He likes being single & is purposely staying so. It makes so much sense to ask people what is really going on. (for those who know MrBV, its a secret so don't say anything)

Torture, though, is a transferring emotion. I am no longer tortured by MrBV. MrTypeASuperFit now has that honor.

letting go

Mr TypeA-SuperFit hasn't called yet to organise dinner. In my usual demanding way I want specialness. Call now; put me at ease.

However, this time I'm going to do the whole 'beginning-of-something' differently. Usually everything is over in 3 weeks. It's the magic time frame for making relationship decisions. It used to be 3 months: but the world is getting faster, so things like taking the time to know someone suffers in our haste. According to SuperFlirt I should make myself scarce. I will slow down the number of times I see him, the obsessional thoughts I have, but can't quite leave the psychic & astro aspects of discovering someone. I can do these alone anyway. He doesn't need to know, I will just share this with you lot.

I can't remember his birthday, although I saw his driver's license (I'm not stupid.. you need to see those things within an hour of pashing someone) but can't quite remember his birthday. I think he is is a Virgo, an early Virgo, (whoa! steve the astrologer said I should go out with an early Virgo) so have to leave all the astro stuff until I see the license again.

Then you can Google them. You type his name into Google & see if he comes up on web sites. I did this once for a date & found out he was a black belt in karate. Unfortunately MrTASF has a common name. His last name is Robinson, how cool is that? I could be Mrs Robinson (in a simon & garfunkel way)

All I can do is use the psychic cards. I don't like tarot, the death card scares me. It also reminds me of a former flat-mate/ witch who had her own version of what my cards said. I have two packs of cards called 'trust your vibes' & 'ask your guides' both by Sonia Choquette. I bought them off a web site in the US, so they must be good. I picked one & it said 'let go', I have done everything I can, it said, so wait for the universe to do it's bit. Okay, Okay. I just have to wait.

What a shame I'll be in Coolum on the weekend. My recently seperated friend, Nicole & I are off to indulge at the Hyatt for 3 days. Her coming-of-divorce treat. My still-single treat.

The best flirt in the world

There I was on MrBV's balcony, he looked at me & said 'you are the most amazing flirt' & then we pashed. Right in front of everyone. Right in front of the whole 70 other people who could very clearly see us through the enormous glass doors. Right in front of MrBV.

Shall I backtrack? my three girlfriends & I got there early, we organised the champagne & got going. We were out to scan the room, push aside all the marrieds, stop talking to other chicks & concentrate on the singles. MrBV was running around & left us alone. My friends were all encouraging me to get closer, interrupt him, but I just couldn't force it. The room soon filled up.

Music & a glass of champagne are my friends. the DJ, who looked like Yahoo Serious was determined to play his own set. No requests. And Suddenly I turned into a performance artist. The couch, the walls, the floor were all my props. I posed, slid, shimmied on all these things. People stopped. I told them MrBV hired me as a performance artist to liven up the place. Just sometimes I go crazy: this was one of those nights & it was hilarious.

Then he appeared. A man enchanted by my performance, MrTypeASuper-fit. My flirt skills just poured out of me. I was loosened up, ready to have fun. We talked, laughed & I performed. & thats when he said, 'come out to the balcony, I can't hear you in here'. I had convinced him I was The superflirt & extremely high maintenance. We are going out for dinner this week. Hurrah!

I did just one silly thing. I went and asked MrBV, the question. I had spent half the night pinning for him, and the other half max-flirting with MrTASF. I just asked if he thought of me in any special way. He said, he thought I was fun, great to hang around with but no. I wanted to hear that. I wanted to bury the issue. over. final. finished. & as my great friend Nicole would say. 'move on'.

I resolved one thing & started another. Life has changed & I'm ready for it.